How to encourage play with other children?

docmay25 · July 2010

Jack has a hard time playing with other children besides his sister. he chooses not to. He seeks out adults and prefers adults, whether strangers or not.

I have been concerned about this for a long time and just recently brought it up to his psychologist. She said not to worry about it, that kids don't really form friendships until elementary age. I don't think she understood the severity of it.

yesterday we went to a neighborhood block party. 2 of the older girls in the neighborhood put together activities for the younger kids...relay races, soccer, duck, duck goose etc. All the kids were playing in a group together...Jack was playing baseball off to the side with the girls Dad. he played with the Dad the entire time we were there. I tried to encourage playing with the other kids, but he refused.

What do I do about this? I know he doesn't care and doesn't realize that he looks "different", but it breaks my heart.

breezy0629 · July 2010

Jack is a bit older than my DS (just turned 4) My son doesn't mind playing with other kids, but the play is not typical play for the most part. He might want to engage them to count numbers or somethng that doesn't interest the other child. Most of the time he will JOIN...not ENGAGE if anything. If they are running in circles, he'll join that in a heartbeat. However, shortly after he starts playing with them... he does tend to move further away until he's alone again. With something like play equipment or a game, he has a much harder time staying with them.

This is what I try to do. It doesn't always work, but he is getting BETTER! I play this up to his reading skills.... but you can adapt it anyway you can think would fit your son best.

Just before our 'playdate' I sit with him and write out a list of 'How to Play with my Friends'. We write a list down one side of what would make our friends have happy faces (complete with a drawn happy face). Then we write a list down the other side of what would make our friends have sad faces. We talk about why we want our friends to have happy faces while we play and not sad faces. I don't think he really cares whether they are happy or not...but we are trying to work on that piece.

So, if on the 'happy' side we've written that we need to always play WITH a friend.... on the 'sad' side we write that if we play all alone it sometimes makes our friends face look like this (sad face) because we only have a short time to play (or I name a time frame, like a couple hours).

I usually spend time drawing (stick people what it would look like to sit with a friend or without a friend while playing and have him show me which is which, ask questions etc... until I know he understands what I'm talking about.

Sitting with him doing this for about 10 min's and then posting it wherever he wants it for a reminder has worked wonders. I can point to the paper and he can go reference it and DOES do that.

The downfall is that he likes to stick to the list (but we'll get more general and broad as time goes on).

We sometimes also list out what games we can play with the friends. Again, he is too specific about that.... BUT that is a starting place. I think part of the problem, say if we let him loose in someone elses backyard, is that there is no order to it. He needs some instruction or he will just revert back to his favorite things.

I hope that helps!

I was amazed this past week to watch him try to engage other kids at the pool while we were on vacation. But, he just wanted to know how old they were. When it got to be 12 and 14 year olds, he just got odd looks. I was just glad he didn't start asking them how many inches they are (tall) b/c that's always the followup question.

docmay25 · July 2010

Thanks, I love that idea. I think that would work great with Jack because he loves things like lists, anything he can read and "rules". I will use this for our next get together.

Glendi2.0 · July 2010

docmay25:

I have been concerned about this for a long time and just recently brought it up to his psychologist. She said not to worry about it, that kids don't really form friendships until elementary age. I don't think she understood the severity of it.

Sorry, I call bullsh*t on that statement. My oldest daughter (almost 4.5 yo) and her classmates are positively consumed with friends and relationships and have been for a long while. I think you're totally on point with your concern about his lack of interest in making friends.

Sylvie (my youngest, PDD dx) sounds a lot like your son. Enjoys playing per se, but doesn't seek out other children to play with. She's happy to engage and play with adults, though. I suspect that has a lot to do with the predictability of adults... they'll speak calmly, they'll play "by the rules"... kids are too unpredictable and erratic for Sylvie. She can't "keep up" with them, if that makes sense. I do notice that she loves to jump in an participate in physical play, so I try to build on that- stuff like jumping on trampolines, jumping in the kiddy pool, etc. And if there's ever a time I do see her interact willingly with kids, I don't interfere under any circumstances (like last night, I was trying to corral the girls inside for bath and saw that both girls were playing around with our neighbors' kids- even though it was getting late, I didn't dare mess with that- hell, if Sylvie stayed engaged, I would've let them play 'til midnight!)

