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Baby Showers
WWYD: Hostess said no to DH attending
My friend is hosting my shower and I casually mentioned that DH was excited because he's never been to a baby shower before and she immediately told me he wasn't allowed to come except to pack up gifts afterwards.
I was so shocked that I honestly didn't know what to say. I know it sounds a bit silly but WWYD in this situation? DH was really hoping to come for at least part of it and at least open gifts and be able to thank everyone.
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Re: WWYD: Hostess said no to DH attending
Anyhow- My take.... she is the hostess and as she's throwing this for you, there needs to be some respect for what she wants.
However, I don't see the big deal if your DH is there. I'd say tell him to show up late, but not at the end. What is she going to do - make him leave? I doubt it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't really see why he should be there. If he wants to thank everyone, that is what thank you cards are for or llike others said have him come at the end. I have been to a ton of showers and never has the father been there, they are definently a girls only kind of party. (Unless is was planned to be a co-ed shower)
Maybe you and your hubby can have a private baby shower. You can buy him a gift, he can buy you one, and you both can buy something for the baby and open the gifts over a romantic dinner?
Other than this, if your hubby is excited to stop by for a few mins and thank the women for coming by, I don't see why there would be any problem! It's exciting stuff!!
Our Family Blog Weightloss Blog
This.
Baby Etch at 10w3d and 20w3d.
ToBeWedJuly07...you may be passionate about your DH attending your shower but obviously this hostess is not and feels very uncomfortable about it. Yes, it is 2010 but it has always been a tradition that the shower is all about the mom-to-be (the shower is exactly and really ONLY for the mom-to-be...it is a party to initiate her into motherhood!). Not sure how many showers you've attended but every shower I've ever gone to (except co-ed) the women discuss their labor and deliveries. They give the mom-to-be helpful hints, etc. I've been to two showers were the guys came for the gift opening. One went really well because 90+% of the women knew him and he is a total entertainer...a lot of fun. The other one was very stilted and the guy was totally uncomfortable and looked it. Most of the women did not know him (including me). He opened 1/2 of the gifts and didn't bother oohhing or aahhing over anything. Basically he just opened it, barely looked at it, said thank you and put it aside and went to the next one. I had gotten something off the registry and a really cute outfit and something the mom-to-be and myself had joked about (she would have totally gotten it but he didn't have a clue). She didn't even see it when he opened it! I was majorly disappointed. It wasn't even like there were a ton of people there...only about 20.
I would just have your DH come toward the very end of the shower to thank everyone and pack up the gifts. Your hostess obviously feels the shower is for YOU and not for your DH. Maybe your DH's friends could give him a diaper "shower" or something.
A shower is a gift-giving event. It's not a statement about womens views on the "man's place" in his childs life.
If we're talking about keeping the father out of the delivery room to see the birth of his child, ok, lets talk about equality. But let's not overblow the importance of a shower. While fun, while a tradition many of us are used to, it is still an event geared to give you gifts.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It doesn't sound silly- it's how your husband feels. I would tell the host exactly what you said above: DH was really hoping to come for at least part of it and at least open gifts and be able to thank everyone. It's his baby, too; why shouldn't he be a part of it if he wants?
click the pic (blog)
I see this purely a matter of what people are used to. Many women are used to women only showers and find it weird for men to be there. Again, this isn't a grand statement of how they perceive mens involvement w/ their baby.
And many men aren't "in" to showers simply because they see them as traditionally women events.
My DH wouldn't be interested in going to a shower, but he is one of the most involved dads you could meet. His desire to sit through opening gifts and playing silly games (MY opinion, I don't like most shower games) plays absolutely no role in his love for our son, or for his desire to be an involved father. And I can say this about many of my male friends.
There just isn't a correlation between a man's involvement in a shower and their role as a father. That is my point about it being a gift giving event. not WHO the gifts are for, but that it's an event geared at getting gifts for the new parents. It's NOT a grand societal statement on the man's role as a father.
As more and more couples want to both be at the shower, in time, people will start to come around to this idea. But change takes time! Even over something as simple as a baby shower. People are used to it being for women only. As more and more men come, these women may start to change their minds.
But still- it's JUST a fricking shower. Not a statement about men and their roles as fathers.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
one one hand if your hostess prefers he isn't there, you need to come to some sort of arrangement with her.
On the other, I fully encourage him to come! It's a very special time in HIS life too. This is HIS child being born also.
The shower for my DIL is all women invited but I have made it very clear that if the Dad (my son) or the Grandpas to be or any other men would like to show up then that is fine! The baby is being born to our FAMILY. Not just the women in the family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow...I guess. I've only been to a couple of showers where the women didn't talk about their labor and delivery. I've been to probably 20-25 showers, too. Guess it is just my circle of friends, coworkers, neighbors and family and it's been going on for 20 years - since my teens anyway.
Oh - and the showers where it wasn't discussed was when the men were present or at co-ed showers.
first of all, co-ed showers are a totally different ball game. I'm not talking about that. I have been to a handful of showers, both baby and bridal, where the father or husband to be was the only man there.. and at every one of them it was super apparent that the man felt out of place and most of the women seemed rather uncomfortable, as well, myself included. seeing as showers are usually for the woman, it is usually the womans friends, not the mans, who make up the majority of the guest list. it's just my personal opinion. in OP's case, I think it's unfortunate her H wants to go and isn't being allowed, but I do think it's the hostesses decision.
I agree with everything said here. I can see my husband wanting and enjoying a baby shower. This is his baby too and he will gladly be sharing in the raising of the baby. I personally have no desire to have a shower. If his presence will prevent the labor and delivery stories, than yes, please, have him there. Good grief, in no way do I wish to hear the horror stories of other ladies births, because unfortunately those are the ones that will be discussed.
