Best friend, baby shower drama (vent) long

mommashannon · June 2010

OK, so my best friend and I have been through A LOT through the last 12 years. My best friend has a 1 year old son, who is also DH and I's Godson. So she text me asking when the baby shower was about a month or so ago, and I told her August 21st. I also told her that I was sorry, but this was a "grown-up" baby shower with no children aloud. My best friend lives in NC, I live in VA (about 5 hours away). So I told her that DH MIGHT be able to watch her son while we were at the baby shower but nothing had bed set in stone yet.

Well today, I hadn't heard anything else from her. She doesn't ever check on me or anything with my pregnancy. So today I text her and ask her if she's bringing her son, because DH decided that he would show up to part of the baby shower to open presents with me. I told her that, the response I got was, "I won't be able to come then." I was soo upset. I mean I'm hurt. When my best friend had her son I went down to NC, when my DH and I did NOT have a lot of money. We bought her her PnP, stroller, baby album, onsies, paci's, diapers EVERYTHING!! And that's the response I get. I feel like more than 2 months is more than enough time to get a babysitter for her son (all her family is there). Am I being ridiculous?

mlc92404 · June 2010

She doesn't have anyone (her DH) to leave her LO with so she can come to the shower?

arpetree1 · June 2010

She has had plenty of time to find a sitter.

Beth823 · June 2010

I'm planning my sil's Wedding shower and I put on the invites not to bring small children because we will be near a pool. As a mother of a toddler, I would jump at the chance to leave DD with DH! I took her to a wedding shower a few months ago and OMG! It was awful running after her the whole time. At one point she grabbed the buzzer in the middle of the game and ruined that round. No one was mean or anything about it, but I was really embarrassed that I brought her. I think it would be different if the child was an infant.

MJN9510 · June 2010

Its so frustrating when you give more than you get in a friendship and its not about the gifts. But you are saying that she hasnt really taken much of an interest in your pregnancy which is frustrating. if she is your best friend, you would think she would be checking in on you and wanting updates. As far as her not coming because your DH cant watch her son...that is crazy! i mean, its YOUR day and if your DH wants to be there, than thats better yet. But you would think she would make an effort to find other babysitter options to be sure she doesnt miss your shower, or at least tell you if she has tried everyone and nobody can watch her DS. Personally, i wouldnt mind if she brought her DS to the shower if that is the only way she will be able to make it.

mlc92404 · June 2010

If she has someone she can leave her LO with (like her DH or something) thats one thing. If she doesnt then I think you are being a little unreasonable. We were invited to a wedding out of state (we would have had to fly and stay at least one night) and DH wasn't invited. This wasnt a best friend but a very close friend. We could not go and she completely understood. As for the gift situation, you didnt have to buy all that stuff for her (especially if you didnt have the money for it) and you shouldn't expect her to buy something equivalent in value for your shower (and even if she doesnt attend, that doesnt mean she wont get you something)

denise_m · June 2010

I personally do not attend baby showers that I cannot bring dd to.

It is totally your call to have a "grown-up" shower just as it is her call to decide that she would rather not attend with out her kid.

Hell, most the time, I won't even attend weddings where she isn't invited. I'm big on the "family" unit thing and believe that certain events should be celebrated as a family. I'm not willing to exclude a member of my family for an event.

It doesn't sound like she's being rude about it, just telling you she can't make it.

denise_m · June 2010

And seriously, you traveled 5 hours WITHOUT a child. You're asking her to leave her child for a minimum of 10 hours, just in driving time.

It honestly sounds like she was offended that you decided that the kid that mattered enough for you to drive so far to meet and spoil so much isn't good enough to go to your shower. That's probably why she has been giving you space.

Andreaduffy281 · June 2010

PEOPLE WAS FUNNY ABOUT THEIR KIDS! WE ASKED NO CHILDREN AT OUR WEDDINGSSINF AND TO THIS DAY I SWEAR MY AUNT DIDNT COME FROM THAT REASON! I PERSONALLY THINK CERTAIN EVENTS ARENT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! AND I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT WILL CHANGE AFTER I HAVE A CHILD!

