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January 2011 Moms
Do I say something?! wwyd? (long)
So I just spent an AWFUL night with my bff and her daughter, whom I have been babysitting since I have the summer off. The WHOLE night was one tantrum after another, literally the entire night was a battle. At one point daughter ran off in the grocery store and got halfway across the store. Since mom had TOLD her (like 6 times), if she didn't hold one of our hands and took off, she would be going out to the car for a time out, I stepped in and reminded her that her mom told her that, and out we went. Her mom thanked me and commented on how nice it was to have someone there so she could follow through. Seriously?! Your husband is like 1950's dad -which is fine, it works for them, but in that case - YOU spend 99 percent of the time with your kid, you don't need backup - you need to stick to your guns and if that means leaving a shopping cart a few times to get the point across, so be it, or she stays in the cart. 
I'm torn, part of me wanted/still wants to not step in because it's not my place. But bff comments on how bad she is with her and how "she's always good" with me, and I tell her exactly what it is I'm doing so that I'm not in a constant power struggle with her child. I'm having a REALLY hard time going out with them, or even when she comes to pick her up and this awful, manipulative behaviour happens and I just want to shoo them both out the door. Especially when she takes off in public places and it is just plain not safe.
I only have a few days left of babysitting, but it's gotten to the point where I literally can't stand to be around my bff with her daughter. Do I say something? Be a good friend and lay it out for her?! Or am I already over-stepping?! I don't know what to do! Tonight at dinner she was talking about me imagining what it will be like for us to go for dinner when I have a 2 yr old and she has a 4yr old and all I could think is "I wouldn't want to.". I feel like a horrible person. I've already told my husband I don't want them to babysit for us because knowing that "no" means "yes" is something I don't want to have to fight to correct.
I just feel like I'm getting so bitter and now I'm worrying about being a parent myself because this whole summer has been so frigging negative.
Agh! Sorry for the rant ladies. It's been building up for a few months now and tonight I hit my frustration limit.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Do I say something?! wwyd? (long)
That sounds like an awful situation. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable.
As far as saying something, without knowing anything about your relationship or communication style I would say that timing and tact in this situation are everything. She gave you an open when she thanked you for being there to help her follow through. I wouldn't think it would be appropriate to just bring it up without her asking for advice or bringing up her struggles. Ultimately this is about her and her family and not your problem to solve.
I'm glad you will get some space from the situation soon.
unfortunately, you really can't tell someone how to raise their kids. unless they specifically ASK for your help.
that being said, I have a super tight open communicative relationship with my BFF, and when I see her setting herself up for a fall, I tell her. If I saw her being inconsistent with her kid, and she gave me an "opening" like "wow, my kid does so well with you" I might find a way to say something very gently, like "well this is what I find works for me." And never ever imply that she is doing something wrong, but just that I found something that "works for me." Of course, that only works because we have the kind of relationship where that is acceptable behavior. For any other friend, I'd keep my mouth shut and just see less of them.
Also - yes, 2 yr olds are brats who like to test limits, and they may behave very diff with friends than with their own parents.
Thank you ALL for your respnoses, it was very helpful to read.
I completely agree that you can't parent someone else's kids, I just get so sick of hearing "She's awful for me and she's ALWAYS good for you...". I've tried to used it to say "well, this seemed to work" or "No, no...we fought a good fight for a few days, but she seems to be over it and handling it well."...etc. Don't get me wrong, she DEFINITELY is 2 and that is something that I keep in mind and never loose my cool when dealing with her at my house, but as far as "normal" 2 yr old behaviour, of the five other friends I have with kids born within 4 months of eachother that are her age and the years of being around 2 yr olds in the daycare my mom ran...I truly, truly believe that her self-inflicting injury tendencies are something that go above and beyond, to the point where before I realised that she isn't doing it with anyone other than mom, I thought something was medically wrong with her. THAT is the stuff that is really bothering me to watch.
I guess I'll keep looking for openings to help when she asks, and maybe like one poster said, remind her when she's being inconsistant. Aside from that, I'm definitely stepping back from spending time with the two of them because I want to enjoy my bf AND her little girl, not feel stressed out around them and completely drained, worried, upset and exasperated!
Thanks again ladies!
