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starlettedir
member
Who was at the hospital during your delivery?
starlettedir
member
This is going to start becoming a serious discussion with DH here soon. In passing convos we are both at opposite ends of the spectrum on this.
He is the ONLY person I'm going to let in the delivery room. We had a talk once about possibly my mom in there and he in turn got huffy because his mom wouldn't be in there. He shut up after I said if his mom gets to then mine goes to his next physical in which he has to drop his drawers. My mom is still a slight possibility but with my parents being in Dallas I just don't know how that would work. Possibly my sister but again, she lives in Dallas.
Going off that. His parents are very very very very nice people. I don't have any major complaints minus the obsessive amount of family time we have and the bordering of being overzealous grandparents.
I'd prefer not to call anyone till after our kiddo is born or have DH tell them I'm in labor but not to come until we say to. Part for the fact that minimum it would take my parents quite a while to get down here. His parents live here in Houston.
I'd just rather have that time to *us* and not have to share it with anyone. Again, I love his parents but I truly just envision the kiddo being snatched out of our hands the minute we let them come and visit. I know I'd rather DH and I be the ones that hold her and have that special family time at least for the few few hours we can enjoy her by ourselves. From stories I've heard I also don't think I'll be up to having all those people tromp through my room. I'm just a really private person.
I know DH will want his family to roll up there the second my water breaks or a scheduled C-section is set to start. He gets defensive any time you bring up *family time* with his family so I have to approach this in a certain way. I'm pretty positive that his family(mom and dad) automatically assume that they'll be up there from the start. I'll be very honest and say that I feel that it's not fair for his parents to be there and mine not...maybe it's juvenile but that's how I feel.
Would you approach it more with him about us spending time as our new family first?
Am I totally being selfish or off base in my thought process? What did you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Who was at the hospital during your delivery?
DH and my BFF were there for the delivery of both kids. BFF was there because we are super close and I was 100% comfortable with her being a part of it all. She was able to take a lot of good pictures of the birth and afterwards.
Everyone else got a call after the birth when we were comfortable having visitors. I repeatedly told people not to come to the waiting room. C was born at almost 11:00 pm so we didn't even call our family until the next morning.
Not at all, with DS1 we told everyone when my water broke. And everyone came up to the hospital, and I mean everyone. Aunts/Uncles, our grandparents, our parents, friends, it was horrible! Thats not really a time you want people coming in and out of your hospital room. You need to be focused on having a baby, and it just causes a huge distraction.
Another thing I would mention, if anything thing goes wrong, you want to be the first one holding and seeing your baby. DS1 was 6 weeks premature, I was only able to hold him for about a minute before they took him to NICU and was not allowed to hold him again for a couple of days. Seeing him was really rushed, which was fine because his health was my main concern, however I didn't like the fact that our family was getting pictures and watching him from the hallway while I was stuck in a bed. It honestly felt like a circus, needless to say, no one will be called this time until we are ready!
I would just try to explain to him that this is your time. You will never get those first moments back with your baby. This is your child, not his parents, they can wait to see the baby. You are not being selfish at all, you would have just given birth, you are going to be exhausted. You deserve a bit of downtime to get to know your child.
We didn't invite anyone to the hospital until ~24 hours after L was born. I had been there 5 days by that point but I was laboring naturally and didnt want the distraction of company - nor did I want anyone to sit there and watch me.
We had always taken the "time with just us" approach with the family. Having moms, dads, etc in the room was never an option.
I was a scheduled Induction, so his parents, sister, my parents and sister were there throughout the day. They came and went and came throughout the day. I ended up being a C Section in the evening, so only my DH was allowed for the actual birth. If I ended up delivering vaginal it was going to be DH and my mom and sister, no one else needs to see that area. If I was going into labor on my own and my water was to break on its own, it was going to be phone calls and if they made it in time fine, if not fine.
After I was rolled back into my room from my C Section to recover I was in and out of it. DD was passed around for a whole five minutes before they took her off to transition/nicu for the night. The next day everyone came back and she was passed around like a sack of potatoes, but once again I was still in and out of it that next morning so it really did not matter to me. Everyone left by lunch time that day which was a Monday and we had our family time until Saturday when family started coming back over to our house.
