A loss is a loss (DH vent)

suntoto · April 2010

Ughh. I had this discussion with DH last night and told him rather point blank that IMO, it does not matter the gestational age of the fetus, a loss is a loss and is hard no matter what. He still did not believe me and seems to think it is harder if the gestational age of the fetus is longer. What started this conversation is that a coworker (more like irker) of his just went through a loss at 25 weeks. It occured at the same time we went through our ectopic 2nd loss.

Why do people have to compete over which type of loss is worse? It doesn't matter which, they all suck and hurt and leave a whole in your heart. I am really frustrated that he was doing this. grrrrrrr...

Lissa832 · April 2010

I agree with you. Generally, people believe that the longer you are pregnant, the greater the loss, which is why you always hear, "Well be glad that you lost it now instead of later." Actually, it sucks either way, so no I'm not glad.

ikissedthecook · April 2010

I whole-heartedly agree. There may be different kinds of hurt involved, but it all hurts and that's what matters.

OscarQ · April 2010

All losses suck and each one is awful and each person's grief is unique. I'm sorry - this isn't a competion.

companion cube · April 2010

They are all *different* but that does not make one form of loss greater or worse. It's just different, and comparing is stupid.

KatInTheHat28 · April 2010

OscarQ:
All losses suck and each one is awful and each person's grief is unique. I'm sorry - this isn't a competion.

Agree.

noah-bear · April 2010

Lissa832:
I agree with you. Generally, people believe that the longer you are pregnant, the greater the loss, which is why you always hear, "Well be glad that you lost it now instead of later." Actually, it sucks either way, so no I'm not glad.

My mom said that to me. Her words were "There was something wrong with the baby, just be glad it happened earlier".

Ok then, thanks mom.

I agree. A loss is a loss. While having a loss later on would hurt my heart longer and greater, I'm still just as broken.

alittleglowingfriend · April 2010

Lissa832:
I agree with you. Generally, people believe that the longer you are pregnant, the greater the loss, which is why you always hear, "Well be glad that you lost it now instead of later." Actually, it sucks either way, so no I'm not glad.

This.

suntoto · April 2010

OscarQ:
All losses suck and each one is awful and each person's grief is unique. I'm sorry - this isn't a competion.

I think you misunderstood. I NEVER said it was a competition. I disagree with DH b/c his comment made it sound like it was a competition.

3ltlones · April 2010

this was just my blog entry...kind of. I don't know why people insist on competing with every aspect of life, it's frustrating. Why would you want to compete about the loss of a child.

I have had losses early and late, they all hurt. They were different feelings for me, but they both hurt the same.

ihearteddieboo · April 2010

I agree with you too. A loss is a loss no matter what, and it hurts. We're all hurting here, some more than others, but the hurt is still here.

Cow-girl · April 2010

I agree 100% A loss is a loss whether it is 4 wks or 40 wks, they ALL suck!

dondraandluis · April 2010

I totally agree with you!

MrsAMM · April 2010

companion cube:
They are all *different* but that does not make one form of loss greater or worse. It's just different, and comparing is stupid.

My thoughts exactly.

ksyknelvr73 · April 2010

I can see what he is saying and why he might think that, but I think that once you experience a loss (no matter when it may be), you fully understand that it hurts either way. I have no idea how I'd react if I had a late loss, and I hope I never know, but at the same time, I know my early loss really jacked me up emotionally.

JuJuBe3 · April 2010

I totally agree with you, especially in the fact that it is not a competition. The fact of the matter is, with each loss, we each lost a child (or more). I never have understood why some people try to 'one up' each other in the tragedy department.

tamhen1979 · April 2010

cowgirl:
I agree 100% A loss is a loss whether it is 4 wks or 40 wks, they ALL suck!

I agree 100% too.

grr_aargh · April 2010

My DH kept saying that after our 2nd loss. . . like at least our losses were earlier. . .

But you know, that doesn't make them suck any less. It makes the nature of the loss different, but what I've discovered is that there's a general sentiment that a 20 week loss is different from a 5 week loss is different from a 40 week loss, and I think that's kind of unfair. It's so dismissive of women who have legitimate losses but weren't pregnant "long enough" for the WORLD to see that loss - and the subsequent grief - as legit.

That's like saying to someone "Thank god your child died at 4 instead of 18. That would have really sucked."

celestej619 · April 2010

suntoto:

Ughh. I had this discussion with DH last night and told him rather point blank that IMO, it does not matter the gestational age of the fetus, a loss is a loss and is hard no matter what. He still did not believe me and seems to think it is harder if the gestational age of the fetus is longer. What started this conversation is that a coworker (more like irker) of his just went through a loss at 25 weeks. It occured at the same time we went through our ectopic 2nd loss.

