self esteem and critical/hard on self...
susanmosley
member
So, people always play the low self esteem card when someone is judging someone else (yes mamatojackson, this is about judging again). You know how it goes, "Bob must have a low self esteem to be critical/judgy of Dan's choice to SAH." (with a sassy tone)
Every time I read that, I find myself confused because 1) I have a lot of opinions and thoughts (aka judgments) about things I see/hear/observe and 2) I genuinely feel I have a fine self esteem.
In my constant self-analytical state, I read the other day that people who are critical of others are often also very hard on themselves. And it rang loud and clear to me. I am very hard on myself. This made perfect sense.
But here is my question - can one be very hard on themself AND have a solid self esteem? I feel I am both. But am I kidding myself? When I think about it, it seems like maybe the two don't really go together - why would you be hard on yourself if you thought you were pretty awesome? My answer is that although I feel good about myself, I strive to be better. Is that a logical answer? lol
Thoughts?
Re: self esteem and critical/hard on self...
Oh, my, GAHD, JUDGEY!!!!!!
:P :P :P
I have no idea and can't contribute, at all. In areas where I feel I am lacking, I am sensitive to others. In areas where I feel I excel, I am very critical of others. I'm a terrible person, really.
I snarffed (yes, that is a word) at your last sentence. Thanks
Yep, you have. I appreciate this reply.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I am so much like this too; constantly looking to self-improve. In fact, I mentioned it in a post the other day about something else. I feel honesty is the best policy and if people were more straightforward with their feelings half the "drama" that goes on in this world would go away.
My dad and I often have very thoughtful conversations about a variety of things, but when relationships come up he always mentions how brutally honest DH and I are with each other. He says it would have never worked for him and my mom.
But when we were growing up it was the silent treatment that everyone dreaded the most. My mom would go days without talking to me. It broke my heart and just seemed inhumane (for lack of a better word). I think it's this that makes me so focused on being open and honest with our feelings....okay- tangent over!
I think it's wonderful to have high expectations/standards for yourself, but it's also how you treat yourself when you fall short of said expectations. If you treat yourself badly in the way that you think/talk about yourself, ask yourself why? And what are you making it mean? For example, if you fall short of these expectations, then you are __________ (lazy, undisciplined, not good enough, fill in the blank for whats true for you, etc). If your internal dialogue is overly negative, then I'm not sure that I would describe that as healthy self-esteem. I'm not sure what's true for you, just my two cents.
I have so many mommy friends who are SO SO hard on themselves for EVERYTHING. I'm all for kicking the mommy guilt because at the end of the day isn't every mom just trying to do the BEST she can.
I don't feel that I'm am hard on myself, but I will overthink the silliest thing until I drive those around me nuts. It's a flaw about me I can't stand but it's what I do. I also try not to judge people but those who regularly grate my nerves are more subject to judging from me. Take my SIL for example. I think her over exaggerated FB statuses clearly show she is very insecure with herself. She needs people to like her, compliment her or give her sympathy. In return, she doesn't reciprocate to others unless she benefits from it.
I know that I can't do it all/have a perfect body/be surrounded by always supportive people and I'm okay with that. In that frame of mind, I also can't stand when people I know who rock are always hard on themselves. I think they expect way too much of themselves and figure it's easier to bring themselves down than to think others are doing it. Kind of like beating them to the punch when it's not even coming. Does that make sense?
I didn't have the best self-esteem growing up. I was super shy and went to a small private school where cliques were in abundance. I graduated high school, had DD#1 3 months later, married her dad and my self-esteem never really improved. It took things going downhill fast for me to realize that I was worth way more than what I had. It's taken years but experience has shown me that I don't have to take others BS or feel that I need to please anyone in place of being happy with myself. I feel I go above and beyond with helping people out, but I do it because it seems right.
I think you can have a high self-esteem and still be hard on yourself, but not to the point of perfection. DH is one of the most confident people I know but he holds himself to certain standards and it works for him.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05