Another thing I've noticed that Sylvie can participate in pretty well is games (like board games). We have a few that we modify so that she can play along, but it's a great way to help her practice playing with other kids (in most cases, her older sister) in what feels like a safe setting to her... much like playing with adults, games offer some structure and predictability to her, so she doesn't shy away from them.

Keep encouraging him to play with his sister- he clearly feels "safe" interacting with her... and perhaps encourage her to participate in group activities with him- I know Sylvie always does better in a group if Amelia is involved.

docmay25 · July 2010

Thanks for everyones input. I will say that we are no longer seeing that therapist. Jacks social issues was one of the main reasons we started seeing her. I explained in length his issues and history. She knew that we were having him tested for ADHD, Aspergers etc.

This has been an issue for years now. I am concerned that he doesn't play with other children but also that he is inappropriately friendly with all adults,strangers even.

He did have a friend at school. This boy was his best friend, but the only child in the class that Jack played with. Then that boy moved and for the last 3 months of school he played with nobody. It is concerning and I hate it. I am hoping that we are able to get a formal diagnosis and services for kindergarten.

susanmosley · July 2010

-auntie-:
Can I come biotch slap your son's shrink? Pretty please?
Kids might not form friendships that meet the criteria ours might as adults, but they do connect and engage at his age even if the depth and reciprocity isn't as mature as it will be.
In the preschool and primary grades, friendships are based on something of a geographic desirablity. Kids are friends with those kids who are easily available to them- sibs, neighbors, cousin, classmates. It's only later, in the tween years that mutual interests become the scaffolding for relationships.
There is no single more important skill to address than your son's ability to related to and engage with peers. None.
His place in the world is entirely dependent on his understanding where he fits in the socially constructed hierarchy, aka the food chain. Does he even know he's a child. many intense Aspergerish kids don't intuitively get that they aren't adults or at least equivalent to them. And this can be offputting to peers who know this is wrong on some level. And it can piss off the sort of control freak teacher who expects a child to "know his place" in the food chain.
As Glendi mentioned, many kids on spectrum (or close to) are drawn to adults because of their predictable and indulgent behavior. Some kids will also be drawn to older kids for this same reason. A few might prefer a younger playmate whose social and emotional maturity doesn't outstrip their development and who will do their bidding. This can be a problem when a younger sib bypasses her older brother in this regard.
You are seeing a single issue, but there are multiple antecendents on which you need to provide rote instruction, support and intervention in order to help your son be his social "best".
Firstly, he needs to learn to like and associate himself with other children. This is usually best done in short playdate type settings with just him and one other easy going child. He needs to learn that a single kid his age can be fun rather than letting him be overwhelmed by a larger group of kids. Some kids do best on neutral territory, so a playground is often better than home. While a sib is handy, more can be learned from another boy his own age.

Ahhhhhh, yes. Ding DIng Ding!

OP, does your child have a speech language pathologist who you feel comfortable with and enjoy working along side? If not, I would highly recommend one. Dependent of cognitive levels, a lot of these things can be talked out (cognitive behavior therapy) with kids. I firmly believe that kids with these types of differences don't need to think like us (general society) - they are welcome to be wired differently and perceive things differently. However, they need to understand how we think so that they can learn how to adapt when necessary - as they are in the minority. I hope you have/can find an SLP that can help you achieve this for your son..

This social stuff is SO DARN COMPLEX!!!!

toddandleah · July 2010

"He'll always be a MAC in a PC world, but at least he has a working knowledge of our operating systems."

I LOVE this statement...just love it!

DD has social challenges primarily based on her delayed communication after CI surgery, but she'll get there. It helps to read this thread. I completely understand the heartache of watching your little one on the outskirts of their peers' social circle, trying to figure out how to work within it. DD is definately getting further out on the edges as she and her peers grow. Hopefully we'll get her back in the game soon, with lots of speech and social therapy, but the waiting game is hard when I have to watch her playing off by herself while others have meaningful conversations, and are picking up on the many social cues that DD still misses.

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