Why do people have to compete over which type of loss is worse? It doesn't matter which, they all suck and hurt and leave a whole in your heart. I am really frustrated that he was doing this. grrrrrrr...

I agree with you completely.

kmount · April 2010

I agree, though it is a more public pain when it's later. Very few people knew I was Pg because it was still so early, but I can imagine it lingers longer (in public, though not necessarily in your heart) when you were further along because you run into people who knew you were pg and don't know you lost it.

In the end, a loss is a loss and the personal pain of that can't and shouldn't be one-upped.

jdmiller28 · April 2010

I agree, a loss is a loss - no matter what stage you're in.

The only thing I see, IMHO, is that for me, I lost my son at 17wks pregnancy and I, at times, find it hard when a family member is telling me about their loss at 7 weeks. I still feel sad that they m/c, but at the same time it's just a different feeling - and I'm sure a person that loses their baby at 25wks can't relate to my loss at 17wks, but the sympathy and sadness is there. (Does that make sense?)

But still - a loss is a loss and it hurts because as soon as you see that indicator line saying "PREGNANT," as a mother you're attached to that little guy/girl in your uterus.

ksiebert1974 · April 2010

I concur with the consensus here that a loss is a loss and that all suck.

That being said, my loss was at 8w6d. I was a wreck for 2 weeks and then started coming out of the fog. I can't even fathom how it would have handled it at 20or 25 weeks when there was an actual physical child that you can see and hold. I guess because at that point I would have thought I was out of the woods so it would be so much more shocking. While I never anticipated this m/c, I knew the possibility was stronger until I got past 12 weeks.

At the end of the day, it basically comes down to the one thing we all know too well...those that have not experienced this will not ever know the magnitude of how hard this is. It's just not possible to empathize until you have actually been there - don't care if you are the SO, BFF, whatever. I had a lot of people say to me "good thing it happened early" which sucks to hear - there is no "good" in this at all. The only good would be if it had not happened at all!

jdmiller28 · April 2010

ksiebert1974:

That being said, my loss was at 8w6d. I was a wreck for 2 weeks and then started coming out of the fog. I can't even fathom how it would have handled it at 20or 25 weeks when there was an actual physical child that you can see and hold. I guess because at that point I would have thought I was out of the woods so it would be so much more shocking. While I never anticipated this m/c, I knew the possibility was stronger until I got past 12 weeks.

This exactly. It was such a shock when went into the doctor for a high-risk u/s and found that my water had broken at 15weeks. I thought I was homefree after my 1st tri ended.

BeachCole · April 2010

toddandjulie:
I totally agree with you, especially in the fact that it is not a competition. The fact of the matter is, with each loss, we each lost a child (or more). I never have understood why some people try to 'one up' each other in the tragedy department.

Couldn't have said it better.

suntoto · April 2010

lrachelle80:
ksiebert1974:
That being said, my loss was at 8w6d. I was a wreck for 2 weeks and then started coming out of the fog. I can't even fathom how it would have handled it at 20or 25 weeks when there was an actual physical child that you can see and hold. I guess because at that point I would have thought I was out of the woods so it would be so much more shocking. While I never anticipated this m/c, I knew the possibility was stronger until I got past 12 weeks.
I totally agree all losses suck massive donkey balls. I will also agree with ksiebert that I was mentally prepared for the possibility the first 12 weeks. I had a scare early on and was near hysterics, but when comparing my feelings from the early scare when I thought I lost the baby to the feelings I had after 19w when I actually did, they were different. I had relaxed into the "safe" time and was solidly into the 2nd tri and so close to V-day that it was that much more shocking when it did happen. Prior to 12 weeks I always had it in the back of my head that it might happen, so I while I know I would have been completely devastated and crushed if I lost the baby during that time frame, I don't think it would have SHOCKED me as much. If that makes sense?

So it is a competition to you? I am not understanding what your point is.

SweetieD21 · April 2010

Yes, I agree that a loss is a loss, but I do think that how you react and get throught it, has a lot to do with how far along you were. I lost our baby at 18 weeks, and I was an emotional wreck for at least a week afterwards, crying every day. A friend of mine had a m/c at 5 weeks. She called me the day it was confirmed and said it is what it is, and that she was over it. I was kind of taken back by her reaction!

sunshinenva · April 2010

I could not agree with you more. I cannot tell you how many people tried to comfort me by providing stories of people they knew who were further along than me or the fact they suffered more losses than me. Because of this information according to them I should have been "grateful"!!!! CRAP!

I am sorry that DH is out of touch with reality. He needs a swift kick to the rear.

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