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I Feel Weird About IVF Lately

patchen30patchen30 member
in Infertility

Almost like I...don't care anymore??  I KNOW it's not that I don't care - I still want to be a mother more than anything else in the world - I just think that I've been hurt so much for so long that I have some sort of mental block and it's like I've reached my capacity for disappointment.  I have sort of a "fvck it all" kind of attitude these days.  I just feel so incredibly jaded and numb.  Maybe I'm actually starting to heal from my IVF#2 BFN and that's what this is about.

Anyone else ever feel like this? 

TTC in 2008. Stage II/III endo, Hashimotos hypothyroid, low morph (3%).
2 cycles Clomid/Ovidrel/TI/Crinone=BFN.
IUI #1 - 4 Follistim/Ovidrel/IUI/Crinone = BFN.
IVF #1 - Antagonist w/ ICSI 4/10. 17 retrieved, 5DT of 2, BFN :(
IVF #2 - Long Lupron w/ ICSI 6/10. 15 retrieved, 3DT of 2, BFFN!!
Lap 7/21/10
IVF #3 - Clomid/Antagonist w/ ICSI 10/10. 14 retreived, 3DT of 3, BFP 10/20 but m/c. No HB 11/15/10 - D&C 11/17/10.
FET - 2 blasts, 1 survived the thaw. Transfer 2/19. Beta #1 3/1 375, Beta #2 3/3 885, Beta #3 3/8 4261, Beta #4 3/11 9005. U/S 3/8 1 sac 1 yolk, U/S 3/16 1 heartbeat 114bpm!

 

James born Oct. 24th 2011 via c-section at 38 weeks!

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Surprise BFP - Jack born April 28, 2013 via VBAC after PTL at 33 1/2 weeks!

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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Re: I Feel Weird About IVF Lately

  • njohnson1972njohnson1972 member

    My feelings are a little different.  I really thought after my 2nd BFN, I would be moving on to DE.  We aren't (we are going to try one more time with my OE) and sometimes I think I am crazy for not just going with DE and increasing my odds of success dramatically.  Especially when I see other ladies on here getting ready to do DE and knowing they are so likely to get their BFP (nothing is guaranteed).  And I don't want to go through the heartbreak of another failure with my OE.

    Ugghh!  There is no simple answer.

    But one thing is for sure, IF sucks.

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  • hopefulmommyhopefulmommy
    I'm so sorry patchen! I think your just experiencing the normal stages of grief. I think we've all been there before. ((Big hugs))
    Natural BFP on 3/08
    C/P- at 6 weeks
    5 IUI's= BFN
    Dx: Endo stage 1 : evevated FSH (11.3)
    IVF#1: 3dt 2 8 cell, grade 1 embyos :bfn


    *(P)SAIFW*

    ~A lotus springs from mud~ Chinese proverb
    image
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  • Faith722Faith722 member
    I think that's completely normal. It's like a defense mechanism. If I tell myself I don't care (even though I do), then it shouldn't hurt as bad if I fail.  I wish I knew a better way to handle things, but I do this, too.
    IVF #3 = Feb 2012
    beta#1 3/21 (14dp3dt)=413, beta#2 3/23 (16dp3dt)=785, u/s 4/11
    EDD 11/25/12
    **SAIFW** Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • onedaychristinakonedaychristinak

    imageFaith722:
    I think that's completely normal. It's like a defense mechanism. If I tell myself I don't care (even though I do), then it shouldn't hurt as bad if I fail.  I wish I knew a better way to handle things, but I do this, too.

    THIS to a T!  Sorry you are feeling so down.

    After DX- IF 1996-16 years old; IVF 1 5/2009 BFP! ;MC- 8 W6d- 6/2009
    DX w/ Protein S Deficiency and unexplained thin lining
    Multiple D&C's, Hysterscopy for removal of Scar Tissue, Endometrial Biopsy, 3 BFN FETs, including a year of cancelled due to lining issues (ranging 4.5 to 6.4),
    Procedure of arcuate uterus, Shocking lining development...9.2.
    Moved on to adoption 3/2011
    Homestudy approved! 6/27/2011
    Forever matched! 7/17/2012
    Precious baby boy born 7/30/2012
    SAIF & PAIF Always Welcome
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  • SNB2BSNB2B
    I think that is totally normal. I'm sorry you are feeling that way but I know it's just your minds way of guarding yourself from something you are afraid to deal with. I'm thinking about you and sending you PPV!
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  • Jill070707Jill070707
    imageonedaychristinak:

    imageFaith722:
    I think that's completely normal. It's like a defense mechanism. If I tell myself I don't care (even though I do), then it shouldn't hurt as bad if I fail.  I wish I knew a better way to handle things, but I do this, too.

    THIS to a T!  Sorry you are feeling so down.

    I also totally agree.  I'm so "meh" about my FET, and I would bet my brain is trying to protect me from the fallout that was my last BFN. 

    I'd tell you that I hope you feel more hopeful soon, but honestly, I don't want that for myself so I don't want to wish it to you (unless you want it!).  Whatever gets you through the night, you know?

    image
    It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
    My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
    Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
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