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Parenting
Would this be alarming to you?
You have a son who is somewhat high-needs. As a toddler/preschooler he doesn't tolerate seeing his mother with another baby. Whenever you are around friends/families with babies your son does everything within his power to hurt them or make them cry. He's been known to hit and kick friends' babies out of jealously, especially if you're holding someone else's baby. Your friends are hesitant to invite you over to their house because of the way he has been known to treat their infants and younger toddlers.
Your son is now 5 y/o and you have a second child. The new baby is only a couple weeks old and the 5 y/o tries to purposely flip the carseat over when the newborn is in it, smash/smoosh her face, etc.
If this was your family, would you be concerned? Is it within the realm of normal sibling rivalry in your opinion or do you think it's an indicator of something more serious? If so, at what point do you think you would perhaps seek some professional help with your son?
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Re: Would this be alarming to you?
This. While I think that he's acting out in "extreme" ways, I think he has a right to be a little pissed about his baby sibling's arrival. Though, I wouldn't be leaving him alone with the baby by any means.
Kaden William 11/4/06 and Dawson Michael 6/30/10
Dawson's first birthday - at the zoo
Well said.
(And not normal...at all. I could see maybe ONCE the child doing this. And even that is a stretch but ok, once. To get a reaction, etc. But to repeatedly do this. No. Violence should always be a red flag!)
Suppose you're already doing all of those things and that the child's desire to hurt infants/toddlers younger than himself is has been very strong and very apparent since well before you even got pregnant with #2? As a matter of fact, this fear is one of the reasons you waited so long to have a second child in the first place.
As an outside observer whose newborn suffered his wrath on several occasions (including one very hard punch to the head that made me want to hurt HIM!) I can honestly say that the child seems to actually derive pleasure from making babies cry. Another mutual friend has experienced the exact same thing and concurs with my observations, the child has also hurt her younger dd more than once.
"I can honestly say that the child seems to actually derive pleasure from making babies cry. Another mutual friend has experienced the exact same thing and concurs with my observations, the child has also hurt her younger dd more than once."
I don't even think you need the opinions of the people here. It's quite obvious this kid is effed up and needs help.
In that case, Cleo, yes help. Because in all honesty my brother was like that as a young kid - lots of therapy, some inpatient at UofMich, more outpatient.... 6 diff middle and elem. schools...
When he was 2 he tried to kill my older sisters w/a butcher knife. They were babysitting him, IDK how he got it. But they locked themselves in the bathroom for 4 hours until someone came home. They had to get a new door. Normal 2 year olds don't have that kind of attn span, ya know??
Obviously there are many other things, but that's just one example. Anyway, sounds similar in the focused anger/pleasure from hurting others department.
I didn't want to include this earlier because I'm not sure that it's fair or even relevant to mention, but there is a history of very severe mental illness in this child's family. It's hard to explain, but there is just something that is very different or "off" about this child. Mutual friends have agreed and have also wondered about the possibility of these being some very early warning signs of something more serious, you know?
I feel so horrible for the friend in this situation. She loves her son so much and I know that she just wants to protect him (and the new baby too, of course.)
Protecting him from himself is what he needs right now....in the form of therapy! That's how she can protect him!
And Kori --- my younger sister was like that growing up. Thrived off of having others fear her. (Actually, she is still sort of like that but in a less violent manner). But she used to chase me around the house with knives, scissors, the beater bar to the vaccuum, etc.
Hearing someone else describe someone like that makes me think "Man, that person is EFFED UP!" And then it makes me realize just how effed up she was/is. But day to day, I just think "Eh, it's just N!" Weird, huh?!
TB is *extremely* jealous of other babies if I or H hold them. He doesn't even like it when ML hugs other babies. He doesn't try to hurt them, but he has tried to separate them from me or H, or has gone into another room, slammed the door and started howling. What is strange is: he acts this way when we are at other people's houses and with his new baby cousin, Brayson, when Brayson's parents are around (including at our house). But when we babysat Brayson, he was totally fine with it. It was like, he realized I was the caretaker at that point, and allowed me to hold the baby. He was, however, a little extra clingy with H.
I think the tendency toward these feelings are very natural. I've seen other children act this way. ML, who was always OK with my handling other babies, had an extremely traumatic 6 months after TB was born.
The tendency to express these feelings through violence, however, may a learned behavior and is worrisome. I think violent behavior needs to be addressed, either through the parents' education in how to treat it, or if it's extreme, through professional intervention. All kids pick up violent behavior, from a variety of sources: their parents' discipline methods, other kids, TV, etc. I think this is a separate issue, even though they are tied. He needs to be taught more productive methods of expressing his frustration in all aspects of life, not just this particular feeling.
"all kids pick up violent behavior, from a variety of sources"
Not always. Sometimes it really is just a kid wired wrong from the start, believe me.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
He's in a preschool now and even though I don't know any of the details I am aware that he's had issues with aggression, the parents have had to meet with the head of the school, etc. Reportedly the parents are unhappy with the way the school has addressed the issues, but again, I don't know specifically what made them unhappy. I will say, however, that the parents absolutely do not use any sort of punishment, will not use time-outs, etc. They try to talk and reason with him and frankly, it doesn't work. I imagine that the parents would be displeased with any sort of consequence that the school might try to impose.
All that being said, he starts kindergarten in a public school this coming fall. Mutual friend (a kindergarten teacher herself) and I agree that once he gets to public school that the parents are going to be forced to address some of his issues whether they like it or not. I'm betting this kid isn't going to be in the public school system for long before he ends up with some sort of evaluation and/or intervention.
I should also add that there is absolutely no way this child has any sort of delays. If anything it's quite the opposite- he is a very sharp, smart boy.
Wow. What a horrible situation for everyone involved.
I agree I would be very concerned. I would have been concerned with the violence before my 2nd DC was born. Your whole description reminds me of the movie The Good Son.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13