Pretty sure DH hates me...

VampyAuthor · May 2010

He won't talk to me, won't hold Brylee. I'm trying so hard to cry or get upset and I really can't help it at this point. Brylee is fussing with her reflux and I have no idea what to do. I don't know why DH is so cranky.

DeeandBrad · May 2010

I am sorry you are going through this. I bet it is so stressful to be a new mommy especially with a LO that has reflux problems and not have DH support. Maybe your DH is having a hard time adjusting to all of the life changes. It seems like right after a baby is born couples are on a high but after weeks of little to no sleep and the realization that life will never be the same it can cause stress on the relationship. I would just try to plan an evening out for you and DH to help you reconnect and allow you to have a stress free evening. It would be even better if your LO could spend the night with her grandparents so you can both get a good night sleep.

I hope everything gets better. I hope your LO gets feeling better.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

DeeandBrad:

I am sorry you are going through this. I bet it is so stressful to be a new mommy especially with a LO that has reflux problems and not have DH support. Maybe your DH is having a hard time adjusting to all of the life changes. It seems like right after a baby is born couples are on a high but after weeks of little to no sleep and the realization that life will never be the same it can cause stress on the relationship. I would just try to plan an evening out for you and DH to help you reconnect and allow you to have a stress free evening. It would be even better if your LO could spend the night with her grandparents so you can both get a good night sleep.

I hope everything gets better. I hope your LO gets feeling better.

Her grandparents are in Minnesota and Ohio.

But, thank you I do appreciate it.

lmpdjc · May 2010

I'm sorry H is being a jerk! Does he treat you this way often? I would try to talk to him and find out what his problem is. Even if he is angry with you, that doesn't give him the right to refuse to help with the baby!

VampyAuthor · May 2010

lmpdjc:
I'm sorry H is being a jerk! Does he treat you this way often? I would try to talk to him and find out what his problem is. Even if he is angry with you, that doesn't give him the right to refuse to help with the baby!

He didn't before. I don't know what happened over the course of a week and a half. He won't even talk to me.

I just went and sat in front of him and told him to if he truly loved me, he'd meet me up stairs. I'd planned on going for a drive around base see if he'd talk to me.

DASHSKIDADDLE · May 2010

I'm sorry! My DH did the same thing a few weeks ago too when DD was very fussy...he apologized the next day. Hopefully yours does too,,,

Keep your chin up!!

VampyAuthor · May 2010

DASHSKIDADDLE:

I'm sorry! My DH did the same thing a few weeks ago too when DD was very fussy...he apologized the next day. Hopefully yours does too,,,

Keep your chin up!!

It's hard right now. I'm tired, I'm sad and he never came up to talk to me, even after what I said to him.

MCC1010 · May 2010

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

MCC1010:

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

I tried that earlier and nothing. I've asked him to sit and talk to me. I've tried everything and anything I could think of. He won't look at me, won't even open his mouth. I asked him to hold Brylee and he moves me out of the way. Her reflux is bad and I just...well, I need something. Staying somewhere else isn't an option becuse I don't really have anywhere to go.

crittermama · May 2010

I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this. We're also dealing with reflux and that alone is enough to make me cry. I agree with being up front and asking him what's bothering him. The first six month to a year of a baby's life are so hard on the parents and their relationship. Talk to him, keep the lines of communication open and keep your head up. I hope things get better for you.

If you feel like things are getting to be too much (with the reflux and your DH) please don't hesitate to go talk to a chaplain! You have 100% confidentiality with them and sometimes it helps to really just get it out. I wish I'd done that with DD1. DH and I went through a rough patch, she had reflux and we moved (we're a military family too). One day it all got to be too much and I broke down in tears at one of her many doctor's appointments in front of her pedi.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

crittermama:

I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this. We're also dealing with reflux and that alone is enough to make me cry. I agree with being up front and asking him what's bothering him. The first six month to a year of a baby's life are so hard on the parents and their relationship. Talk to him, keep the lines of communication open and keep your head up. I hope things get better for you.

If you feel like things are getting to be too much (with the reflux and your DH) please don't hesitate to go talk to a chaplain! You have 100% confidentiality with them and sometimes it helps to really just get it out. I wish I'd done that with DD1. DH and I went through a rough patch, she had reflux and we moved (we're a military family too). One day it all got to be too much and I broke down in tears at one of her many doctor's appointments in front of her pedi.

We also have the family support center. Which if he doesn't start talking to me I may go there Tuesday. I wish I knew what was wrong. Him not talking to me is just making it worse.

