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3rd Trimester
MIL smokes
Ok let me start with my mil is....different. 
she had my husband at 15 and was kinda in and out of his life bc of her age, drugs, and alcohol. she has been off drugs for years and is now a real estate agent. her personality is very strong..she is one of those you either love her or hate her type of people. we have the kind of relationship were i can tell her back off when she is annoying, but she still irritates me constantly. ok so enough mil bashing...here is the problem.
Before i got prego with first daughter who is now 2 mil said when you get prego im goin to stop smoking. so when i got prego i said ok time to stop smoking. she said she would when baby got here. baby #1 arrived and she stopd smoking for about a month. now im prego with baby #2 and the other day i was over at her house in the front yard my 2 yr old was playing in kiddie pool running around and mil and her husband are smoking one after another with my daughter running around in it. then my daughter picks up the cigarrettes and lighter. i dont know what to do. i dont want to cause a fight but its something that bothers me..but i dont want for how irritating she is to me to cloud my judgement here. sorry for the long post ladies, ive been thinkin on this one for days..advice needed please.
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Re: MIL smokes
It's very simple. Let her know that it is NOT ok for her to smoke near or around your children. And if she smells of smoke, don't let her hold your children.
Her being irritating is the least of your worries. Your judgment is not being clouded - if anything, you are making excuses to avoid having a confrontation.
I'm kind of struggling with this also, but it's MY mom who smokes. I feel awful, but I really don't want my baby/kid in her house. She smokes inside the house and the air quality in there is terrible. I had asthma/respiratory issues as a kid (she smoked while pregnant with me and continued to do so in the house) and I STILL have breathing issues when I go over there where I have to leave within an hour or I start getting "growly" and have to clear my throat, have headaches, etc.
I will just be inviting her to my house (where any smoking MUST be done OUTSIDE!) as much as possible so that she doesn't get the feeling I don't want her around her grandkid. If it comes right down to it and she insists on me bringing the kid over, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and explain myself, which I am NOT looking forward to. I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but I remember having to carry around the emergency inhalers, using steroid inhalers daily, and the feeling you get when your lungs close and you literally can't breathe and I do NOT want to do that to my kid.
I'm worried about the same thing. Both of my ILs smoke and a few months ago we were there and I watched FIL smoke with MIL right next to him holding SIL's youngest (1 yr). Things are a little different because we live pretty far from them and they don't see them every day - and they are very aware of where I am when they smoke - but I need to make sure that they don't forget the way they do with SIL's kids.
Maybe talk to your DH and tell him of your concerns and let him deal with his mother?
What Are Your Thoughts on Tap Dancing Penguins?
Ladies, please read these articles:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-is-third-hand-smoke
https://www.mayoclinic.com/health/third-hand-smoke/AN01985
As you will see, it's not just being 'around' smoke that's detrimental. Third-hand smoke is equally as dangerous, if not more, because people have yet to realize the damage it can cause.
that is very true about not wanting to confront her bc i know that her and his granny are going to say im trying to keep them from the baby. my husband ran away from her house when he was a kid because she does not change. and thats what he reminds me when she does something i dont like and i want to confront her about it. she wouldnt change then so why should i expect her to change now? i know its just more excuses i guess im just not looking forward to the big blow up and feeling like the bad guy..
I'm kind of struggling with this also, but it's MY mom who smokes. I feel awful, but I really don't want my baby/kid in her house. She smokes inside the house and the air quality in there is terrible. I had asthma/respiratory issues as a kid (she smoked while pregnant with me and continued to do so in the house) and I STILL have breathing issues when I go over there where I have to leave within an hour or I start getting "growly" and have to clear my throat, have headaches, etc.
I will just be inviting her to my house (where any smoking MUST be done OUTSIDE!) as much as possible so that she doesn't get the feeling I don't want her around her grandkid. If it comes right down to it and she insists on me bringing the kid over, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and explain myself, which I am NOT looking forward to. I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but I remember having to carry around the emergency inhalers, using steroid inhalers daily, and the feeling you get when your lungs close and you literally can't breathe and I do NOT want to do that to my kid.
im sorry for your situation.. thankfully my parents dont smoke. that sounds like it was really hard for you as a child so it seems like your mom should understand that you dont want to put your baby through that.
