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Blended Families
MrsHershey
member
DH says that our child is a "redo"
MrsHershey
member
DH and I have decided not to find out the sex of our LO. I asked him what he wanted and why. He wants a boy so he can have a name sake (the 5th) and wants a girl as it would be his chance for a redo. Really?!?
DH currently has as DD that is 9. DH & the mom do not get along and he was unable to see her for the first 2 years of her life. We now get her for 6 weeks in the summer and over Christmas break. While the reletionship has gotten better, it's not like he would like it.
I understand where he is coming from as I do not have a reletionship with my biological father. However, I'm really hurt as I feel that this shouldn't have been his number one reason for wanting a girl. I just feel like DH wanted a baby because something he did with another woman didn't go the way he wanted it to, so now it's my job/ our LOs job to fix it.
Given that I'm extra hormonal I haven't said anything, but he knows something is upsetting me. Am I over reacting and should I say something? Thanks!
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Re: DH says that our child is a "redo"
There was a special awhile ago which stated that 60% of black children are born into single family homes. Given that all of my "DHs name" have always been born into a married family, I feel that it is a generational blessing (Opposite of a generational curse) and is something I don't want to break.
The question posed was regarding the redo, not the namesake as I'm fine with that and would be honored to have a child that is like my DH name and all.
Thanks! That's what I keep telling myself. He wants to be there for the birth and to be a bigger part of our child's life. I guess I just don't to think of our child as a redo or a replacement, but is here because of our love and our desire to have someone that is a part of both of us.
I didn't say our LO would be better, but there is a study that shows that children born out of wedlock are more prone to have children out of wedlock or become teenage moms. Anything I can do to break that cycle I will.
On that note, I'm going to ignore you now, as you seem to be someone who likes to stir things up. God Bless you!
I would definitely say something. If he doesn't know something's wrong, he might say it again without knowing it upsets you. Just say "even if you feel that way, maybe that thought needs to stay in your head"
I don't think he meant it that way, I kinda get what he means. We're summer parents and my DH misses a lot in SDs lives. If he and BM stayed together, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have 4 kids. He and I are planning to have two and he says he can't wait to go to sports games and plays and stuff. I know it's cause he doesn't feel like a "real" parent to SDs because he misses that but he can do it for our kids. I think your DH just verbalized it wrong but you should definitely tell him how you feel so he knows to avoid saying it again.
If he is anything like my H he didn't mean it like it sounded. There is also a big difference with seeing your children everyday in your home then having visitation. DH says he can't wait to have children in his home from birth to college like he didn't get to with the SK's. He doesn't mean anything bad by it or that his first children will be less his child or less important. Congrats on the LO!
BTW - Nothing is wrong with a name sake. If DH and I had a boy he would want a name sake which I would love to give him.
If this lo is a boy he will be Gregory the 4th, so I definately understand the pride that comes with being able to pass on another generation. My dh is the last male in his family so it is actually a pretty big deal.
But back to your issue, I don't think your dh meant what he said. He was probably trying to say that he looks forward to being able to do all the things that he missed with his 1st dd. Giving her baths, watching her roll over, say her first words, learning to walk...etc. It's like life is giving him a "do-over." I still believe it is important to talk to him though. You don't want to be angry at him over something so small & silly but at the same time I'm sure you don't want him saying that again.
Seriously, why do you have to be so rude? Is this not a board for support?
Say something about what is bothering you. He probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. Men are clueless, remember?
As for namesakes, I am a huge fan of them. In my family, my little brother is the IV. I wanted my son to have FI's first name, but FI didn't says he doesn't like his name. So who says you get to name your own kid. FI pretty much named ours.
I agree that your DH probably chose the wrong words and that isn't exactly what he ment. Find some time to sit down and talk to him about it. I know DH worked ALOT when SS was born and missed a lot of the things SS did when he was a baby, so when he was working a different job that allowed more time with his family when DS was born he was able to enjoy some of that time he missed with SS. He knows they are different children and I'm sure your DH isn't trying to replace your SD.
On to the name sake thing. Its your child if you want to name him after your DH name him after your DH. My brother is the III and he always said he wouldn't do that to his kids and name them the IV but after my grandfather and father died in the same year and he was the last David, he tune changed. Granted he still doesn't have kids of his own but he wants to name them David. Had he decided not to name his kids David my son would probably had that as his first name instead of as his middle name. My son is named after my husbands best friend who died suddenly 4 months before we got married and he is named after 3 special people in my life (my father, grandfather, and big brother). It means very much to me that he is able to share that with all of them.
This statement needs to be addressed. If he didn't mean it the way it sounded, then you need to explain to him how hurtful that statement can be to daughter #1 and future child to hear as well as how plain awful it sounds period.
If he did mean how it sounded, then I would worry about his attitude in general. If this baby has some sort of issues, will he want a redo with another woman?
I undertstand that you are trying to create a different legacy for your future child, but keep in mind that your DH's DD#1 can lead a prefectly productive life and not fall into your statistical research of what happens to little girls born to unwed mothers. Your DH needs to start a do over with that daughter now and he can break the cycle with love, support, financial assistance and education so that she desn't fall into what is seems like you are already planning for her. You can play a part in this as well.
Oh, and by the way many girls from intact families who have proper education, support, resources, and love.....get pregnant and many boys from these families are knocking them up.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. Give your kid his own freakin' identity. I'm sure your H isn't important enough to NEED a namesake.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I agree with the others who've stated that your DH probably just couldn't find the right words to say what he was thinking. My BF has stated before that he's excited to someday have kids of his 'own'. When asked to explain he says that he's excited to have children that live with him full time kids that he doesn't constantly have to worry about what the BM is going to do now to disrupt their relationship.
He loves his daughter just like any father and would walk over hot coals for her if need be but it's defininetely not a situation ( 3 months a year total visitation) he ever saw himself in and not one he particularly enjoys (Who can blame him?).
As far as the namesake thing. It's not my cup of tea but it's your child and if having him be a namesake is important and special to you than to hell with what anyone else thinks.