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Blended Families
Are there any "bm"s here?
It seems to be mostly step mothers of fathers girlfriends on here griping about their "ss" or "sd"'s "birth mothers". As someone who has had to deal with "you guys" let me tell you something.....we aren't "birth mothers". We are their mothers. Their only mothers. Their permanent mothers. I think a lot of you come off pretty haughty here, but you should realize who you are. Some of you are probably not the first girlfriends or step parents, and since these fathers have been divorced before the chance of you disappearing from the child's life is even greater than was the first divorce or split of of the mother and father. Before you talk about cutting a child's hair, or "our" time with the child....you should back it up and remember. It is not your child. It is the fathers child and the mothers child. Your only place is to be fun and possibly fill any gaps the fathers are leaving such as serving nutritional food, making sure safety precautions are followed, etc. You are not a parent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Are there any "bm"s here?
Hi!
Looking to make friends, I see?
For the record, I am both a BM and a SM.
A step-parent is not a parent? Excuse me? There are many situations on this board where the BM is no longer involved in the child's life, so the SP has stepped into that role. Very nice of you to generalize the world of step-parenting.
Aren't you cute?
FTR, I wouldn't bother posting here in the future if I were you.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I think the step-parents should generally remember their role. It certainly isn't to judge the mother or to make decisions for the child, if the mother is still in the child's life.
This should be fun.
FYI - I know BM is the only mother. I don't refer to the kids as mine or as anything other then there SM. I use it on here so people can understand the family dynamic not b/c I am confused if I gave birth to them or not.
I am not a parent to my SC, they already have parents but I am an concerned loving adult in there lives just like there grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Hi, I'm sorry. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Can you tell me what you know of my situation that makes you feel this way? Because, you know, you seem to know me SOO well that you would include me in this blanket statement. How about the other PP's? What do you know about them?
Lady, you need to "back it up" and probably just go ahead and DD this post because you are going to get royally flamed for this one. I am a SM and a BM. I have known my DH for fifteen years, way the hell before BM knew him. We have grown up together and been friends way before he ever "dated" BM, if thats what you would like to call it. They were NEVER married and for you to come here and assume that we are all "second" wives or just the basically the flavor of the week is ignorant and immature. You obviously have issues with your ex-DH and his girlfriends but don't come here and assume that is how we all are. You have just opened a can of worms and I hope the ladies unleash on you.
None of the normals on here ever come in and say they want to take over and be the mom. Maybe you should do some of your bump homework before you come in here all high and freaking mighty like that. Read some backstories. And don't try to say that you weren't talking about all SM's because you were. It was plain and clearly stated in your post.
YOU are the reason that SM's get the name they do and it's not ok. You expect us to do all of the BF's dirty work when it comes to raising your child, but yet you want all the credit. That's fine you can have it, all I get is the satisfaction of knowing that I did my best at being the childs "other mother", yep I said it. I consider myself another mother to my SS. I bathe him, I feed him, I take him to the doctors, I bring him to school, I wash his clothes, I hold him when he is sick. NO, lady I am not a glorified babysitter I am his STEP-MOTHER! There is a reason they put the word mother into that phrase and its not because I get paid to do it, it's because I love to do it and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
No I did not give birth to my SS, but that does not make his mother any more of a mother than I am to him. In fact if you knew my backstory, which I am not even going to waste my time typing for you, you would probably feel bad that my SS has a BM like he does and kiss the ground I walk on for taking such good care of him and letting him know that he does have another mother to go to when he is with his father!
Go back into hiding and lurk all you want but your post just now should be permanently deleted from this website. I have never seen any other posts from you. You just decided that today you wanted to start some drama. GO AWAY!!! You are one of the BSC BM's we talk about.
Just from reading the posts on here, no. I'm not looking to make friends. I'm looking to give you the perspective of a mother who 8 years ago did not give birth thinking she would have to share that child with women like you. Yet here I am. I will continue posting here in the future, to remind you that number one you aren't really an important part of a child's life. You are replaceable and dispensable and number two to remind you you could all be in a RM's (Real Mothers) shoes someday.
GO AWAY
Most of us all are "real mothers" as you so kindly put it. Once again. GO AWAY. You are evil.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Apparently you are too...
