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Parenting
Moms of 2+
I'm in the fun emotional stage of recovery from delivery where I cry at the drop of a hat. Lovely! Anyway, did you ever feel a little guilty after LO#2 arrived that you had taken something away from LO#1? So far my older DS thinks little DS is the mose awesome thing ever, but I know things will never be the same. I know it's all good & my being overly emotional will pass, but right now I'm a bit frustrated with myself. It's almost like I'm doing a bit of mourning for who we "were" even though who we "were" & who we "are" are both wonderful things.
Can anyone relate?
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Re: Moms of 2+
I think that most new 2nd (and 3rd and 4th etc) time parents go through these feelings. I know I did! You hit the nail on the head when you said that it is like mourning who you were. Things have changed. That doesnt mean they've changed for the worse, but they're not ever going to be the same and it's ok to mourn that. Just as it's totally normal to bring a new 1st baby home and look at your beautiful child and think "What the hell have we done?? We are responsible for this baby's LIFE? OMG! I'll never get to be the "old me" ever again!"
But it does pass. And those feelings will pretty quickly be replaced by feelings of sheer joy when you see how much your kids love each other, discover one another, and that you've created a whole new dimension to your family. It's truly amazing. I promise
I had the guilt before DS#2 even arrived.
This. I used to cry about it when I was pregnant. He was so young and I felt like he still needed me so much. I wasn't ready for him to have to share me (can you tell I didn't get pregnant with DD on purpose?).
But, he really adapted well to her and they love each other so much (yes, they fight, but that's normal too). I can't imagine life without her.
Congratulations on DS#2!! I missed the announcement of his arrival! Sorry!
Same as everyone else. Those first few days are totally emotional. It takes me at least a few weeks before I'm not crying at the drop of a hat and even almost 4 months later, I have my moments. With both #2 and #3. My kids have always adored their younger siblings...but when the novelty of them wore off, they got frustrated and angry at me. I'd rather them do that and act out for me than direct it at their younger sibling, but it's still hard. They get past that too. Just look at my girls. You know how close they are. They do try to kill each other on a daily basis. That's just sisters/siblings in general, but I don't know if they could survive without the other. They're completely lost when the other is out by herself or sick or anything. DD#2's first word was DD#1's name. They've always been like that. Not sure how DS will fit into the mix yet, but the girls just adore him already - love him (sometimes too much), encourage him and keep asking when he can play with them. I think he smiled at them before he ever smiled at me. They make him laugh and make silly faces. It's just amazing to see and to watch them all grow together and each independently.
I'm sure you've seen this before and I know it will make you cry, but I promise that it's so true:
LOVING TWO
I walk along holding your 3-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't". Knowing in fact that I never can again.
You cry, I cry with you. I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
---Author UnknownI can relate, but in the opposite sense.....DS1 was 21 months when DS2 was born. DS1 was sooooo needy (and still is very high maintenance and intense) but I felt like I didn't give enough attention to my newborn, other than feeding, changing him, and throwing the occassional bath in. Everyone said to go to the older one first if they were both crying, b/c he will understand more what is going on, so I did, but that happened a lot, and I felt like I didn't give enough to the baby in those first few months.
Regardless, having 2 is hard. You are out numbered now! (unless you are lucky enough to have a husband who is around a lot!)
Very well said!! I love that I've given DD a brother, and he absolutely ADORES her. She's young enough where she won't remember being an only, she'll just remember all the fun she's having with DS!
I was most guilty *before* DS was born. My doula hit it on the head. . . she said that subconciously, we think we're betraying our first child.
However, when DS was born, all I felt was sheer joy at the addition to the family. I could really understand it when people said that there was plenty of room in your heart for another child. Couple with it his pretty awesome personality and some other stuff I did to avoid depression and it's been great.