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1st Trimester
Mrs.Johns
member
Is anyone else dreading telling? (vent)
Mrs.Johns
member
I just wish I could keep this a secret until the baby comes. I don't want the attention, the belly rubbing, the questions about what is the sex, what is the name, wow you are huge, yadda yadda yadda yadda. I don't want to deal with my ILs and my dad and step-mom (mom and step-dad are the only ones that know), the family drama (christening or not, what hospital I chose-- that's too far away!, what the middle name is, why aren't you telling us the name?, so glad that you are finally having a kid). And most of all, I don't want to deal with 28723498273423 people visiting at the hosptial and wanting to come over to my house all. the. time.
This probably sounds super bratty. BUT my parents are divorced and remarried read: 6 parents between my parents and the ILs. Not to mention, it's the first grandchild for ALL 6 parents and 4 of the families are huge. 
And everyone is hoping for a girl.
I just wish that DH and I could live in peace and have our little family (boy or girl we don't care) and only deal with my mom and step dad because they are the cool ones.
Anyway, if you made it this far, kudos. Is anyone else in the same position? Too much family, too many people, just want to be left the hell alone!
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Re: Is anyone else dreading telling? (vent)
i didn't want to tell with my 1st- simply because i can't stand all the attention (does that make me sound stuck up?- zomg, so much attention on meee!!!- ha)
but seriously. i didn't. thankfully, after we told our families pretty much left it at that. probably helped that my in laws (1st grandchild) are super quiet & respect our privacy & my parent already had 6 granddaughters
but i do feel you. and you know what- if you want to avoid the hospital thing & the visiting for the first couple weeks- seriously lie about your due date.
sounds weird- but my friend did it. she told them she was due a month later than she was. so she went into labor, had her baby- they stayed at home for 1 week & then called the family. was the family miffed? yes- but they got over it once they saw the baby
and you could shorten it. don't tell them when you're in labor & then tell them a couple days after- then you avoid all the annoying visitors aspect.
look at the birds | bless this food
I understand how you feel. I was dreading telling certain people mainly because I have an "off" relationship with said people.
Word started getting around so I had to spill the beans. I dreaded calling, but I got the news out. It isn't so bad now that it is out though.
I'm already getting tired of the "How are you feeeeeeeelling?" question. I say fine, and then they ask me the very next day. My answer is always fine... but they keep asking like as if they are expecting me to say something else. I knew all this attention was going to irk me, but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too!
I definitely feel for you! We didn't tell anyone we were even trying, so when we told people I was pregnant, we got some dirty looks. Come on - did you want to be in the bedroom with us????!!!!
We kind of have a problem too. My husband hasn't talked to his mom (and stepdad) for over three years. (LONG story) He called her last weekend to tell her about peanut. He tried calling 4 times and never got to talk to her and she never called him back. I told him kudos for calling and if she wants to be a b!tch for not calling back, then he doesn't need to keep calling. We figured she already knows through the family grapevine anyway.
We have already discussed not telling anyone that s/he is born until we are ready for guests. Horrible? yes. Selfish? yes. Necessary? Yes.
I know I just have to get over it. I just hope it's old news and fast!
I understand and I do not think you're being a brat. My parents are good, but my inlaws are really nuts about this stuff. MIL & SIL have been tryign to "convince" me to have a baby since befroe we even got married!
We finally did tell them last weekend and it wasn't as bad as I had thought. (I expected my MIL to say something like "We're having a baby". ) So far, there's just been a lot of skipping around with joy, which just makes me uncomfortable.
All are very opinionated and gave me lots of unsolicited advice. We've already told them that I do NOT want my belly touched (dude, that's my stomach. Want me to grab your boob?)
The best advice I ever got is to point blank tell people how you feel and kick them out of your home when you don't want them there. It's YOUR life, not theirs.
seriously DO it!!! don't chicken out
i so wish we'd done that with alex- and we can't this time cause we need someone to watch her- ha!
and yeah- i guess getting over it is a must- huh? heh.
people tend to bug you in the begining & at the end- so you get a few months of peace & quiet!
look at the birds | bless this food
Haha we are doing that. My mom is about to explode. I can't make her wait much past 1st tri. That would be mean, the poor thing. lol
i have the same number of parents as DH's side is divorced/remarried, but since he cut out his mom/stepdad (long story) we only deal with my folks (good relationship) and his dad and stepmom (ok relationship). His stepmom is the one I don't want to deal with, even though she is a nice person, she's just ultra opinionated and i don't want her input on, well, ANYTHING.
I don't want them visiting me in the hospital either but I know i couldn't get away with that. I'm sure they'll be there when I deliver, along with my family (that I want there, totally.)
the rest of the nonsense like the "how are you feeling/what are you naming the kid/you're getting so big" doesn't bug me too much, except when i just puke and then get motherly lectures about it from my secretary. She's sweet but sometimes I can't deal with it.
I haven't even thought of that! lol
It's like that "how's school" question when you are away at school. I swear as long as I live I will never ask anyone that question.