With Joshua I wanted everyone there. Everyone was there from the beginning. Then my FIL started getting bossy and I realized it was going to be a problem. J was born at 2am. After it was all said and done I didn't want to see anyone. DH tried to get everyone right away but I made him stop. We had a few minutes just us then we were bombarded.
When we had Gabriel I told them I did not want any visitors. At all. It was nice. After he was born I was able to nurse him and get comfortable without anyone bothering us and insisting on holding him. I let my parents come at at 9 that night. DH had gone home to Joshua and I was alone.
I will do the same thing with this one. I really don't like being there and I seem to hate having visitors even more.
So Tasty, So Yummy
Y'all make me feel better in my thoughts. SIL/BIL had everyone up there which is totally cool with me if that's what y'all both agree on. That's why I'm thinking everyone will just assume they'll be there as well.
I'll have to wait till this weekend to talk about it on a more serious note. It's football season and I have Capt Cranky living with me during the week. ;-) I thought I was supposed to be the moody one. LOL
with both, only dh was at the hospital during delivery.
with dd1 i called my sister when i was settled into the hospital after my water broke - mainly so she could get in touch with my mom, who was out of the country. we didn't call his family until she was born.
with dd2, i was induced and my family and close friends knew the date and time. again, we didn't call his family until she was born.
i don't think you are being unreasonable. there is a level of comfort you have with your parents that you don't with his parents. i understand. (i have nursed in front of my dad (w/o a cover), but wouldn't think about doing it in front of his!)
as i told a friend who was in a similar situation as you - YOU are the one in labor, and i think it should ultimately be YOUR call as to who you are comfortable with in the room.
With #1, my mom and DD's dad. He was instructed that his family was not allowed in the room while I was in labor. They came up after she was born. lol
With #2 and 3, my mom and DH were at the hospital with me before going into surgery, but everyone else came after I was in surgery and stayed in the waiting room until they took the baby to the nursery. I have tons of pictures from that time with both of them so while I always get a little stabby at thinking that everyone got to see them a lot more than I did, I at least go lots of pictures out of the deal. lol
Everyone else waited until later in the evening or the next day to come see us.
Had I had a vaginal delivery... it would have been the same. My mom/DH and no one else until after the baby was born. Yes, it may be his kid too, but it's my body the kid is coming out of and no one else needs to be present to see that. The nurses will abide by your wishes only, so if need be, let them know and they'll be the bad guys for you. (at least at MHNW they would. They even went so far as to make DD#1's dad leave the room for making an insensitive comment while I was in labor. He was told to take a break and was given a 'talking to' in the hallway before being allowed back in. (he made me cry. he's a peach, lemme tell you.))
j+k+m+e | running with needles
BFP with no treatment!
This is pretty much my situation but add my BFFs and my SIL. I loved having them there distracting me and DH was having to take a couple of work calls. They would come in and hang out while he was in the hall and even sat with me while he ate lunch. It was just us with DD for the first hour and then we invited family in to see her. They had 30 mins before she was taken to the nursery. Loved having my family there (and his) but glad the delivery and first hour was just us.
I had a scheduled c-section, so my mom, my husband, and his parents were all there before I went back to the OR (I saw all of them). His sister arrived soon after. The key is that both of our families are very respectful of our wishes and try their best not to be intrusive. They will do whatever we ask, and we wanted them up there for the birth. My in-laws all left soon after I got out of recovery, so it was me, my mom, and my husband the rest of the day.
If I hadn't gone the c-section route, I would allow my in-laws, my mom, and my husband in the hospital for the duration. My in-laws would know to take a hike whenever anything uncomfortable was happening! I imagine they would have spent the majority of time in the waiting area anyway. I don't care what my mom sees.
I totally understand not wanting your in-laws up there if your parents can't be there. My mom lives far away, and I have a lot of issues with my in-laws always being around my kiddo. It isn't their fault, but it still bothers me. And I'm not the most reasonable with pregnancy and post-partum hormones flowing!
Do what you have to do. It's all about you, your husband, and your baby.
