- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Infertility
not a way to start the wkend-so angry at DH (long)
First I'll just say that I triggered this morning & DH & I are to have sex today & sunday, which really probably won't happen, a month worth of meds gone.
DH works at a club friday & saturday as their dj. Ok so he is working, he is not out on a guys night, he has a job to do, this I don't understand. So he gets home last night, hiccuping all the way down to the basement, stumbling around coz I was watching from midway down the steps. Trying to find the couch. So I say "whatever" go back upstairs & go to bed.
My ILs are here today having a garage sale in my driveway so I pull my truck out of the garage & park it & notice his car in the driveway, not locked all of his equipment still inside & PUKE all over the driver side inside & on the car seat. DISGUSTING. I start crying to his parents. I HATE THIS. I have told him numerous & numerous times I don't like when he gets this way. My dad died from alcohol, his dad got a DUI & his SIL got into a accident from drinking, you think he would learn.
So I wish I could have waited till sunday to trigger but I didn't. So like we are going to have sex today & tomorrow RIGHT, this is great-what a weekend already!!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: not a way to start the wkend-so angry at DH (long)
Oh gosh - I am so sorry hon. You must be furious! Is your dh awake, or is he still sleeping?
Maybe you can pull a Monica. (Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Chandler smokes and she is so mad but pretends she isn't so they can have sex b/c she's ovulating?)
But really, if I were you I would rip him a new one. His behavior was reckless and dangerous. He could have hurt himself or someone else (or worse). I am glad he is home safely.
(((((hugs)))))
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! I would be so angry/upset too. It is so scary that he drove that way. Thank god he made it home safely and didn't hurt himself or anyone else.
((hugs))
Oh he is snoring down in the basement & with that nasty breath it could peel the paint off the walls. It will be hard to be happy to have sex when I'm so mad at him. His excuse will go something like "man, I didn't have that much, wonder what happened" or "the guys brought me this one bad shot" or "those tacos for dinner prolly didn't help" or "it's been awhile since I've been that bad" *SMACK* whatever.
The only words out of his mouth (after a good teeth brushing) better be I'm sorry I was an a$$ and I'll never do it again!
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
PAIFW/SAIFW
DS1 born July 2002 (previous marriage).
TTC since Oct 08. DH Dx w/testicular cancer March 09.
MFI due to retrograde ejaculation/azoospermia.
5/2 IVF #1 cancelled due to large follie.
6/14 start Lupron for IVF #1.2. 6/22 start stims.
7/4 ER and Biopsy.
7/9 Transferred 2 (1-4BB and 1-3BB) embryos. 4 frosties.
7/15 +HPT 6dp5dt. 7/18 Beta #1: 193. 7/20 Beta #2: 415.
8/10 1st u/s - It's triplets!
I'm so sorry - but I agree 100% with this.
You shouldn't bring a baby into a house where someone is an alcoholic. And I'm sorry. It sounds like he's done this before (you know all of his excuses). And someone who has done this before, and drives drunk enough to puke all over his truck IS an alcoholic.
You both need help right now. Not a baby.
"Smudge's Story - How to Grow a Dandelion" will return soon!
The Dandelion Archive
"If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn."
I wouldn't call him an alcoholic. He does drink & that is only on Fri & Sats when he is working. I don't think it's funny at all nor do I think he needs rehab. Yes I know his excuses because we have been together for 9 years. It doesn't happen a lot and he knows how I feel on the situation. His mother was here & dad for their garage sale so his mom had said some words with him.
I know how alcoholics are, I have dealt with those situations a lot & along time in my life. I guess I don't like to drink nor get myself to that point so I don't understand why someone else would. I haven't talked to him about it today but I"m sure once everyone is gone there will be a discussion.
You can't say I shouldn't try for a baby because of this. It's not something that's not controlled. I know he knows he did wrong, it won't happen but I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a husband that gets sick after drinking. It shouldn't happen at all, I can't control him or watch him all night but it happens when I need him the most.
Google the term "binge drinking".
Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism. And drinking until sick IS binge drinking.
Your husband DOES need help. He could have KILLED someone last night OR himself.
The fact that he HAS excuses is a reason for concern.
Do you want to have to explain to your child why daddy's truck smells like vomit, why daddy is passed out snoring on the sofa... or why daddy is in jail, because NEXT time he won't be as lucky as he was last night, and he will kill someone?
You say he knows how you feel about it, and you say that you can't watch him all the time. He knows how you feel and does it anyway - and you shouldn't HAVE to watch him all the time.
If you want to bring a baby into that environment, that's entirely your decision. I would never.