MCC1010 · May 2010

MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

I tried that earlier and nothing. I've asked him to sit and talk to me. I've tried everything and anything I could think of. He won't look at me, won't even open his mouth. I asked him to hold Brylee and he moves me out of the way. Her reflux is bad and I just...well, I need something. Staying somewhere else isn't an option becuse I don't really have anywhere to go.

In that case, give him the space he thinks he wants. Go about your business with Brylee and leave him alone. I know that when I am upset and want to be left alone the worst thing someone can do is keep asking me if I am ok. He will come around out and tell you in his own time. When he does you can address how upsetting this behavior was and why it was upsetting. I know it is hard not to do something drastic but leaving is only going to make it worse. There can be tons of things that have nothing to do with you that are upsetting him. Maybe he is trying to deal with it without involving/upsetting you. Basically what I am saying is try not remain calm and level headed.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

MCC1010:
MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

I tried that earlier and nothing. I've asked him to sit and talk to me. I've tried everything and anything I could think of. He won't look at me, won't even open his mouth. I asked him to hold Brylee and he moves me out of the way. Her reflux is bad and I just...well, I need something. Staying somewhere else isn't an option becuse I don't really have anywhere to go.

In that case, give him the space he thinks he wants. Go about your business with Brylee and leave him alone. I know that when I am upset and want to be left alone the worst thing someone can do is keep asking me if I am ok. He will come around out and tell you in his own time. When he does you can address how upsetting this behavior was and why it was upsetting. I know it is hard not to do something drastic but leaving is only going to make it worse. There can be tons of things that have nothing to do with you that are upsetting him. Maybe he is trying to deal with it without involving/upsetting you. Basically what I am saying is try not remain calm and level headed.

It's just so hard with her being so fussy. I just need a minute, he won't even hold her. That makes it all the worse.

Neen33 · May 2010

I'm so sorry. I don't have any good advice but just wanted to say my thoughts are with you. My ex-husband was like that and it was so hard to deal with. Be strong in yourself!!!

VampyAuthor · May 2010

Neen33:
I'm so sorry. I don't have any good advice but just wanted to say my thoughts are with you. My ex-husband was like that and it was so hard to deal with. Be strong in yourself!!!

Thank you. I was feeling alone out here.

MCC1010 · May 2010

MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:
MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

I tried that earlier and nothing. I've asked him to sit and talk to me. I've tried everything and anything I could think of. He won't look at me, won't even open his mouth. I asked him to hold Brylee and he moves me out of the way. Her reflux is bad and I just...well, I need something. Staying somewhere else isn't an option becuse I don't really have anywhere to go.

In that case, give him the space he thinks he wants. Go about your business with Brylee and leave him alone. I know that when I am upset and want to be left alone the worst thing someone can do is keep asking me if I am ok. He will come around out and tell you in his own time. When he does you can address how upsetting this behavior was and why it was upsetting. I know it is hard not to do something drastic but leaving is only going to make it worse. There can be tons of things that have nothing to do with you that are upsetting him. Maybe he is trying to deal with it without involving/upsetting you. Basically what I am saying is try not remain calm and level headed.

It's just so hard with her being so fussy. I just need a minute, he won't even hold her. That makes it all the worse.

i know. i swear that this behavior has to be in the male DNA because my husband gets like that too. But it will get better. I don't give my husband an option to help. I flat out tell him "I need some me time. Here is the baby, bottle is here and I'll be back." Hey, it is OUR child. I never signed on the be the single parent.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

MCC1010:
MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:
MrsJazzAirForceWife:
MCC1010:

I am a firm believer in being up front. Ask him without the "if you care/love me." Just say it straight. no emotional stuff. "You seem upset/hurt/angry/ the last week or so. Is there anything I can do/you want to talk to me about?" When you bring in the "if you love me" then you it comes across as an attack. If he wasn't upset with you before then he might be after that.

My husband was furious at me for a day or two because of the silliest thing ever (IMO). I always say "How is my baby?" and he found that offensive. He wants me to say "How is our baby?" Mind you, I say this TO the baby not to anyone else. I found it silly nut to him it was a huge insult. I am just using this as an example that it may be something petty so don't make it into a huge issue/ordeal. Men can be overly sensitive too. After all they are adjusting to taking a backseat to another person's needs.

I tried that earlier and nothing. I've asked him to sit and talk to me. I've tried everything and anything I could think of. He won't look at me, won't even open his mouth. I asked him to hold Brylee and he moves me out of the way. Her reflux is bad and I just...well, I need something. Staying somewhere else isn't an option becuse I don't really have anywhere to go.

