NBR: I think DH is a pervert, WWYD

jessknell · May 2010

First off, I tried to create an AE in order to post about this because I'm so embarrassed and horrified by it but the stupid Bump wouldn't let me.

So here goes...this morning I was going through DH's phone to see what pictures he'd taken of LO and I found all kinds of videos of me naked, getting out of the shower, putting on lotion, etc and one of us having sex. Now I know there are plenty of couples that video themselves but I'm just not that kind of girl. Why would DH be sneaky and video me without my knowledge? I feel very violated right now. How can I trust him and ever feel comfortable in my own home again?

Am I overreacting? WWYD

getnmarried910 · May 2010

I think that anything like that in a marriage needs mutual consent. If you're not comfortable with it, he never should have done it. I would have a hard time trusting him. He'd have to really prove himself to me.

lindylogana · May 2010

I would never be comfortable with that. I would ask him why he did that and request that he doesn't do that again. But I would be really paranoid whenever I was naked.

TexasLadyBug · May 2010

No I would not be ok with that if I did not know about it. Now if it was something we talked about and both agreed on then yes fine, but to find it on his phone, ummm no.

I would hope he is not showing those videos to any one either.

I dont think I would be able to have sex again without looking for where his phone was at.

You should talk to him and see what is going on.

sila129 · May 2010

I would be weirded out by that too..totally. but, look on the bright side...at least it's you, and not some other girl/girls!

I'd just talk to him about it and tell him you aren't comfortable. Maybe if you knew about it, that would be a different story, but being all sneaky is a little strange.

christina8091 · May 2010

First - I would delete them without telling him you did and see if he asks you. then chek back on the phone and see if there are more videos taken after you deleted.

If your not comfortable with it, just tell him.

The good side to this is that they are only vids of you and not other women.

Mereou12 · May 2010

christina8091:

First - I would delete them without telling him you did and see if he asks you. then chek back on the phone and see if there are more videos taken after you deleted.

If your not comfortable with it, just tell him.

The good side to this is that they are only vids of you and not other women.

Ummm...yeah, I wouldn't follow this advice. Being sneaky and dishonest isn't the way to handle this situation.

Talk to your husband about it. I, too, would be a little weirded out and concerned. Tell him what makes you uncomfortable, and ask that he respects that. Whatever you do, just be honest with him.

emma7875 · May 2010

I might get flamed for this but at least it was you naked and not bunch of other women. I would rather my DH have a bunch of secret videos of me than even one secret porn pic of another woman... not that my dH has either on his phone

I still don't think he is used to my post prego body.

jonnygurl76 · May 2010

Mereou12:
christina8091:

First - I would delete them without telling him you did and see if he asks you. then chek back on the phone and see if there are more videos taken after you deleted.

If your not comfortable with it, just tell him.

The good side to this is that they are only vids of you and not other women.

Ummm...yeah, I wouldn't follow this advice. Being sneaky and dishonest isn't the way to handle this situation.

Talk to your husband about it. I, too, would be a little weirded out and concerned. Tell him what makes you uncomfortable, and ask that he respects that. Whatever you do, just be honest with him.

this!! you aren't getting anywhere without honesty! and apparently it needs to start with you!

Abinormal · May 2010

You need to sit down and talk to your husband about why he's taking these photos and videos without your permission. I don't think your husband is a pervert, he apparently just enjoys looking at and admiring your body. However, taking photos of you without your knowledge and consent is not ok. I doubt he's showing other people the photos, taking them seems like a possesive type of behaviour and so I doubt he wants to share them with other people.

Sit down with your DH and tell him that you happened to be going through his phone and found some pictures and videos that both confused you and made you feel violated. Look at the pictures and videos together and talk about why he's taken them, who's seen them (just in case he has shown someone) and then discuss him not taking anymore photos without your permission.

