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Stay at Home Moms
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Not meant to be snarky, but an honest question
kcisthebombdotcom
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I saw a few posts below of people saying they SAH even though it's tight financially because daycare is expensive.
If you're not completely financially comfortable SAH, why do it? There are SO many jobs that you could work opposite to your SO/DH's schedule. I worked as a HR Director in a large luxury hotel in a past life and we were always hiring for staff for nights, weekends only, etc. PT employees are such an asset to them and tough to find, especially those who will work those off hours. There's always the overnight option as well-it makes much more sense fiinancially to work and get someone to come in the house a few hours so you can nap. So many businesses like retail, coffee shops, restaurants, etc. hire in a similar fashion.
There are so many options-why SAH 100% of the time when it doesn't make financial sense?
ETA: "Financially comfortable" meaning you have enough to pay your bills for at least 4 months if DH should lose his job, you save a few hundred dollars a month, and you could afford to take your kids to do some fun activity-the zoo, for example. I don't mean living lavishly like taking expensive vacations or dinners out all the time.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Not meant to be snarky, but an honest question
This would be my answer if this was applying to me. My DH leaves for the morning at 6:45 AM and doesnt get home till 7:30PM most nights (sometimes later, sometimes a little earlier) 2 days of the week he is out of state running an office in DC we live in NYC. I have two LOs who do not nap on same schedule, I dont see when I would be able to find time to catch some Z's for myself, or have time to see my husband. In my case I could maybe find a weekend job but not a weeknight job.
i think being "tight financially" is OK -
i have a harder time understanding people who go into debt (for example, the poster last week who was living off loans). that is crazy.
You are right there are a lot of PT options out there that are way more flexible then a 9-5 M-F job. I worked retail for 8 months in order to pay off some medical bills and just did nights and weekends. It was hard on DH because he was in charge of DD after having worked all day and it really cut into out family time. However, it was necessary and I really enjoyed it (for the first 6 months!). It was not a long term option mainly due to the fact that DH and I never saw each other.
I think it is one thing for money to be tight and another thing to be in debt. I grew up with a SAHM and a dad who worked and money was tight - we didn't go on expensive family vacations, we didn't buy brand new TVs or cars, etc. but we never went without the necessities and were extremely happy. I also know that outside of the "normal" kinds of debt (car payments, mortgage) my parents were debt free and definitely did not live on credit cards.
Like pp said money isn't everything and sometimes people choose to live on a tight budget in order to maintain the family lifestyle that they want. I SAH because we decided that we were willing to give up certain luxuries and make changes to our lifestyle in order to stay at home and raise our children. I wouldn't care if daycare was free I still want to be the one with my kids and I know that I am blessed to be able to.
Living on CC in order to SAHM is a whole other story...
m/c at 13 weeks - March 23, 2011
This X 1000. I'm not sure that I would classify as extremely tight but I'm sure that it's much, much tighter than many who choose to stay at home. I maybe could understand your position if you were only making ends meet by taking out of savings on a monthly basis or had absolutely no savings cushion, but other than that I'm struggling to see where you are coming from. Personally (and this is just a statement about our life and not everyone else) I value my marriage and family too much to add a little bit of money by working opposite of when my husband works.
DH and I aren't in the above situation but if we were I guess material things aren't the most important things in life your family should be. Family is what matters most when it really comes down to things. If someone were to work opposite schedules as their husbands when would they have time for alone time, time to talk about their day, time to maintain a good marriage? & really an overnight job is just not a good idea. Most people need time to actually sleep not just nap if they've been up taking care of kids during the day and working at night.
I can see cutting back on things such as eating out or shopping & having to really budget & stick to that budget, save for big purchases to be able to be around when/for your children are growing up. There is nothing wrong with that.
This isn't meant to be a flame just my honest opinion on the topic.
Who cares?
Noel - August 2010
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It's a quality of life issue for some. We aren't in that situation at all, but I have friends that DO live "tight" financially and they do just fine. I mean, it's not as if the wife is going to SAH forever. When the kids start school, they will get a job and bring in some income.
