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2nd Trimester
A "Grandma Shower"?! WTH?
So...I pretty much have the world's MOST annoying MIL. Quick background story: She referred to me as her son's "friend" up until we were engaged (for about 4 years), changed our wedding date, keeps trying to take charge of the home renovation we're currently undergoing, and now her friend is throwing her a "Grandma Shower".
Does anybody else think this is wrong?! She asked me to "hurry up and register" because she was having this party (which I don't even think I'm invited to). My concerns are as follows:
1) I think it's a little egocentric & creepy (like SHE'S the one having the baby) 2) Her friends will buy things on the registry for HER house and not for our house. Our registry is already VERY small! 3) It's CREEPY
This is our FIRST baby, and I'm a little offended that she's doing this! How would you ladies handle this situation?
~ Mrs. G
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A "Grandma Shower"?! WTH?
OMG My MIL stated she wants a Grandma shower!!!!! WEIRD!!! I think it's weird too! I mean it's like she is assuming she is going to have the baby ALL the time or something!!!!
It's weird!
It's bizarre. I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
I would tell her that if she wants to register for "her" shower, she is more than welcome. It's not appropriate for her to be asking for gifts off of your registry. Ick.
~EDD Nov 18, 2017 with my IUI success story~
[spoiler]
I know, right?! I hate to break it to her, but she lives about 40 mins away & my mom lives 5 blocks away...Who do you think will be seeing the baby more?! I know that she means well, but geez! She ALREADY has tons of baby stuff (car seats, stroller, bouncer, highchair, etc)
i feel you.... my MIL is pretty weird too. she hasnt said anything about a grandma shower, which is really creepy, but she has referred to LO as HER baby....... ya... i dont think so.
today she sent DH a letter. she was talking about how she was having to go to another state for work but still living in her home for 1 week out of each month. she said that DH will have to let her know when we schedule our c-section so that she can make plans cause she has to fly. well then it says... "CAUSE I WILL BE THERE FOR THE BIRTH OF MY BABY!!!"
i feel you.... my MIL is pretty weird too. she hasnt said anything about a grandma shower, which is really creepy, but she has referred to LO as HER baby....... ya... i dont think so.
today she sent DH a letter. she was talking about how she was having to go to another state for work but still living in her home for 1 week out of each month. she said that DH will have to let her know when we schedule our c-section so that she can make plans cause she has to fly. well then it says... "CAUSE I WILL BE THERE FOR THE BIRTH OF MY BABY!!!"
i was like..... are you kidding me??? she lives 9 hours away from us and we see her maybe twice a year but by golly this LO is HER baby. good grief...
but ya i feel your angst.... good luck!!
Yeah...I'm trying to find a nice way to tell her that. I know she means well, but she has that "first born sibling" thing going on, where she ALWAYS needs to be in control. Maybe I'll meet her halfway, and ask her to tag along with me to make a "special" registry for HER party, and NOT mine. Those are to be completely separate!
This is exactly what I was thinking...I mean other than WTF and I've never heard of a "grandma shower." I'm sorry your MIL is a nutjob. If either grandma said this to me I would remind them that this is MY and DH'S baby and it will live in our house.
When I told mom I thought I found our pack n play, she asked "for your house or mine?" I flat out told her I was only browsing/registering for our house and she can look on her own. My MIL mentioned that she wants to buy a crib for their house. It's up to them what they want to buy for their houses but it doesn't change how much time our child will spend there.
My mom lives close and doesn't work and has already said she will help out when DH's and my schedules conflict when I'm back in school in the fall (I get to be a SAHM, other than a few hours a week working retail, until the fall semester). I'm hoping I can convince her to watch our child here instead of at her house.
Thanks for all of the imput ladies! My MIL is BONKERS!!! I used to joke that I was going to get a good close up pic of her (think mugshot) just in case she ran off with our baby. That way, the police would have a good clear pic. Now...I'm not so sure it's a joke anymore
My MIL did this. Technically it was called a combined shower. So the guests had to bring a gift for me and the baby and one for MIL for her house.
To be perfectly honest, it was a waste. We hardly ever go over to MIL house and she lives in California 3 months out of the year. So yeah, my belief that it was stupid was confirmed when dd didn't even go over there often enough to play with the toys....
Why would she expect people to buy stuff for her house?that's odd, My mom has ears out for a used pack and play in good condition so I do not have to bring that stuff everytime I visit her. She does not expect people to buy it for her.
Up until today, I had never heard of this. I understand that it will be easier on me when we go to visit her. But still...it's just wierd. My mom is buying things for her house on her own, and won't even have half of what the MIL will at her house. Here's the kicker though...She told my DH a while back "Don't think that we'll be free babysitters all the time!". We we not going to do that to begin with, but it seems that she's contradicting herself by having all that gear at her house.