Your DH probably has a voyeurism fetish and he needs to realize that he cannot make other people uncomfortable just to satisfy his desires. I honestly don't think that your DH was attempting to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Give him a chance to explain himself and once you've discussed the boundaries of when, where, how he may take a picture of you, then you can call him dishonest if he violates those boundaries.

jessknell · May 2010

Abinormal:

You need to sit down and talk to your husband about why he's taking these photos and videos without your permission. I don't think your husband is a pervert, he apparently just enjoys looking at and admiring your body. However, taking photos of you without your knowledge and consent is not ok. I doubt he's showing other people the photos, taking them seems like a possesive type of behaviour and so I doubt he wants to share them with other people.

Sit down with your DH and tell him that you happened to be going through his phone and found some pictures and videos that both confused you and made you feel violated. Look at the pictures and videos together and talk about why he's taken them, who's seen them (just in case he has shown someone) and then discuss him not taking anymore photos without your permission.

Your DH probably has a voyeurism fetish and he needs to realize that he cannot make other people uncomfortable just to satisfy his desires. I honestly don't think that your DH was attempting to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Give him a chance to explain himself and once you've discussed the boundaries of when, where, how he may take a picture of you, then you can call him dishonest if he violates those boundaries.

Thank you for this. It's so beautifully written and already makes me feel a little less freaked out-still way upset though. I'm definitely going to have a sit-down with him.

jessknell · May 2010

mooshagirl:
Sorry if this is not the appropriate response, but why were you going through his phone? Are there some underlying trust issues prior to this? I think you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable with this. Thank goodness they are all of you (I might actually be a little flattered, better than porn, right?). But, you've got to let him know how you feel otherwise this will come between you two. Keep the communication open, that's the key to a happy marriage.

I was looking at the pictures he'd taken of LO on his phone.

No trust issues but my previous marriage fell apart because my ex had a porn addiction and cheated on me.

That's what makes this even worse is because DH knows all I've been through in my past and how all of that made me feel.

DarthNBJenni · May 2010

I'd start recording him and post it to YouTube. See how his asss likes that.

goldenleaves · May 2010

This would definitely be a problem for me.

I'm sorry

(((hugs)))

amoureux · May 2010

You are not overreacting.

It is NOT ok for your husband to video/photograph you without your consent. Time for a long talk.

stephanielynn33 · May 2010

sila129:
I would be weirded out by that too..totally. but, look on the bright side...at least it's you, and not some other girl/girls! I'd just talk to him about it and tell him you aren't comfortable. Maybe if you knew about it, that would be a different story, but being all sneaky is a little strange.

This exactly. It's just so weird that he was being secretive about it!

mrs.priss7 · May 2010

I would bring it up to him, but honestly at least they are videos of YOU and not someone else. So in a twisted sort of way its a compliment. I don't think I'd freak over it, just let him know it bothers you and ask why he did it.

ibis · May 2010

I'm sorry, I think some of the responses here are seriously cracked. Taking erotic pictures of your spouse without their knowledge is NOT NORMAL and not okay. It's not much better than pics of someone else. Spousal rape is still rape... and spousal voyeurism is still voyeurism.

I would confront him directly. I think this is something he should seek therapy for and you're probably need couples counseling as well, bc it may be very hard to trust him again after this, or ever feel safe when you're alone. And now that you know you can't trust him you're going to need full transparency at all times. I hardly think it's possible to overreact - this is a serious transgression IMO.

zitiqueen · May 2010

You know that there's a very good chance that he's posting these all over the internet, right?

liza0828 · May 2010

ibis:

I'm sorry, I think some of the responses here are seriously cracked. Taking erotic pictures of your spouse without their knowledge is NOT NORMAL and not okay.

This totally. Overreacting? OP, I think you are UNDERreacting. If my husband taped us having sex without my knowledge I don't know if I could get over that. I would feel completely violated.

Sue_sue · May 2010

You're likely all over the Internet now. and certainly he's sent this on to friends etc. See what numbers he's forwarded picture messages to, and to what email addresses.

I'm sorry. I'd take his phone and hide it; I'd be so furious I couldn't breathe. This is outrageous. In some places this is a crime; you might call the police and see if there is some way you can find out where he's posted this stuff to, from his phone.

I am so angry for you.

Sue_sue · May 2010

I'd be looking for cameras in the house, too; and where your computer webcam is set up. This is not the only video.