Also, have you ever met a couple that worked opposite shifts? They don't really see each other very often and it's VERY hard on a marriage. I don't think a lot of people's marriage would be able to handle it.
I don't take issue with people that live "tight" financially. I wouldn't do it and don't have to at the moment. I do take issue with people that go into debt or really "can't" afford to have the wife SAH.
Ditto this. I really don't see the harm in someone living "tight." We live relatively tight but we own a home, a nice, reliable car (and we're buying another shortly), have savings, retirement, etc. Do we have money to spend whenever we want? Not usually, no. But we get by and our family is healthy and happy.
I do have friends that have massive amounts of debt to SAH which wouldn't fly with me but it's not my life.
Noel - August 2010
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Ditto this
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
Very well said!
Completely this. We can pay all our bills, buy all the groceries and gas we need, and still have a little left over for fun. We don't have much savings at the time being but that is just something we have to live with.
DH can work anywhere from 5:30am-10:30pm any day of the week and there is no consistency or rhyme or reason to it. Show me a job that lets me pick and chose the hours I want to work the day before hand (because lots of times that is when DH is finding out his schedule) and I would happily look into it.
Calling people "irresponsible" as a pp stated because they don't have lots of money to go do whatever the hell they want is completely out of line.
I can't stand the thought of my child being with someone else the majority of his awake time, even if it was just 2-3 days a week. We will give up everything we have to avoid this as we believe that he would value his time with me more than things we can give him.
However, I don't think it's the right decision for everyone and so I don't judge nor do I often talk about it with others. Everyone's needs are different!
Exactly.
It's not a snarky ?, so here's my honest answer:It's hard to find couples right now, both working or one working, where it isn't "tight". In my opinion, if it isn't "tight", you aren't saving enough. We are used to living on one income. Once I start working full time, we plan on continuing to live on one income while socking my income away (without having to pay for childcare that will be a lot more than it would right now) to make up for the 10 yrs or so I plan to stay home.
It's pretty simple, I chose to spend more time with my kids over more money. I know it's been said, but for me, I can work in the future, I can't spend time with my baby in the future. You can't get these years back.
I'm confused. Are you saying it's irresponsible and setting a poor example to SAH if things are "tight" financially or if they're in debt and still SAH?
Sorry guess I should explain myself better. I don't think there is anything wrong with living on a budget and living tight. I know quite a few people who do it and do it well.
To me it is irresponsible to live beoynd your means and be in major debt, not being able to pay bills or afford basic needs (glasses for your kids or medical copays). I know two people that SAH but have debated taking a sick kid to the DR because of the copay. They can't pay the bills that come in every month and are constantly robbing peter to pay paul. This IMO is irresponsible and sends a bad example to your children.
Wait you let a house go? Meaning forclosure and you think it is more important to SAH?
Okay. Then I can understand that.
Although, it's not always living beyond your means that teaches children financial irresponsibility. My sister once said "I can't be out of money, I still have checks!" and my parents were always financially stable.
I agree with you totally, but I do think setting a good example is the first step.
Okay- the irresponsible comment got to me, until you explained yourself.
I completely agree with PP- money is not everything. And I'll go as far to say that families that make money a priority are being irresponsible and teaching their children poor values. I would say you are making money a priority when: you spend more than you make, there is practically no family structure because parents are working long, crazy hours to support a lifestyle, etc. Flame away if you want. Most women SAH because they want to raise their children, not because their DH makes an abundance of money.
DH is an EMT and brings around $2200/month. This is not what his salary will be in three years, or more... he's starting out in his career, on the bottom rung. Him and DS are insured, we own 2 vehicles free and clear, and are slowly building up our savings. We would like to buy a house in the next few years, after I finish school. I SAH because I only made a few hundred more working, and it wasn't worth it to us. I'm using this opportunity to go back to school, to finish my degree.
Could that $300 help us out? Yes, but in the long run, we feel this is better for our child. We can afford all our bills, and don't ask for anything from anyone. Also, I should point out, we live in a very low COL area. I would say median income is averages between 24,000-36,000 a year. Our rent is $675, but we do the yard work, so it's $475 after that. Electric, water, and cable/internet don't exceed $350... ever. Usually they're around $250-300. Our insurance on our cars is around $100/per car/per year. DF also makes extra money here and there fixing guitars.
