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Parenting after a Loss
Bad night (nbr)
I really need to get back to work. I never thought it could happen, but maternity leave is destroying my marriage. Not the baby, but my leave. My husband resents me for being home while he is at work all day. Well, to be more exact, my husband hates that the house isn't spotless and dinner isn't on the table when he gets home from work. This has been an ongoing battle and I try to do as much as I can, but some days I'm just too freaking tired. He doesn't understand how much time and energy the baby takes. And that when I do have some down time, I would like a little bit of time to just relax.
Tonight I brought Emberlyn in and set her down on our bed so I could get ready for bed myself. He came into our room and was reading her books. I closed up the house, started her diapers in the wash, picked up the dogs' food and was headed into the bathroom when she started to fuss. He yelled that she needed me and I said I could hear her, but I was peeing. By the time I got done (like 30 seconds later), she was full on crying. He was mad at me for "standing around in the living room" and I told him I wasn't, that I was shutting the house up and it doesn't hurt her to cry from a second or two.
So we go to bed, I nurse her to sleep, he gets on FB. For over an hour. Like he does every single night. He gets off the computer finally and asks me "are we going to make it?". I ask why he questions that and he says because I don't seem happy. I told him I'm not happy that he spends more time making people in cyberspace laugh than he does me, and it makes me feel alone.
He decides to go on a tirade about how I have all the time in the world, he deserves his down time (mind you, he drums when he gets home, plays video games and then goes on FB... takes Emberlyn for maybe 30 minutes total all night, which is usually when I'm washing diapers and doing whatever else needs to be done). So I tell him I deserve some too, but I would really like some time with him, since we don't get much. Then he goes off about how I don't do anything all day, how he has to cook his own dinner (yes, when you walk in the door and I am nursing, chances are dinner isn't going to be done), and how I have had a vacation for two months and it's time I go back to work.
I'm so fed up. I know tomorrow will be better, but I know that until I'm off maternity leave, it won't all be better. And it sucks to feel that way. It sucks to not be able to enjoy every minute I have with Emberlyn because I know he resents me for being off.
Sorry this ended up so long. I just had to get this out of my head. Thanks for reading.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bad night (nbr)
I am sorry - that sounds really, really hard. Your H obviously does not get it. I have not had to deal with this myself, but I know other ladies on here have, and hopefully they have some advice for you. Can you guys sit down and talk about it when you're both feeling relatively neutral and not combative or defensive? Maybe it would work better to explain how you feel without accusing him (although he totally deserves it, IMO). Good luck.
Oh, and also, you need to smack him upside the head with this resentment crap. Did he want you to drop your DD off at daycare the minute she was born? Even if you are set on going back to work, it's a good idea to take some time off first of all to RECOVER and second of all to get used to each other and this new life you're starting. He needs to realize that having a baby is a major life change that will impact both of you.
And regarding the bit about you not doing anything - can you leave her with him for a few hours one day so that he can see what exactly you do? Ugh.
<a href="http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y161/putalittlepolkainyourdot/?action=view
I suggested this to him. He said he has no doubt it is easy and he would be able to get plenty done. Yeah, that's why he hands her off to me the minute he needs to do something around the house. Cause it's EASY.
And the resentment crap is ridiculous, I totally agree. I don't get it one bit. I explained to him that hello... they wouldn't even release me for work until six weeks and that I went through birthing out child, without drugs or pain killers, and when he hurt his wrist he got to take vicodin for three weeks. He acted like he finally understood (this was a week ago) and it's back to the same crap tonight.
Well, since he thinks it is so easy, I say take off this weekend for the mall or a mani/pedi or something. Be gone at least four hours. See how it goes.
I'm sorry. He needs a good kick in the shins (or perhaps somewhere a bit higher). I hope you can get through to him.
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This.
I agree. That's absurd. You're not on a vacation, you just gave birth to a child Men really are dumb some times. And if it's so easy then he shouldn't have any problem with you going out and having some you time. And I agree, at least 4 hours - then he might have to handle 2 feedings. Oh, and the next time she gets upset and she "needs you," let him handle it since it's so easy.
I totally agree he needs to spend some alone time with the baby to see how much work it is. My DH didn't have the resentment part, but he did really have no clue how hard it was, especially with a newborn. He was off for a week when she was about 6-7 weeks old and after that week he apologized to me for some things he said (like telling me I had no excuse not to exercise . . . I wanted to throat punch him soo bad!).
As for the Facebook thing, I really think sometimes all this technology is bad for real relationships. Maybe this seems hypocritical of me to say on a message board, but I don't post on here when my DH is hanging out with me. DH recently got a droid phone and I am worried he is going to be on the internet all the time instead of paying attention to his immediate surroundings. My brother is like this with his iphone. It is fine to check email, read blogs and message boards, facebook, etc . . . but not at the expense of people around you.
I am so sorry. I hope he realizes how wrong he is.
My Dh was like this as well (and we still have little tifs about it when he's feeling overly tired). The one thing that I did to make him 'get it' was leave for a whole day. It sucked for me, but, I did it. I went and did some shopping, hung out at my sisters etc. I told him in the morning that I expected him to try to get the laundry done, clean things up and have dinner ready when I got home. The same things he wants me to get done every day. I told him that he was only allowed to call me if there were actually something WRONG with her, not just 'she won't stop crying'.
He gets it now! He's been much more 'lenient' with my homemaking since that day. Like I said, he'll still bring it up every once in a while, but all I have to do is remind him of that day (when he didn't get a thing done) and he shuts up.
I hope things perk up for you soon.
To echo ladylaura's conversation with her DH, he needs a kick in the nuts.
Totally leave him alone with her for 4 hours, and I love Purple's suggestion about being gone for an entire day and leaving him with a list of things to get done, i.e. everything he expects you to do. And no calls unless there's something actually wrong with her, not that she is just unhappy and needs you. He's her father, he needs to start acting like it and man up.
ETA: Sorry if this post comes off as really angry, but I'm very pissed off on your behalf!
I agree with all of you, and don't worry, I'm still pissed off at him.