"Smudge's Story - How to Grow a Dandelion" will return soon!
The Dandelion Archive
"If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn."
Lets see. Your husband is a habitual binge drinker and it has been going on for years. You and his family have tried to talk to him but he won't stop. He drives home drunk and pukes in his car. You have a history of alcoholism in your family and hated it.
AND trying to make a baby?
You are in complete denial and it his family is going right along with it.
What the hell, woman? You are married to an alcoholic who has no business having a child. He is going to end up in jail one day - and that would be the best case scenario.
You need to get some counseling, stat.
As for the people who said to go ahead and screw your husband this weekend: idiots.
Marrying an alcoholic to try and recreate your childhood and "fix it" by getting your husband (Daddy) to turn in to a non-drinking prince usually fails, my dear. But it is very common.
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the others. My dad who was a recovering alcoholic until the day he died always feared I would turn up like him. I often "scoffed" at him because I WAS a binge drinker and never thought it could become an issue. He once told me that if you can't stop drinking after two drinks, or drink to become drunk, you've got a problem.
Bringing a child into this world and raising it is hard work. You need your dh to be on board 24/7........not going out and tying one on...so what if he doesn't drink all.of.the.time.....now is not the time to try to bring a child into this world when he can't man up and take responsibility for himself before he can take that added responsibility of bringing a child into this world. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but IMO now is not a good time to try to get pg when you can't rely on your husband to not drink and drive and put his life and others at risk.
You are in complete denial.
Why are you prepared to live in a relationship where your husband repeatedly lets you down, breaks the law, endangers the life of himself and others, ruins your property and leave you sobbing to your inlaws?
Why are you prepared to give a child this father?
You feel let down because he was too drunk/hungover to have sex with you. Imagine how you're going to feel when after months of sleep deprivation (because that's how being a mother often goes) and having a sick or fretful baby, your husband is too hungover to be a Dad and a partner to you.
Imagine having a baby to look after: feed, change, rock, entertain whilst your husband snores on a couch reeking of alcohol.
Don't think that having a baby will change your husbands drinking "habit". It won't.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
The fact that you "know his excuses" because you've been together for nine years makes me think he has been making these excuses for a very, very long time. Which means this behavior is not getting any better on its own.
One does not have to drink daily to be an alcoholic. I would think that drinking to the point of sickness and then getting in a car and driving it, and throwing up in it but being so drunk that you don't care or don't clean it up would clearly indicate a drinking problem to you. Especially since it seems like this has happened more than once.
The PPs are right. This is not the time to have a baby. I know you want one, and I am sure your H does too, but do you really want to bring an innocent child into this situation? Do you feel like you could leave the baby with your H and trust him? Because if I was you, I'm not sure I'd leave my child with somebody this irresponsible.
I also second what the PPs said about explaining to you child why daddy is passed out, or in jail, or dead. Think about this like a mother, not a woman who wants a baby. You really don't want to raise your child in this situation do you?
Getting drunk and throwing up once every 10 years or so? Eh....it could happen. Getting drunk enough to throw up and DRIVING? Hell no. I don't care if he's done it 100 times or just this once (which it doesn't sound like.) It's too much, and he has a serious problem he needs to deal with.
If you want to put up with this (and by not demanding he get help or leaving him you are, in fact putting up with it!) that's on you, but you owe your future child more than this.
Look, you obviously love your future baby more than anything else in the world if you're willing to go through IF treatments for him or her. Don't you also love her enough that you want her to have a dad who DOESN'T pull this kind of crap (even if it's only "occasionally?") I'm sure you want to give her the very best. You're telling me a drunk driving dad who vomits in the car is the very best?
I hear every single person's comment & I took take all of it into consideration.
I lived with alcoholism, I had my own father & step fathers that were like how you all explained. I HATE IT & don't wish it on any family or any child. Im not making excuses for him, I know he was in the wrong totally & I'm very upset at him. Getting this sick happens about 1-2xs a year. Yes some ppl don't know how to control what they drink or when to stop. Self control & I'm sure its hard when you WORK in a bar & all your friends are there is difficult.
Drinking isn't something we argue about because it doesn't happen but when it does yes it hurts because I've been in accidents with my dad & driving when he was drunk & I know the outcome of that. I am afraid of getting that phone call & I've told him, it takes 1 DUI to ruin your life, I got 1 at age 17 & learned really quick.
He knows I've lived with alcohol my whole life & will not be married to one or deal with it. I won't have my children be brought up like that, I know first hand how it feels. I was blamed a lot for my dad's issues until he finally passed. I feel let down of course, I feel like he didn't think of others. It's scary. I'm sad. I don't know what to do other than ignore him or leave the house for awhile.