I'm going to disagree with PPs. This is not some casual friend. This is your BFF who you have a childcare relationship with! Reason 1 to speak up (kindly, gently, using more questions than judgments): you are BEST FRIENDS. If you don't speak up out of love, who in the world will? Someone who judges her, doesn't get her, loses their temper with her kid, etc.? That person will probably not speak up out of love but frustration which will cause her to be defensive and shut them out. With you, she knows that you don't have any ill will toward her. I cannot imagine a better person for this kind of talk than a best friend. Also, it is unfair to pull back from a relationship with her without explanation (as you suggest in your last paragraph). I don't know if you've ever been on the receiving end of that, but it really hurts!. I'd always rather have some uncomfortable talks and move on rather than be in the dark about what changed.
Reason 2: Wouldn't you expect a professional childcare provider to give a daily "report card" on your child or inform you of spotlight issues? If you are a regular childcare provider, this sort of talk easily falls under your "job". Heck, I'd even expect an occasional babysitter to give me a daily report.
I do think that you have to tread lightly and not be judgmental. But, I do think a good friend should speak up--again with loads of questions: How do you think things are going? As my little one comes, we're thinking ahead to discipline styles. What works for you, what doesn't? (then let that guide anything you say back). As for things you notice on a daily basis, I would comment on those. "X struggled with obeying today. I took her for a time out, just like I said I would. What motivates her to listen at home?" "Can you recommend any good books on parenting young kids? (Then have follow talks about what you've read.) That sort of thing.
I debated talking to my BFF about some things with her DD. Through just asking a few questions I found out that she was WELL aware of the issues. She was working on some, seeking outside help for others (and open to resources and talking about it), waiting some things out (her DD was behind on a few things and they suspected a disability, but then she just grew out of those things--yay), and some things were on hold because it was too stressful for the marriage at that moment. Asking questions really opened my eyes to where I should--as a close friend with an open, honest relationship-- hold her accountable and where I needed to keep my opinions to myself and just ride it out with her.
More Green For Less Green
I also somewhat disagree with PP's. If your BFF and her daughter are at your house together, and her daughter isn't following rules YOU set when she doesn't listen to her mom, then you need to step in. It's your house.
We don't have kids yet, but we do have 3 nieces and a nephew who we occasionally babysit. Both kids and parents (including family) know the house rules. For example, if we're outside, kids MUST stay in the yard above the hill. I think anything else is too close to the street, and I don't want to be held responsible for a LO getting hit by a car. SIL's 3 girls (the nieces) know the rule and follow it, or they have to stay in the house. BIL's 2 yr son (the nephew) actually ran down the hill & was almost hit by a car when a neighbor grabbed him just in time. BIL and his girlfriend were both there at the time and just let him run. I took off after him but just couldn't get there fast enough. Sorry, not happening. I took him in the house & told him he can stay there until he learns to listen when we tell him no.
That was enforced for the rest of the day. He didn't go outside unless someone was holding him. When BIL's GF complained that I wouldn't let her son come outside w/ his cousins, I told her that I wasn't being responsible for her inability to teach her son not to run into the road. (We don't really get along, if you can tell.) And if she wasn't going to watch her son then he could stay in the house with his grandparents. DH backed me up. That was a more extreme issue, though, b/c the kid's actual safety was in jeopardy.
A big part of the problem is that mom openly acknowledges that "her kid is a brat", and that nothing is working. "She just fights with me all the time, it's just me". I do give her daily updates, as she does ask how things went, and I detail the days issues and what we did about them, what the outcome was, etc. So she knows what happens when she acts up with me. She also knows that after the first two weeks LO has never self-inflicted injuries when I discipline her, so clearly that is something that can and should get mom's attention. I have nicely told her when I think she's being manipulated, I have even tried (nicely) suggesting/reminding that she's told her something X amount of times, if she wants to follow through, I don't mind, we can leave, have a time out in the mall...whatever, I don't mind taking a minute to deal with the situation. The biggest problem there is that when I'm out with them I turn into the "threat" as the person who will inflict the consequence because mom knows she listens to me. Despite my telling her that she can get the same results, she just needs to set the limit and follow through. Instead it's become "if you don't do -this-, aunt will give you a time out" or "you will go out to the car with aunt", or "Aunt told you" (no, actually I just reminded her of what YOU said was going to happen.). So I find that annoying.
When they are in my house, I absolutely give her time outs if she is not following the rules and behaviour that she KNOWS is acceptable in my house. The problem is that when mom is there, it is literally one tantrum after another and I feel like I step in for the biggies, but should not have to be acting as the parent when mom is there. Mom doesn't seem to think I overstep, but I feel like I am!