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Success after IF
Working mom's do you get annoyed....(rant sorry kinda long)
When a SAHM tells you that you are lucky to get a break during the day from your kids?
I find it extraordinarily annoying, my day is hectic from the moment I wake til the moment my head hits the pillow in the evening.
I never get a break I wake get myself dressed for work while DH gets DS ready for daycare, then I fix breakfast, after breakfast I get DS into the car then spend an hour commuting before I drop DS off at daycare then another half hour to my job. I then spend another 8 hours working (this is not a break) after that I commute a half hour to DS daycare to pick him up and by this point he is tired grumpy and uncooperative (understandable) so getting him into the car is a nightmare.
Then I go home praying all the way home that I remembered to defrost dinner so it won't take me forever to cook. Sadly DS spends more time watching TV in the evening since I have to cook dinner than he does with me. Bath time and then maybe if there is enough time before bedtime DS and I will do some kind of activity together, but more often than not there is no time because he is grumpy and ready for bed.
Once he goes to bed DH who just got home eats his dinner and then does dishes for me while I prep lunches for the next day, do laundry (if it needs to be done) and lay out mine and DS clothes for the next day.
I spend all weekend cooking next week?s meals so my family can eat healthy non processed foods. Very rarely do we just get to spend the weekend together because the whole weekend is spent running errands and prepping for the next week.
There is no sleeping in, drinking coffee and waiting for my child to wake up every morning throughout the week; there is no housecleaning or taking a nap while my child naps during the week. There is never a break my break comes when I go to sleep every night.
I work because I have to provide for my family and I am so sick and tired of hearing from SAHM's who think I get a break by being a working mom. I barely see my son who I worked long and hard to conceive, I am missing so many moments with him. I don't get to go to play dates with my son, I don't get to watch him make friends and play with other children the daycare workers get to do these things and it breaks my heart every freaking day of my life.
Yes I recognize that being a SAHM is not easy and this is not directed towards anyone here in particular it is just a general attitude I have observed in the general public at large.
Being a working mom is not the break that everybody thinks it is, it is basically working two full time jobs all the time. SAHM imagine adding an 8-10 hour job outside of the home to everything you already do at home, you tell me does it seem like a break when you think about it or imagine it?!
Please the next time you think to say to a working mom that she is getting a break step back and think about this post before you say it.
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Re: Working mom's do you get annoyed....(rant sorry kinda long)
I don't have an outside baby yet but I pretty much feel the same way. My days can get crazy and I don't have a baby - I cannot imagine how it is going to be when we add Kate into the mix.
I'm sorry you keep hearing this - it has got to get frustrating/ old.
I also getting annoyed... I hate that I have to work and would give anything to be able to be with DD all day! I am so looking forward to DS arriving in the fall and having a year at home with them both! I am so looking forward to going down to just one full time Mommy/Wife job for a bit!
I am lucky enough to work from home- but I am up in my office all day, not downstairs with DD.
You know, now that I read my reply, it sounded rude and insensitive, and it's not how I intended to sound at all. I figured I'd best delete it.
Kudos for being a great mom!
As a teacher - I get be a working mom and a SAHM part of the year. I completely understand where you are coming from. My BFF always says how jealous she is of me that I get to spend time with my LOs during the summer - and I do know that I am very lucky. However, I think that being a mom is hard no matter what your circumstance and all mom's get frustrated. I feel guilty when I think that I would rather go to work some days than be home - but I think that it is all just a natural response to the hardest job anyone can have - being a parent.
You have every right to be frustrated, but I think every active mom feels like they never stop. In my opinion - all moms are superheroes.
I am sorry you hear that from people. I think this age old debate is one that will always have two sides. It would be nice if women could all just understand that each job, SAH, or working outside of the home are difficult in their own way, and that we all do the best we can. I do not know many SAH moms who sleep in, or drink coffee waiting for the kids to wake.
In our home, SAH with the kids IS my 10 hour a day full time job, and if I get some laundry done in there, that is a bonus. There is little room for regular household chores when caring for and keeping safe a two year old and 7 month old.
Your day sounds hectic and busy, and I am sure it looks greener to be able to spend that time with your child, and not worry about $$. On the other side, working out of the home could provide me with some adult interaction that is much needed, but the cost for us for daycare would make working out of the home cost money in the end. We never do not worry about $$
Sorry to rant as well!
My original point is that you job is hard both at work and at home, and SAH moms have difficulties too. There is no comparison to the two as they are so different other than both want the best for their children, and would do anything for them.
100% annoyed about.