Mrs.Johns · June 2010

denise_m:
I personally do not attend baby showers that I cannot bring dd to.
It is totally your call to have a "grown-up" shower just as it is her call to decide that she would rather not attend with out her kid.
Hell, most the time, I won't even attend weddings where she isn't invited. I'm big on the "family" unit thing and believe that certain events should be celebrated as a family. I'm not willing to exclude a member of my family for an event.
It doesn't sound like she's being rude about it, just telling you she can't make it.

I agree. Also, you didn't have to go crazy buying her all that stuff for her shower if you were broke. Lastly, I agree with PP that 10 hours is a long time to ask someone to watch a one year old... and that doesn't even count the time she would be at the shower.

If you really want her to come then let her bring her son. I don't see the big deal.

triplea1819 · June 2010

why cant she leave her son with her husband? make it a girls day/night with you? can you try and suggest that to her?

and YES there are events that are NOT kid friendly or entire family friendly. That is ridiculous to say you will not attend something your kids were not invited too.. If you do that, do you ever go on date nights, or ever leave your children, EVER?

Mrslove78 · June 2010

I don't understand why her LO isn't aloud. I would be offended. It would feel like a personal attack. I wouldn't go either, not even if it were to my sister?s shower. If my LO isn't aloud, neither am I.

Mrslove78 · June 2010

denise_m:

And seriously, you traveled 5 hours WITHOUT a child. You're asking her to leave her child for a minimum of 10 hours, just in driving time.

It honestly sounds like she was offended that you decided that the kid that mattered enough for you to drive so far to meet and spoil so much isn't good enough to go to your shower. That's probably why she has been giving you space.

Well said!

c.sholun · June 2010

I know luckily I have helpful family members who will babysit for me if I ask in advance, but not everyone does, you seem to have known her for a long time, does her family strike you as helpful? My very good friends mother is wonderful to talk with, but has babysat for her 3 times in her daughters 7 yrs of life. Just ask your friend straight out if she has asked everyone she could because you reeeally want her there, if she has, maybe make an exception for her. And I would feel hurt that she wasen't "involved" more in my pregnancy too, but its hard for some people to manage a social life and a small child, she might be overwelmed. I'm not saying its an excuse for not calling, but it might be part of the reason behind it.

redheadgirl127 · June 2010

I have no opinion but please everyone, it's spelled ALLOWED, not aloud.

angelnumber8 · June 2010

I personally would not leave my 1 rd old for that length of time. Being that she would be a min. of 10 hrs away is alot to ask. What if something should happen during that time and she was not there thats one heck of a drive to get back home. So yes I am sorry but you are being a little inrasonable. You might just feel the same way after your Lo is born. Its hard to leave little ones.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · June 2010

Eh...she's being pouty and probably using her kid as an excuse. Sounds like she didn't get her way and now is moping about it. Pretty immature in my book....that's of course if this is how she is actually feeling. Why don't you call her and not text here. I hate texting, it's so impersonal.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · June 2010

redheadgirl127:
I have no opinion but please everyone, it's spelled ALLOWED, not aloud.

Not to be the grammar police but I was thinking the same thing.

OctoberBabyH · June 2010

Sounds like you were there for her during everything (including her pregnancy and shower) and now that she is her LO around, it's a big fvck you to you. Nice! Really classy! I hate fairweather friends. I say forget her then. She isn't worth your time or energy obviously, since you don't seem to mean as much to her. I know it hurts, but better to sever ties now than to drag it out and waste more time/energy on her, right?

jennykimmel · June 2010

I don't really get having a baby shower without kids. It's a baby shower - it's all about celebrating babies! I had kids to my wedding, bridal shower and will have all five nieces and nephews at my baby shower. I think you should let her bring her LO if you really want her there. Finding a babysitter in a different state doesn't sound easy.

azsheena · June 2010

We ran into this with our wedding. We were the last ones of our friends to get married and many of them had kids under 3 at the time. We actually had someone say to us "well, if your wedding is boring, we can play with the babies." That is what convinced my husband. He was like "it is our day, not the day for everyone to show off their kids." So, we decided no kids under 5 (except the ring bearer). Most of our friends weren't planning on bringing the kids anyway and looking forward to a night out. We did have two sets of friends who were appalled. I was so torn, because inviting a few could turn into 12 kids under 3 but I wanted the friends there. Someone said to me "Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter." One couple came and got a sitter and the other's wife stayed home with the 2 year old while the husband came. It was stressful at the time, but it all worked out!

