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Parenting after a Loss
Many confessions: I'm considering things I didn't think that I would :(
Okay this is going to be long but bear with me if you can...
I'm seriously feeling stressed right now and I think it's causing me to maybe try a few things that I didn't think I would but in the end I think I might HAVE to. Soo... took DD to her 4 month appt today and on the way I stopped at school. I go back to teaching in a week. I haven't been able to prepare my classroom AT ALL and for me and the fact that I'm pretty ocd about that stuff has been tough. I wasn't there at the end of the year to get things ready like I usually do and I haven't been able to go in over the summer because the air has been turned off and it's been over 90 degrees in my room. Too hot for DD to go with me. Well I walked in today and there are boxes, boxes everywhere of new reading materials to unpack, the custodians rearranged my room wrong after waxing the floors, and there is just stuff everywhere and everyone else's room looks great. Not to mention that I looked at my class list and it's a doozy. The secretary that handed it to me goes, "Looks like you've got a tough class this year." Oh my...and in talking to a few of the teachers I think I will. Not that I can't handle it and I don't want to pre judge my kiddos but when you've got handfuls coming to you, you just do, end of story. So I've just GOT to get on the ball with school stuff. My principal peeked into my room today and said, (jokingly, I think) "Guess we'll be seeing a lot of you this coming week huh?" As in, I need to get my butt in gear. Yikes.
In other news, we are still putting the house up for sale in under three weeks. Yesterday (the day after getting home from a week long vacation) I repainted our kitchen, DH repainted our shed and cut down some trees/bushes, and I cleaned out two closets. And there is sooo much that still has to be done but it's going to be reallllly hard with everything else going on. That leads me to DH's dad. (The one I've posted about before that has pancreatic/liver cancer.) He has just 2 or 3 weeks left to live his dr's are saying. It's so scary and so sad. His passing away is going to be horrible and it's going to hit everyone very hard, including DH of course and I just don't know how it'll all work out.
On top of all of this, DD is just NOT sleeping well still. Last night she was up FIVE times. As I was telling the pedi all of this today she recommended Ferbering her. And honestly I think we might try it. I KNOW she can sttn as she has done it soooo many times before and like the pedi said, at this point I am just "rewarding" her by feeding her a lot in the middle of the night or picking her up and rocking her. It's a fact that she can't get herself back to sleep and it just has to change. I'm going on five hours of sleep today because she was up and because I can't turn my brain off when I do get back to bed. And that was with me getting up at 7:00. Next week I have to start getting up at 5:15. Yikes. So I *think* we might start the Ferber process tonight. Pedi suggested it and I know that we just can't continue like we are right now. I feel like things are just getting worse and with going back to work it's only going to get worse for me. That's confession number 1 about sleep training.
Number 2: I think I might be ready to stop BFing. At least during the day. Maybe I'll try to still do mornings and nights. But the thought of pumping at school three times during the day when I'm already so behind, combined with me being the only feeder up in the middle of the night, plus the fact that when I pump in place of a feeding now I don't get enough, I think I might start using my freezer stash and do half formula, half breastmilk and go on from there. I really wanted to make it to 6 months but I think 4.5 might be it....I don't know. I've been thinking about this for a few days and I don't want to be selfish but I feel like I have to take care of my job, etc. I already bring work home from school (plans, grading, etc.) so if I'm losing over an hour of prep time a day due to pumping I just don't know....
Okay. That's it. I'm soooooo SORRY this was soooo long but I had to get a lot of that out. Hope you don't flame away. It's just a crazy/sad/emotional/exhausting time right now....Sad face. 
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Re: Many confessions: I'm considering things I didn't think that I would :(
Good grief! no flames here! It sounds like you do need to cut a few things out, and if it's BFing, well, you do have somewhat of a stash, and she really will be ok with formula. Who knows, formula might be a trick to help her sleep more at night too.
Good luck with your classroom, your house, BF/FF, Sleep training, and helping Adam and the rest of the family through this tough time.
Oh, and big HUGS!
Parenting has an odd way of making us eat our own words. I think that if you are comfortable with your decisions and you feel they are best for your family, then that you are fine.
We didn't technically ferberize (sp?) DD, but at four months we started letting her cry herself to sleep. I was like a cranky, sleepless, zombie before and as soon as she started sleeping better things not only got better for me....but she was a much happier baby being well rested. I also had to stop breastfeeding when I got pregnant due to the morning sickness. I had been determined to bf for a year or more. It was a hard decision, but I don't regret it now. I hadn't planned on CIO or weaning so early, but both happened and DD is just fine. In fact, I think she is perfect
First of all I am so sorry about your FIL. I really hope he is not in pain. I will keep you and your family in my t&P. Second....my best friend is a teacher, so I can sort of understand all the stressfull things that go along with it. She had an "interesting" class of kids last year and it was not fun, but she made it through. I hope your class suprises you and is great!
Don't think of yourself being selfish for stopping BFing at 4.5 months. You did a lot better than I did (I only made it 2 weeks). We are all so hard on ourselves about everything....give yourself a break. As for the sleeping....my Pedi said that you have to do whatever works for you. We are in survival mode right now so do what you need to to get her to sleep. Again, please don't feel bad. I think every mom has had to resort to different tactics than they ever thought they would.
Wow...you are overloaded right now. As a teacher I totally understand your OCD and anxiety. Honestly...pumping at school would never work for me. My prep is over in a blink of an eye and lunch...well when else are you supposed to eat?? If I was going back I think that I would unfort. be stopping too. Don't beat yourself up- 4 1/2 months is great and so much more than most.
I think that you have every right to be worried about all the things you stated. Just remember that you don't have control of everything. So think about which of the things you can control (like school, ferberizing etc) and do what you need to exercise control on these thingswhile you let the other worries (DH dad, your house) take nature's course and givey our full attention to since you are not in control of these few things.
HTH!
You have a lot on your plate right now! During times like these you've gotta do what you gotta do - don't feel bad about it. Not getting enough sleep can take such a toll on you mentally and physically- then add onto that a sick/dying family member, tons of work, and selling your house. If you need to cut out BF then I wouldn't feel bad about it. Also, is there anyway you guys could postpone selling your house? You could still work on getting it ready but maybe having some flexibility on when you put it on the market would help you guys out so everything isn't happening all at once.