I get to "SAHM" in the summer (because I'm a teacher.....) and I do think being a SAHM is a VERY difficult job....AND....I do need a break.
BUT....yes, I get totally annoyed about this.
I am a teacher who has 150 students in her face all.day.long. I have parent e-mails and phone calls constantly and I get 25 minutes for lunch (of which I have to eat in the building b/c its not enough time to run out and get something....).
I do have friends (I won't say what industry b/c I don't want to be flamed and/or make assumptions....), who have more "cushy" type jobs. They have a lot of flexibility (i.e. when they come in, when they leave, working from home, etc) and they can take 1-1.5 hour lunch breaks if they want.
Again, EVERY job has its advantages and disadvantages, but my job is not a break in any way......
A lot of people assume that my job is so easy b/c I get the summers off and that ticks me off more than anything......
I'm right there with you. Raising kid(s) is no easy task, but it's all worth it. My husband works from home, and I work outside the home. When I get home, my husband hands me my son, while he gets work done. I usually just let the housework go until the weekends to that I can spend as much time as possible with my son. When you're both working, I think the important thing is for both parents to take a role in the cooking and cleaning. This is not the 50's anymore.
I work and enjoy working and am not certain I'd want to stay at home. However, having said that, my work is NOT a break, it is just different work than taking care of my children. I would love to have more time to take them to play groups, the zoo, etc. and I sure could use some extra time to make dinner, do laundry, run errands, etc. I can certainly understand your frustration if people you know consider your job a break.
I give you credit for making your dinners on the weekend. Every once in a while I go on a cooking spree and freeze a ton of things but not often enough! I think I sometimes use my working during the week as a reason to cut back on other chores (can't quite recall the last time my house was dusted................)
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
I can see how you would get frustrated with people saying that, but I think the way you describe a SAHM is also a little skewed. In my house there is no napping when she naps, that is my only time to do any housework. There is no coffee and relaxing before the kids get up since they are up at 6:30 (except for the infant who is up every 3 hours around the clock). and MY only break is when I go to sleep at night as well.
I think this is a matter of "the grass is always greener" and you can't really say one is easier or harder than the other. They both have the challenges and perks.
E
I know not all SAHM do this but I see plenty posting wondering if they should wake their little one for the day or not. I can garanutee you that I would be one of those moms if I were at home with DS because we have to wake him every single day.
I agree but I have yet to find the perk to being a working mom, I don't find my job cushy or a break at all.
I also wanted to say that my income doesn't provide my family with a cushy lifestyle, all my incomes provides is a means to pay the monthly bills and daycare which comes in at a whopping $1300 month.
I can't remember the last time I took myself out shopping, got a pedicure, massage etc etc my pay keeps us afloat.
Same here. This is the reason I work PT. We NEED my PT income to pay bills. We don't go shopping or anything else that requires money. The only things we will do is going to the zoo and the children's museum. The reason I can do those is because we have a pass that I can get in for free (we bought them discounted through DH's work).
1. I have never said anything like that to anyone but I do see plenty of moms on the 12-24 board posting about waiting for their kids to wake up.
2. Read through the entire thread
This. I think most of the posts regarding waking the baby up are for younger babies who might be on a reverse cycle. We certainly don't get time to sleep in or have coffee in the mornings, and my house is a wreck constantly because the second I clean it up (if I get the chance), DD has her toys out again. I don't nap when she naps, I get chores done or I make dinner early or whatever.
I think it may be more your job than the working mom side of things.....While my job is by no means a 'break', it is a change from being with the kids all the time. It's a challenge that I love, it's a shift in gears from watching Yo Gabba Gabba, it's peeing in private without 2 toddlers watching ;-)
We definitely don't have a 'cushy' life, but it sounds like SOMETHING has to give for you to not go insane. Why doesn't your DH do the laundry or help cook on weekends. Have you thought about a girls trip to super suppers or one of those sorts of places rather than spending all weekend cooking? Life isn't going to get easier, but you need to find a way to enjoy the days with your DS as they do go quickly...and you'll look back and remember the good times and not how much laundry you got done or how clean the house was, etc.
This is from a SAHM: I don't envy you. I give any mom who works outside of caring for their LO (whether WAHM or at a place of employment) MAJOR credit. I don't know how you do it ALL, working and still being responsible for all the other things. I know that just being home, taking care of DD, and the things around the house is tiring, but I do get time for myself...at night after DD has gone to bed.
I don't think any mom has it easier than others (we all have kids and homes and families right?), but a working mom has a whole 'nother life and element to deal with in addition.