Oh yeah- the couple who came (who made a bigger stink than the other couple) sheepishly asked us to babysit a few months later so they could go to an adults only wedding. We did.

FlyingCake · June 2010

She's probably offended, since she's your best friend. But I also agree, that it's your shower, your day and you can request adults only if you please. I'm doing a women only tea party theme shower and stating adults only. I think that baby showers are to celebrate the baby to be, not everyone's babies.

Junebride2be2 · June 2010

Lurker here......I have to agree 10+ hours is a lot to ask somebody leaving her child. Especially if it's her first. With my first, I couldn't bear to leave dd with anybody, especially that length of time. It wasn't until she was almost two and able to communicate that I felt comfortable enough leaving her alone. A lot has changed for me since then; I am now on my way to having my 3rd child so it is quite different then the first.

I'm sorry you think your friend doesn't seem to want to be involved; I'm sure she would love to help celebrate the new life you're bringing into this world, but she does have a child.....not saying hat a phone call every once in awhile isn't nice, but she is busy now with a life of her own. I never truly understood that until I started having children.....I was single, most of my friends had kids and for the life of me I couldn't understand why they couldn't pick up a phone. Now I am in their shoes, and while my intentions are there, the phone calls just don't happen. The MINUTE I get on the phone all hell breaks loose and there just is no point to having a conversation. I also have to agree, you shouldn't have gone all out if you couldn't afford to buy her gifts. Maybe she is hurting financially and just can't afford to go all out like you did with her.

ajcoghill · June 2010

I agree that some events are for adults only and some are okay to bring children to. I would imagine baby showers would be child friendly but honestly I've never been to one where there was a child. IMO I don't think she should be upset unless there is more to the story that I am unaware of. Does she have anyone to watch her child while she is gone?

monkeyqueen · June 2010

#1. 10 hours minimum is a long time to leave baby with someone other than family. Does she not have reliable family close by to babysit or her DH (if she has one)? Or does her DH work on weekends?

#2. If she doesn't have someone nearby to babysit, than she is not being unreasonable.

#3. Not everyone has the luxury of having babysitters that you would trust for extended periods of time. I do, but I count myself as very lucky.

#4. I understand wanting grown-up only showers, it's totally your perogative. However, with grown-up only showers/parties it's a given that some people with young children may not be able to attend or will make the choice to not attend because they don't have reliable sitters. It's not necessarily a slight to you. I strongly suggest an actual phone call and heart to heart. Come right and ask if she's offended and if she can possibly find alternative babysitters. Or, really, can the baby not come when your DH attends the shower? He won't be there the whole time and is it really that big of a deal if a one year old is there for a bit at the end of the shower?

mommashannon · June 2010

First off, my best friend is a single mom. However, yes her family is very willing to help her. As a matter of a fact, her mom watches her son every other weekend for her so she can get her "self" time. So yes I feel like that is reasonable even though it is 10 hours away. Secondly, I have someone that could watch her son however it's not only about the baby shower. I haven't seen most of my family that is coming in YEARS so I am also worried about having to skip out early on everything because her son has to go to bed or something. I COMPLETELY understand that she might not want to leave her son, it's far and all. But if she can leave him with her mom every weekend for "her" time I feel like it's just unreasonable not to come.

I have been to baby showers where kids were "allowed" (excuse me, the person who felt it was necessary to correct me) and they are just a mess. I feel like I have a say so. And also, this shower will be at my parents house where there isn't a whole lot of room anyway and to bring children would just add to the already crowded rooms.