This I can agree with. Even when DH was making way less than he is now, our bills were paid, our family was fed, and we weren't racking up any debt.
I know a LOT of people (1 AND 2 income families) who don't even do that. But it's their life, not mine.
I agree with a lot of pp. I will say I don't think money is everything and I have seen a lot of relationships fail and horrible custody situations evolve because the parents were working opposite shifts or one parent was working two jobs. My BIL's family is set financially but they NEVER EVER have family dinner, rarely spend more than a few hours together at a time on the weekend before we has to "run to the office" (this ends up being 4 - 5 hours at a time), and they miss out on things - like they don't do individual birthday dinner/party for the family to celebrate our little nieces/nephews birthdays because everything has to be fast & efficient in the few hours they squeeze out a month. The kids are only going to be young once and he is missing it all to make sure they can "do" and "have" whatever...
However, obviously if you need to or choose to stay home, you need to adjust your lifestyle - we don't use credit cards and I flinch at how many people we know have up to 10 cards that they carry balances on to live the same lifestyle whether it is feast or famine. However, I thought I would point out that it isn't always easy to get one of those "many" night (or weekend) jobs. First, as pp stated, depending on SO's schedule, it doesn't always provide the spouse a solid and consistent availability to offer potential employers. Second, as pp stated, if you take care of your kids all day long every day, it isn't possible for everyone to just nap a few hours when they get home and be good to go - this can actually be detrimental to your health and long-term well being (which can cause more financial issues in the long run) not to mention stress and quality of living/time with kids. Babysitters in our area get $10/hour for 1 young kid - if you are working a minimum wage night job, and pay someone to come the morning after while you sleep - how much would you make? Third, it depends were you live what opportunities there are - not only have we personally encountered this problem now that DH is out of work,but in the last 4 years we have had 2 dozen friends or parent's friends or neighbors that were looking for this type of job --- do you know how many of us were able to find something? 1. And he only found something after about 3 dozen applications and finally lying and saying he had never had a professional white-collar job or college education. DH & I have been told "you are over educated for this position", "we are looking for someone with less work experience". There are so many people looking for work and so many less educated people that there are way more applicants than positions - and they often go with the less educated/less experience people because they feel those of us with education and experience will 1.get bored 2. just use it to find something better 3.if we have families, be less flexible/reliable (due to child illness) 4. decide we need/want more money. So, don't assume people haven't tried to find something that works with whatever availability they have just because they aren't working. And, honestly, if the kids are fed and taken care of and we as tax payers aren't footing the bill, does it matter if they are getting themselves into debt? To each their own - if being a mom has taught me one thing, it is that you can't really know what is best for someone else.
DH and I always planned for this. Things are tight but I think some of it is self-inflicted. We continue to save 10% of our income each month for savings/retirement. That extra 10% would be great in the budget but it would just be for stuff- eating out more, more clothes, etc. We don't really need more stuff. However we don't sacrifice getting treatment if we need something for health reasons.
I too agree that if people are fiscally irresponsible then they need to (one income or two) re-evaluate their spending and change their ways.
If I needed to work part-time I would, but I don't (atleast for now). If our situation changes then I would take something on.
Eleanor 9.30.13
Late to the game, but this!
Maybe I should have elaborated a little better as to what I mean in my OP. Having to budget and live within a specific budget is fine-I do that myself. I think SAH is a fine option if you have a decent emergency fund that could pay at minimal 3-4 months of your bills in the event your DH can't work/loses his job, you can throw a few hundred dollars into savings a month, and take your kids to the zoo (or some comparable activity) without breaking the bank. I'm not saying you have to be saving thousands of dollars a month or living lavishly.
In terms of working opposite shifts and not seeing your spouse having a toll on your marriage, it doesn't in a part time situation. I work 12 hours a week while my DH is home with DS. On one of my DH's day off and his 2 night shifts, I go from work from 8am-12pm. We still have the rest of the afternoon/evening to spend together, every night when he gets home from work, and one full day a week together. The $1300 extra my income brings home a month makes both my son''s life and our marriage much, much better. Even though we don't need it, it helps immensely. I can't imagine how people who really need that extra income don't do it.