Eh, I think you're kind of over reacting. My dad's co-workers threw him a surprise Grandpa shower. They got all sorts of stuff for when Natalie stays with them: bibs, new books (they'd saved some from my childhood, but new books are always fun), spoons, sippy cups, baby bath-tub, travel high-chair, towels, toiletries (desitin, A&D, lotion, nail clippers, etc), cloth diapers, crib sheet, etc.
It was very thoughtful, and made going to visit much easier, as I didn't have to worry about taking every little thing.
Let her enjoy her party, and encourage her to make her own registry. I think that you're letting your general opinion of her cloud your judgment on this.
Ha Ha! My mom always said "There's something about a mom and her son. A girl will always stick with her mom, but boys will separate from them and go out on their own." Maybe that's why she's so psycho & overprotective. She has a daughter, but this is her very first grandchild. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that she's too excited to accept the fact that there are boundaries!
Hahaha and I thought my MIL was a PITA. Yours takes the cake.
Seriously, we hardly ever go over to my in laws house, mainly because I hate it over there and the place is filthy and covered in dog hair. Not some place I'd like my toddler to run around in.
They've got toys, diapers, and wipes over there which helps us out because we don't need to bring anything with us when we do come over. I think that's all you need over at gramma's house.
WOW!!
My MIL is the exact opposite. She refuses to be called grandma ("grandma" is my mom not her apparently as she often will say), she won't let us bring or leave anything so we hardly see her, and she is in some kind of cougar single girl- convertible car driving-girls night out stage and does not feel like acting her age. It is weird!!
If I had a MIL like how you described I would just be upfront with her or make DH break the news that what she is doing is not only inappropriate but also disrespectful to you and DH. She is over shadowing a celebratory time and if she wants to have her friends over for a baby whatever she will need to plan it herself and it should be AFTER you have all your showers/parties. It may hurt her feelings but I wouldn't allow someone to be so blatantly inappropriate and possibly really hurt my feelings.
My aunt tried to have a "grandma" party because her daughter refused to have a shower but she was planning on giving everything to her daughter for the baby. She didn't have a grandma shower because her daughter put her in line and told her if she didn't feel like having a shower for her baby no one should have a shower.
I do think grandma showers (with a registry?) are over the top.
I do however appreciate that my mom and MIL have a few baby items at their houses. Both have a Pack 'n Play and a high chair. Both have a few toys and books. Both have a few bibs. I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to go up there (even if it is just for the afternoon) and have a place for my baby to nap, eat, etc without having to lug everything up.
My mom has a VERY tight knit group of girlfriends and they did buy her some baby stuff when I was pregnant with #1. There weren't invites or a registry - just a little lunch they put together to celebrate. I thought it was thoughtful of them. Maybe it is because it is MY mom?
I see where this could be bothersome but I promise you that your MIL having a few baby items around won't necessarily mean it is "her" baby or that she expects more baby time. It will simply make things much more convenient for you on your obligatory visits.
This exactly! Wow lol that's crazy, but for sure just ask her what she will be doing with the gifts, if she's keeping them then you should add more stuff to it or tell her to make her own? So weird
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Nobody tell my MIL that there is such a thing as a Grandma Shower - she would want one! And not because she will be watching LO (at all), but because she ALWAYS has to be the center of attention and a Grandma Shower would make LO all about her!
On that note - I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a grandma shower - if the grandma doesn't ask for it, doesn't register, and doesn't ask you to register so she can get gifts off YOUR registry. If it is just a group of friends that want to help a new grandma out and celebrate her becoming a grandma, that is fine. That is not about the grandma wanting / asking for gifts or attention. But I have never heard of a grandma shower either - my mom bought a lot of stuff herself (my Brother has 2 kids) for when the kids come over and never asked for anything. But it sounds like your MIL is a lot like mine (but my DH does put his foot down, so she doesn't try to run things anymore) and wants it to be about her and how special she is that you and DH were able to conceive a child!
I have never heard of such a thing. IMO it's REALLY tacky unless its a surprise for grandma (as in she wasn't the whackadoo who thought it up) and people bring small useful items for her house like books/toys/bibs.
For her to use YOUR registry is completely redic. Tell her to make her own since it will be for stuff for her. .....and do take that mug shot of her
Just kidding (hopefully)
what?!? it is EVEN MORE WEIRD that your father had a shower. i mean, who is raising the baby? you or your father? and frankly, i can't believe people don't even raise an eyebrow at the idea of showering a "grandpa", given this economy.
and OP, i really don't think you are over-reacting, in the slightest. but you do need to put a foot down soon if you want your MIL to stop her shenanigans. you need to politely tell her that your registry is for you and the things that "the parents" need for baby. and maybe add that you will gladly bring the items baby needs every time he/she visits, which really won't be that often in the first place. and then say "have fun at your party, glad your excited." big smile : )
really though, you don't want people buying for her off your registry, b/c at the store they may then take it off the registry once bought for HER, and no one will even know you stil need the item. kwim?
this is just too weird, honestly. wtf is with people these days??