Also, I wasn't meaning to say I bought her all this stuff so she needs to do the same for me. And I do apologize if it came off that way. I meant I just went out on a limb drove 5 hours WITH MY STEP-SON (who was 2 at the time) and DH just to do all this stuff. I don't care if she brings me sh!t, I just want her there for me.

JaimeCH · June 2010

I too think you are being a little ridiculous. It seems like you are comparing apples to oranges in terms of your situations and baby showers. I'm sure she was considering it when it was possible that she had your DH as a sitter because she wouldn't have to be far from her son, but I think with the distance she has to travel it is asking a lot to leave her son at home (since I sense that the father isn't involved here). I definitely think there is a time and place for adult only events, but I would think that you could make an exception for your "best friend".

Also, saying that this is the response you get after you gave her EVERYTHING at her shower is pretty petty. Did you buy her all those gifts to get something in return??

denise_m · June 2010

But, how long is her "me" time and how far is she? There's a HUGE difference between her being in the same town, gone for a few hours and being gone for the entire day.

On the opposite spectrum, I've been to baby showers that have had TONS of kids, and they've all gone really well. Maybe I have friends who watch their kids better? Who knows. It is absolutely your call and you're the only one that can make that decision, but the decision (and really, either way) have consequences.

And lastly, so you took your step son? Why not just leave him with someone for you to go down there? That is the ONLY way it's kinda the same.

mommashannon · June 2010

JaimeCH:
I too think you are being a little ridiculous. It seems like you are comparing apples to oranges in terms of your situations and baby showers. I'm sure she was considering it when it was possible that she had your DH as a sitter because she wouldn't have to be far from her son, but I think with the distance she has to travel it is asking a lot to leave her son at home (since I sense that the father isn't involved here). I definitely think there is a time and place for adult only events, but I would think that you could make an exception for your "best friend".
Also, saying that this is the response you get after you gave her EVERYTHING at her shower is pretty petty. Did you buy her all those gifts to get something in return?

It wasn't a baby shower. She didn't have a baby shower. I just did it because I am her best friend. Also, see my pp. (last paragraph)

mommashannon · June 2010

denise_m:
But, how long is her "me" time and how far is she? There's a HUGE difference between her being in the same town, gone for a few hours and being gone for the entire day.
On the opposite spectrum, I've been to baby showers that have had TONS of kids, and they've all gone really well. Maybe I have friends who watch their kids better? Who knows. It is absolutely your call and you're the only one that can make that decision, but the decision (and really, either way) have consequences.
And lastly, so you took your step son? Why not just leave him with someone for you to go down there? That is the ONLY way it's kinda the same.

her "me" time is all weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. She's gone a couple hours away to visit her friend that was 2 hours away. Look I get that coming 5 hours away is far. But if he is with his grandmother what is the big deal??? Will she NEVER be able to leave town, when she gets married will she never be able to go on a honeymoon? I mean am I crazy or do married people with children actually leave their children every once in a while to do something for themselves?

Yes I took my step son because it was our weekend with him, and I asked first because I would have went down the next weekend.

I feel like I'm needing to defend myself to you, like this situation hits home a little??

cndmexbaby · June 2010

So some of you are worried that small children will steal your thunder and take away the spotlight from you? I find that childish. I would not exclude children from anything, but then I am an elementary teacher.

I wouldn't be very impressed if my best friend told me I couldn't bring my one year old to her baby shower, especially being that far away. I really don't see how that would be a problem. It's not a wine tasting.

Why would you be so extremely supportive of someone's pregnancy and then when the kid is actually around decide you don't want them there?

jennykimmel · June 2010

In response to OP second post, which I didn't want to quote because it was long:

First, did you tell her you have someone to watch her son (whom I assume you and she could trust) and she won't come?

Second, if the kid gets tired and wants to go to bed or gets cranky and starts screaming that won't end the party for you, just for her. She will just have to leave and put the kid to bed.

Third, yes, kids are messy, they are loud and they can ruin things. I'm planning on my life getting a lot messier and louder with LO comes around.