I cannot fathom how anyone would think this is remotely ok, or flattering, or just a quirk of some kind. This is an appalling violation. I would imagine, too, that he has pictures and videos of other girlfriends etc.

Jesus mary mother of god. Stay safe, stay secure.

HarkelAD · May 2010

First, I go through/use my husbands phone all the time. Not to check up on him, but to look at pictures of LO or to make a phone call. No history of mistrust. He does the same with my phone. The argument of "well why were you looking through his phone?" is just as rediculous as when people use it as a defense after they are found to be cheating.

Second, I would feel completely 100% VIOLATED. Like someone else said, spousal rape is still rape, spousal voyeurism is still voyeurism. You are not his property or his to film at will. Id be LESS wierded out if it was of someone else. You need to confront this head on...

ETA I also wouldnt feel safe or secure in my own home. Or feel okay with him being around an older daughter until you talk to him and find out what this need is stemming from.

Rosieoutlook · May 2010

ibis:
I'm sorry, I think some of the responses here are seriously cracked. Taking erotic pictures of your spouse without their knowledge is NOT NORMAL and not okay. It's not much better than pics of someone else. Spousal rape is still rape... and spousal voyeurism is still voyeurism.
I would confront him directly. I think this is something he should seek therapy for and you're probably need couples counseling as well, bc it may be very hard to trust him again after this, or ever feel safe when you're alone. And now that you know you can't trust him you're going to need full transparency at all times. I hardly think it's possible to overreact - this is a serious transgression IMO.

I agree with Ibis.

MrsMammay · May 2010

Sue_sue:

I'd be looking for cameras in the house, too; and where your computer webcam is set up. This is not the only video.

I cannot fathom how anyone would think this is remotely ok, or flattering, or just a quirk of some kind. This is an appalling violation. I would imagine, too, that he has pictures and videos of other girlfriends etc.

Jesus mary mother of god. Stay safe, stay secure.

THIS!!!!

I am shocked by the responses saying this is ok because it was you & not another woman. Surprise He violated your trust & privacy- that is NOT ok.

He has pictures of the two of you having sex- he had to set up some type of camera beforehand. Who knows what else he has recorded and what he has done with the pictures/ video.

I don't think you can be angry enough. Please ignore those telling you to make light of this. Good luck.

TarponMonoxide · May 2010

This is a mental health problem. He needs a psychiatric evaluation ASAP.

He has no right to photograph you without your permission.

I'd make the evaluation a dealbreaker; if he will not comply, give strong thought to having this marriage annulled --- annulled because he clearly has a mental/emotional problem and that's grounds for annullment.

TarponMonoxide · May 2010

Sue_sue:

I'd be looking for cameras in the house, too; and where your computer webcam is set up. This is not the only video.

I cannot fathom how anyone would think this is remotely ok, or flattering, or just a quirk of some kind. This is an appalling violation. I would imagine, too, that he has pictures and videos of other girlfriends etc.

Jesus mary mother of god. Stay safe, stay secure.

This exactly.

Scratch the advice I gave you: Leave him immediately. He's mentally ill and who knows what he might have done with those photos -- or with others he's taken?

He also needs to be repoted to the police. STAT

I too, am sorry for your troubles. Take care.

userdeleted · May 2010

ibis:
I'm sorry, I think some of the responses here are seriously cracked. Taking erotic pictures of your spouse without their knowledge is NOT NORMAL and not okay. It's not much better than pics of someone else. Spousal rape is still rape... and spousal voyeurism is still voyeurism.
I would confront him directly. I think this is something he should seek therapy for and you're probably need couples counseling as well, bc it may be very hard to trust him again after this, or ever feel safe when you're alone. And now that you know you can't trust him you're going to need full transparency at all times. I hardly think it's possible to overreact - this is a serious transgression IMO.

THANK YOU!

I am appalled by some of the responses in this thread. OP, your husband violated your trust, and like others have said - who knows what else he's doing behind your back?

