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February 2011 Moms
I know this is "controversial" but you ladies are so nice.
I have a little girl here at home and have gotten VERY used to life with a girl. We are not finding out the sex of this baby and I am SO afraid of having a boy! Not that I won't love him or anything, just I won't know what to do with him.
I guess I am looking for reassurance that other women possibly felt/feel the same way and how did you deal with it? Maybe it is somewhat normal coming from a woman?
Please no flaming!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I know this is "controversial" but you ladies are so nice.
TTC #1 - May 2010 - IUI #3: BFP
TTC #2 - May 2012 -IUI #2: BFP
thanks for the help, This is EXACTLY what I was looking for.
I thought a boy would be hard, but it turns out it's really not. Diapers are easy easy because you can wipe any which way. Sure, they tend to be more active, but it sure is fun!
I'll admit when I first found out I was having a boy the first go around, I was a little disappointed just because I wanted a girl, but I was wrong, because my son is just perfect the way he is!
I think for most of us, it's more the fear of the unknown that is the problem, rather than the gender itself. That's pretty much universal in anything we do.
Hope this helps at least a little bit!
I think this is what I mean, I grew up in a family of only girls, and have a girl. I don't even know the first thing about potty training a boy! Therea re other things too.
I think we all know that we will love our child no matter what I am just worried I would mess up a boy!
I'm glad you're being nice, because I see absolutely nothing wrong with her post.
She never said she would be disappointed or sad if she had a boy, just that she was afraid she wouldn't know what to do.
To the OP: I am not totally in your shoes, but I get your concern, I am having a baby. I've never touched a baby in my life, so I am afraid no matter what the sex is that I will not know what to do. I think it will come natural. I think the same will happen to you. As babies, I don't know if there is much of a difference. But really, I think you just need to do what comes natural -- being a mother. But I do agree that if it concerns you, and you need time to prepare, maybe you should find out beforehand.
Thank you for understanding. This does help a lot.
Thanks for the support and this too is reassuring. You remind me that when I was pregnant with DD I was worried that I wouldn't know what to do with an infant and we just figure it all out. Now that I don't have to worry about having an infant..!
I wouldn't stress over it too much, you probably didn't have much experience with girls before your DD was born and you did just fine. Same will happen if you have a son, you will just make it work.
I have to agree with pp though, if you know you are going to stress, then you need to find out before hand so you can get a hold of your emotions before your little one gets here.
I think little boys are fun. We are having a girl this time so we will get to experience both.
Proud mama to a boys- 6/17/09 - a girl 2/23/11- and a boy 8/20/12
I am scared about anything and everything baby related, so please don't feel as if you are the only one! I am scared that my daughter will take after me physically and be sexualized by her peers at an early age, that my son will be exceptionally sensitive like me and have a hard time connecting to his father...the list goes on and on.
I am just planning on finding reputable books/articles about whatever I am concerned about, and then to try make the best decision that I can. I am even considering a few therapy sessions if I get too overwhelmed! I think that it is our natural tendency as pregnant women to worry about the future. Just try not to let it get the better of you! Good luck!
She is female so she already knew what to do. None of us has a penis so we are not necessarily "automatically trained" in on how to take care of someone who does. That is how I took what she meant.
I do agree that finding out before hand will probably help. Not only that but, if it is a boy, wait until you see him and I am sure all your fears will fly out the window.
I think you are just having normal mommy-to-be anxiety.
Oh so we should all automatically know what to do if the baby is a girl because we're girls? My point was no one really "knows" what to do and we figure it out along the way boy or girl.
I have to say, my first was a boy and he was a piece of cake to diaper change!! The only part that worried me was the circumcision, since he didn't have a plastibell. It really wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.
I was the opposite of you (if you have a boy)- my second baby was a girl, and I was TERRIFIED!! I had a friend who, right when I found out I was having a girl, had a 2 month old little girl who developed a UTI that turned into kidney problems, and lead to to start having a heart infection!!! Tell me that's not scary! We were out in Japan, and the Base Hospital had no infant cardiology unit so Audrey was sent out in a Japanese ambulance to the Yokohama hospital, and her mom had to go in a separate vehicle. It was so frightening for me to see this as a possibility. Even to this day, I make sure I wipe her the right way so she won't develop a UTI!!! Boys are SO much easier.