Here, I'll go into your mentality and give you a response...
Maybe when you decided to have a child 8 years ago, you should have had the foresight to know that your marriage wouldn't last. You were apparently the replaceable one.
UGH I know, she just irked me.
Wow. Bitter are we?
Most of us all are "real mothers" as you so kindly put it. Once again. GO AWAY. You are evil.
Really? Evil? I think evil is that one girls post about her "ss" needing a haircut before the wedding! Seriously..you chicks would be okay with some other woman having your child's hair cut without speaking to you about it?
In case this is not a troll:
I do understand this point, if it comes from a frustrated mom who is very involved, very loving to her children, but is unlucky that her ex brings home the "drill sgt" we had the privilege of meeting on this board a couple of days ago. Or, the SM that intro'd herself a couple of months ago saying stuff like: haha, BM, there's nothing you can do about it, I'm cutting the kid's hair and that's it!...although the BM specifically made it clear she loved her girl's long locks. So, ok - in these cases, I truly understand why someone would type a post like this. It has got to be unbelievably frustrating to have to be involved with a step-monster like this.
However, OP - there are many different situations in life - and you would find out, if you stay a while on this board and get to meet some of these people. There are situations like: when the step mother is the "only" mother the children get to have in their lives and she takes on the role on with all the love and caring that only a mother can. These kids are truly blessed to have them in their lives because BM is non-existent or - even worse - messes with the kids' heads about once or twice a year by storming in, promising the world, only to disapear and disappoint once again.
And there are also other ladies here, who - although BM is very much present in the kids' lives - take on a role of an "additional" parent-figure, but still respect BM as the mom and someone the children will always love the most no matter what.
No matter what anybody says as long as your with your SO its also the SP resposibility to parent that child. To enforce rules, to help with homework, give baths, feed, change, bandage scrapes, wake up at 3am when the SC has a bad dream, comfort them when there sad, take them shooping, to family events, buy there favorite cereal. All that sounds like something a parent does.
Nobody has the right to say that SP are not a parent.
I just have to laugh at this. People like you are what cause problems in a blended family.
BTW, I'm a BM and a SM and you are ridiculous.
I've cut both of my SK's hair without telling BM about it.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Ok I will play, I haven't done this in a while. Yes you are evil. You come in here all p!ssed about a SM saying that a kid needs a haircut before her wedding, that he is probably in. Who cares? Maybe he did need a haircut. Did she say she was going to be all sneaky like and not tell BM just to p!ss her off? I doubt it. Grow up, get over your resentment and quit lumping all SM's in with some bad experience you might have had.
You are right. I was replaceable by a woman my husband worked with. I was being replaced for 6 months before finding out. I received a lovely gift of chlamydia from them. Then I got to share my child with her. How grand.
Oh, and I'll add that "evil" isn't giving a haircut.
Evil is tying up your child to a chair and beating them. Evil is medically neglecting them. Evil is not taking them to school. Evil is abandoning them. Evil is abusing them. Evil is threatening to kill them.
Some of the SMs on this board have dealt with the BM doing these things. Why don't you get your facts straight before you come up in here attacking people that you know nothing about.
I know I shouldn't feed the troll, I know I shouldn't feed the troll, I know I shouldn't....
Sh!t I'm about to feed the troll:
I am a SM. and a "real mother" as you put it. I am VERY MUCH an important part of my stepkids lives. I know I did not give birth to them and I am not delusional about that fact. But I ALSO know that I am one more, extra, loving, caring adult in their lives who is there to suppor them, love them, raise them and help them make it into their own adulthoods.
I do EVERYTHING for them that their BM does when they are at my house. Homework, food, laundry, kiss boo-boos, tuck them in at night, and YES even discipline.
I treat them EVERY BIT like they are my own children. Because in the sense that they are A PART OF MY FAMILY, they ARE. Do I try to take their BM's place? Never. Do I help them remain connected and do I suppor their relationship with her? 100%.
Oh, and DH and the BM were never married. But he married ME. So it sounds like SHE was the replaceable one now doesn't it?
