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Maryland Babies
Cooper81
member
Dynamics of parenting?
Cooper81
member
DH just forwarded an email his mom sent him asking if it would be ok if next Friday John played hookie from DC and spent the day with her. He asked me if I would be ok with it too. I was thinking about it and if the situation were reversed; if my mom had requested the same of me; I would have told my mom sure, it's fine, and then just told DH that was what was going to happen next week. Knowing him, he would just be like "ok, sounds great." I never would have thought to ask him if he was ok with it, and it wouldn't have bothered DH. There have been other instances where DH defers decisions about John to me. I never really thought about it before, but it's kind of like I have the final say when it comes to John. I don't know how I feel about that, but I don't really like it.
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Re: Dynamics of parenting?
I think that's pretty normal. I'm "in charge" of Ella for lack of a better word - I'm the one who knows what's going on and will make arrangements - even if I don't do everything. i.e. - I knew that Ella needed a doctor's appointment and scheduled it to meet my schedule, I took her and prepared for it. I discussed it w/ DH before and after, but it was my "task." If for some reason, I couldn't take care of it, he would have, but I wold have had to tell him to do it.
This is something I think about pretty much on a daily basis. For example, earlier in the week I was picking out which solids DD would eat over the course of the week, making sure that she had 1 veg and 1 fruit, 1 of which would be at daycare and 1 at home, while making sure that new foods were at home only, etc.
So, when I realized that DH probably wouldn't have even though to do that, I basically explained to him what I was doing and why. Not sure if he retained all of the info, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
I'd say the only DD-related task that is exculsively mine, or the only one that only I think about, it baths. I keep track of bath days since she doesn't get one every day, and I actually bathe her. Occasionally he'll get the tub ready and then drain it and take it back to the bathroom while I'm getting her dressed, but's it's mostly me.
The only thing he does exclusively is wash all of the bottles at night and then prepare them every morning. Everything else is pretty much 60 me/40 him, but to me that's okay since he does 99% of the dog stuff.
I also wanted to add that part of the reason I'd like parenting to be as 50/50 as possible is because of what I've observed in DH's family. I've always known that his mom does 90% of all work at home, even though she works full time and FIL doesn't work at all during the week, but since Nora was born it's become even more clear. It's pretty obvious that FIL did pretty much nothing related to his kids when they were little, or if he did, he hasn't retained any knowledge of children. It's like he's a clueless fumbling idiot when it comes to Nora. Even though I know DH isn't like his dad, it still scares the crap out of me that he might end up that way.
MIL is always making comments to about DH being a "modern dad" because he schedules and goes to her doctor appointments and takes days off of work when she's sick, etc., but to me those things should be expected of both parents. I realize it's a generational thing, but it still pisses me off.
Another example: MIL made it clear to me that she had plenty of vacation time so if I needed help during my leave, she could take time off to help me out. I never needed her help, so I never asked (although I probably should have humored her for a day or so). This week Nora got a fever, and DH and I were both slammed at work. DH asked MIL if she would mind watching Nora because we were really in a bind. She said no, and that she couln't understand why it was so difficult for me-- not him-- to take a day off. I know I can't change the fact that she doesn't agree with me working, but we thought we could count on her in a pinch and it really makes me sad that we can't. And she's the one who complains that she doesn't see Nora enough! She could have said that she was too busy at work or something (which we totally would have understood), but to object because she viewed it as my responsibility makes me sad.
Sorry, I think I may have hijacked your post.
Wow, this sounds familiar. DH gets this at work. He works with a lot of old school older men whose wives all SAH (past tense-kids are grown) and these guys have never done so much as change a diaper. They seem to be amazed that he and I alternate taking days off to stay home with Sean when he is sick. Even though we both work full time-wtf? I hope I never have to meet them in person because I will probably say something rude.
Ok, that's just awful she couldn't step up and help you when you actually needed help. I'm pretty concious about the 50/50 parenting too, but not b/c MIL did most of the parenting. DH was brought up in a house that was almost 50/50 too, I just think it's important to share responsiblites. Plus we are a two career household, we both work equally as hard so to me it's imporant that we shoulder the responsiblity at home. I know it wont always be 50/50, but I like to make sure it's pretty close.
Like you too DH does 90% of the dog stuff now, he takes the dogs for their long walk in the morning and at night while I'm pumping, but that might change once I stop, who knows.
But the more I think about it, I think a lot of the stuff falls to me because I just know more about it. Like you I'm the one who "decides" when to try new things with John like foods, or when he needs to change sizes, stuff like that. I had a lot of experience with babies prior so in general I just know more about babies.
oh, and to respond to the original post....we really try to be 50/50. But honestly, I end up doing the majority. I plan his menus and pack up food for daycare, prepare his bottles, give him his baths, and get him ready in the mornings since DH is out the door at 5 am. DH picks him up most days and then plays with him until I get home from work. I feed him dinner, I was putting him to bed every night too, and then staying up to wash pump parts etc which sucked. Now that we have just finished weaning and I retired the pump I do have more free time. But I just said one day to DH "Hey-we are going to take turns putting him to bed from now on". I didn't want Sean to become dependent on mommy putting him to bed every night and freak out if Daddy had to do it.
And I take him to almost all his doctor appts, we have gone to a few together, either when he was really sick or was really little, but I feel like if I don't go he won't ask important questions since I am the one doing most of the feeding, etc. And yes, I realize I let things become this way but I am trying to change it, slowly.
We are pretty much 50/50 in parenting Annabelle. Now their will be times when DH will ask me if we have plans, or what are our plans for this day for the baby. We hardly ever cross that bridge where MIL will ask for Annabelle to play hooking because she's not really involved in our lives. It's sad really. She has three grandchildren now, and has probably seen Annabelle about 10 times. Yes, maybe the issues is that she lives 45 minutes away, or maybe the issues is that she never calls us. Anyway, back to the question. DH does a ton for Annabelle, more then most dad's. I know his dad was kind of hands on, but being that DH was Annabelle's daycare provider for 4 plus months. He will get up and feed her during the night, make all the bottles and when I'm not there he will bath her too. He's a wonderful dad and parent. Although now I take Annabelle to all of her appointments just because of DH work schedule.