DH and my parents were in the room with me. Originally, I was told that I could have two people (DH and Mom) but my labor progressed quickly and before I knew it I was pushing. My dad was still in the room when I started pushing and the doc didn't care (I didn't either) so he stayed. DH's family was in the waiting room. (I don't have any siblings) My parents left the room shortly after DS was born so it was just DH, T and I. I nursed him and we had some family time before we invited everyone back in. I didn't want to be "on display" when I was laboring but I didn't really care who was in there right after the baby was born. My in-laws aren't the pushy, "I have to hold the baby now" type so that made a huge difference in my comfort level after having the baby.
Be firm with what you want.....YOU are the one delivering the baby!
I was pretty dead set against everyone being in my room when we had our little one. I wanted those "first moments" captured though. I did not want my entire family "sitting" and waiting on us - me. When it came time, I waited to long to call my parents so they were not able to make it in time (they are 5+ hours out). My sisters where with them for the weekend. My ILs where already informed about my wishes of not having everyone in there.
I ended up calling my BFF and asked her to come and capture our moments. In fact just by a fluke we had discussed who we would want in our rooms with us when the time came. I never dreamed in a million years of having her there, but it was perfect. She was the perfect person to share those special moments with. She captured those moments I wanted and even was a cheerleader for me. She stayed at the head of my bed, and got "clean" pictures.
Our little guy had some issues breathing right off the bat, so we had our time. My sisters and mom all showed up about 15 minutes after he was born. My husband put his cop hat on and policed the door for a while (my mom did come in pretty quick). His parents and family did come up to the hospital when we called that morning and sat in the waiting room. They gave us our space and understood.
I would talk to his parents myself. I would just express that you are a private person and would prefer to have some time with just the two of you. Also talk to your nurses, they will help police the door as well. We cleared my room three times in the first 4 hours. Once when I went to nurse him, once when I had to get up out of bed, and then one other time so I could sleep. Remember people are going to get upset, but as everyone says you have to do what is best for YOUR family, not everyone else's agenda!
Since I was a scheduled c-section, my parents and my MIL were both at the hospital. FIL came up later that afternoon since we told everybody they wouldn't be able to really see us until 1 pm, anyway, and he didn't want to intrude. SIL came later that evening, then BIL and our nephew came the next day, as did my brother.
I was pretty cranky, though, that when DD went off to the NICU everybody got to see her before I did! I got a brief glimpse before they cleaned her up, then she was whisked away. Everybody went down to see her and I had to stay up in the room... I wasn't too happy about that. I really don't know if anybody got to hold her before me or not... I know DH refused to hold her until I got to, but I don't know about the grandparents.
Had we had a vaginal delivery, we wouldn't have called anyone until it was clear we were really staying at the hospital and nobody would have been allowed in during pushing or active labor unless I were totally pain free (I'd have felt self-conscious.) The plan was also to ban family from the recovery room so we'd at least have that hour or two to ourselves.
With DD I had a 3 day induction, so my dad and my BFF were there a lot those 3 days (they are my only in-town family). They were both there when I went in for my c/s, but left after seeing her in the nursery (it was late and they'd been there for hours) My mom saw her 2 weeks later and MIL the week after that. They bought plane tickets months early based on my due date.
With DS, I went into labor naturally... but at 41w 2days, so my mom was already here. The plan was for my mom to stay with DD, but labor was long and my BFF offered to babysit for a few hours, so my mom came up to the hospital. While she was on her way there, I made rapid progress after being stalled out for hours. So I decided to let her stay in the room and she saw DS born. She did stay well off to the side and didn't interfere with anything. The nurse did clear her being there with me.
The nurses will usually enforce any visiting rules you want.
Personally I wouldn't have a problem with people in the waiting room, but then I have a small family so that's easy to say.
I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling the way you do about your parents not being able to be there.
We had already discussed that I didn't want anyone other than DH in the room. We knew that unless I was scheduled, my parents would likely not be able to be there since they are 8 hours away. We never really got to the discussions about when we would call people since I delivered early so I'm not sure what we would have done.