...... read this. maybe it will help.
https://babyrabies.com/2009/12/31/so-youre-going-to-be-a-boy-mom/
-m/c at 11w2d due to partial molar 2008 -m/c #2 2009
Beautiful daughter born February 2011
**Ultimate TTCALer 2009**
Oh, I'm so glad you see nothing wrong with her post. ::rolls eyes:: I guess we both have our opinions, right?
Like, pps said, maybe having some perspective would be a good thing. And, fwiw, there are some of us who never think twice about if it's a boy or girl - just that it's healthy and we didn't lose the baby before we could hold them.
Thanks for your enlightening callout, Graham. You're a peach.
njh514- I had lots of difficulty TTC, and I can totally relate with the OP.
When I was pregnant with my first I was totally freaked out at the idea of having a girl. I had little brothers, knew what little boys were like, felt familiar with raising them.
Then I had a girl. I love being a mom to a girl. Now I am afraid to have a boy. I don't know how to take care of a boy, am I going to be a good mom to a boy?
Now I know realistically I will love and cherish all of my babies no matte rthe sex. And I will learn how to meet the needs of both genders. But these are all normal responses to being pregnant. The fear of the unknown, what ifs.
The OP didn't say she didn't want a boy, or that she would cry for days if she had a boy, she just asked if anyone felt the same way. And guess what. I totes see where she is coming from.
Thanks for being honest about your fears! I'm sure there are other women here who feel the same way but would be too afraid of being misunderstood or flamed to post!
My mom readily admitted to feeling the exact same way as you when my first brother was born. (I'm the oldest and have three younger brothers.) I was 3 1/2 when my brother was born and she said she was terrified that she wouldn't know what to do with a boy. She said, "I knew how to play tea party and stuffed animals and change a girls diaper, but I didn't know what to do with a boy." But she fell right into it as soon as my brother was born and has been an awesome mother of boys!
If you have specific fears, like diaper changing, then I'd recommend starting your research. Knowledge is power and as one PP said, it's more the fear of the unknown. Take the new baby class at the hospital (even though you've already had a baby) and pay special attention and ask specific questions about caring for boys. Pick the brains of the mother-of-boys friends you have. You'll be fine! IMHO, acknowledging your feelings is a great start. Denial and avoidance create a wonderful breeding ground for resentment and other negative emotions.
Good luck, Mama! You'll do great!
m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
My boobies belong to cour10e
I completely understand where OP is coming from. (Yes, even after having trouble TTC!) I'm just not a woman who has ever related particularly well to men or boys, outside of those few I've dated/married. I've never had many guy friends, and back in the day when I worked with children, I didn't relate all that well to boys. For example, when I was a camp counselor, it was very easy for me to think of fun activities to do with my girls the weeks I had girl cabins, but very hard for me to figure out what to do with my boys the weeks I had boy cabins. Obviously I worked to come up with stuff to do with the boys, and we liked each other and had a nice time, but it just wasn't the same as the natural rapport I had with girls.
So that's why I am hoping for a girl. At the same time, this baby is OUR baby, the one I've grown attached to, and if I could wave a magic wand to ensure that I have a girl baby, I wouldn't. And I don't think anyone here who is hoping for one sex or the other is saying that she wouldn't love her new baby to pieces regardless. It's just an adjustment and having to venture into unfamiliar territory.
Thanks to the poster who posted that "So You're Going to Be a Boy Mom" article... that was great!
Duh. First and foremost we all want a healthy baby, my goodness. But besides that, I must apologize - I just didn't realize we weren't allowed to have fears about raising a child of a certain gender. My bad.
Being that you just used the word "duh", I can't even justify replying at this point.
Oh no. You really hurt my feelings.
Okay, first I have to say that I'm NOT slamming you....however, even before I had my first baby - before I had high risk pregnancies - all I could hope for was a healthy baby. I didn't care if it were a boy or a girl. After I had my first M/C at 11 weeks...with my first pregnancy...I really really really didn't care what I had, I just wanted healthy and delivered.
So, next thing you know I'm having a boy! I grew up a tomboy so it seemed natural. Anything too "boyish" and I made my DH deal with it. When I found out I was having a girl with my second, again another high risk pregnancy, I didn't care about the sex, just wanted happy and healthy. But, I was a little anxious about how to work with a girl after having a boy for 6 years.
The biggest thing for me....despite what people say about changing diapers being the same....they aren't! Little girls have all sorts of little "Crannies" you have to clean out with a messy poop. If you don't, this could lead to a UTI which is scary since they can't tell you and it can turn into something more serious. This was especially nerve wracking for us since our daughter has kidney issues.
