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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
jenbowman
member
Spanking- Are u going to?
jenbowman
member
After being around my neice who is going through the terrible two's, the question arose about spanking. Are you going to spank your DC? Olivia is only 4 1/2 months but the terrible two's are right around the corner.
My sister is really struggling with her DD and doesn't want to spank b/c she is afraid it will teach her hitting is okay. Though I somewhat agree, all I can think about is how I was spanked and turned out fine. I was scared to get in trouble and that is how I want Olivia to feel about DH and I. DH is all for spanking when she gets older and I *think* I am too, but I can't imagine having to discipline my sweet Olivia.
What are your thoughts?
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Re: Spanking- Are u going to?
We are going to try really hard not to. I was spanked as a child, and I have noticed that when I get really frustrated or angry, I have a tendency to want to hit things.
But, I can't say that we absolutely will not, because I can't see the future.
I was spanked when I was little maybe 2 or 3 times that I can remember and that was when I was doing something really bad. However I never did that thing again either. I believe spanking is ok to an extent and only used as a last resort kinda thing and I dont believe doing it in public. But There is nothing wrong with a little discipline.
I firmly believe violence begets violence. I would never spank a child.
DD is 4 and time out/ time away from mom on the "Naughty Step" is akin to the worst punishement at Leavenworth for her. Removing her from the situation is just enough to make her straighten up and fly right.
DD at age 4, is only starting to recognize the real cause/effect of some actions. I think 2 is way too young. Redirection is much more effective in very young children.
edited for a typo
My reply is going to be long.
Let me start out by saying I was abused by my mother. She beat me frequently. Not always with her hand. Sometimes with objects. I was DEAD-SET against spanking in any form.
Then Tristan entered the Terrible Twos. And his are TERRIBLE. The ONLY thing that gets through to him sometimes is to swat his bottom. It just about kills me to do it. I feel guilty. I hate it. But he DOES.NOT.LISTEN. We are not the parents who give him whatever he wants whenever he wants it, either. We did not create this situation. He's just extremely independent and strong-willed. We do not beat him. He gets a swat on his rear. We don't smack his hands/feet/face/head/etc. Time out is POINTLESS. He started putting himself in time out to be a smartass.
So NEVER say never. I had to eat my words.
No.
We are going to try time-out first. I was spanked when I was younger and I do admit, it did put a fear of my parents into me, but I would rather try time-out with Sophia at first.
I have a 6 yr old stepdaughter that sometimes is the biggest trouble maker on earth. We have both wanted to spank but have resisted because we do feel it will teach her to hit.
I've noticed the one or two times that we've really yelled (and I mean screaming at the top of our lungs over some really bad stuff she did) - weeks later she'll scream in a manner that it's like we are yelling back at us. I hear our tones and see our mannerisms in her when she loses her temper. Like she soaked up our bad habits.
That confirmed we will never raise a hand or ever grab her in a manner that condones "man handling" as I call it. We keep our hands to ourselves or we go for a walk if we can't cool our jets.
We also cool off when we get upset and don't yell anymore. It teaches her, to us, that it's okay to loose her cool.
My inital response is "Never.... not my sweet boy!"
But, seriously... I was spanked and I STILL think my mother was irrational with her decision to spank me, I STILL feel like I got spanked for unwarranted things, which makes me against doing it myself.
However, I was a pretty well behaved child and feared/respected my mother growing up... so perhaps the spanking she did served its purpose.
First off, no I will not spank. I am 100% against it. It is humiliating for the child, and I agree with all the PPs that violence begets violence. I was not spanked; DH was; we are both in total agreement.
I am not flaming, but I also wanted to point out your sentence, " I was scared to get in trouble and that is how I want Olivia to feel about DH and I." Do you really mean that? I doubt it and I hope not... Do you really want your DC to be SCARED of you/DH and what you will do if he/she does something bad? I don't ever want my DD to fear us. In the long run, that will not be the most effective form of behavior development.
dont think we will. it prob does stem from a father who took 'spanking' too far and would discipline me while angry/in a rage.
Can any1 recommend a good book about alternatives to spanking....esp when young like 2 yrs old?