If, IF, I stayed with him, I would demand couples counseling along with individual counseling, and he would have to give up the camera phone for good. That's a big if though. I'm not sure I could live with someone who felt comfortable violating and using me like that.

Best of luck to you OP.

userdeleted · May 2010

And I'm sorry, but I just can't get over this. "At least it's you and not other women..." really!? Is it really so much better that he violated the trust of his wife, that he took away her feelings of security in her own home, that he sneakily got around having to respect her feelings about sexuality so that he could have what he wanted without getting her consent? Really???? Because while both of these things would be HUGE issues in my marriage, I have to say I'd be less horrified to find a naked picture of a stranger on my husband's phone than to realize that I'm being watched in my own home, by my own spouse.

mrs.priss7 · May 2010

Rach03k:

And I'm sorry, but I just can't get over this. "At least it's you and not other women..." really!? Is it really so much better that he violated the trust of his wife, that he took away her feelings of security in her own home, that he sneakily got around having to respect her feelings about sexuality so that he could have what he wanted without getting her consent? Really???? Because while both of these things would be HUGE issues in my marriage, I have to say I'd be less horrified to find a naked picture of a stranger on my husband's phone than to realize that I'm being watched in my own home, by my own spouse.

I wouldn't, but thats me and my feelings. I trust my DH wholeheartedly and I know for a fact that if I ever were to find something like that of me around it would not be his intent to do it to hurt me or violate my trust. Thats just my marriage and relationship though. Everyone's different. If she feels violated she should do what she feels is right. She asked WWYD. We are all answering honestly, I think.

Mrs.McLovin · May 2010

Go check his computer now! Check his email, outgoing texts, web history, ect. This is not acceptable. And anyone who said "at least it is you" has got to be seriously messed up in the head. That is not ok!

SamsMom91 · May 2010

Rach03k:
And I'm sorry, but I just can't get over this. "At least it's you and not other women..." really!? Is it really so much better that he violated the trust of his wife, that he took away her feelings of security in her own home, that he sneakily got around having to respect her feelings about sexuality so that he could have what he wanted without getting her consent? Really???? Because while both of these things would be HUGE issues in my marriage, I have to say I'd be less horrified to find a naked picture of a stranger on my husband's phone than to realize that I'm being watched in my own home, by my own spouse.

OH.MY.GOD. Thank you Rach! I am so glad you said this. Who knows what he's doing with those videos? Who is to say if it's just for him or if he's showing it to others, or God forbid, putting it on the internet?

Temp552270562505132 · May 2010

let me ask you this: if it were someone else taking those pictures, and you felt the way that you do right now, what would you do?

call the police?

there's your answer. just because he is your husband does not give him the right to violate your trust and fundamental human rights.

in fact, BECAUSE he IS your husband he has a duty to protect you and cherish you and honor you as fiercely as possible.

back in the 1800's husbands were legally allowed to beat their wives with a "switch no bigger than the quick of your thumb". so dont let him give you the "but you're my wife" crap.

the fact that he thought little (or not at all) of violating your personal privacy to get his rocks off is what is most deeply concerning to me. what is he going to do when that doesn't satisfy him anymore? move on to worse things?

Temp552270562505132 · May 2010

jessknell:
Abinormal:

You need to sit down and talk to your husband about why he's taking these photos and videos without your permission. I don't think your husband is a pervert, he apparently just enjoys looking at and admiring your body. However, taking photos of you without your knowledge and consent is not ok. I doubt he's showing other people the photos, taking them seems like a possesive type of behaviour and so I doubt he wants to share them with other people.
Sit down with your DH and tell him that you happened to be going through his phone and found some pictures and videos that both confused you and made you feel violated. Look at the pictures and videos together and talk about why he's taken them, who's seen them (just in case he has shown someone) and then discuss him not taking anymore photos without your permission.
Your DH probably has a voyeurism fetish and he needs to realize that he cannot make other people uncomfortable just to satisfy his desires. I honestly don't think that your DH was attempting to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Give him a chance to explain himself and once you've discussed the boundaries of when, where, how he may take a picture of you, then you can call him dishonest if he violates those boundaries.
Thank you for this. It's so beautifully written and already makes me feel a little less freaked out-still way upset though. I'm definitely going to have a sit-down with him.