In that case, give him the space he thinks he wants. Go about your business with Brylee and leave him alone. I know that when I am upset and want to be left alone the worst thing someone can do is keep asking me if I am ok. He will come around out and tell you in his own time. When he does you can address how upsetting this behavior was and why it was upsetting. I know it is hard not to do something drastic but leaving is only going to make it worse. There can be tons of things that have nothing to do with you that are upsetting him. Maybe he is trying to deal with it without involving/upsetting you. Basically what I am saying is try not remain calm and level headed.

It's just so hard with her being so fussy. I just need a minute, he won't even hold her. That makes it all the worse.

i know. i swear that this behavior has to be in the male DNA because my husband gets like that too. But it will get better. I don't give my husband an option to help. I flat out tell him "I need some me time. Here is the baby, bottle is here and I'll be back." Hey, it is OUR child. I never signed on the be the single parent.

He came up to tell me he doesn't care. Yeah, that's great. Just great. He's being such an a*s I can't take it. I'm trying so hard because I don't want to pass negative energy to DD, but it's so hard. I swear if he is mad at me because I wouldn't take the car tonight, then he's an idiot. I'm taking DD and leaving then.

MCC1010 · May 2010

it's funny how we think we married adults only to discover we married a big baby. I tell my husband that I have come to the conclusion that I married a girl. He is so freaking sensitive about things I want to smack him sometimes! LOLOL.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

lol, sounds like my DH. I mean not wanting to drive the car. Come on. It's a stick. I'm tired and driving it requires me to think. I was so tired the other day I attempted to go from a stop in 3rd gear. Oh yes, that went well.

michdance · May 2010

He is being so unfair to you...you didn't do anything wrong! You are trying your best to be a good mother, despite the terrible reflux your dealing with. If I were you I would tell DH, "I am going to give you your time because I feel that is what you need right now...talk to me when you're ready." This allows him to have his own space, but also shows him respect. Even though "respect" is the last thing you want to give him right now, it may help him to open up and talk about what is bothering him. Just please know we all care and we are here to help and support you. We all go through tough times in our marriage, so please know that you are NOT alone! Take care sweety.

VampyAuthor · May 2010

michdance:
He is being so unfair to you...you didn't do anything wrong! You are trying your best to be a good mother, despite the terrible reflux your dealing with. If I were you I would tell DH, "I am going to give you your time because I feel that is what you need right now...talk to me when you're ready." This allows him to have his own space, but also shows him respect. Even though "respect" is the last thing you want to give him right now, it may help him to open up and talk about what is bothering him. Just please know we all care and we are here to help and support you. We all go through tough times in our marriage, so please know that you are NOT alone! Take care sweety.

Thanks so much. Hasn't been easy. And it's been a bad reflux day. A BAD reflux day, I feel so bad for her.

blckwhtyllwgirl · May 2010

Ditto the above poster that said you aren't a single parent. I have had to have a couple talks with DH lately about that. About how it is almost assumed that I will always take care of DS (I ask him if he is available when I schedule things I can't bring DS to, but DH doesn't ask me, etc). I just sat down and explained how I felt. He has been 100% better. If you need a break, I would just pull out the pack n play, swing, etc put LO in it next to him, and say I need a break, watch LO and I'll be back in an hour.

MrsMammay · May 2010

I'm sorry you are dealing with this on top of dealing with your DDs reflux.

Unless your H has completely snapped & needs psychiatric care, this is not ok. He is behaving like a total child- refusing to talk to you or hold your daughter.

Leave now & tell him you'll talk about coming back when he grows the F up. You are both going through a major transition with a new baby, but that doesn't mean that he gets to completely check out and treat you horribly in the process.

Please realize that this is not normal or acceptable behavior and you and your DD deserve better.

Geek_Girl · May 2010

From THIS post, it seems like your H is an @ss most of the time.

I'd never put up with the crap you're putting up with. Not in a million years. I'd take the car, alright.... Straight home to my family.

Look, I don't care what anyone else here says, perhaps they've all still got baby-brain, but this behavior is NOT normal. A grown man will not treat his wife and child this way. In fact, a real man would offer to step up and help when and where he can.

And to be perfectly honest, the whole not talking to you thing, the put-downs, the insults? Yeah, that's emotional abuse.

