Do your parents consider your lost LO(s) their grandchildren?

tripplaar · May 2010

That came up with my mom today and it was quite awkward.

My sister is about 20 weeks pregnant and mom said something about that being her first grandchild. I, politely as I could, corrected her and reminder her of the baby I carried for 11 weeks.

Mom "Well I wasn't counting your's because it was never born."

Me "My sister's hasn't been born yet. Why does he/she count? Not that he/she shouldn't, but mine counted for 11 weeks and doesn't anymore?"

Mom "I don't know what you want me to say here."

Me "When people ask how many grandchildren you have I want you to say you have one grandchild on earth, and one in heaven."

Mom "That would make me feel uncomfortable."

And thats where we left it. An awkward pause and we changed the subject. Its like she wants to pretend this didn't happen, she always says I'll be able to move on when I get pregnant again.

pumkiepoo · May 2010

that's how I feel...SIL just had a baby and I feel like my baby has been forgotten by DH's family and parents. They have gotten caught up in the grandson they can hold and cuddle...but what about my baby we never got to hold and cuddle...it was your grandchild too.

I understand....

TiannaRose · May 2010

i am so sorry you had to have that conversation! My mom kind of pretends that my m/c never happened and she was even pretty cold about it the day I told her I m/c. We hadn't even told them we were pg yet (we were going to see them that weekend to tell them but I ended up m/c a few days before) while my dad had to leave work because he was so upset about the m/c. i guess everyone acts differently but I too feel like a lost child should be acknowledged.

smacb · May 2010

Both my mother and Dh's father have said of our lost babies, 'it's not really a baby" I get angry just thinking about it.

tripplaar · May 2010

Well, it sucks but I feel better that I'm not alone.

I can be understanding when friends and coworkers don't know how to react but I guess I hold our families to a higher standard.

KeriMac · May 2010

I am so sorry!! I think some poeple just don't know how to handle this, but that comment sounded very hurtful. I was just about to post about my own family's ignorance.

jkm123 · May 2010

Im so sorry hunny! my MIL has not been very good with any of this either, she acts as if I were never pregnant in the first place, my grandmother told me though on Easter that her mother and dad are just bouncing my little baby on their knee and are just thrilled to have a great-great grandchild in heaven. It does upset me that DH's family is just ignoring everything

rock-elle · May 2010

You are absolutely right, I swear people don't really think before things come out of their mouths (me sometimes included Embarrassed

) but I would think that fam would be more sensitive. Though I'm pretty sure my MIL would say the same thing if we'd ever have to have that convo.

Mrs.EmmaLouise · May 2010

My sister just got married last week and she now has a stepson, and she told my parents that they were now grandparents. I was crushed, so I know the feeling. But as much as I was hurt by that comment (and would be by what your mother said), I wouldn't expect my parents to say something that made them uncomfortable.

owenst · May 2010

I'm sorry you had to have this conversation. My mom told someone she had 6 grandkids when asked....Elijah should make 7. I never talked with her about it - I don't know if it was b/c we were there and she didn't want us to have to go into it with a distant cousin, or if she doesn't consider him her grandson or what. I'm kind of scared to bring it up - I think I'll just end up getting hurt. I don't know if there's ever a good solution to this..

Lissa832 · May 2010

You're definitely not alone. My mom refers to my m/cs as "the time when you were sick." Huh?

DH was caught in a situation similar a couple weeks after our first loss. We were traveling and he met some guy at a gas station that started chatting him up. The guy asked if he had kids. Dh said no. I was upset because he completely disregarded our baby that I was pregnant with for 10w1d. He said that he couldn't just say, "Yeah I have a kid, but we lost it." It still made me feel bad, but I can now understand better his perspective. I, myself, do not say to people that I have 5 children but only one living. I think it would make other people feel uncomfortable as well, and I don't really want to explain myself.

writergirl5786 · May 2010

my mom acknowledges our lost LO. she's actually really good about it, most of the time...

my MIL, she does...but only at times. she's so spacey sometimes. when we're around that side of the family (where there are 4 baby boys under 1 from DH's cousins) she always makes comments about how she'll never have grandkids and maybe the girl grandbabies will come from her kids, if she ever has grandkids, etc...

sighs...families suck sometimes

companion cube · May 2010

My mom acknowledges my angel baby, but that's because she has had a m/c too, and she understands the pain. When I was going through a really rough patch she told me that she believes that my baby is up in heaven with Uncle Lemme (her angel baby) waiting for us. She put a big smile on my face.

tripplaar · May 2010

companion cube:
My mom acknowledges my angel baby, but that's because she has had a m/c too, and she understands the pain. When I was going through a really rough patch she told me that she believes that my baby is up in heaven with Uncle Lemme (her angel baby) waiting for us. She put a big smile on my face.

I'm jealous of this. Not that I'd ever wish this pain on anyone else but I wish my mom knew where I'm coming from. My older sister was unplanned, mom said she only missed a couple bc pills that month. 5 years later they decided to try for me, 9 months later I was born. My sister and I both have issues so I guess fertility is not hereditary.

SweetieD21 · May 2010

No, the baby I lost is not counted as a grandchild.

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