So, I'm a big jerk.

fellesferie · June 2010

When I married DH, I took his last name. DD has our last name. DS has exH's last name.

I was super unsure about changing my name because I didn't want it to be weird for DS. I didn't want him to feel different or left out. But... I did it anyway.

Now, over the last few weeks, we've had all of these conversations in which DS asks what everyone's first, middle, and last names are. When he realizes he's different, he gets upset and says he wants to be like us. Last time he cried about it.

My MIL was just visiting, and the conversation got replayed in her presence. She asked if we would maybe consider trying to hyphenate his name.

Ugh. I don't really know what to do, but it makes me feel like the worst mom on the planet.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

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NikkiJ19 · June 2010

Just remind him when it comes up that just because his last name isn't "yours" doesn't mean he isn't a part of the "yours" family. My oldest SD has her BM's last name and the other 3 kids have DH's (including me). This was good enough for her after we reminded her with love about 4 times when it came up.

mom2one · June 2010

This is why I hyphenated MY name...and it is always noted by DS that we are still the same.

fellesferie · June 2010

InternetExplorer:
hmmm, that's weird.

My kids don't have the same last name as me or Dh and it's never caused any upset feelings...

If you think he would feel better, change your name back?

I think it has to do with three of us being the same and him being different.

Maybe changing my name back or hyphenating it is what I need to do.

SWmama · June 2010

I hyphenated! I will warn you that it's a big PITA and most people are confused by the two last names. When I was working I had clients call me "Ms. L____, Ms. G____, whatever your name is!"

Is DS named after anyone in your family? If so you could tell him that he was named after Great Uncle so and so.

When my mother remarried she took my stepdad's last name. It never bothered me but I was 14 and had so many other things to complain about. Confused

allyandpat2010 · June 2010

My DD1 has my first husband's last name, while myself, her stepbrothers and her soon to be half sister all have my DH's last name. She's never mentioned it being an issue. I think just keep reassuring him that its just a name and he is still your son and how much you love him and how important he is to the family.

bebe11 · June 2010

I am sorry! I recently re-married and my daughter sometimes says she wants to be a *insert last name*. I did change my last name, I think it would of been odd to hypenate my last name I shared with my DD, as it was my ex's name, with my new husbands name. I'd just try not to bring attention to it, so she won't think about it. You are NOT a jerk for changing your name!

Ilumine · June 2010

You are not a big jerk. This same situation happens all of the time. And the age of the child can play a huge part in it.

I cannot remember, but is his father in the picture at all?

tlcondon · June 2010

My DD (6) has started the same conversation. My SS lives with us also, so she will ask what is everyones last name and what the baby's last name is going to be and I tell her. She says she wants to change her name to be the same as mine.. I just explained to her that she has her daddys last name and that daddy would be upset if she changed her last night to not be his. She is fine with the explanation, although Ive explained it a few times.

katecham · June 2010

Does your DS get to see his BF much (someone with the same last name)? My SD has our last name (DH and me), but her mom has remarried and she and her husband have a different last name. We both got married last year (us in August, BM and SD in October), so she talked about it a lot. She knows that she still has some family with her last name and that her mom is still her mom even though her last name is different.

romarie · June 2010

after I remarried my DD went through the same thing. She said she didn't feel like she was part of the family. I told her that a family is in your heart, not in your name, but she was SURE she wanted our new last name. Her father (my first DH) passed away so we decided to have DH adopt her. She was THRILLED!

As a parent, we never want our kids to feel like they aren't welcome and some kids just get it into their heads that if they aren't the same that they aren't a welcome part of the family. Which we all know isn't the case.

I don't see anything wrong with hyphenating. If it makes him feel like more a welcome part of the family...what's it going to hurt? It's a minimal cost to do so.

riabiron · June 2010

my sd has her mother's last name and we have to reassure her all the time that she is a ______ too.

fellesferie · June 2010

DS sees exH 5-6 times per year. His grandparents on that side come and pick him up, and then exH flies in and spends a few days with J. Then exH flies out and grandparents bring him back. ExH calls once or twice a month.

So, his biological father IS involved sort of. But he doesn't really parent.

I think we're just going to see whether this continues to come up. He's 5 and it's hard to tell what's a big deal to him. He does seem upset about it, but he also sometimes gets upset when his toy trains derail or he accidentally puts his shoe on the wrong foot.

If it does seem to be a real issue with him, we'll look into hyphenating his name or my name.. or both!

htomeo · June 2010

We have full guardianship of our 7yr old. (closest we could get to adoption)

Her legal last name, is the "Alias" last name her father was using when he was with birth mom. Well, we outed him in court, and birth mom still never changed her last name. Her older two siblings, are my husband's kids, so they have DH's last name. Now that DH and I are married I also have that last name. And now baby brother does too. She goes through a lot of identity issues, with not having the same last name as anyone.

Everywhere we sign her up, we give her our last name. We tell her she is "our last name" in heart. We always explain to the facility we sign her up with, the situation and what her legal last name is. But they always go along with us in calling her our last name out loud, just the "alias" last name on legal documents.

JThomas221 · June 2010

htomeo:

We have full guardianship of our 7yr old. (closest we could get to adoption)

Her legal last name, is the "Alias" last name her father was using when he was with birth mom. Well, we outed him in court, and birth mom still never changed her last name. Her older two siblings, are my husband's kids, so they have DH's last name. Now that DH and I are married I also have that last name. And now baby brother does too. She goes through a lot of identity issues, with not having the same last name as anyone.

Everywhere we sign her up, we give her our last name. We tell her she is "our last name" in heart. We always explain to the facility we sign her up with, the situation and what her legal last name is. But they always go along with us in calling her our last name out loud, just the "alias" last name on legal documents.

Please be careful when having your SD use a different last name. I used my mom's new married name as my last name through several years of my childhood. My legal name was different from hers, so when she signed me up for activities and even for school, she signed me up using her married name. When I tried to change everything back in high school and begin using my legal name, it was a HUGE PITA!!! Just be sure it's what your SD really wants, even if she's not legally changing anything.

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