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1st Trimester
nicoleandadam
member
Why don't some of you tell your parents?
nicoleandadam
member
The post below got me to thinking about something I have wondered about in my last couple of years on the Bump. Why do some of you wait to tell your own parents? I'm not judging at all, I just don't understand waiting to tell them. I can understand not telling friends or even other family members, but I just don't understand why or how you don't tell your or DH's parents. Our parents was the first call we made. Wouldn't you tell them if you had a m/c anyway?
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Re: Why don't some of you tell your parents?
I would rather deal with a m/c on my own terms. I am a very private person and wouldn't want them harassing me about it. It's how mothers can be. Many also cannot keep their mouth shut so the only way to keep a secret is to not tell until you are ready. I would definitely tell my mom but wouldn't be able to not tell DHs parents so i decided not to tell anyone then until we are ready for the world to know.
I would like to keep the fact of a m/c to only a few people. It's none of anyone's business. It happens too often for me to comfortably tell before i hear or see a heartbeat.
I can see why people would want to tell and how some people can be open books and feel comfortable, just not me.
You might if you had suffered a miscarriage.
ETA:Thank god that hasnt happened to you, but you don't know how you are going to feel unless you experience it yourself. Having to "untell" people is really hard.
I haven't told my parents b/c
1. not as close to my mother as obviously some of you are
2. they're not accepting of my biracial relationship
3. haven't had my first appt yet (this week) and I'd like to make sure everything is fine with the LO before I tell and sh!t hits the fan
I prefer to wait until the first ultrasound to make sure everything is as it should be. With DS, I told a few close friends because a) I'm an AW b) I needed someone to talk to and c) I wanted to tell my parents in person.
This time around most of our immediate family knew we were TTC and so they already know. We'll announce it to everyone else once we see a heartbeat.
To each their own.
The Mouse ~ 06.12.08 | The Froggy ~ 02.23.11
I am not pregnant yet, but the reason we will not share with parents right away is both sets are ready and excited to be grandparents.
If we tell them right away, and then miscarry, we put our family through the roller coaster of emotions from elated joy to sorrow.
However, I will tell my parents and his if we miscarry for support, but at least they will not have the high of being grandparents one day, and then the low of the miscarry the next.
I don't want to get everyone's hopes up and then have to bring them down. I would rather have the conversation "we were pregnant, but we have lost the baby". They then can be there for support for us instead of trying to comprehend the loss on their own terms due to being so excited when we announced.
When I got pg again after 6 yrs TTC for LO#2 we told our parents but I lost the baby at 12 weeks, after that DH didn't want to tell his mom because she would be 'upset'. It kind of made me a little mad because considering all I had at the time for support were his parents, my parents are 4000 miles away. The second m/c we didn't get a chance to tell them because it happened at 6 weeks then when I was pg with DS2 we told them when we got back off vacation, we found out the day we flew out so we were about 6 weeks. This time we told them about 6 weeks also.
To me it was important because I didn't have my family for support so DH's family were the closest i had.
I think it definitely is a personal choice though.
This exactly!!
And this too. Last time DH and I told each of our immediate families - mine first, then his. My dad gets confused sometimes and thought that we were out with the news after we told DH's family. We weren't out with it. I found out the next week about the m/c and by then my dad had told his brother.
Well my dad is one of 15 - yes 15! - kids so that one brother told another sibling and they all knew I was pregnant by the time I was actually m/cing.
Flashforward a month and my 5 month pregnant sister is home getting married and I have my dad's brothers and sisters expressing their sympathy for my loss at my sister's wedding. Oy vey!
Ditto the above, generally, My parents are very emotional and worry (which is their right as parents) and given the issues we are having with the pregnancy it just does not seem fair or appropriate to tell them at this point.
BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
BFP #2 2/2011
Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013
Motherhood is not for wimps
Our baby site: Baby Cragg
Well, my mom would be WAY MORE excited than we are. I've had two miscarriages. The first one, I thought there was something wrong with the baby and there was. I didn't want to get my mom all excited and then have to tell her no. I love my mom, but she says well meaning and stupid things, like "well it will happen" or "maybe it wasn't meant to be". These things don't make me feel better.
