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January 2011 Moms
MIL drama-What do I do? (Long)
My MIL has been causing a lot of problems lately and it is driving me to the brink of insanity. She offered to throw us a baby shower and so did my sister. I asked them if it would be okay if they worked together so that we can only have one combined shower for both families (neither side is very large). They both agreed and were excited about it until my MIL received an email in which she felt my sister was trying to do all the planning without her. Instead of expressing frustration she went off on my sis and then forwarded all the emails to my husband and said, "obviously K's sister is trying to steal this away from me." My sister was only coming up with ideas. She became even more angry when my husband in so many words told her that my sister sounded genuine and wasn't trying to step on any toes and is just excited about the upcoming niece/nephew. He told her that if the plan was to work with my sister than to focus on the importance of the event and compromise. She then told him he was unappreciative and ungrateful which makes me feel terrible for my husband because he is nothing but wonderful. She also said that obviously the road of love is only one way between her and him.
I then wrote her an email saying that I felt bad her feelings were hurt and my sister felt terrible too and that the best solution for all would be two separate showers for each family so that my sis can do what she wants and my MIL can do what she wants and no feelings will be hurt unnecessarily.
Her response is that she will not throw us a shower and that after the baby is born she will just invite her family to come meet the baby and have the shower then. I understand that people do this, but my husband is very upset that his family is being left out of what is supposed to be a fun, joyous event.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, but my sis means the world to me and her involvement was very important. My MIL felt it was a personal attack when it wasn't at all. She also did something similar with the bridal shower. My husband wants to write her and tell her no thank you to the after baby shower and that we will invite his family to my sister's shower.
This will cause a war. I mean a WAR. It is so unnecesary and silly and so unimportant in the long run, but my MIL is so passive aggressive that she always feels victimized and convolutes every situation into a personal attack. Funny thing is I like her a lot and very much enjoy her company and do not want all this drama over a shower. I also want her family to be a part of the shower and not left out because she is in a tizzy.
What do I do? She is being so mean right now and we never even asked for a shower. The idea is nice and we feel very loved that so many people care about us and the baby, but I can't deal with it. It is not worht all of this craziness. I am already hormonal and am about to flip out on her which won't be good. Right now I am just biting my tongue and keeping my distance. The important thing to us is spending time with family and this is all just so silly. HELP!!!! (Did I mention my husband is an only child?)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL drama-What do I do? (Long)
for the sake of your own sanity, I'd say let DH handle it, that being said...
Your MIL needs to deal with it. She can talk to your sister if you wants to combine showers but to say that H's side of the family is not allowd to attend any shower unless she throws it is absurd. I also would be offended about her offering to throw a meet the baby party, but I'm just weird like that- I wouldn't want a party for my baby in the winter with more than say 5 people... like I said I that might just be me.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My MIL is batpoopcrazy too, so I know how you feel.
My best advice for the shower situation is to go ahead with letting your sister plan it. Let her know that you'd like your husband's family invited as well (assuming this won't make the shower huge or really financial burdensome since you said both sides are pretty small). I would also have her invite your MIL, who can then decide for herself whether or not to come.
Bottom line - don't let her ruin your shower or be the reason for excluding other family members who aren't being total jackasses.
Good luck!
~EDD Nov 18, 2017 with my IUI success story~
[spoiler]
No, that is not you at all! This is one of my main concerns about it. I refuse to take my baby to a party of 45 people in the middle of cold and flu season. She wants to do it Jan or Feb. Crazy! I also am concerned about baby's demeanor, my recovery, and not to mention that at that point we will have most of what we need for the baby.
Yikes!
Maybe wait it out for things to cool off and then handle the situation then? Let her know that you feel extremely grateful and appreciative for the wonderful gift of a shower but that you don't want to neglect DH's family by not inviting them. Maybe then try to convince her to talk to your sister again? Or have your sister plan the shower and MIL could do a sip n' greet ? This is a tough situation - I just rambled a bunch of ideas - but hopefully if you turn it around and make it seem that you want her and DH's family involved maybe she might change her mind?
Are married to brothers? Seriously this sounds like my recent trip to my IL's....
Let her throw the shower after. If it is a lack of drama you want, then just let her do what she wants and thank her for it later.