I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you thought, that's what I"m hoping for too.
I hear ya! I'm in NO hurry to tell some of our family either.
My parents have taken smothering us to new levels ever since we had my DD. They're obsessed with buying her useless crap and they love to feed her like she's a dog. Here come have a treat!
Then my SIL is going to freak out when she finds out we're pregnant again. She has major competitive issues with her brother (my dh) even though he's 4 years older. When we told his family we were pregnant with #1, she ran out of the room crying because she wanted to be 1st.
That is just plain shitty. I'm sorry she is a douche.
Yup I totally understand. I was really hesitant to start telling people, especially the in-laws (they have zero understanding of personal boundaries). DH was really excited to tell them of course and so far no problems. I'm sure it will be more difficult as the time gets closer, also not a fan of the belly touching or non-stop attention.
I have no idea what we are going to do when baby arrives. MIL currently shows up at my SILs homes and won't leave. SIL had to put on her baby's coat and load her up in the car to get her to finally leave. Ugh. Not a fan of people coming in and out of my house all the time.
The skipping with joy will make me want to puke. I totally feel you on that!
That is good advice. I am planning to tell everyone not to touch my damn belly. That is just so rude!
Sounds like my step-mom. Except she can be a real snatch on top of it. Good times.
LOL Too bad we can't set up a hospital ban list.
I feel the EXACT same way. And same with me; first grandchild on either side. Lots of pressure haha.
I don't want to feel obligated to spend time with people I don't like being around just so they can be around my baby. I'm not so concerned with my family as SO's (esp his mom). Makes me kind of sad. I don't want her around!
I keep trying to tell myself they all are just going to love the baby and while they may annoy the hell out of me, it's nice the baby will have so many people who adore it.
The one area I can control is work; I told my direct boss early on in case anything emergent happened and I told the girl I eat lunch with everyday because she would've figured it out anyways. Other than that I'm keeping it to myself for as long as possible. I work with a bunch of know it all's, I'd bet good money at least 3 people will say I KNEW IT! And I haven't gained weight, I havent been sick in front of them, they'll just say it to take away from the news. Ugh.
PS Mrs J I hope you have a boy. Just to stick it to 'em
Just remember that you are in charge and you can always tell the nurses at the hospital to keep everyone out. They will do it
Oh god. That's just horrible. All of it. Sounds like we are in the same boat. MIL is the queen of useless crap.
I told my family and friends from home because they all live far away and they are like me, no shower or big parade, no touching or invasive questions just a congrats.
We told his family later (between 13-16 weeks).
We didn't really "tell" a lot of other people. Those that we did tell (very few) I got to between 17-22 weeks. The rest I just let figure out on their own which was about at 24-25 weeks. I wear a sweatshirt all the time to avoid stranger comments. Although this is getting harder as the weather warms up.
As to how to handle comments, I am evasive and non committal. My favorite replies are:
1. We haven't gotten that far yet
2. We're still thinking about it
3. Oh, you know the usual
Then I change the subject to something going on in their lives.
Most people will take social cues and if you cue them that you don't really want to talk and gush about it. Those that don't you just have to be straight with them as in "that's between my husband and I".
We will not be receiving visitors in the hospital. I will def. not be calling anyone when I go into labor and have clued people in slowly like when they start talking about how they went to see so and so after the delivery or how they were in the waiting room when their sister delivered I just say stuff like "yeah, we would rather wait until we get home to have visitors. Otherwise I'm going to feel like everyone is sitting outside my door waiting and that's just too much pressure".
Stick to your guns and good luck.
I couldn't wait to tell everyone. I love telling people. Having my parents and his parents that are going to want to be around 24-7 is a little annoying. His parents are constantly asking me how I am doing. Both of our parents live close by and already seem in competition with each other. I think his mom is trying to already buy everything for us not realizing that my parents want to help with some of the big items we need.
I just try to understand that they are all excited. A few days after the baby is born and we get home I just plan on telling the family we need a little quiet time. Of course unless I am freaking out and want my mom there haha!
i can't remember, but whoever posted that their DH called his mom 4 times and she won't call back? I feel for you.
honestly we aren't even telling DH's mom & stepdad. We have no relationship with them. Having a baby doesn't create a relationship.
And my stepmom-in-law is generally well-intentioned, not a snatch, so that's a bonus, but she is too much sometimes. She has extreme opinions and I don't really respect her "credentials" on medicine or parenting, so I don't want her input on either. I see a real doctor, not whatever she is (not an M.D. or a D.O. but a bunch of initials that mean, essentially, trained in hoodoo), and for parenting advice, I turn to my mom, not her, who has a home-schooled 8 year old with the social development of a 3 year old. sorry, end vent.