You'll be a LOT stronger for your LO when you're far away from this douchebag. Its time to step up and show him that you WILL NOT tolerate this behavior. One of you has to have the balls in your family and it clearly isn't him!

soko987 · May 2010

Mrs. Jazz, I have to agree with the PP. He's not just being moody- he's tormenting you with his silence. It's deliberate and it's designed to hurt you. It's not normal "man" behavior. Not only is he hurting you, but he's purposefully hurting his daughter as well by refusing to help with her care. Abuse is not just verbal or physical. I hope you don't take offense to this, but I truly believe that you two need a third party to work this out, or he'll keep treating you and your baby like this.

MKESweetie · May 2010

MCC1010:
In that case, give him the space he thinks he wants. Go about your business with Brylee and leave him alone. I know that when I am upset and want to be left alone the worst thing someone can do is keep asking me if I am ok. He will come around out and tell you in his own time. When he does you can address how upsetting this behavior was and why it was upsetting. I know it is hard not to do something drastic but leaving is only going to make it worse. There can be tons of things that have nothing to do with you that are upsetting him. Maybe he is trying to deal with it without involving/upsetting you. Basically what I am saying is try not remain calm and level headed.

See, I could go with this if it was a bad day at the office but we're talking about a child here. OP's H doesn't get to be a complete as* and she doesn't ask about it because "he'll come around" eventually.

And also, I don't actually think this behavior is in the male DNA. I think there are a few douchtastic men out there who act like this, and I'm sorry that you're married to one.

OP, your H does not get to treat you like this, and you should not keep pampering him and asking him to talk to you. And things like, "If you love me you'll do X" are just as manipulative and the silent treatment. This is perhaps not the right time to fight fire with fire. I'm with the PPs that said it's time to make your point.

"H, it's really too bad that you're feeling so unhappy right now, and that you don't want to talk about it. However, I am exhausted from having a cranky, refuxy baby to deal with on my own. I agreed to be a parent WITH you, not a parent for you. Since you seem to be happy on your own, I'm going to go to a hotel for a few days. I have my cell on me. If you want to behave like a grown up husband and father, please call me. If I don't hear from you by Wednesday I will assume that you have no interest in being either of those things, and I'll be home to pack my belongings."

I'm not suggesting this as an empty threat. If he is not man enough to talk to his wife about whatever his problems are, then you don't need to be in this relationship, and you sure as heck don't need to be raising a daughter who will 1.) think that this is what marriage is supposed to look like and 2.) certainly pick up on the fact that her father wants nothing to do with her. Get out now if your H is not committed to this relationship.

TarponMonoxide · May 2010

DeeandBrad: are you daft???

To the OP: this is NOT normal behavior.

You need to have a talk with him; alert your coc, also, A talk with your physician would be in order, also.

This may be a far far shot: Men can get PPD; I heard about this on the news the other day; here's an article from fatherhood dot com:

https://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/article-topics.php?Article_ID=10455

TupeloChick · May 2010

This will sound harsh but I think you need it. this kind of behavior is not normal. Men don't get PPD, that's just psychobabble along the lines of sympathy pains. He sounds like an asshat and a huge baby. Stop coddling him and stop the pity party. Tell him that whatever is bothering him he either needs to get over it or tell you what's going on and then proceed to work it out.

He was man enough to make a baby, he'd better man up and take care of the child he created with you. And contrary to what other posters have said, it is not a "male DNA" thing it is a "selfish idiot DNA" thing.

Yes, reflux is very stressful and draining, lack of sleep does affect your relationship with each other but him shutting you out and not wanting anything to do with the baby is not normal and not part of adapting to having a new baby. Millions of men adapt to being a father and accept and love their children every day, all over the globe.

future_harmeyer · June 2010

MrsMammay:

Leave now & tell him you'll talk about coming back when he grows the F up. You are both going through a major transition with a new baby, but that doesn't mean that he gets to completely check out and treat you horribly in the process.

THIS.

robinsokj · June 2010

TupeloChick:
This will sound harsh but I think you need it. this kind of behavior is not normal. Men don't get PPD, that's just psychobabble along the lines of sympathy pains. He sounds like an asshat and a huge baby. Stop coddling him and stop the pity party. Tell him that whatever is bothering him he either needs to get over it or tell you what's going on and then proceed to work it out.
He was man enough to make a baby, he'd better man up and take care of the child he created with you. And contrary to what other posters have said, it is not a "male DNA" thing it is a "selfish idiot DNA" thing.
Yes, reflux is very stressful and draining, lack of sleep does affect your relationship with each other but him shutting you out and not wanting anything to do with the baby is not normal and not part of adapting to having a new baby. Millions of men adapt to being a father and accept and love their children every day, all over the globe.

They may not get PPD b/c of the hormones that we deal with, but it is real in men as well. Some men have different reactions to being thrown into this new world that is strange and stressful.

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