If you have to work FT while the kids are in school opposite shifts to make sure your family has financial stability, those are the sacrifices you make to have kids. If you have little or no money in the bank and if your spouse loses your job you'd be homeless within a few months, that's not exactly a good way to be raising children and part of being a parent is making sacrifices.
Well, I've got a few weeks before I'm a mom, but I've been at home since March.
We have debt, we haven't created MORE debt for me to stay home, but we have debt left over from some stupid choices we made years ago. It's being taken care of and we pay more than the minimums on those and have negotiated low rates so that we will be debt free other than our mortgage within 5 years.
We have no savings. It's scary, I'll admit that. I'm scared that something will happen and we won't be able to afford to take care of it, but we happen to be extemely lucky. We have family who, if absolutely needed, will give us a 0% interest loan to bail us out of emergencies. Luckily, we also haven't needed to use that safety net.
To us, having a parent home all the time is more important than anything else. If we have to leave our house (We would try to sell, but if it became impossible to keep, we'd give it back to the bank) we would leave our house and live somewhere within our means. While I would hate to set a bad financial example for my children, I would hate more to miss their lives because I had to work.
A kid won't know anything about your "financial example" until you tell them. For us, since we have a plan to be out of debt WELL before our child will know or care about our finances we are not concerned about it. When they are adults and they are starting out their lives and they ask me, "MOM, how on EARTH did you do it?" I will tell them that I made mistakes that I had to clean up for years and try to guide them to make the best decisions they can to avoid making the same mistakes I made. But I will never ever have to answer the question, "Mom, why can't I go to camp, or dance, or football" I will never let money or time limit what I can give to my kids. They may eat store brand cereal, and they may not wear designer jeans but the things that are important they will have. And that includes their mother, WHENEVER they need me.
These ladies said it quite well. And with that being said, who cares what others do to make it possible for them to stay home? Whether it's living paycheck to paycheck or wiping down your counters with hundred dollar bills, everyone's situation and reasoning is different.
Now, if you were to drive yourself into debt and spend like money grew on trees ONLY to turn around and publicly b*tch that SAH is "so financially hard", *then* I'd take issue with that.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
My DH works the same kind of hours, and I found a job that lets me make my own schedule. Many that freelance also have that flexibility. Jobs like that are out there, even if they are few and far between. Also, many banquet facilities, hotels, and restaurants hire staff on call. They even have temp agencies dedicated to this. That means if they have a call-off, they call you up and ask if you can work that night. If that shift would work with your husbands schedule you could take it, otherwise you could turn it down.
We have made plenty of sacrifices for me to stay home but we have worked our way up and are living quite comfortably now. I think we appreciate what we have more then anyone else because we have worked so hard to be where we are now. We are debt free, own two cars free and clear, the kids have everything they need and really could ever want, we don't have any credit cards and we have a substantial savings we've been building to buy our dream home. Money can get tight some months when we have unexpected expenses (like my van needing to be fixed) but that's only because we prefer not to dip into our savings.
I don't see our financial struggle in the beginning as irresponsible. How could we have foreseen my husband losing his job when our oldest was a few months old? I think that more then anything, my children have learned a very valuable lesson...you have to work hard for what you want, not everything is handed to you and money isn't everything.
I have seen two posters talk about loosing or walking their home and others say myob it does not effect you. Don't you see it does! When houses go into foreclosure that effects my selling price and the value of our homes.
Living on a budget is fine, but walking or loosing your house because you are not willing to work is irrepsonsible and does hurt others.
Seriously, I am shocked and appalled by what I've read on here. I really feel for people who have lost their house due to unforeseeable circumstances, but to own a house, have no savings and say "I dont want to work because I dont feel like it" is just ridiculous! What a selfish thing to do-don't people realize that's WORSE for their child than not being home because you're working to support them?
I know it's not nice to judge other's choices, but wow. I really have to bite my tongue at some people on here. Some of what I've read on this board in the past two days is unbelievable.