The dreaded question

1stcomeslove2 · August 2010

I was asked the dreaded question for the first time since the miscarriage "Do you have any children?" My mind went a million miles and hour trying to figure out how I should answer. "yes but I lost the baby...I recently had a miscarriage..etc" I went with "no but I hope to soon"

I was pregnant for 6 wks. In my mind I lost my child that I didn't have enough time with but I know to most people it wasn't a "real" baby. How do you all answer this awful question?

itsmegin · August 2010

I know what you mean, our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, though I didn't have a D&C until 11.5.I don't even know if it was a girl or a boy, and I know many people would barely consider that a child, even though to me it was my baby the moment I found out I was pregnant.

So far, that question has mostly been asked by people I barely know and am not going to really interact with, like people in stores, doctors or dentists offices, etc. To them I just say "not yet." because I'm not going to get into my loss with a stranger I'll never see again. Most people I know well know what happened, and I'm open with other people I'm meeting and may get to know about what happened. I don't say "Yes I have a child in Heaven." but if it comes up and they directly ask me if I have kids and/or when I'm going to, I do say we are trying and that I just had a miscarriage.

damabo80 · August 2010

Ugh. That question is the worse. A close second would be "so, when are you two going to have a baby?"

It depends on the asker. I've replied with all of the following:

"Yes"

"Yes, but he passed away in April"

"I don't have any living children" (I like this one because it's true and it gets the point across)

"Not yet"

"No"

ravenorchid · August 2010

I haven't yet been asked, but I think it might depend on who asked and how I was feeling. While I'd like to think I'd say something like "I have a baby in heaven" or something, I would probably mostly say "Not yet". I like the suggestion of saying "I have no living children". Maybe I'll stick with that.

A couple days after our loss, I still had a belly bump (now long gone) and a salesman asked us if I was pregnant to which I just responded "Not anymore". Ug. I wish some people would mind their own business.

pennynjon · August 2010

The first time someone asked me, I said no. Then I felt awful about saying no. So, now I say "I have a daughter in Heaven" or "I have a daughter but she passed away." It is hard when some people follow that with 1 million diffiicult questions though.

Laurakat81 · August 2010

I still struggle with this question. I haven't found a good answer.

I usually simply say no. But in my head I'm panicked and heartbroken thinking, yes, I have two babies!!! But I know if I said that people would start asking more questions about them and I would end up having to tell someone I don't know my sad story and I'm just not okay with that either. Besides I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to make a stupid comment that just hurts me more.

But I understand. It feels like a stab to the heart every time I hear it. And worse it feels like I'm denying their existance when i say no.

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