Ditto!
I know too much about modeling behavior. Violence begets violence. I also do not want my DD to be scared of DH and I. Do I want her to know their are consequences to her actions, of course. Do I want her to respect us, yes. But having her fear us is never something I'd want.
No, in my opinion, fear should not equal discipline. Discipline is about learning self control, not teaching children to fear you. I want Arlo to want to behave well for himself, not because he's afraid of what I might "do" to him.
Spanking does teach kids that it's ok to hit and it's hypocritical of parents to hit their kids and expect them not to do the same when they are upset or angry. How confusing is that to a child? Besides, I believe that most parents spank because they lose their patience and not because they are trying to teach their kids a "lesson".
If you can teach kids to develop an internal locus of control, then there desire to please comes from within and not from fear of "getting caught". They grow up wanting to be "good" for their own wellbeing, not just for others. It's a much more challenging way to parent, but most things that are worth doing in life are not easy.
This is not my first choice of disipline. I was spanked as a child and swore that I would never hit my child...that being said I was pretty bad and acted out way more then I should have. I will not say never though.
yep! If it's warranted or a time out. depends on the situation. I agree with Chalm... I wasn't abused but she hit the nail on the head...
Violence does not beget violence, sorry. It's not violence it's discpline! Half the bratty stuck up teenagers these days wouldn't be doing half of what they are if their parents would have spanked them instead of the "no no susie, we don't throw rocks at cars now do we?" Bull shiit they get now. There's NO discipline anymore. That's why 14 year olds are having sex, getting pregnant and throwing their babies in the trash!!! there's been 3 or 4 babies found in garbage cans in the past 2 weeks here and it's all young girls that get away with what they want. NO ONE paid enough attention to the 14 year old to notice she was even pregnant!!!! What does that tell you? there needs to be more discipline....
I was spanked all the time when I was little. I do not feel abused and I do not act in rage when I'm mad.
I have watched my nephew have timeouts done since he was 9 months old and they don't work. He thinks it is a game.
Well, that probably has more to do with the fact that they started disciplining a BABY at 9 months old! It is so maddening to me that people do not understand normal child development and think that a 9 month old could "act out" in any way shape or form that warrants ANY type of discipline. God, read a book people!! It's OUR JOB as parents to protect and redirect babies and toddlers to activities that are safe, it's not the child's responsibility to understand right from wrong at that age.
And Jenbowman, not to put words in your mouth, but I have a feeling that your first thought wasn't "what are mom and dad going to think" It was more likely "what are mom and dad going to do." Completely different thought processes in my opinion. Also, this is when that internal locus of control comes into play. Again, behaving well and making good choices for yourself, not for others.
My parents didn't spank, and I would avoid getting in trouble in school because I learned the difference between wrong and right. Sure, I wanted to please my parents...but I wasn't afraid of them. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I think its because they were about positive reinforcement rather than punishment. I agree with Rob&Heidi's assessment: They grow up wanting to be "good" for their own wellbeing, not just for others.
Problems are actually associated with spanking.
These are just a few studies I found in a very brief search.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/11/051114110820.htm
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080228220451.htm
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080623102530.htm
https://www.nospank.net/correlationstudy.htm
https://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/abstract/161/7/805
https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/113/5/1321
Does this mean spanking=problems for every child, of course not. But it would make me wary of doing it. Not to mention all the studies that show children learn from modeling behavior. I agree with pp, how is spanking not violence? Its hitting...if a child sees you as a parental figure hitting them, why would they not model that behavior and hit too?
I agree that there needs to be discipline and that too many kids run wild with little consequence. But spanking is not the only form of discipline.
HOLYSHIT, I can't believe so many of you people are going to hit your kids! What year is it? What are you teaching them? Wowza!
I was scared to DEATH of doing bad things because my parents disciplined me without beating my_ass! If all you have in your punishment arsenal is a hand to whack your kid, that makes me sad.
Nope. I was spanked a few times as a child and honestly, it never taught me anything. My parents were great parents, but if I could change one thing, it would be the spanking. It humiliated me, but that's about it.
DH is pro-spanking. We'll just have to see how things go when she gets older.?