Everyone knew what was going on because, well, we didnt know what was happening at first and we were missing a family birthday party. We called both parents after the baby was born in the middle of the night but obviously told them not to come then. It was almost a blessing that my BP was high and the nurses were restricting my visitors. DS was born at 2:15am and we did not allow DH's parents to come until 2pm because I was just not feeling up to it. My parents arrived at 4 and I am glad both sets were able to see him for the first time separately.
I would not trade having those first 12 hours to ourselves for anything.
Sarah was delivered with just DH and me present. We lived out of the country and our families (parents on both sides) came and visited us 2 weeks after her birth. It was wonderful having those first 2 weeks together as a family and I have no regrets about it.
Elizabeth was born here. It was just DH and me again. Our parents came an hour or so after her birth. We had no other visitors other than parents and they actually didn't stay very long! They were really good about giving us our privacy. My mom stayed one night with me at the hospital and my stepmother stayed the other night. DH stayed at home with Sarah.
With Avery, DH was on a rig move and couldn't come home, so I had my parents, my sister, my BFF and my ex-boyfriend's Mom (we are super close) with me while I was in labor (I was induced). Things got really touchy with my BP and Avery's heartrate, so my doc kicked everyone but my parents out (that was the plan anyway).
She was born, I held her first, then gave her to my Dad since it was his birthday too. Then my Mom held her. Then we let my sister, BFF and other BFF come in.
They whisked Avery away and put me in a room. EVERYONE left me and went to watch her in the nursery window. B*stards. I even ordered my own pizza for dinner. When they brought her back in the room, we had a birthday party for Avery and my Dad complete with a cookie cake, pizza (that I ordered) and a full house.
With Joseph, I had a scheduled c-section. My Mom came to the hospital with us. Obviously, Kerry was the only one in the O.R. with me. I had a pretty bad reaction to the drugs they gave me and spent a few hours after the surgery puking my guts out. My Mom hung out with us for a little while and then went home to take care of Avery. The ex-boyfriend's Mom came up (DH said she was the only other person who could come) and hung out for a bit.
The rest of the hospital stay was a visitor bonanza.
Pics by Fleurish Imagery
Before we knew we were having a c/s we were going to call family to let them know, but give instructions that nobody would be allowed into the room until after the baby was born, cleaned up and we were given a little bonding time. If they chose to drive to Houston and sit in a waiting room for 15+ hours, that was their choice and I wasn't going to take time to worry about entertaining anyone.
Once we did schedule the c/s I got to the point where I didn't care. My mom, bff and the ILs were there the whole time. My sister came after work. I thought it was sort of crazy for them to sit in the waiting room, but whatever. I didn't see anyone until after my time in recover (about 4 hours) and then it was my sister and bff first when they brought in Cooper.
Ideally I would have loved to have time with just him and DH before the room was overrun with family, but it didn't happen. Shortly after they brought him in I tried to nurse and we made every except my mom/sister leave. After that I just let it turn into a revolving door. I was overwhelmed, really drugged up, and tired. Plus, most of it was my family.
I will say that for the next one I'll request a little down time - especially to try to nurse - before we allow everyone and their mother in.
DH and I are both very close to our families. It would have been weird for us if they were not allowed at the hospital until later. DH and my sister were in the room with me. My sis is a NICU nurse and she was working that day but had made arrangements with her manager to be there when it came time to push. My parents were on the way in from the parking garage - they heard DD's first cry as soon as they got there. ILs came up later.I would have been fine with everyone in the room during labor, and everyone except DH and probably my mom would have been ushered out during the actual delivery. ILs probably would have offered to leave and wait in the waiting room. But DD came faster than we expected - as soon as I got the epidural things started happening pretty quickly.
We had our moment with just the 3 of us right away, but the "OMG, this is our brand-new family" thing didn't really hit us until the first night we had DD in the hospital room with us (she had to spend 24 hours or so in the NICU). I don't feel like we missed out on any "just us" time because we had other people at the delivery.
Of course you are the one in labor and you need to be comfortable, but keep in mind that it's a big day for your DH too. A good friend of mine came to the hospital while I was in labor. She arrived while I was getting the epidural so she waited outside with DH for a while. She told me (when we talked about it several months later) that he was a nervous wreck! I hadn't realized how stressful the whole situation had been for him.