LMAO!!! She TOTALLY is! In the past, I've been as passive and giving as I can to her. My FIL & DH have both told me to "give her what she wants and she'll be happy" and "learn to tune her out like we all have, and you'll be fine". She's too pushy, and now that there's a LO involved, I'm starting to feel defensive.
1) reading comprehension is your friend. It was a surprise. He didn't get hundreds of dollars of crap, swings, pack-n-plays, etc that a parent would normally get at a shower. Just some things that make it easier when I visit. I lived 3 hours away at the time, now 8 hours away. When I visit, it isn't for the afternoon, it is for a number of days (up to a week) at a time. So its nice to not have to pack every freaking toiletry for both myself, and my kid, crib sheets, cloth diapers, high chair, etc.
2) if the MIL's friend wants to give her a shower, who cares? The only thing I'd be annoyed about is the MIL wanting to use my registry for gifts. MIL getting some baby stuff to help when the kid visits hardly means she expects extended visits, or thinks she has a "claim" to the kid.
Seriously, people on this board never cease to amaze me with how quickly they get their maternity panties in a bunch. Settle down. Not every action taken by family is a threat to your status as a parent, or is a personal affront.
"OH MAH GAH!!! MIL wants to have some baby supplies for when we visit! THE NERVE of that woman!!!"
i agree with you that there is nothing wrong with the in-laws having things available for you and your baby to use when you visit. it is the ACT of throwing a shower for someone that is not the main caretaker that i do find extremely odd. and i find it odd you think it's not odd. have a party to celebrate the baby, great. but invite mom-to-be and baby. the birth of the baby is about the baby and the parents, not about the grandparents. if they want to celebrate mom and baby, fine. they don't need to celebrate themselves. it's not their accomplishment that their kid's wife is giving birth. can you even see where i'm coming from, regardless if you agree or not?????
I see where you're coming from, I just disagree, and frankly, find it self centered. Yes, I get it that it is the mom and dad having the baby. So grandparents-to-be can't celebrate amongst their peers about starting a new chapter in their lives? Becoming a grandparent is a really exciting thing for some, and totally different than becoming a parent. From what I hear, it is even more fun because not only do you get to see your *own* children experience the joys of raising children, you get to participate in the fun parts (cute clothes, visits, trips to the zoo, goofy phone calls from a 2 year old, etc), and don't have to deal with the not so fun parts of raising a child (potty training, sleep deprivation, teenage/toddler battle of wills, etc).
To say that only the parents can/should be celebrated just seems incredibly self centered.
And I can only imagine the responses I'd see on this board if someone actually *was* invited to their parent's grandparent shower (as you suggested, to make sure that the event is focused on the "appropriate" people). "WTF, why would I want to drag myself, and a newborn to sit around and watch my mother/MIL open gifts, that aren't even for me and my baby? " "How inconsiderate of her! Doesn't she know you have a newborn? You should be sleeping and taking care of yourself, not be expected to go spend the afternoon hanging out with her friends."
Wow! I am surprised my mil didn't come up with that one!!! When we announced the pregnancy of our first child, she said (and I quote), "Oh good, now we don't have to adopt a baby of our own!" I didn't realize what kind of grandmother she was going to turn into, but that sounded like a creepy reaction to me........it is going to be her "grandbaby" not her OWN baby! By the time he was actually born, I had seen enough to know that they won't be watching the baby for me.......EVER! lol She was furious when she found out we had a different plan for childcare (while I worked 3 days a week) than she did, regardless of the fact we never even discussed it with her. She was planning on watching my LO 5 days a week and 24 hours a day whenever the baby was sick. Mind you, I only worked 3 days a week and I was a nurse! Right!
So, my advise is to let her have her "Grandma Shower", but make her own registry. It seems like a waste to me. My mother did buy a crib, highchair and stroller (used from a garage sale), since she lived out of town and when we visit we have to stay the night.......otherwise, she wouldn't have even had that. Now that they moved into a smaller house, she doesn't even have that much. I have to bring everything, which I don't mind. We only go there a couple times a year. My mil lives 15 minutes away, so why does she need a crib, etc? I never understood that.
Ok - so one day we may have to compare MIL stories....because yours sounds VERY much like mine. I too was the "Friend" up until we were engaged. Even after living together for 3 years I was still the "Friend". But I digress......
If she wants stuff for HER house, tell her to register for it. Because YOUR registry is for YOU....and if people see that the Boppy you wanted was already bought, then you won't get it & you'll be double pissed when you see it sitting on her couch.
Now....I will say that my mom's friends threw her a surprise G-ma shower. I was invited, but they did this for her. They bought her G-ma appropriate stuff.....like extra diapers or cute "my grandma rocks" bibs & such. But nothing "big"......because obviously its not her kid.
I'd tell her that its nice that she wants this shower, but that she needs to register for stuff she wants for her home so that YOUR guests to YOUR shower do not get confused on what you want and what G-ma wants.
Good luck!
(BTW - My MIL just recently accused me of keeping her son away from her........as we were traveling 700 miles to visit her. WTF?)