You have got to bve kidding me!!!!! There is really no logic behind your statement. My DH has no intrest in the clothes or diapers, but he is a WONDERFUL hands on father. There is a big difference between having an interest in a onesie and the interest and love he has for his child. You are stretching that way to far!
This is what I had in mind, I seriously doubt he's interested in attending the entire time but he wanted to help me open gifts and thank everyone. I'll be 35 weeks at the shower so ANY help is good in my book
It said it was for Baby ChatterBox actually. He's the father, the gifts aren't any more for me then they are for him so I don't see any reason why he couldn't help open gifts and thank people. My hostess is a single mother so I'm not sure if she just didn't consider that this is important to him but the shower is for the baby and he should be able to celebrate with everyone else not just be the clean up crew.
This shower isn't about your hostess... It's about your new family.
While it is wonderful of her to throw it for you, it should really be about what YOU want. And if your husband wants to be there to open gifts, and you are comfortable and happy with that, then I say bring him along... at least for the last half.
Politely explain to the hostess that your husband really wants to have some part in the festivities, and that he will be attending to open gifts and thank the guests. Don't ask her... Let her know.
I agree 100%. I was also surprised by these responses, he helped make the baby and he has every right to be there if he wants. And as far as your friend goes its so rude that she would tell you your baby's father is not invited. Yes she is so graciously throwing this shower for you, but its about you and your baby, not her and what she wants.
I agree with this. I'd be upset if I was told point blank no, he can't come except for "clean up". Yes, showers are typically girl time but if my DH wanted to be there by all means I would make sure he was there. Can he not help celebrate the birth of his child?
I think every group is different in their expectations of who normally attends a shower and how a shower will go. Just as every father is different in his desire to attend and/or his enjoyment of the shower. And I don't think attending a shower (or not) in any way indicates the type of father he will be.
That being said, I just do not understand how your host thinks it is acceptable to tell you whether or not your husband can attend a part of the the shower. Yes, she is hosting and that is a wonderful gift, but last time I checked that meant she could dictate the number of guests she is able to accomodate, not who is on the guest list.
While I know that the tradition is for (unless co-ed) the man to just come at the end and pack up the gifts, that is clearly not the only way things are done now. Yes, some women in attendance may be surprised that he is there and some may be uncomfortable talking about childbirth, but that does not mean he shouldn't come. Plus, at any showers I have been to the childbirth stories were not exactly "shouted out", they were discussed among those sitting at each table and the mom-to-be didn't necessarily hear them all.
I would explain to your host that YH will be coming for opening the gifts, so she should plan the time frame accordingly (games and food before he arrives). I just don't at all see where she has a say in this - she can't tell you that he can't come. If you wanted kids or didn't want kids to attend your shower, I would assume that she would abide by your wishes, as long as it didn't increase the number of people she said she can host. Especially, if YH isn't eating the meal, his being there should be a non-issue.
Wow-ok... my .02
If your husband wants to be there, you should just tell your hostess that he is going to come a 20, 30, 45 minutes early to help finish up the gifts, thank everyone and help you load up the truck.
Also, I do not see showers as "gift-giving" events only... I have been to showers (bridal and baby) where the husband shows up near the end and I was not so uncomfortable that I became a recluse and wouldn't speak the rest of the time... give me a break. Showers are a chance to celebrate the baby, which is also your DH's baby.
Also, this is not 1950 where women aren't allowed to mention periods and labor in front of the men folk. My friends aren't one bit embarrassed to discuss labor and delivery in front of my husband- the stitches, the labor, the bleeding, the tearing- all of it. After all, he will be there- it's no big secret what happening in L&D any longer. But regardless of all that, I don't think I've been to a baby shower where L&D was discussed... breastfeeding, swaddling, diaper changing, yes... but I don't think the mom-to-be wants to hear the horror stories at her shower.
That is a tough one. I am having my DH at all of my showers for numerous reasons. Moral support:-) especially plus I know he will have a great time. These are not just my friends but his as well.
I'll be honest: I would have politely declined anyone offering me a shower that wasn't co-ed. I just don't like girly girl showers (not that I don't go, or that I'm not polite when I'm there, just that I had no desire to have one for me). Luckily, the person who hosted mine was a good friend and offered immediately to do something non-traditional.
In this case, it's hard, having found out later on in the planning process that you and the host have a different opinion about dad-to-be being there. I would talk to her again, and mention how much it would mean to him/you. In the end, ultimately it's the hostess' decision, but personally I can't imagine as the host forbidding it. Since you mentioned it casually, she may not have known it was important to you, and just thought she was correcting an honest 'mistake' on your part (i.e., trying to 'save' your DH from coming if he didn't want to).
This. And I can assure you that when I was pregnant the last thing I wanted to hear was other women's l&d stories.
This is your time to be with your husband- not your hostess. You are having a family with him, not her, and it seems so strange that he would not be involved? My shower is today and we are going together. Frankly, if it was the kind of event he wouldn't want to go to, with silly games and horror stories of labor, why would I want to go to it- and without him? I would just let your hostess know how much it means to him, and I bet she changes her mind. If she is afraid of it being awkward, suggest making it co-ed so other ladies can bring their man friends too- more fun for everyone!
Also, it seems strange that men are cut out of the gift receiving, since in many instances they will be the ones paying for any items you will still need to purchase for baby.
BRING HIM! At least for the gift opening. Just discreetly send him a text message when the the games are over and tell him to show up. This is what I did at my shower. He received an applause when he walked in the door!! Also, he can help open gifts and make that go a lot faster. I don't know about you, but for me it gets a bit boring watching someone else open a bunch of presents for an hour and a half.