DH's mom is better. She doesn't say inane things, but she has told us that she can't keep a secret and would probably tell the whole family. FIL definitely would. Then, if something went wrong, the questions would start and it would drive me crazy.
We live about 500 miles from our families and don't see them that often, so it's easy not to say anything. I have a TON of other things going on in my life, albeit it, not as big, that I can talk about besides my pg.
Yes, I told them all - MIL & Mom and Dad about the mc's, but until you have had one and have been faced with all the stupid questions and well meaning comments, you may not understand quite how it feels. I'm not flaming you, but just giving you another perspective...
I think I might have writtent the previous post you were referring to. We have chosen not to tell anyone yet because we want to make sure everything is ok. As PPs have mentioned, I do not want to untell if I were to m/c. I am not a particularly private person but if we had to untell, I would very quickly get sick of people giving me the pity looks or the "how are you doing with everything" questions all the time.
Another reason is we don't want to announce to extended family and friends until 2nd tri and I don't think my mom or MIL (although MIL is better about it) would keep thier mouths shut. Not because they want to aw but because they will be very excited.
Also, noone knows that we were TTC #2 so if something were to happen, no one else would have to go through the disappointment.
We told our parents at 11weeks with our first pregnancy and found out about the missed m/c several days after. It would have been the first grandchild on both sides. Our parents were devastated, and I had to deal with a tremendous amount of guilt, on top of my own grieving.
This time we waited until we saw the h/b to tell, and then told our parents at 12 weeks. I also don't think it's fair to tell parents and then ask them to keep it a secret if you aren't ready to tell everyone else.
BFP #2 ~ 4/22/2010 ~ EDD 12/29/2010 ~ Born 12/19/2010 ~ My Rainbow Baby
BFP #3 ~ 6/10/2012 ~ EDD 2/20/2013 ~ HB 100bpm @ 9w3d ~ M/C 7/11/2012
BFP #4 ~ 3/16/2013 ~ EDD 11/20/2013 ~ Born 11/17/2013 ~ Rainbow Baby #2
Umm....
We are not telling my parents yet because we had a miscarriage in March. We called both of our parents right away with the last pregnancy. Everyone was devastated when we miscarried, it was both of our parents first grandchild.
Just in case we have another miscarriage we don't want anyone to know until 12 weeks this time. And no, if we had a miscarriage again we would not even tell them we were pregnant again. I couldn't go through all of the "I'm sorry for your miscarriage" crap again...it hurt too much.
*PLUS:
When we told DH mom and dad last time they told the whole world. We asked them not too, and obviously they were too excited...A few weeks after our m/c a friend of a friend of my MIL wrote on my FB page "Congrats Girl! YoUR PREGGERS!!!!!" ....umm yeah I didn't even really know this girl very well....That stabbed me in the heart.
We waited to tell our parents until 13 weeks. I think it all depends on whether or not it would be helpful to you if you were to go through a m/c to have them know or not. For me, I didn't want to have to tell them about a loss. I'm not very open when I am going through something and prefer to just lean on DH.
Also, it depends on how you think your parents will handle the news of a loss. For me, I know they wouldn't understand. They have very old-fashioned views on pregnancy and neither of them ever dealt with TTC for a year or going through losses. So lack of understanding would definitely lead them to say insensitive things trying to "help." All in all, it depends on your relationship with your family. Its totally a personal decision. And no, they still don't know I had a m/c last fall.
DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
My and DH's family live 3 hours away. With my first pregnancy in February, I was all excited to drive out there the following weekend and spread the news with t-shirts and coffee mugs for everyone to mark the momentous occasion. I ordered the goods, paid to have them shipped express and wrapped them up in snowflake paper (it was easily on hand from xmas). I was going out there to see the first baby any of us cousins (I have a very close extended family) were having and thought how great it would be to announce the next baby (in a polite way to not take any attention from my cousin and her baby).
Three days before I drove out, I started bleeding and cramping, I thought well it could be 50/50 at this point and just a threatened miscarriage, went in for betas, etc. The day before I was set to drive out to the family, I finished the miscarriage. It was terrible. I called in "sick". And after all of the tears, I sure was convincingly sick sounding. I went the following weekend to see the new baby and said nothing to anyone. DH didn't want anyone to know we were TTC so that when things worked out, they would be a surprised. Plus it takes a lot of pressure off with people asking well what's wrong with you, why hasn't it happened yet when you are trying.