HOWEVER, that isn't what I would do. Because my MIL pushes herself into the middle of things that are none of her business (DH and I's relationship, our life decisions, etc.), I don't let her get away with stuff like this. It sounds petty, but this type of stuff gives my MIL the power to assert herself in bigger areas of our lives (or at least the idea that she can) and it only blows up bigger in the end. If I were in the situation, I would tell her that she was the one being unreasonable, and although she is welcome to help your sister, you will only be having one shower. Invite DH's side of the family to the one shower, and if she doesn't join in on the planning, then send her an invite also. Although she is hurtful, she is DH's responsibility to deal with ultimately, and if that is what he wants to do, let him. The more control over things you give her that are really YOUR (you and DH's) decision, the more she will assert that control. It is your decision to accept or decline a shower.
I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! GL to w/e you decide to do!
Definitely THIS! I couldn't have said it better myself!
fwiw, I agree with you both - she doesn't just get to decree that 45 people get to come fill up your house a few weeks after you give birth. Stand your ground on that and have people over in manageable group sizes when you and baby are ready, and not a moment before.
~EDD Nov 18, 2017 with my IUI success story~
[spoiler]
In past situations we have tried to talk to her in person or on the phone but she will either hang up or ignore you. It is easier to write emails to her because you can say what you want to say calmly wihtout getting frustrated and saying something that will just make it worse. My husband told her to focus on the importance of the birth of her first grandchild and that is when she called him ungrateful. Believe me, with her, email is best. Especially when dealing with me beacuse I tend to have verbal diarhhea and say things I regret and I don't want to do that to DH.
This is terrible. I think your husband should handle her and just let her know that the family will be invited to the shower regardless of who is throwing it. It's not fair to leave out the rest of his family just because she's being irrational. She needs to remember that the shower is about the baby, you and your husband...not her.
I also agree with pp that she should not just assume that she can throw a meet the baby party. I wouldn't want a bunch of people around right after the baby is born. There is the germ factor, but also you will be adjusting and may not want people around.
Good luck! I hope it all works out!
All of this! I want the least amount of drama for me and DH's sake, but I fear that if I do not exert control now she will do this for the rest of my life and when it comes to my own kid, I will not bite my tongue. Luckily my wonderful DH does stand up to her while still being nice, which is more that I can ever do. My sis was planning on inviting her the whole time, so we will see what happens. He is adamant about the no shower after but mainly just because he does not want his family excluded from the pre-birht festivities.
Hahahaha. Batpoopcrazy.
That is the hardest I have laughed in a loooooong time!
My MIL actually TOLD us that she was taking LO in the summer (LO will be 5 mos old) for a month OUT OF STATE so she could watch "it". My first thought was "woman, you are out of your fvcking mind". I said "I'll be breast feeding, thats not possible." Luckily DH jumped in and said that wasn't going to happen. I mean, is she seriously crazy? She has a habit of telling us how stuff is going to be with our family and our life- like you, I will NOT hold my tongue when it comes to my baby and you NEVER should. Don't compromise on your parenting decisions- those are you and DH's alone and no one should ever make you compromise. I would let DH handle this one and just tell your sister to plan it on her own and invite DH's family!
Didn't finish my thought . . .
I hope you are able to figure out a solution that works for everyone. Good luck.
All I have to say is, my DH is an only child too. And even worse, so is his mother. So I get it. I've found that the weird, passive-aggressive, self-centered stuff runs very, very deep at times like this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Here's what I'd do: have your DH tell his mom that you like the idea of a "meet the baby" event after baby's born, and would love to accept her gracious offer to host it. But that you also plan to invite his family members to the pre-baby shower. If she protests, he can explain that part of the mission of a shower is to provide items you will need before baby is born, so you'd like to give his family an opportunity to be part of that. Then obviously make the "meet the baby" event gift-free. She may still be unhappy, but I'd defer to your DH on this one. If he thinks this is the right way to go, even if his mom pouts for a while, then I tend to agree with him.
Your MIL is a narcissist. She cannot see that this shower is about you, your husband, and her grandchild. Talking to her will likely do little good because she will always play the victim. I hate to say it, but I agree with others that said the best bet is to invite your DH's relatives to the shower your sister throws and invite your MIL, too. The embarrassment is hers if she chooses not to show.
P.S. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this!!
I'm glad that your H is so understanding of your side of this! It sounds like you have a good plan so I won't suggest anything else, you've already received some wonderful advice as it is. I just want to say though that I am also a part of the satan's-bride-MIL club and I feel your pain/frustration/stress. We are here for you whenever you need to vent! (((HUGS)))
FWIW: I am also of the mindset that there will be NO crowds around my baby. For my own (in)sanity very few people will actually meet our child in the first few months and at that point it will be just a few at a time and no one at all other than DH, me, and our local parents in the first two weeks or so and short visits then. I admit I'm going to be a baby-nazi but it's our baby and we make the rules with what we are comfortable with, everyone else will just have to deal.