It does hurt me to think you ladies don't think I'm smart enough to understand what is going on. I simply put this up because yes its going to ruin our sex for the weekend that we need to have but it turned into "your dumb, blind & don't ever bring a child into this world". I'm sure all of our DHs are not innocent & have made mistakes but this one I guess tops the cake.
By the way, I find his behavior more troubling if he's, as you claim, NOT an alcoholic. See, if he was an alcoholic, I'd know exactly how to treat his disease. If he's not, that means he just willingly, knowingly, and without concern for anyone but himself CHOOSES to exercise terrible judgment.
There's no treatment for that.
It isn't a matter of not being smart. Lots of smart women make very, very foolish choices.
You need to figure out why you chose a man who has exactly the same issues as your father. Your DH is causing you to feel the same anxiety as your Dad - and he has done it over and over to you. Despite knowing how hurtful it is. He can't stop. And you can't stop giving him a free pass.
9 years of your life...........
I don't think this is about any of us thinking you are dumb. I think that when you're in the situation it is sometimes harder to see what is happening in front of you. Kind of the whole, "Missing the forest for the trees," thing.
This situation reeks of drinking problem. This behavior didn't happen for the first time last night, and I'm sure it didn't happen for the last either. Your H needs to seek alcohol-abuse treatment. That in and of itself is a big task. Combining that with the stress of IF treatments, or having a new baby or an exhausted wife just doesn't seem like the wisest decision to me. And I don't know a ton about IF treatment, but I am guessing that there is some type of schedule as to when you trigger, and your H is probably pretty aware of that schedule. If I was you, I don't think I'd be able to help but wonder if the debacle of last night had anything to do with the timing of your IF treatments. (I could be wrong about how it works, so if I am, forgive me.) It might also be time to give up the DJing gig at the bar since it seems to be a handy excuse for deplorable behavior.
I'm sure you'll make the decision that you think is the best, but I hope you are seriously considering the impact his behavior will have on your baby when you are weighing all your options.
I am so sad for you and so angry with your H. Choosing to drink & drive is one of the most horribly selfish choices a person can make.
Have you been to Al-Anon? You should go, now. You are still dealing with your dad and step-father's drinking and now with your H's as well.
You are making excuses for you H and that screams enabler. I understand that his drinking doesn't look just like your dad's but he has a problem. If he can't control his drinking, then he shouldn't drink, ever. Plenty of people work in environments like his without getting so drunk they are sick or getting behind the wheel.
Ignoring him will not make this problem go away. Do you really want to explain to your child that daddy is in prison for killing an innocent person? That may sound harsh, but that's a very real possibility.
I normally hate ultimatiums, but this situation calls for one. He gets help or you are gone.
Good luck.
I honestly have not spoken 1 word to him yet so I don't know his "story" yet. It's not ok, it's not fine to hear whatever excuse he has. I married him because he is a hard worker, great family man, loves children, loves me & will do what he can (i guess not stop drinking though!). I'm a good woman, I don't go out to the bars, I'm home when he gets home at night & yes I worry any night he works of the what ifs but if your DHs went out, you don't worry either?
There is defiantly a discussion that needs to happen tonight before he leaves again for work. I can repost that in the morning since he takes the laptop. I don't judge anyone of you & tell you NOT to have a child. This is my decision & yes I put this out here I guess opening to your comments. I stopped my relationship with my father at 16 since he couldn't get help. It was 11 years of nothing from him until he passed. I will NOT raise my child like how I was raised & he WILL be a great father, I know this. This is just one problem in our life we are dealing with, we are not all perfect.
So ultimately this comes down to him ruining his life, mine & the future child we may have & who is to say that we will ever have children. Maybe this is a sign that God doesn't want this for us right now because of the situation I'm dealing with. Basically if we don't get over this by sunday, my whole month of meds are shot, no luck!
Let me promise you that I am not judging you. I do, though, think you're missing the big picture here. Your latest response confuses me a bit. You say that when he's out with his buddies he gets caught up and can't control his drinking, and that's an alcoholic. Are you saying you think he's an alcoholic, or did I misread that? Also, yes, working in a bar seems like a really bad idea. I would start with that when you two talk about this.
When my H goes I out with his friends, YES, I absolutely worry. I worry that some drunk ass_hole will get in his car and drive down the road and kill MY husband. That's what I worry about. That's probably what most of us worry about. Simply put, that means that we are all worrying that men just like your husband will kill our husbands; the father's of our babies.