But I know that last time I was in the hospital, I was pissy because DH called his family (understandable, he was concerned, I'd had 3 heart attacks, isn't that fun?) and they showed up without calling. And you know what? I didn't let them come in and see me. They sat for hours in the waiting room and DH went out and told them to go home and we'd call if we needed anything. My parents visited me and DH was with me for some of the time. My pastor came too. But I just don't need extra people hanging around me when I'm in the hospital. I wish I could apply the same ban to the hospital when I deliver, but I know I can't. I just control who is in the room when I actually deliver. Everyone else is banned from seeing me or coming in the room without express permission from me.
In my bag: Nikon D90; 35mm 1.8, 90mm 2.8 macro (my fave), Lensbaby Composer with macro extensions. BFP after 13 cycles and one ectopic. Lost left tube 5/19/10.
I only dread the aftermath coming from two people- my MIL and my best friend form childhood. Both of whom can be smothering and will constantly in my face asking questions and giving unsolicited advice. MIL won't come over all the time, but BF will try to visit every two weeks form out of town and want to spend the night. She is tiring as it is.
Spacebunny - that was me posting about DH's mom.
I like what you said about having a baby doesn't create a relationship with them. That is completely true! We don't have a relationship with them now, so I wonder why we think we would have a good one with them if we told them about peanut.
I think I'm going to pass that along to DH. Thanks!
I don't want to tell everyone b/c I fear they'll think we're crazy. I'm a FT WOHM and I have no intentions of stopping just b/c I have 3 kids.
I am dreading telling work, I think they're going to be upset. I work for a small company and it will impact them. But, I have a life to live outside of work too.
This!!! Except it's only my Mother. I regret, every single day, that I ever told her I was pregnant.
Phone call after phone call, email after email always the same questions.
I dread having to deal with her when this baby comes. She makes my life a living pure HELL
Well, regardless it's not fun being under a microscope like an ant in an ant farm (sometimes like an ant under a magnifying glass in the sun).
This is great advice. I answered with one of these three answers a LOT. When I strayed from these answers was when I ran into trouble.
I also fully intend to tell all family that we do NOT want family at the hospital until after I give birth. And even then, it will be limited.
Hope this helps you feel better. Just know that you're not alone!
Oh my. That doesn't sound fun.
I hear you on the zero personal boundaries!!
We just went public yesterday and today. I was pretty nervous about telling because like you I don't want the belling rubbing, the "advice", and the constant questions.
I just sucked it up and got it over with, and it wasn't so bad. However, ask me again in another month when I'm showing more and I might have a different answer.
@eandm--thanks, you read enough posts and you miss who said what sometimes. i feel for your situation and can totally relate. i hope you guys figure out how to handle it in a way that makes you comfortable and at peace with your decision.
DH's relationship with his mom and his dad and their subsequent spouses has never been great, but as DH got older, his dad worked to create a relationship. His mom and stepdad treated him cruelly and essentially kicked him out because he asked his mom about why they didn't take him to church growing up. He moved in with his paternal grandmother as he was working three jobs and going to college at the time.
After getting kicked out, DH tried to reconnect with his mom and stepdad and had a tenuous relationship with them until we were getting married. They again showed their true nature, and DH chose to not have them at the wedding. (His brother and mom's parents did come as they knew DH was not in the wrong on that.)
His stepdad sent an attacking letter while we were on our honeymoon, which DH didn't respond to, and we have not heard from them since. DH sent flowers on the last two mother's days and his mom never acknowledged she received them. (Essentially, stepdad is the a$$ but DH's mom does not do anything to stop him.)
So DH gave up. And our kid will have four awesome grandparents (even if sometimes a little strange grandparents who are really into alternative medicine and think everything causes cancer) and won't miss not having 2 more. Four is a complete set!
There is a difference between caring and caring TOO much. You begin to feel like you are the first pregnant woman in the world and you don't require THAT much attention, you just want to be pregnant and enjoy it without all the outside meddling.
I know EXACTLY where Mrs.Johns is coming from.
I feel the same. It's not my core family it's all of the other people.. the iLs and my dad. I feel like they are all just waiting for us to have a kid to bring everyone "closer." It's bull.
And LOL about the boy, that would be funny.
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Yeah, it is great advice. I am totally going to do that.
Our hospital has very very limited hours (yes!!).
It does make me feel better that I'm not alone!
Exactly. God forbid someone wants some alone time. And everyone gets offended about everything.
I think this is a great thing to do. Your new family will need time to bond. You can't do that with a bunch of people around. They will understand. If they don't, they will get over it.
(I made the mistake of not setting limits on visitors after my son was born. I won't make the same mistake again.)
Sorry, I can't relate. My first pregnancy DH wanted to keep it a secret until out of the first trimester. We announced on my dad's birthday. He died suddenly and unexpectantly 2 weeks before my due date. I realize in the grand scheme of things it doesn't make a difference, but I really regret that he didn't know those 3 extra months that we were keeping it a secret. He never got to meet his first grandchild and never knew it was a boy.
As a result, this time I'm telling everyone I know as soon as I see them in person. I know my case isn't typical, but I really appreciated all the support after my baby came.