ETA: I just wanted to elaborate on what my free time consists of...that's when I get to mow the lawn, do laundry, try and clean the house, cook, take care of the garden (we grow some of our own food) and animals. Before DD we would play games and watch TV and go to bed by 10 or so, now it's 11 and we don't have the time to sit and watch TV or do non-sense.
I think the resentment is on both sides (from some): Some working moms think the SAHM is a cush job, and some SAHMs think working is easier. Neither are easier, just different.
Again, I do think that being a working mom is a phenomenally hard job.
Your day sounds pretty much like mine..except add a nursing co-sleeping high needs toddler to the mix.
I understand that being a WM and SAHM can both be very tough jobs, but for me the difference is that no matter how hard of a job SAHM can be, you still get to spend that priceless time with your LO...time that a WM cannot get and will lose forever because we can't get it back. Even if you are working hard in your home, you are still there with your LO. I think this is why I have held on to nursing and co-sleeping for so long.
The best solution for me would be to work part time. Working part time is different from working full time.
It breaks my heart when I get home so late that DD is just ready to go to bed. I'm usually just stressing out over what needs to get done or what we are going to have for dinner (I too want to limit the amount of junk) and I can go crazy.
The other day my SIL was saying how her friends daughter's LO is on such a great schedule, they do all sorts of stuff together, mommy and me classes, parks, museums, play dates, baby yoga and I just got soooooooooo upset. Yes, I'm happy for that SAHM but boy would I love just a little piece of her life. So all I said to SIL was "Its nice she can afford to stay home and do all those thing with her daughter, if we could live off DH's schedule we would probably be doing the same stuff" DH's job could probably sustain us all but it is not a secure job and that means mama has to work.
Maybe it is a bit of the grass is always greener but I would give anything to spend more time with DD..she is growing up so fast and I am missing so much. The weekends just don't cut if for me
I've done both -- worked full-time, and have been a "SAHM" (kind of!) in the summer. Honestly neither one is easy -- both are really full-time jobs without a break. There are benefits and drawbacks to both, and while they are very different, they are both stressful at times, frustrating at times, and rewarding at times. The grass is always greener, I think.
ETA: I also wanted to add that I think job satisfaction has a lot to do with this as well. My job is very chaotic and stressful at times, but I love it. When daycare is factored in, I end up bringing home very little, but I do it because I enjoy it. There were days when Ava was super cranky that I have to admit, I was grateful to go to work. Now that I have three little ones at home under 2, I am sure that I will actually be anxious to return to work in the fall.
I've been on both sides of the fence, and neither job is easy, and both jobs carry their own perks.
I completely appreciate how hard it is to be a working mother. And I took early retirement to stay home, because that was what was best for us.
That said, someone else complains about certain drawbacks to staying at home, I think that's legitimate. Just like no matter how hard we try to get pregnant, and there are still women struggling with IF, it is okay to complain about morning sickness.
I, for one, wouldn't mind an opportunity to take a 'break' from full time mothering to, say, go pee without a helper there unrolling the TP and flushing the toilet 3 times, or a chance to eat one meal without getting up 7 times to deal with LO and having her eat things off my plate, but those complaints don't mean I think working moms are getting some great break while they are working.
I've never had a SAHM say anything of the sort to me. If they did I might get annoyed, but I might also interpret them to mean that by working I get a break from the constant energy required to watch a baby, not a break in general. I miss him immensely when I'm at work but even with a very high stress/demanding job, it's less physically taxing and exhausting to be at work than at home (I'm home with him one day a week on my own so can make the comparison). I also wouldn't want to be a SAHM - I might prefer a job with fewer demands or stress (and fewer hours) than the one I'm currently in, but I think we're both happier with me at work, because it's important to me to work and he thrives at daycare.
I can understand your stress levels and the feeling like you have no time for you, but even when I was home with him on maternity leave, I didn't have any more "me" time than I do now.
This! At least when I'm working I have to shower every day and get dressed, so I find ways to carve out that time. Now that I'm home for the summer, I think I manage a shower every other day. And doing my hair and makeup? Maybe once a week to go to Target.
This! At least when I'm working I have to shower every day and get dressed, so I find ways to carve out that time. Now that I'm home for the summer, I think I manage a shower every other day. And doing my hair and makeup? Maybe once a week to go to Target.
Very well said!
Coming from a SAHM I understand that where you coming forom. I really can't imainge being a full time working mother. It must be very difficult to find time to get things done and I would feel terrible about not spenidng a lot of time with my boys. I would never ever consider working a "break" by any means. I think the best of both worlds woudl be to wokr part time adn I would love to tdo that if I had some family close by who could watch them while I worked otherwise there woudl be no point.
