Found out DH may have to go...(kinda long)
It's still quite a ways away, so I know it's going to change at least thirty more times before they even leave and even then its not set in stone, but we found out that when my DH's unit deploys he might be going with them.
I mean DH volunteered so if they do say yes DH will be excited and I'd be happy for him. Don't get me wrong by no means do I want him to go, the last deployment he was on sucked big time, but I would understand that he wants to deploy one final time before he got out.
What I'm a little upset about is that last time he deployed, he was sitting behind a desk pushing papers, watching tv shows and movies on computers, you know not really doing anything to stressful. And he was annoyed every time we talked. He was very short tempered and never sounded even the slightest bit excited when we would finally get to talk on the phone. He stopped calling me for awhile and would only call his mom and tell his mom to tell me that he was okay. I'm not perfect or saying im innocent of any wrong doing. DH stopped calling me because when he asked me if i had been working out and losing weight for our big honeymoon we never had trip, I told him the truth that no I had actually gained weight (this was something I was extremely embarrassed to tell him) and he flipped a gasket.
DH wasn't even excited to see me at homecoming, he walked over to the truck put his bags in the back and walked off to get a beer without saying anything to me except "will you unlock the truck?" . It took us a really long time to get back to normal.
I just keep thinking if it got that bad before when he had a blow off job how's it going to be this time where he's actually out there, doing something? Not to mention the added stress of missing out on DS's life.
Did anyone have something similar to this... a really bad experience relationship wise during the first deployment (and a little after homecoming) and then a "good" (or at least not bad) experience for a second
ETA: Sorry I meant to add that he was able to email, not anything consistently but during that period that I wasn't getting phone calls I still got two or three emails.
Re: Found out DH may have to go...(kinda long)
DH and I have had two good deployments - as good as any deployment can be :P We had our ups and downs and certainly our difficult moments, but nothing like you describe. So I cannot exactly relate. However, I would like to offer a bit of advice. Why don't the two of you go to a chaplain or counselor on base before he goes? Not for counseling in the sense of trying to fix something that is wrong, but counseling that can give you both communication tools to help make the deployment a successful one for both of you. I think that if you both learn ways of communicating better (for your husband, that means he doesn't route information through his mother because that is so disrespectful to you; for you, it might mean that you are more understanding and patient when he calls you and is in a bad mood for something occurring downrange) then you'll start the deployment off on the right foot and perhaps, you'll never get to a place where things are so bad. Good luck. I wish you all the best.
Ditto this. You didn't deserve that, and if he does it this time, I would not want to accept it. Your DC shouldn't see you treated like that. Children learn what they see.
I strongly agree with PP that suggested counseling.
Has he ever apologized for his azzholeyness?
I feel like something is missing here. Why wouldn't he call you during the deployment? His mom had to tell you he was okay? How did this ever get resolved?
Why would you support his deploying, why is he volunteering if you all almost lost your marraige over it?
I am not going to judge your DH based on something that happened, the two of you resolved and have worked through. People do shiity stuff - even husbands and wives. I am sure his issue was with you not sticking to your goals and that frustrating him more so than what you looked like. JMO.
I would say that if you want this deployment to be different work on a communicatin plan. Since you BOTH know he is not a big talker and it doesn't go well. Talk once a week to check in. Neither one of you will be worried about when or how often to talk... takes the stress off.
Finally, if you are giong to make any kind of goals for this deployment make them small enough to reach and space them out. For example, if you are going to make a fitness goal. Start out with "I'm going to work out 2 x a week for the next two weeks. Then go write it on the calendar. Once you've achieved that up your goal to three times a week.
Good Luck!!! Hopefully this one will be better for you.
This is a really good idea. Thank you. I hadn't thought about going to the chaplain for advice...
I'll reply to these together. I'm not making excuses for him, but I am taking responsibility that some of the issues from the first deployment were my fault.
The weight loss thing I think was like another poster said. He was annoyed that I had made a goal and then slacked on it. It wasn't necessarily that I had gained weight (heck I gained it when pregnant and he never said a word and loves me just the same) that and he was annoyed that I wasn't sending very many pictures because of my embarrassment.
As for homecoming... yea that was him being a TOTAL d!ckhead. He's not a very big PDA type person, and his buddy, who's wife left him during the deployment, was moving in with us and so he was there. These are my husbands excuses. But I don't buy them. My husband may not like public displays but a simple hug and kiss and an "I missed you" wouldn't have been excessive, and he could have had his friend go on ahead to get his drink and DH could have stayed behind for a minute if that made him more comfortable. The Homecoming thing we finally just dropped, he did apologize though but... I don't know it still hurts my feelings.
I'm certainly not going to call your husband a d*ckhead based off of behavior that occurred during and after being deployed to a combat zone. I agree that you didn't deserve to be treated that way, but I don't think it's indicative of your husband's entire character.