Also, you haven't mentioned what your host thinks about this. Is she the one who doesn't want kids, because if so obviously you can't have kids, no matter how you feel. It's not really up to you then anyway and you can tell your friend that (not that I agree with that stance). Then maybe she won't be mad at you, if she is mad at you for excluding her child.

denise_m · June 2010

You don't need to defend yourself to anyone on a message board.

Honestly, I couldn't care less if she goes, doesn't go, takes her kid, doesn't take him, buys you a gift or gives you a used back of condoms. Seriously.

You posted a question and asked for advice. I'm really sorry that not everyone agrees with you and is pointing out another side of the possible story.

I always love when people don't like the answers so they go on and on with more information in the story to try and make their side more presentable.

And seriously, if you were my bff, had a shower that didn't allow kids, I would simply RSVP no and move on it with. No hard feelings, end of story.

faith194 · June 2010

You are allowed to throw the party the way you want to(I've never been to a baby shower that was child-free, nor have there ever been any issues with babies/kids running around).

She is allowed to feel slighted. Maybe she was excited to have her child around, as she celebrates your child. I dunno.

Do not compare her weekends away to your baby shower. Five hours is HUGE compared to two, especially with a one year old. It doesn't matter how often she does it, nor should that make you angry she can't make it to your party. Sorry. This doesn't compute to me.

ChelMcQ · June 2010

I understand and would also be disappointed that one of my close friends wouldn't be able to come to my shower.

However, I really think a year from now, when you're the one being invited places without child, you're going to feel a lot differently.

mommashannon · June 2010

So some people agree with me and some don't. I just want her to be invested with my pregnancy as I was with her's. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I am not that kind of person. This situation just really got to me. Thanks for the opinions.

denise_m · June 2010

mommashannon:
So some people agree with me and some don't. I just want her to be invested with my pregnancy as I was with her's. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I am not that kind of person. This situation just really got to me. Thanks for the opinions.

Have you tried calling her and telling her that? Maybe she's been waiting for you to call her and talk about the pregnancy? Maybe she assumes that because your dh won't watch her kid it isn't that big of a deal to you whether or not she goes.

Unfortunately, speculation leads us no where but hurt and confused. Nip it in the bud, if she's your best friend, she wouldn't mind a call from you to discuss it. If she isn't willing to talk about it, cut your losses

Kimee13 · June 2010

Not directly answering your question, but I'm so over parents thinking their children are welcome EVERYWHERE and that they are better parents because of it. If they are invited, I don't mind at all, however, it amazes me how many people bring them to weddings/showers when they weren't specifially invited. Do I hate children? Absolutely not, but I'm a believer in having "adult" time and we will be partaking in it, along with "adult" only vacations after LO is born. However, we are very fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents who are already fighting over babysitting so that makes it so much easier.

ammagin · June 2010

I think it's your choice to not have kids at the shower if that's how you want it to be. It is then her choice as a guest to choose whether or not she attends. Are any others traveling that distance? If I chose to come to a shower without my child and one young child comes from out of state I would understand why an exception was made. One other option to consider is to find another babysitter for her if DH can't do it (or have him bring the child for the opening presents part). Ultimately every decision has a consequence. You chose no children and she chose not to come. It's normal to be disappointed but that's her choice based on your choice--don't remain upset over it for too long. And hopefully that same is true for her--disappointment is natural but hopefully she won't stay upset for too long.

stephanieroyer · June 2010

i personally think your being a bit selfish. you chose to have a no kids allowed shower, so deal with the fact that people who have kids and dont want to leave them for 10+ hours wont be coming..best friend or not. if it means that much to you for her to be there, then bend your rule and allow her kid. i'd be offended if i

stephanieroyer · June 2010

i personally think your being a bit selfish. you chose to have a no kids allowed shower, so deal with the fact that people who have kids and dont want to leave them for 10+ hours wont be coming..best friend or not. if it means that much to you for her to be there, then bend your rule and allow her kid. i'd be offended if i w

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