I don't think it would work with them =( They are VERY family focused and I don't think they'd get why they WOULDN'T be called till after the birth.
For example DH told them last weekend not to make comments to me about my stomach and not to try and rub me. They were good THAT day but MIL cornered me this past weekend and said "You know as you get bigger you'll HAVE to let us touch your stomach". I told her no that not even my mom did. Touching my stomach is something I am only comfortable with DH doing. She wouldn't drop it so I walked away.
My famous line with my il's is If you touch my stomach I am going to punch you. If they try I slap their arm or push them away. My FIL is the only on who refuses to listen. I am thinking about getting a tazer for him.
I told DH that if his mom does try she will get her hand pushed away. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do it.
She's heard me talk about it. DH has told her. She's heard me tell BIL I'll punch him when he jokingly tries to do it. I then told her again(that whole incident above).
I think it's sweet she gets so excited but she lets it overtake common sense.
We called everyone when my water broke at 9am. My parents and DH's dad met us at the hospital. They got there around 11am-ish in while I was in labor (w/ epi, so I wasn't feeling anything) and we just chit chatted. Everyone was shooed out for checks.
Delivery - just me and DH. My mom came in after she heard DS cry so she could watch them clean him up, but it was on the far side of the room, so she coudln't see anything of me.
DH's "crew" (aunts, grandma, etc) were there after work (I had him at 3:30pm). So, that kind of gave us a little time, although I guess that was during the 4 hour observation, so DH and i were just resting and getting our stuff ready to move to the recovery room.
I was really happy to show him off at the time, so I was glad to have everyone there - but I was in lala land at that time, too. lol. The wrath came when I got home from the hospital and there was no one to be distracted with, and I realized that I had to take care of a human life! lol.
Even before the c-sections took place, I only wanted my husband.
This avoided several things:
1) open the door an inch, and everyone wants in : so I told my family to wait at home and I'd call them when it was time to meet Lucas : no one was hurt because the rule was the same for everyone = husband only
2) the unavoidable irritating person : I love them all, but they all have their things : add big pain, anxiety, and a cramped room and there will be a problem : best to avoid altogether = husband only
As it turned out, an OR only has room for one other person.
i think you should feel totally comfortable with what you want. it's your labor/delivery and little one arriving and i'm sure you're family will support you in the long run.
i know i'm in the minority on this, we had our whole family with us for both deliveries and there were actually 4 people in the room other than me and doc. dh, my mom, my sister and my best friend. the way my dh and i thought about having everyone there was different than most. we loved knowing that our little one would be surrounded by family. nobody stayed too long and while each kid was held for moments by each, it never seemed like an interruption in our bonding time. just lots and lots of love.
good luck with your families.
I did not make my wishes of who was allowed in the room clear enough apparently and still have some regrets about how everything panned out. My parents and sisters wanted to be there during labor, but I didn't count on them staying the entire time in.the.room, trying to control the tv, not leaving room for DH to sit, etc. It was largely my dad who did all of the above. He seriously was lounging around like he was on the couch at home and it pissed me off. I had no idea they'd all come to the hospital since it's an hour drive and my water broke at 10pm on a weeknight. Make your wishes VERY clear to avoid a problem. They assumed they were welcome and I wanted them there. I wanted them in the waiting area if anything, not in my room straight through the night. I ended up telling my Mom when C was a few days old how I felt and how I was hurt that my wishes weren't respected when I asked them to leave the room a few times. She also called my grandmother who came up and who I had specifically asked her not to call until after C was born.
Since I ended up with a C-section, it was just DH with me in the OR for the birth. During labor, mom, dad, 2 sisters and grandmother were in the room almost constantly. It was too much and upset me to the point where I eventually blew up and pissed them all off. I feel like their inablity to respect my wishes ruined the experience for DH and I a little. They were excited and assumed we didn't mind them there as it's what everyone in their families has always done. Next time around we'll likely have a scheduled c-section and be able to avoid the problem.
You are NOT being selfish - your labor and birth is going to be a time of hard work.. it will require your concentration and his attention.