Strange things happen to a man's psyche when he's deployed. They don't have to be under enemy fire to be under a great deal of stress. During one of DH's deployments it seemed like every week one of his Marines was dealing with betrayal on the home front. I could tell it was having an effect on him even though there was absolutely no threat to our marriage. It can be hard to continue to think rationally under those conditions. I know one guy in the unit was referred to mental health because he had convinced himself that his wife was cheating on him simply based off of what was happening to other guys. Also, my good friend deployed and somehow was stuck at a desk job. He was used to being operational and it chapped his arse to just fill out paperwork when his buddies were coming back with, well, war stories. It really had an effect on how he saw himself as a man and as a Marine. He even avoided calling his wife because he was ashamed that he wasn't going to have the same amount of medals as the other husbands in their work and social group. Warped thinking, yes, but it was his reality at the time. Additionally, you don't for certain what happened over there. You only know what he has been willing to tell you.
Have you ever talked to him about that deployment and told him how it made you feel for him to call his mom instead of you? He may have stopped calling you because he was embarrassed by how he reacted when you told him you had gained weight. He may have been avoiding the stress and awkwardness of the next conversation (and the fact that there is very little privacy when making calls). I don't want to sound as though I'm making excuses for his behavior. It's just not as cut and dry as some people seem to think. I know I have to be really mindful when DH calls to keep things light. There never seems to be enough time to say what you want in the right way so I save certain things for emails.
I would definitely try to talk some things out before he leaves at a time when you are both calm and collected. Let him know, whether it was his intention or not, that you were hurt by some of his actions and you would like to know what can be done differently for the next time.
I don't support the deployment, Im supporting him. It's been two years (it will be three by the time he would go again) since the other deployment, and we have talked about it and we think we know where we went wrong and what we can do to fix it.
As for the mom calls, I meant to put that he could send emails occasionally in the original post. So even when he wasn't calling me i still got a few emails. My MIL is kind of an AW so since I was getting emails from him to let me know he was okay but not phone calls it rubbed me the wrong way that she would call me bragging that he just called her and he said to tell me he's fine. This really just could have been her trying to rub it in. She is definitely that kind of person. While he was deployed she starting talking crap about me to him, telling him that I was a b!tch who was being mean to her... (the eye roll smiley goes here but my browser wont let me do smileys I guess)
As for resolved, like i said we talked about it (a LOT) and figured out where we went wrong. That was the first deployment for both of us, and neither of us really knew what to expect. I didn't keep busy, I stayed home all the time because I didn't want to miss an email, and I didnt want to miss a call, and I wanted to make him feel as comfortable as possible so I didn;t go out with friends (since two of his buddies wives cheated and asked for divorces while their guys were deployed) so that he could focus on his job instead of where I was... This wasn't good because then I went stir crazy, so instead of one of us having a level head we were both a little tightly wound...
I'm glad to hear things are better, and that he was still emailing when not calling, that is better than no communication as I thought.
I hope you all can talk about things ahead of this deployment and it goes much better. I still think it is a great idea about counseling.
I still stand by the fact that you don't deserve how he treated you on the first deployment. I hope it goes better this time, but if not, you shouldn't put up with it.
Good luck!
Thank you
This is what we had pretty well decided on when we talked in length about how everything went during the deployment. We feel that we have discussed and talked about everything enough that we won't be making the same mistakes. And I told him that if he does go we will also be having a sit down to let his mother know what is and is not appropriate during the deployment.
Yeah my husband really is a great guy, i mean he has his moments like anybody but the way he acted during deployment is NOTHING like he has ever been before or since.
And yea I know that this was part of his annoyed voice every time we talked. He was surrounded by guys who were fighting with their wives, and girlfriends and i think it impacted the way he talked to me.
We had back to back deployments. By the time I deployed, we'd spent six months communicating via email, with a phone call once a month. I deployed and had phone access. I was frustrated, I was tired, I was sick of missing my husband. I was a biitch to him. I had to tell him a few times I needed to not call home for a few days because talking to him and hearing him whine made me angry. He'd say something assinine and I couldn't control my temper.
We each started going to counseling. I took anger management classes. We've never gone to marriage counseling, but we each go to counseling on our own. It's saved our marriage, without a doubt. He needed someone to whine to about how stressed out he was, and I needed a place to cry because I had to be tough all.the.time and I was freaking scared. Get counseling. Even if it's not together, and even if he won't go by himself. I still go for help with my communication skills. You have nothing to lose by going to counseling.
I want to thank all of you for responding and I think there were some really good points made.
However I would like to add (I don't want there to be confusion on this one point) that when I said we have a great marriage I did mean it. This November will mark our 5th year wedding anniversary and our 6th year together. My husband has been AD Marine Corps the entire time, and we spent the first year dating with him in California and me in South Texas.
In that entire 6 years together we had one "bump" in the road. Yes we fight like any other couple but we talk about it, apologize, and make up. During the deployment (when stress was running high) we couldn't do that, but we did it when he got back. It took a few more talks than normal, but we did it. This August makes two years since the deployment and we are extremely happy.
My original post was venting about the previous deployment, but asking if anyone had experienced a similar situation (maybe not as extreme as ours) but learned from their mistakes and went on to have a less stressful second deployment.
But like i said I really do appreciate the input, and I have talked to my husband about counseling in the past because I feel like I could benefit from having someone to talk to that wasn't biased, and didn't know who I was talking about.