Other than that, too me, they are about the same and I love them both the same! And, now, we are expecting another boy!
I hear ya, OP. First of all, I have no gender preference, but I will be quite thrown if baby turns out to be a boy. I was raised with three sisters and have virtually no experience with boys. I've baby sat boys a few times before, and it sure is a whole different ball game from what I'm used to (at least the ones I watched).
If I'm having a boy, my feelings of the fear of the unknown are completely unrelated to how much we (already) love him. Sorry you caught some flak on here- sometimes people like to drum up drama where there is none
If you do have a boy, this time next year you probably won't remember what life without a son is like!
My exact thoughts. Do everyone a favor (including yourself, your husband, and your future son or daughter) and find out the gender at ~20 weeks. I feel like your feelings, even if they were stated clumsily, are normal feelings -- but you need to handle them proactively and maturely. Good luck.
I have had two losses. It was the most horrible time of my life. One of the worst things to deal with for me was not talking about it. Like it was some big bad taboo thing to say "I lost a pregnancy, in fact I have lost more than one." There is a shame that is involved with having to keep secrets. Why should we be afraid to admit it. Why should we be afraid to admit, I am scared to be a mommy, or I am scared I am not a good enough parent.
Sometimes admitting that we are aren't perfect is what can help us grow as people. These secrets that we have to keep as women hurt our gender. Why do we feel we have to pretend that everything is perfect, that we are perfect, that our pregnancy story is perfect, that we will be perfect mommies, who will love our babies perfectly. Let's be open and honest so that we can get the help that we need from each other and the support that we can give as women.
I am well aware of the loss elephant from lurking on that board. It is beautiful. We as women will support each other, even if it is to put our hands on each other backs and say, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. Sometimes, I am guessing, being a mommy can be overwhelming, it is those women who cannot and do not reach out for help that are doing a disservice to themselves and to their children. We need to be able to admit our fears and our feelings so that we can get the support and information we need. That is all OP is asking for. And of anyone, women who have experienced loss should understand that.
Also, women who experience loss should understand that another person may have a different experience with pregnancy, and that person's individual experience in pregnancy will shape that person's emotion and perspective. The OP has clearly had different experiences then some of you women. To judge her is just like someone who has not experienced a loss judging us. She has a real fear. One I have heard from many women. It may not be what every woman feels, but that doesn't make it wrong.
To OP: the best way to get over fear is with education. Talk to your doctor about your fears, ask if there is educational literature that she might recommend. Maybe you can talk to your girlfriends who have had children of both sexes, ask them what the differences are and how they dealt with having a child of one sex then transitioning to learning another.
Kids are resilient. Think about all the people who had babies before there was the internet, and baby books and message boards. You are going to be just fine. We are all learning as we go. My guess is when you have that little baby in your arms and you have the knowledge you need, your fears, for the most part, are going to go away. Good luck mommy!
I will leave my, lost my son 6 months ago feelings out, just this one time. Because normally I'm not that nice :-)
I was terrified of the thought of having a boy when we first found out. As soon as he was born though my instincts kicked right in. You'll be able to handle a boy, but I do agree that you should probably find out to prepare yourself if you're this nervous. Just remember that it doesn't matter what is or isn't between the baby's legs, but that it's healthy.
Now if you were talking about not loving the baby because it's a boy then I would have some serious issues with you. :-)
I personally had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, but this doesn't mean that I am not allowed to have fears or concerns about my upcoming baby.
I totally get what the poster is saying, and that is the one of the reasons that we are finding out the sex. It absolutely doesn't mean that I don't want a boy, but I am more timid about having a boy because I am not intimately familiar with all their parts!
I don't want to build up in my head that it is a girl and form a bond with this "girl" that will leave me disappointed if it turns out the other way at delivery. We are finding out the sex so that I have lots of time to love and bond with my baby no matter the sex and read up a lot on things if it is a boy! lol
"Oh no. You really hurt my feelings.
Thank goodness. I was SO very worried about that.
My friend went through the same experience. She had a girl, then got pregnant again and waited to find out the sex of the baby. She was scared, but as soon as she saw that baby, she fell in love...
I'm sure it will be the same for you. You will be fine.
really? REALLY?!
Seriously. You know nothing of her history, so STFU. I was terrified of having a girl, so I know exactly how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with how much you will love your child, just that you are nervous about it. Personally I was scared I would totally screw up a girl.