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Adoption
"In a perfect world every home has a dog and every dog has a loving home."
www.animalrescueneworleans.org
Telling people you are adopting
My husband and I were at a wedding this weekend with a lot of old friends and everyone was asking when we are going to have a child/if we want to have a child. As I said in my initial post, we just found out DH cannot have children and we just started the adoption journey. When we told people we have decided to adopt, we got some strange looks and some even thought we were joking until I said no, we are in fact going to adopt. I do not feel it is necessary to go into all of the personal details of why we cannot have our own child but I was a bit surprised at the reaction we were getting. Our families and close friends know our situation but I just do not feel the need to go into heavy details with everyone.
Thoughts?
"In a perfect world every home has a dog and every dog has a loving home."
www.animalrescueneworleans.org
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Telling people you are adopting
I have found that, as it is with anything child-related, you'll get the full range of responses from people. We are just barely starting the adoption journey after dealing with IF for over 2 years, and there are still some family members who have no idea we've been trying. We know that they're the ones who'd give us negative comments.
I'm still worried about how some of them are going to react to "we are adopting". There are a lot of misconceptions out there, and some people feel the need to tell you every horror story they've heard.
Even my mom, who is very supportive of us adopting, has a strong negative visceral response to people who are fostering. I think she's heard way too many stories of children who've had to go back to horrible homes, bad foster parents, or children with serious emotional issues. While we don't plan to foster-adopt, I know people who do plan on it, and I can't help but get defensive every time she gets upset.
No one knew we were dealing with IVF except family and a few friends. It was the same when we started talking about adoption. The funny thing is that when we adopted Ben we had to stay in another state for 10 days and when we got home my dad had put a big baby bottle balloon on our mailbox. It was one of those adoptions where we got the call and then next day we had the baby in our arms. It was church night so everyone who drove by saw it.
No one asked us about our journey. Everyone was just happy that we adopted a beautiful baby boy.
I feel that you can tell who you want as much as you want and leave it at that. There will be some people who don't "get it" and don't understand and you will hear some hurtful comments, but just remember that you are doing what's right for you and adoption is the path that will make you and your DH parents!
There are only 3 people in our family who know we are going through IF issues. 2 of them I know would be very supportive - I' not sure about the third.
I don't really think it is anyone's business. Whether we have a child on our own or adopt - that baby will still be our child. How s/he gets here is just logistics.
It still baffles me how people think that it is even remotely acceptable to pry into someone's personal life when they are experiencing IF or adopting. I have been given so much crappy "advice" in the last couple years that it makes me want to
My husband and I are adopting without first TTC. We get the same questions, and usually respond by telling them that we have always wanted to adopt. Depending on the person asking, the conversation either ends there, or we delve more deeply into the specifics of our family-building choices with them.
I agree with all the above posters who said to decide how much you are willing to share, and stick to it. This is just the beginning of many intrusive questions you will get throughout your lives. I wish we could access some of the old posts, because there was one about a month or so back about how to respond to many of the invasive questions adoptive families are often assaulted with.
I know what you mean. Mostly people have been supportive of us. Some know our journey and others don't. However, we have had a few that have said 'why?' when we told them and a couple who said 'oh, you can't produce?' EXCUSE ME?!?! My DH and I came up with a 'party line' so to speak, much like CS, we tell people the truth that we've always wanted to adopt and whether we conceive babies or not in the future is really not the point. It's been right up there with the 'just relax' advice that many of us have heard and loved...
But as much as those responses take some of the wind out of our sails, we just return to the fact that this is our family building choice and that the child out there who is meant for us, will be OUR baby.
I agree with you that you do not need to go into great detail with everyone, and in fact you shouldn't. Choose carefully those who you wish to let into that part of your lives because you are not obligated. When DH and I were TTC and before we began our adoption process we had numerous 'so, when are you going to have a baby?' comments from people who did not need to be let into that part of our lives. Finally we came up with a response and just said 'why do you ask?'. It was our polite way of giving them a warning that it was a potentially rude question but also giving them the freedom if they were just wondering if we wanted kids in the future and the conversation could end there. I think that the same can be said with this We will all likely experience our share of ignorant questions but some of them are coming from an innocent - although immature - place and others need to be put back into their place
Thanks for the great responses! I guess some people just do not realize how hurtful or invasive some of their questions can because they have not had to deal with infertility. People just assume that because you have been married for a certain amount of time that you should automatically have a child. Great concept yet life doesn't always work that way:)
Have a great afternoon!!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
April 2011 CP @ 5 weeks
I just wanted to add that you shouldn't feel pressured to telling anyone about what you are doing before you are ready. Often, when people asked us about having kids, and we wanted to get the point across, we'd ask them an equally invasive question. Or we'd smile coyly and say something like, "you'll be the first to know" or "wouldn't you like to know?"
We sometimes still deflect these questions, because we haven't told everyone we're adopting yet. Until we were homestudy approved, we didn't tell anyone but family and our references. Once we crossed that milestone, we started letting others in on our secret--but there are still many people who don't know--especially at my husband's work. We will give them all ample notice, but we just don't want it interfering with our careers right now, and we know we'll get sick of the "any news?" question real quick!
You would be amazed what people say, ask, or think is their right to know.
And it is just as bad, if not worse when your child finds you.
I look at it as a way to educate people, and if they are still negative or inappropriate, then they are not people we need in our lives anyway. They lose out because they're missing a great kid and a great family.
Many people just don't know (especially when you bring up adoption), and aren't sure what to say or how to say it. That's where you work with them. Some are just hurtful, and they are the ones to forget about.
What I always suggest is decide what you want to share and stick with it. Don't feel pressured to tell more- it's what YOU want and are comfortable with.
Worst case, if someone really starts getting bad about it, ask them how long it took to conceive their child, and what position they were in when they did it to ensure success.
That'll get them. heh.
oh, and my favorite line if you are having TTTC or haven't announced your adoption plans yet-
"we're in rehersals, we'll let you know when it's time for the show".