LIke I said before, "your bad experience". Don't lump all of us in the category of the one that cheated with DH. I sure as he!! was not that one. In my case BM and DH were only together a couple of months before she got pregnant. SHE decided she didn't want to marry DH. Sorry that you had to go throught that, I know it must have ripped your life apart but please, don't assume that is why we are all the "second wife".
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
On a side note, I find it HILARIOUS that YOU of all people would say that.
Ok, I think I've made up my mind about you - you must be a real gem of a step mother. I was kind of on your side before with the vacation and all, but now - I do feel for the BM. You have no respect for the child's mother and it looks like you like to throw your weight around awful lot, just because you're the "current" wifey. But you know, what goes around comes around. Let's talk in a few years when you're the divorced BM, with a "step mommy" breathing down your neck. Being humble and respectful goes a long way.
If you were my wife I'd replace you too. I seen you around the boards and you aren't anything but a bitter troll.
You are right. I was replaceable by a woman my husband worked with. I was being replaced for 6 months before finding out. I received a lovely gift of chlamydia from them. Then I got to share my child with her. How grand.
Time to talk to a counselor.
I am a BM, and there are quite a few of us on here. I am just a BM, not a SM. My kids don't have a SP at all. I post to get some insight on what I am sure the future will hold for our family. I am trying to learn enough to not be "that BM" when the time comes. Most of the SMs on here really love and care for their SKs. (There are a few crazies, but they get flamed and don't stick around.) I can only hope that when my children have a SM in their life, that they are loved as much as the regulars on this board love their SKs.
Are there crappy SMs out there? You bet. But guess what? There are bad BMs too. That has nothing to do with the role they hold in a childs life, but how they are as a person. If there are bad people in the world, there is also going to be bad parents (bio and step)
Are there some SM (or girlfriends) who come here and whine and blame everything on the BM? Sure. But they don't typically stick around because they get an earful. The SMs who are here, and stay here, aren't here for drama or whining. They are here to talk about their family dynamic and get honest opinions on what is best for our families (and that includes our skids!). We've told SMs that BMs were right. There are some BMs we side with on how loony their SMs are (hind and wendy come to mind - where is she btw?) You don't aprreciate being lumped into a catergory, and neither do we.
Do yourself and your child a favor. Don't feed your kid crap about his/her dad - It only backfires in the end and your kid(s) will hate you for it.
Get counseling and move foward. Living well is the best revenge.
Really? Evil? I think evil is that one girls post about her "ss" needing a haircut before the wedding! Seriously..you chicks would be okay with some other woman having your child's hair cut without speaking to you about it?
MY SO IS THE ONE WHO PAYS FOR ALL OF SS HAIR CUTS. So yes dang it im taking my SS to get his hair cut where we always get his hair cut. If you would have seen how upset SS was when his own mother cut his hair you would all understand. Every two weeks i take my SS to the salon and get his hair cut by the same person. Im gonna do it tomorrow before our wedding. AND NO I WONT ASK BM IF ITS OK!!!! Should i call her to ask her if i can give him a bath, or give him vegetables with his dinner or take him to the doctor if he is sick. Everything i do SO knows about and agrees with obviously!!!!
Great point!
OHHH MY GOD ONE FAMILY EVENT THAT WE DIDNT TAKE HIM TO!!!! He has been to every birthday, chirstmas, thanksgiving, fathers day. EVEN MOTHERS DAY BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT HIM ON THAT DAY!!!!
YOU NEED TO GET OVER THE TRIP WE DIDNT TAKE HIM TO!!!!
I am a SM to 2 wonderful kids. A lot of people on here know my story with BM and her fiance. He is not even married to her and acts like their dad! Is it fair to DH that this takes place? No. We have learned to just accept it though since BM feels like she can make this work. I do treat the kids like my own, but I also make sure that they realize they should always have that relationship with their mom and we will do whatever we can to make sure they stay happy with her. In fact, SD is not happy with her at all right now and we are trying to work it all out. SD talks to me, and only me. She feels a connection with me that she does not with others. DH also only dated one person after he got divorced...me. We were friends for a while then started dating a few years later. BM on the other hand has dated MULTIPLE men and got engaged after being with one for less than 6 months. If anyone is to judge on replacing, it is BM.
Learn how good SM's can be, because I feel we have a special relationship with our Skids because we aren't their birth parents.