I always tell moms that I work with to carefully consider who will be in the room with them.. labor and birth is NOT a spectator sport. People NOT to have there:
That said, for my last I had my dh, my doula, my MIL (taping), my mom (caregiver for the kids), and my two eldest all in attendance.
You are NOT being selfish - your labor and birth is going to be a time of hard work.. it will require your concentration and his attention.
I always tell moms that I work with to carefully consider who will be in the room with them.. labor and birth is NOT a spectator sport. People NOT to have there:
That said, for my last I had my dh, my doula, my MIL (taping), my mom (caregiver for the kids), and my two eldest all in attendance.
You are NOT being selfish - your labor and birth is going to be a time of hard work.. it will require your concentration and his attention.
I always tell moms that I work with to carefully consider who will be in the room with them.. labor and birth is NOT a spectator sport. People NOT to have there:
That said, for my last I had my dh, my doula, my MIL (taping), my mom (caregiver for the kids), and my two eldest all in attendance.
You are NOT being selfish - your labor and birth is going to be a time of hard work.. it will require your concentration and his attention.
I always tell moms that I work with to carefully consider who will be in the room with them.. labor and birth is NOT a spectator sport. People NOT to have there:
That said, for my last I had my dh, my doula, my MIL (taping), my mom (caregiver for the kids), and my two eldest all in attendance.
As far as personal time afterward - I AGREE, this is your family time to bond immediately afterward. If you have a C, you might not be awake afterward... lots of women conk out after surgery because of the stress (on body) and medications just make them so darned tired, so it might not be an issue - but even then, this time should be between you, dh, and the baby - you are a family unit now.. Just MHO.
LOL! So true! Hospital stay= happy time for me. Going home= a whole different story! Thank you pp emotions! Wow...... I still laugh thinking about the dumb stuff I cried about when we came home. (most of it had absolutely nothing to do with the baby too.....)
We've done it both ways.
With Reagan my mom and MIL were at the hospital while I labored and then my uncle and aunt came up before I gave birth. When it was time everyone but DH had to leave the room and then they were let it very shortly after I had Reagan.
With Abby it was just DH and I at the hospital. We waited until after Abby was born to call and it was about 3-4 hours after I had her that my mom, aunt & uncle brought Reagan to the hospital.
I much preferred it with just DH and I and plan to do it that way again for future kiddos. I really enjoyed having that time after Abby was born to just enjoy her and not to entertain others as I felt we had to after Reagan.
Crazy Christmas Kids!
It was me, DH, my OB, and a bunch of nurses because I delivered on a Sunday morning and I think they were all bored
Our parents came in to say hello for a second, but I was too uncomfortable to chat and they left as quickly as they came. They all knew right when we headed to the hospital because I had to call my parents to pick up our dogs at 6am. Out in the waiting room there were quite a few people: both of our parents, my sister, one of my BFFs, DH's brother, aunt, grandmother, and a family friend. We had alone time with Aiden (about 45 mins) and right before DH walked him up to the nursery everyone came in so we could announce his name.
Once he went up to the nursery, everyone went up to watch him get cleaned up except for my BFF who stayed to keep me company. My dad tried but couldn't help himself after 20 minutes or so and had to go join the observation crew. The grandparent's weren't too pushy with wanting to hold him once we were all reunited in my post-partum room. It was pretty exhausting having everyone hang around, though. My IL's were actually great and never over-stayed. My parents, on the other hand, hovered quite a bit (especially my mom; he is their first grandchild) and it actually ballooned into a bigger rift over A's first few months. Mainly because DH asked for some family time during the first week or two while he was off- just the three of us- and she'd overstep the bounds quite often. It's all fine now but for a while I didn't want to be around her at all because she made me so mad.
I think you should go with what makes you comfortable and just make it clear to everyone. And like a pp said, tell the nurse your wishes and let her be the bad guy if need be. She won't mind
My mom was with us all day through my labor, but she left - at our request - when it was time to push. She came back into the room like 5 minutes after my daughter was born and even though I love my mom, I actually regret having called her back into the room so soon, instead of having more time the three of us, to just cuddle and be happy.
So, definitely approach it from the "new family" angle fist.