Also, another thought on this (i am sure you will come back and check the responses)- voyeurism or any other fetish involves permission from every party involved. what he did- that is NOT voyeurism- its being a peeping tom. people get arrested for that stuff all the time. a landlord on the news recently had 24/7 video surveillance of his tenants in the bathroom, bedroom, etc. it is not ok and dont let him try to tell you its voyeurism. and get a keystroke logger and network logger for your computers.

Prinycesa07 · May 2010

OK, i was getting a bit angry raeding the first responses. Thankfully the later girls feel more like i do. It is NOT okay that he did this, you being his wife doesnt make it any better, actually it makes it worse. Its NOT a compliment. He needs help. And no, i dont think you are overreacting, i think you are UNDER reacting!

SheSaidYes@BU · May 2010

mooshagirl:
Sorry if this is not the appropriate response, but why were you going through his phone? Are there some underlying trust issues prior to this? I think you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable with this. Thank goodness they are all of you (I might actually be a little flattered, better than porn, right?). But, you've got to let him know how you feel otherwise this will come between you two. Keep the communication open, that's the key to a happy marriage.

Sorry if this is not the appropriate response, but to the woman who I am quoting...you are an idiot. You can't see the forest through the trees.

____________________________________

OP, it really matters not how you happened upon the pictures.

This is actually is a heinous type of sexual abuse and is punishable by law.

The second time I left XH I went and sat down with a DV detective to talk things out. I let him know that I had found out that my then husband had video taped us having sex and had the videos stored on his computer without my knowledge. The detective was absolutely horrified and let me know that it is a felony offense.

I am so sad for you because of your prior struggles with your previous pornography-addicted husband. You really don't deserve this.

Have you asked him about the pictures? Keep in mind there is NO justifiable reason behind what he has done. It would be interesting to hear what he has to say for himself though.

Do you have access to individual counseling for you?

Please feel free to page or PM me if you need anything. I am a regular on the TIP board on The Nest. There is another woman there who has experienced something similar and there are many of us who would be willing to be there for you, talk with you, and help you find the resources that you need.

Please take care of yourself as best you can.

TarponMonoxide · May 2010

CONSFISCATE THAT PHONE.

You will need the evidence that's on it.

Don't keep this sick f**k under your roof one second longer. I'd have the cops there as you show him the door.

mabst196 · May 2010

I don't know about him being a pervert, but he's doing it without your consent. That's effed up.

MiraclePending · May 2010

Rosieoutlook:
ibis:
I'm sorry, I think some of the responses here are seriously cracked. Taking erotic pictures of your spouse without their knowledge is NOT NORMAL and not okay. It's not much better than pics of someone else. Spousal rape is still rape... and spousal voyeurism is still voyeurism.
I would confront him directly. I think this is something he should seek therapy for and you're probably need couples counseling as well, bc it may be very hard to trust him again after this, or ever feel safe when you're alone. And now that you know you can't trust him you're going to need full transparency at all times. I hardly think it's possible to overreact - this is a serious transgression IMO.
I agree with Ibis.

I think this is taking it a bit far and that you are overreacting. Men have sex drives and are stimulated visually. It was probably just too embarassing for him to bring it up. You have seen the pics of Demi Moore's underwear on twitter right? It's not that Ashton is a complete pervert. It's just funny.

He's your HUSBAND. It's not like he's going around showing the pictures to his friends. He's probably just using the pics to jerk off. Don't read into it too much. If you feel weird about it, tell him. I, personally, would be kind of flattered and wouldn't mind it at all. I trust my fiance and know he wouldn't be using the photos for anything but himself.

violetvirgo · May 2010

those of you that said "at least it's you" sound like you've really set the bar low for your H's behavior. WTF?

taking pics/video (especially NAKED) without your permission is NOT ok. no matter WHO it is doing the recording. I would question where these pics and vids were going. Did he send them to his buddies? Did he post them somewhere?

This is a major trust violation and needs to be addressed right now.

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