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Austin Babies
2H2L
member
s/o drama - judging and friends
2H2L
member
Do you find yourself judging, or maybe that's not the word, but categorizing or thinking certain things about people because of their friends? Here or IRL?
I've been thinking about it lately in this context (and the post below brought it up in my mind again). I've met a nestie IRL who has been talked/teased about here, but who I find very friendly and pleasant. I also have found myself linking a nestie with their off-the-board friends. For example, a popular nestie vouches for person X several times on the boards. My experience with person X, IRL, is negative (lies and stealing involved). Then, I can't help but have a less than positive feeling about the nestie. Get it? So, am I just extra judgy, or do you do this, too?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o drama - judging and friends
The Blog
I'm not sure about judging others based on their friends, but as far as the vouching for someone thing - yes. If someone specifically tells me I can trust so-and-so and it turns out not to be true, I will think less of their opinion in the future. I won't go so far as to say that I'd think negatively of them as a person - we all make mistakes and get burned sometimes - but I think that if you're going to "vouch" for someone you're accepting a little bit of responsibility if said person turns out to be less than you described.
The first situation (you found someone to be nice who others talk about negatively) . . . I'm pretty good about separating what I hear about others from my own personal opinion of others that I've formed through my own interactions. In general I don't really care what other people say about someone. If I've met them and like them, then that's all that really matters to me.
For the second situation, I tend to give the voucher the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they aren't privy to the lying/cheating/stealing side of the person they are vouching for. I've trusted a lot of people in my life (I tend to be too trusting off the bat and believe that everyone has essentially the same good goals as I do), only to have them be playing me or others. All I can do is recommend what I know to be good and true, kwim?
i am judgy too. and it's probably my least favorite quality about myself. i would go as far as to say that i was a "mean girl" in college until i got dumped by my circle of friends and realized what it felt like to be the outsider. i'm working on trying not to judge. i'm much, much better than i used to be.
i try to not judge a nestie until i have met her in real life. but sometimes you just cant help yourself based on some of the information people share about themselves on here. for that reason, i try to not post anything too personal. i dont want people to judge me based on what they read into my posts or by whom i associate with online. plus, it's hard to tell just how personal the relationships on this site really are.
This.
This for me too.
But there is one person on here who I heard only negative things about for a long time, but when I finally had the chance to meet her she was nothing but nice to me and has been since. I now consider her a friend and I'm glad that I didn't go based on the other person's opinions alone.
The O'Baby Blog
I try not to judge Nesties based on the limited information from the boards. I also, intentionally, do not form IRL friendships w/ Nesties.
Recently, I was very disappointed about the trustworthiness of people IRL and have suffered the loss of a friendship over it. Ultimately, it was my fault but there was still a sense of disappointment that someone could not be true to their word.
I am more quick to judge others I know IRL but also try to remember I never really know what all is going on in someone's life.
I am more inclined to form my own opinion than rely on others experience.
I definitely don't judge people based on their friends. I have some friends/family who may not meet some standards but they are my friends and I wouldn't turn my back on them. I would hope that people wouldn't judge me for their actions.
As far as Nesties and friends go...I dunno. I've only met a handful of you in real life, at the one play date I went to before we moved out of Round Rock.
this
Definitely, me, too. I guess I feel like a wimp b/c I don't step up more and defend those nice people.
Anyway, just making conversation. It is actually scenario 2 that is on my mind more often than scenario 1. Every time I see person X recommended (person/business X is not a nestie btw), I struggle with whether to share my personal experience - which I know was not an isolated incident - b/c a popular nestie says she's great friends with X. I can't help but think a little less of the recommender every time she gushes about X. Like bobcatsteph said, it's not my favorite character trait.
Hearing negative things in a gossipy, malicious way makes me like the gossiper less and the person being talked about more. The mean girl mentality really bugs me and those girls are the ones I end up avoiding. If that's judgmental, well, then I guess I am.
I try really hard to stick to making my judgments about people only after I've met them and can make my own evaluation for myself. That being said, I have failed at this a few times.
this. and i try not to judge people on here without meeting them first but it's really hard not to especially with the direction that some posts can end up taking. i work on it as much as i can but first impressions are hard to shake sometimes.
I have no idea why, but it seems like I went through a mean-girl phase not too long ago. It was terrible and I dislike many of the things I said. I have made a commitment to be more positive about people and not so catty.
If someone provides a rec that doesn't work out for me, I don't hold it against the recommender other than to seriously consider future recs from them as we have different standards. Your experience may have been a 180 from theirs and there's nothing they could have done to know/ control what happened.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really read who is posting what to know / feel any certain way about most of the people on the board. I look at the posts themselves ... I rarely glance at names. I feel kind-of bad about it b/c I feel like I'm not trying to get to know people. Really though...I just don't have a lot of time. Between the kids, working, and housework...I'm trying to cram a lot in (like most of us).
And I'm sure a lot of me not knowing who anyone is has to do with the fact that I don't live in Austin anymore and don't come to gtgs. But I still know a lot of nestie names / people from the old knot days 5+ years ago, and I like this board.
I tend to evaluate a person wholly on their own merits. I think I'm the kind of person who is apt to give a person the benefit of the doubt for a long time until he/she proves me wrong. After that, it's very hard to win back that positive opinion.
I know that for my dad, he believes that your associations can reflect against your character and I can understand that.
There have been many times when I have subscribed to the "you are only as good as the company you keep" mantra.
The O'Baby Blog
Uh, like yesterday! (Just keeding!!!!)
Seriously though, since I've known you, I've always found you to be kind, generous, and thoughtful.
Question 1: Yes and no. I find that if I just sit back and read posts, I learn more about someone than just the company they keep. I watch to see how the people interact with each other. When the mud slinging occurs, how does one dish out criticism? How do they accept criticism? Sometimes it is hard not to have preconceived notions of someone by the company they keep. We are only human after all... But regardless who your friends are, people reveal their true character at some point and that's when you know if you were spot on with your original impression.
Question 2: I have vouched for a Knottie in the past (I think she briefly became a Nestie at one point) because my experience with her was very good with her business. However, later I found out more about her business practices and things that she later did that were shady (lying, stealing, etc.). I never recommended her again. I had no idea she was like that. She kept that side of her very close to her chest. I would hope that no one held that against me. We all have laspes in judgement and some of us are a little more trusting than others. I try to believe the good in people until they prove me wrong.
I *think* I know who you are talking about, and I don't think anyone held that against you. She pulled the wool over many knottie's eyes.
Ditto this. It appeared that she was a good actress, I don't know how you would have known.
The 12 year old girl in me is afraid that you're talking about me. No reason really... Then I realized that we don't know each other in real life. Sometimes I'm very insecure.
I do sometimes questions people's judgement when they seem to blindly vouch for someone/ something in the face of overwhelming evidence that they don't deserve it. I don't think less of them, I just might not accept some of their other recommendations as easily as I might have otherwise. Of course, just because I have a bad experience doesn't mean that others will. I tend to give a positive recommendation, not a negative one.
I often ponder this when people ask for day care recs. One of my very good friends (not a nestie) had her son in a day care that she hated. Every time I saw her there was some new horror that she had to share. It's part of a chain that people recommend on here sometimes. I always wonder if I should say something about the specific location, but I don't since it's not personal experience to share. I would feel bad bashing it, but I would hate for anyone to send their kids there when there are so many great daycare centers around.
Agreed.. You've just described me.