After hearing my mom go on and on for three weeks about my cousin's new baby and how she wants me to have one and how great I look holding one, I finally had to make it stop and told her the news. Had I told people when I went in to see the new baby, I would have appeared way selfish trying to draw attention away from the baby and take other people's happiness away.
This time around, we told only the parents on a convenient trip out to their house 4th of July weekend and surprised them @ 6 weeks pg. No one else is to know until we have a HB, which we got last week at 6.5 weeks- I still don't want anyone else to know. I have my first appt. with the Doc Friday and even if that goes well, I'm hesitant to share.
When I did share this news this time around, I didn't really smile all that much and it was obviously I wasn't nearly as excited - I'm still way to worried about what could happen. The t-shirts and mugs all got delivered...in snowflake wrapping paper...in July...I didn't have the heart to re-wrap the gifts - they were originally wrapped with so much excitement, I was hoping to deliver that excitement. I gave my mom the Grandma to Be 2010 shirt, even though she won't be (or if she is, the baby would be off to one heck of a rough, premature start and likely wouldn't make it). I got her a replacement Grandma to Be (no year) wrapped in summer paper.
Back to why I wouldn't tell if I had a m/c anyway: Two cousins that I confided in regarding my m/c got pg on their first try. One cousin responded by telling me that when I want to get pg, I just have to get the timing down and it will happen on the first try. Really? Because I already was pg. The other cousin told me to lay off the caffeine so it wouldn't happen again. I hadn't had caffeine for months before I got pg. I never anticipated the dismal level of sensitivity and intelligence from those family members I care about. Knowing what I know now, I probably won't have said anything and just sought outside professional help to deal with the emotions.
To be in a state of ignorant bliss is truly a blessing. I hope all that have the opportunity to experience making an announcement without baggage and have only normal concerns of miscarriage fully appreciate the situation they are in.
The statistics are - you will have your bliss so don't let me get you down. But my situation has changed my personal outlook - I wish the m/c never happened to me from the standpoint of excessive paranoia (amongst other reasons), but I definitely learned something from it and grew as a person.
Because:
1. We aren't that close
2. They have big mouths
3. They will ask a lot of questions that we aren't ready to answer
4. We just want this time for ourselves.
And, no, we haven't told them we had a miscarriage. I don't want anyone fussing over me. It's just the way I/we deal with things.
I told my parents because I wanted them to know and if anything happened I would need their support. When we lost our son, my parents, and especially my mom, were a rock for us. She was there no matter what.
We told DH's parents because I want to maintain the "fairness" with the grandparents to make sure no feelings are hurt.
We waited to tell our parents until the 2nd Tri for a few reasons:
1) they would be too excited to be able to keep it a secret (and it's a burden for them to be made to keep a secret when they're so excited and want to tell the world!)
2) if God forbid something had been wrong, they would have been crushed. No need to get them excited until we knew for sure that everything was fine.
This! Untelling svcks!! We went through hell with my first pregnancy, granted by that point there was no hiding it. It was very, very difficult to untell so many people. We found out a month before my stillbirth that our baby had down syndrome. We had many phone calls from distant family members that got very incorrect information from MIL. One phone call asking "what hole" in me caused "it to not be right". It caused both my husband and myself additional sadness to have to explain what was going on. To backtrack a bit MIL had been a bit out of control when we told her the baby would have special needs. She looked me straight in the eye and said "well, can't you take a pill or vitamin or something and make it better?" Clearly, thats all I needed to do.
The untelling lasted over a month after my stillbirth. Telling work sucked. I worked in 6 department so there were so many people to talk to. Months later I even had a few people ask me how the baby was doing.
With my second pregnancy we waited until after the NT scan. Celebrated and still had some family members ask if "it" was okay.
In all honestly I would tell my mom, she lost a baby shortly after birth but she can't keep a secret. MIL surely cannot and constantly gets stories messed up so it's just too much stress we don't need.
It's also great to keep it between Dh and I.
Sorry this is so long winded.
I like to be creative...
We have waited because we will see both sets of parents on DD's birthday, Saturday. My daughters will be wearing bracelets that say "Big Big Sis" and "Li'l Big Sis"...it will be fun to see how quickly they catch on...