You need to stand your ground. Obviously your MIL does not care what happens to her body - but you can let her know that you CAN and WILL stand up for what's best for YOUR children. If she has a problem with the fact that she cannot smoke around your kids, or come near AFTER smoking, then it may be best for her not to be around your kids for a little while.
On the other hand, the fact that she has stated a want to quit in the past tells me that she may want to quit - it is tough. It wasn't hard for me to quit, but I had a BFP in my hand, and the knowledge that I HAD to do it. She may need some extra support - given her addictive past.
You also need to realize that your posts seem whiny, and uneducated. If you go to her with that attitude, she more than likely will not listen to you. I'm having a hard time with the typos and incorrect grammar as we speak. Just an FYI.
Between your story, your spelling, and your use of slang...you guys sound Klassy.
For once, Atelier, I must concur with what you have to say.
i didnt realize i was writing a college paper and needed to be grammatically correct with my posts. thanks for the advice.
No they are the ones choosing to keep themselves from the baby by not respecting your wishes. Trust me, this does not fall under the umbrella of keeping them from the baby. This is simply looking out for your child's best interest. You are the mom and you have to do what is best for your child and not care what selfish adults are thinking.
Again you are not the bad guy. They can certainly see the baby when they have clean breath and clothes. If they refuse to do that then they are the ones keeping themselves from the baby.
Is it bad that I only noticed the word CUPCAKE in your post? I'd like a cupcake now please!
I'd like a cupcake now please!
THIS!!!! LOL!
But seriously, standing up for your kids does not make you the "bad guy". If your IL have no regard for their own health...that is completely their choice. However, children can not speak for themselves & it is our job as parents to be their voice & speak up for them. You know like everyone else, including your IL know, that smoking is not good for ANYONE. 1st, 2nd, or 3rd hand smoke. If they can't live with your request, obviously they love the habit more than their grandkids. They're the ones missing out. GL.
My parents smoke, FIL smokes, and DH occasionally smokes. When I was little my mom smoked in the house, and I was constantly teased about being stinky, and the kids I wanted to play with weren't allowed over at my house...except for 3. Now that we've been living in this house for about 10 years, they don't smoke in the house anymore. I was always nagging them to use Febreze or Glade spray when they came in from smoking because it would make the house stink.
I started smoking when I was 17, but I never smoked in the house. I don't care if people smoke, but it's horrible when it's in the house. I fully quit smoking my 3rd month into my pregnancy, I had a very hard time quitting and it took me a while to cut down...but I did it, and I'm proud. With my husband, he still struggles. He would tell me, "It's all in your head. You aren't addicted, it's all in your mind." Well, he would tell me all the time that I was never addicted and he was...so I would just tell him right back, "It's all in your mind." I still hate when he has one. I told him that we are going to be the biggest influences in our daughter's life...I do not want to be bad examples.
Now with my parents, I am going to buy the spray so that when they come in from smoking...they will spray. If they want to hold her, I would really like them to wash their hands and put in some gum. Same with FIL...but he's going to be more hard-headed about it, at least that's how I feel. FIL has said that when DH was a baby he would dip his finger into his beer and give him a taste and that DH really liked it and it would be funny if our daughter liked it too. DH is not really one to speak up about stuff, but he did with this and said that he ever finds out he does that with our daughter she won't be allowed over there very much.
Me, I don't care who smokes...I just don't want my daughter thinking it is okay when I say it is not. The older adults that are involved in our life that smoke are worse than our friends and family that are our age. The younger ones will not smoke around each other's kids, so that's something I'm thankful for.
As for your kid picking up the cigarettes and lighter, I would have definitely said it was a no-no and told MIL to keep them out of reach of the children. If it hurts her feelings that you do not approve of the chain smoking in front of your children, then I agree with a PP that said that's her problem not yours, you are doing what you feel is right for your children.
So, after reading this, I think my husband and I need to discuss this topic and figure out what we would like to see done.
Oh yeah, one more thing.
In our childbirth class, we were told that even someone coming in from smoking outside has the smoke residue on them & can cause breathing problems & SIDS. Washing hands is not enough. They need to layer up in a coat while smoking so that most of the residue is on the coat. Then when they come in, they need to take the coat off and/or change clothes and of course, wash their hands. Of course, the most favorable solution would be for them to stop smoking period but addictive behaviors are hard to overcome sometimes. Congrats on your stopping though Acendaneil.