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2nd Trimester
"You're not going to breast feed, are you?"
This is what my MIL asked me on the phone the other night. Maybe I'm just being overly hormonal, but it really bothered me. First off, I don't really think it's any of her business. Secondly, it's the way she phrased the question. My response to her was "I haven't made a decision on this yet". I hope to BF, I definitely plan to at least try it, but she doesn't need to know that. When I got off the phone, I told my husband how annnoyed I was and the way she phrased her question, she was basically saying "don't bf your baby". He agreed that she shouldn't have asked me that, but he also said that's just the way she phrases questions.
I just needed to get this off my chest (no pun intended).
Thanks.
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Re: "You're not going to breast feed, are you?"
When a lot of our parents were having kids formula was the "big thing". Not many people BF-ed. So, I can see why she'd say that. She's stuck back where so was when she had kids.
That being said, don't be afraid to tell her your point of view. Educate her on the benefits of breastfeeding and if she doesn't like it, to f-ing bad.
I am not saying that your MIL is or is not judging you--I don't know her and obviously you feel judged. But, there is a book called You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation that you might find helpful. It should apply to MIL relationships, too. It is not a light or easy read, but it is enlightening. It talks about intergenerational differences and how we apply filters in these relationships that make us read in judgment. The book was VERY helpful to me in listening to the sentiment behind my mom's words rather than her choice of words. So, instead of hearing the negative phrasing and reading in judgment, I am able to "re-hear" her asking me a neutral question. It helped me not get hung up on phrasing, let go of a lot of baggage, and communicate back without just shutting down out of defensiveness.
More Green For Less Green
My MIL was also unsupportive of my descision to BF DS1, and I'm sure she will be the same way this time (SIL didn't do it, and that didn't help, either, as it is her opinion that EVERYTHING SIL does is great and must be the right choice). Luckily, DH and my family are WAY supportive.
I took a different approach to dealing with her - instead of not talking about it I made sure to always mention how great bf'ing was for LO, how great we were doing with it, how it was so much easier than bottles, blah blah, anything positive I could think of. But then again, I'm not afraid of pissing her off because the relationship isn't great to start with (nor is her relationship with H). Kind of passive-aggressive I suppose, but I enjoyed it.
You should have replied, "Yes I plan to, do you have a problem with that?"
Throw that shlt back in her face. My mom is the opposite, I pump and formula feed (boobies are currently failing after 11 months of breastfeeding
) She watches her M-Th and only uses the freezer stash, she hates formula.
It's not like I plan to keep BFing a big secret or anything. I just think it's a little early to be telling the world I plan to BF. And believe me, by telling my MIL I plan to BF, it will be equivalent to telling the world because she will tell everyone that will listen that I plan to BF, regardless if it would come up in conversation or not. That's just the type of person she is.
Ugh...my MIL was the same way. It's super annoying! She came and stayed with us for ten, yes TEN, days right after DS was born and I was still getting the hang of breastfeeding. Her negativity made it so much more stressful. She kept asking if we had any formula in the house we could give him, and implying that he was crying because he was hungry, or my milk wasn't agree with him, etc. It was just ridiculous.
My best advice is to ignore her and do what you want. My breasftfeeding experience wonderful and I'm so glad I didn't listen to my MIL or anyone else who had less than supportive comments about it.
Great suggestion.... thanks! We are all on decision overload and advice overload, not to mention hormone overload. This sounds like a great way to improve our understanding without just getting pissed. I know I could use an attitude adjustment sometimes.
My MIL and whole Inlaw family said the same thing. And instead of trying to accept that and move on they insist on making me feel terrible about wanting to breastfeed. My MIL will purposely bring it up and say something along the lines of "it is better for baby to be formula fed" "Well you know you cannot take certain medicines" "You won;t be able to eat just anything you won't because of breastfeeding" and finally "Gosh that is going to be hard having to pump, I personally would never put myself through that".
It makes me want to pull my hair out! You were able to make your own choices with your children, why can't I?
The last poster reminded me of something we learned in our bf'ing class last time around
Most people who are successfull bf'ing were bf themselves. They think the reason is because they have more support, and do not view it as "wierd" since their own mothers did it.
I also found out that, when it comes to support, here is the order in which is most important. Statistically, these are the people who have the most influence over whether you will be successful bf'ing
1. Your significant other
2. your pediatrician
3. your "support system" (I would imagine this includes MIL or mother)
As long as your husband and pediatrician back you, I think you can probably handle saying F-U to your MIL:)