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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
ShariJenn
member
Do your family members play favorites...
ShariJenn
member
with your lo and their other grandchildren or nieces/nephews?
I'm seeing this happen a ton on DH's side of the family, and while I don't really care all that much. I'm concerned that when DS gets older, he'll see this (because it's so obvious) and it will make him feel bad.
It's to the point where one of DH's sisters pretends that she has one niece and one niece only and our LO doesn't exist at all. She makes it clear on fb (which I hate), she actually goes as far as saying her niece is the cutest kid in the whole world. It's childish to get mad at, but it kinda hits me the wrong way.
DH's mom does this too, just not to that extent.
This happened to me growing up, and my grandparents favored my cousins and made it very clear and it really hurt me when I was a kid. I just wish I could avoid that pain being inflicted on my LO.
Anyone else have ea similar situation?
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Re: Do your family members play favorites...
Yep! My parents are this way. They favour their other grandson more than my son. It's very obvious. We just choose to not have a lot to do with them anymore.
We're more "well off" than my parents, and they're very jealous of that. We have issues that run deeper than just favourtism!
That sucks and I agree it is mean and hurtful. Is your SIL's other niece by chance her sister's daughter? It always seems to me that families sometimes seem closer to the daughter's children than their son's (no flames - I know there are exceptions). Or is she maybe closer in proximity and get to see her other niece more? I have a feeling that when DH's sister has a kid, they will favor that child - at least in terms of "spoiling" b/c they are that way with my SIL over DH. But we also live farther away from them. I would try to make plans to see your SIL (even if you dohn't want to!) - just you and your LO - and see if that helps the bond.
I also grew up w/ grandparents that were like this and it was often very hurtful. My sister was the favorite b/c she was the first grandchild and it was plainly obvious. I know my dad stepped in (it was mainly his father) and tried to intervene esp. since it was b/w siblings, but things never really changed and we really just ended up distancing ourselves from them.
Good luck, it's a very difficult situation!
I would de-friend your SIL on FB or at least hide her status updates.
I think my MIL and FIL favor their grandson from their other son. I also think they favor his father over my husband. I'm not sure what it is, they just seem more like GRANDPARENTS to him, where they keep almost a polite distance from my dd. We got really upset with them when they came to visit the last time and I think it was a wakeup call to my dh.
I think a big part of the favoritism is that my BIL has always been one who needed bailing out or extra parenting. I think they're just used to swooping in for him, and almost try to buy his love. I think that feeling has been transferred to his son too. My dh has always done the right thing without being told. i spend a lot of time thinking about this because it seriously baffles me. My family is all but obsessed with my dd so it's hard to see my ILs near disinterest in her.
I agree with this. I hoped to have kids before SIL because I felt like inlaws would barely notice my kids compared to hers for this reason. (plus she's the only girl). She had them first, the first grandchild, and the first girl. They are definitely favored, but my inlaws aren't awful about it.
However, I am the only girl in my family and I think my mom favors my kids over my brother's. She spoils them rotten. My nieces are 10 and 15 so there is a big difference in age and maybe she spoiled them as much when they were babies. And, my brother isn't nearly as close with my mom as I am.
I never really felt that favoritism with my grandparents and not so much of my parents with my sibling and I. DS is the only grandchild right now so I don't see anything like that. My Aunts (my dad's sisters) did a very good job of showing us we were not favored with holiday and birthday gifts that did not compare to the expensive items my cousins got.
Though DH is MIL's favorite and DS is the favorite grandson along with my nephew. MIL has no favor for my nieces. I feel bad that my nieces see it as young as they are and I feel for them.
I will have to say it is no fun being the favorite. DH complains that my MIL calls too much and wants to be apart of our lives more often than not. She will not let DH grow up and has let him go at times. There are times she calls and asks how DS is doing and not even ask DH how he is doing.
I think MIL likes DS because he is a baby after all. I can only foresee that she won't like DS too much when he is a rebellious teenager. When DS is older he will not like her smothering acts.
I think we have this to some degree with DH's family, though not as blatantly and perhaps not with actual malice or consciousness of the unfairness.
Basically, SIL is a hot mess, so MIL and FIL basically have to step in and take their kids a lot of the time (lots of weekends, lots of babysitting, lots of sleepovers, etc.), while we don't acutally *need* them to bail us out 3x/week. So they end up spending a ton more time with SIL's kids. For a long time (long after he should have known and remembered them), DS1 treated MIL and FIL just like any other strangers.
The real kicker? My parents live 1000 miles away, and they see the boys via skype at least once/week. The ILs live 25 miles away and see the boys about once every 6-8 weeks. I'd love for them to see them more, but I can't really ask them to leave SIL's kids in crazytown just so we can have a babysitter.
Not to the extent that it's harmful or worth saying something, but yes, I do notice a difference between the level of attention that my parents give DD2 and what they give DD1.
They absolutely adore my toddler -- she's at an age where they can take her places and have fun, they have a relationship, she enjoys their company, and she just generally "gives" more and requires less maintenance than her baby sister.
Don't get me wrong, they hold DD2 and ooo and ahh over how cute she is and are obviously happy to have a second granddaughter, but it's still DD1 that they ask about first and have spent the bulk of their time & attention on during their visits since DD2 was born.
I'm pretty sure things will even out as DD2 gets older, though.
ETA: We have the only grandkids on my side, although if my sister marries the guy she's dating, it will add a 5-year-old step-grandson to the mix and it'll be interesting to see how that works out.
My ILs have a ton of grandkids, but half of them (including ours) live out of state, so I have no idea whether, or who, is their favorite.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Yes, her niece is her sister's daughter. They were living together for a while, becuase my SIL was 19 when she got pregnant and was living at home for a while. However, we make tons of effort to see the family as often as possible, and SIL chooses obviously to spend time with her sister rather then with me, so she is closer with my niece.
I completely understand why she's closer with her, but don't show it infront of my LO and don't announce it on facebook. I'll have to hide the comments if it keeps happening, because it boils my blood.
I think it's so hard becuase LO is the only grandson on my side and he's loved and spoiled sooo rotten and it's hard to go from that to DH's family. The difference is, when my mom/dad have more grand kids, I know they'll treat them all the same. (I have a sister not a brother, not sure if that would make a difference).
I do know that when my LO has kids, I will be just as close with them as if I have a daughter who has kids.
I couldn't imagine acting that way.
This is totally my MIL and FIL. My Nephews and Niece on my DHs side live with my ILs so they totally favor them and it is completely obvious. My MIL knows she does it and reasons with herself saying she feels sorry for her other grandchildren because the parents dont give them as much as DH and I give DS. Part of me understands this, but part of me does not. I am sure DS is going to be hurt. My DH gets hurt by MIL a lot because she does this with her children too. Both DHs brothers who live with MIL and FIL have always let mommy take care of everything so MIL does exactly that if they need money she gives it to them and so on.
We hardly see my ILs maybe once every 6 weeks and that is for a few hours and they only live 15 minutes from us. My MIIL and FIL have never watched DS or been alone with him for many other reasons.
It is sad but DS has a huge relationship with my parents and barely knows my ILs.