I hope that you do discuss this with him tonight, and I hope that you tell him that this needs to be his last night working in a bar.
Good luck to you -- please do keep us posted.
There is a difference between mistakes and mistakes that can kill other people. I don't think anyone is claiming to be perfect or to be married to the perfect person, I'm certainly not. I am saying that I don't do things that endanger my life or the life others, nor does my H.
I'm sorry, but this is one of those times when that bad 2% of the time outweighs the great 98% of the time. Have you seriously thought how you'd feel if he hurts himself or someone else?
In some parts of your posts you seem to understand how big this is, but then you are back to 'if we don't get over this by sunday'. This is a huge issue! What possible resolution do you see happening by tomorrow?
EVERY second of every day I trust my DH not to get loaded and put my children's lives and other people's lives at risk.
You are making so many excuses and at some level you must realize you are lying to yourself.
A good father doesn't make choices that put his family at significant risk. Your husband is.
You can't possibly be happy with your husband the way he is now. You are in love with the man you HOPE he will be some day. The dream.
Time for a reality check.
I'm sorry you feel as though you're being judged......we all get into situations in our lifetime where it is hard to see what others see on the outside. Do I worry about my dh's safety? Yes, but it's not from him going out and CHOOSING to drive drunk. I worry about other things, of other people choosing to be reckless with their lives and put my dh in harm's way. The biggest thing I fear is to tell my 4 y.o. and almost 2 y.o. and one on the way that their daddy is up in heaven especially if it was at the fault of someone's irresponsible behavior. I'm very blessed that my dh isn't into that type of scene anyway.
I've worked in the bar scene and truthfully that was one of my lowest points in my lifetime. It was always a party, since the alcohol was readily available. That is when I started binge drinking. I made many mistakes just like your dh's at that point of my life and I was only LUCKY that I didn't kill myself or others with my selfish behavior. It wasn't until YEARS later that I had my children and for that I am thankful that I didn't bring a child into my life when I was so reckless. I can now enjoy an occasional glass of wine without getting hammered and feeling the need to get drunk. I removed myself from toxic friends and situations who enabled my behaviors. Maybe this is something your dh needs to do. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best for you. Since you grew up with alcoholics in your family you know that the only person that can change their behaviors is the person themselves. No amount of talking or anything else will matter.
I think people are overstepping their bounds a little bit. She came here to vent, not be ridiculed. Did her hubby go too far, probably. But I don't think that gives any of us the right to tell her to leave him or that it was a mistake for her to "choose" him as her husband or that they have no right to bring a child into this world. I think we got a snippit of their lives together and that is all we should take it as and not pass judgment. We are here to support one another, not bring each other down.
I say talk to him and let him know your frustrations. Maybe his actions are a reaction to everything you as a couple are going through with your IF. Could be a good time to use this to bring everything full circle: struggles with IF, your family history of alcohol use, etc.
GL and I hope things work out for you.
So it's going to be OK when he does this and ruins, say, your child's birthday party because "it only happens a few times a year", right?
This in spades.
Look, my husband isn't perfect any more than the rest of these people's are. (Hell, my husband was self-medicating w/ alcohol and 'script drugs a few years ago. I've been pretty open about it on thenest/bump/knot.)
But there's a difference between reprodocuing/staying with someone/enabling imperfect to wahtever degree and someone who is a complete ass.
Your husband, if he had killed someone last night, I wouldn't hesitate to label 'murderer'. The only reason he did NOT kill someone last night is luck. So, no, I don't really put this in the same category as someone imperfect--hell, I don't even put this in the same category as reproducing w/ JimBob the jobless wonder. This is more like knowing your husband is Tony Soprano and not caring.
And yeah, having to put things on hold because of life sucks a LOT (see above re: husband's issues--yeah, that was in the middle of TTC and I got to put things back on hold in spite of the IF stuff). And it's both time and $ and heartache and meds down the drain--but it's still the best choice. I had to say "I love my future child enough to hold off until we're in a better place for him/her to exist and I know my husband has dealt w/ his daemons enough to be the father I know he can be (instead of the man he is right now)". And that sure as shooting ain't easy (and was made harder by the fact that we did both want to continue. And it would have been even harder if I was in the middle of treatment). But I hope you can be strong enough to say that right now.
I would really really recomend you getting yourself to an al-anon type group in your area (if you can't find alanon, try celebrate recover and/or adult children of alcoholics). I can almost promise that if you look, yoiu can find one that meets today or tomorrow--they tend to have daily meetings.
https://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html