Having said all that being a SAHM is very difficult too but not for the reasons of getting things done. To me it is because it is pretty lonely, isolating and I must admist boring. I mean really how many hours a day can you play with toys?? I'm hoping it gets better as the boys get older adn we can do more stuff but I do miss interacting with other adults and generally having an idenitity outside of being a mom if that makes sense.
I hope you can find a balance to your life. It does sound very stressful and busy. IS going part time an option?
very well said indeed but I still would like to be able to do these things:
"ETA: I just wanted to elaborate on what my free time consists of...that's when I get to mow the lawn, do laundry, try and clean the house, cook, take care of the garden (we grow some of our own food) and animals."
and spend more time with DD
I have a feeling both sides can go on and on about pros and cons
:::coming out of lurkdom::::I love the "conversations" you guys have, very thought provoking.
I find it funny how touchy this subject is. IMO, Takyelgif was not bashing SAHMs. Her point was not to re-open the always ongoing contest of "who has it harder". While her statement about drinking coffee and waiting for the kid to wake up obviously hit a few nerves, she already explained why she said it (hearing about it on the 12-24 month board). She's not trying to say her life is harder than a SAHM's. But she is bothered by something and she is sharing and seeking support from other WMs. All my friends are SAHMs and one in particular likes to throw jabs at me about WMs bc I, hopefully, will be a WM soon. She has even gone on as far to say that WMs work so they can "get away" from the pressures of raising their own kids. Once we decided we wanted to adopt, she started making comments about how it is even more important to SAH instead of taking the "easy way out" and working.
I don't understand why saying how hard it is to work and be a mom is taken as some kind of cheap shot at SAHMs. I've come to the conclusion that my friend is always pissed off at WMs bc she in fact is self conscious in some way about her own life. (This is just my opinion about my friend). Like she needs to justify to herself (by repeatedly telling me about it) why she is a SAHM when they always have to take $$$ support from her parents. I don't really care what she or anyone else does, as I'm not responsible for their bills and no one else is responsible for mine. I just wish that WM's didn't get such a bad rap. I get so tired of my friend telling me that "SAH is really what's best for the child". Thankfully, I know that not all SAHMs feel this way.
Thank you Auburnbride I appreciate that you took the time to see what I was trying to say.
I um kinda give the side eye to your friend I don't view my work as an escape at all I hurt everyday dropping DS off because all i want to do is take him home and be a full time mom to him. I hate being a working mom and for your friend to think the way she thinks is maddening to me.
I think what confounds me the most is why some of you stay friends with people who treat you like crap?
Honestly? I don't get it.
If someone repeatedly knocked my sytle of parenting because I was a working Mom, and you can't have a civilized conversations with this friend, or agree to disagree, what in the world is the point of staying in contact with this person?
Yea her comments have really been hurtful and just plain ignorant, IMO. I stopped seeing her often because it was always a a comparison of our lives. Same friend who said that if her and her DH had had trouble conceiving, she would have skipped treatments and went right to adoption. Her comments come out of no where too, so random. That's why I think she feels the need to justify her life to herself. Like she is trying to make herself feel better. She's also NEVER had a real, honest, M-F all day job either. What has always baffled me is she knows how much I want a baby and knows every step of our journey, yet she makes these snide remarks like I am going to be pushing our kid out of the car at daycare, big smile on my face and speed away, without looking back. It will kill me. Every second. But it is what will be best for our family, until/if it is not best anymore, then things will change. I sometimes get the feeling that being a WM is either looked at with anger/resentment/judgment or pity. Sometimes people just see things in black and white.
Oh for me these aren't friends saying this although I do have a couple of co-workers who are constantly commenting on the "breaks" I get by coming to work. I also see it a lot on several different mom's boards (not just the bump)
I thought you said it was SAHMs who said this to you. If they're your coworkers, aren't they by definition working?
I've come to that realization lately!! I've tried to give our friends the benefit of the doubt, and through IF, we pretty much isolated ourselves. I guess we are just incredibly unlucky in the friend department. At least in our town-- our best, honest and sincere friends live 3 hours away.
We haven't seen this couple in a long time, and now usually my contact with her is through black berry messenger. She tries to pull me into debates all the time, about working, about politics, etc. I think soon we won't have anything at all to do with each other. They are our second set of friends that can't get past the judging/comparing/pissing contest who we have separated from. Sad really, how petty people are.
For Takyelgif, it's SAHMs on other boards. And I'm guessing her coworkers are not parents, but have the outlook that parents who work do so to "get away" from their kids.