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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Q for SMs or BMs I guess
Phantomgirl
member
Anyone feel like their SO/DH leaves everything up to them. I asked Fi several time about SSs communion, he told me to call BM. I asked him about a gift, he said whatever I think. Just now he forwarded me a text from BM. No can you deal with this hun, nothing just her text forwarded to me as if it has nothing to do with him. I called him about the text and he couldn't answer because he hadn't even read it.
BMs do any of you feel like your ex's hand things off and if so how do you feel about it?
Also anyone any input on how the kids feel about this or how it will affect them long term?
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Re: Q for SMs or BMs I guess
First, I have to start by saying, my DH loves his little boy more than life.
BUT as far as 'scheduling things' and getting things going, he relies completely on me to do it. We have had conversations about it and he has flat out told me 'I leave it up to you because you are better at it'. haha! Now, I agree with him but I get frustrated when he has no input! If I plan part of a day and just ask 'so would you like to do this or this for lunch?' he will say 'whatever you want hun'. or 'I don't care'. I know he thinks he's just helping me out by letting me pick what I want, but I want HIS input! I am the one who plans almost everything with SS. I plan our day trips, our vacations, when we have family pictures or when we do his pictures for a certain occasion. Last year I took the time out of my day to go to his grandma's on a day she was watching him to have him make a mothers day gift for his mom because I knew DH wouldn't do anything (not that he would have to but I just felt it was important).
He may have forwarded you her text because, maybe he feels like if you deal with it, there won't be any questions from you. I always ask my DH a nmillion questions when anything with BM comes up, so usually he just hands me the phone and says 'here read'. lol. He figures it's easier perhaps?
As far as effecting the SC, we haven't gotten to that point yet. I have no constructive feedback.
In the long run, I think traditionally in most families (don't flame, I know there's exceptions, I'm just generalizing here) the 'mom' role does the bulk of the planning (ie pictures, birthdays, first communions, vacations, day trips) and men just kind of go with it as we plan. I don't think he is doing it to piss you off or make you feel like your stuck with everything, he may not even realize he's doing it. Maybe sit down and talk with him? I've done that with my DH, and at least now he 'gets' what I"m saying and makes more of an effort to not ALWAYS rely on me (although, he still does for the most part, he just 'doesn't do it as good as me')
Sorry, that was long :-(
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
OMG-We married the same man! (ok, almost...)
I purposefully did not buy an Easter Card for MIL. I asked DH about a Mother's Day card-he said for me to get one. Um, I am not the card purchaser-he needs to take some responsibility for these things... (BTW- I rarely get any cards from him and told him I'm not buying him any, any more-not being snotty, just not).
I call it LAZY. He calls it-well, you're there... get one.
As for BM and texts... I'm fortunate he doesn't have me really have much contact with her, but for gifts-he does put thought into it-just not things like cards and timing. HTH
DH does some of this too. I think it's because he gets easily frustrated with BM and all her games and would rather just not deal with it as a means to make it go away, where as I'll handle it head on as a means to make it go away or at the very least turn it into something usual for our custody case. DH was very wary of rocking the boat with BM early on in our relationship, but he sees now that BM will walk all over him if he doesn't stand up for his rights, or at the very least, double check what his rights are and not just take BM's word for it. That's where I come in!
For the most part, I'm fine with handling stuff, because then I know it gets done the right way. But sometimes it's frustrating when I ask him to do something for our case, because if it's something I could have done, I would have, but there are some things that he just has to handle, and I get annoyed when I have to ask him to handle it multiple times. Please don't take this as him not fighting for SD, it's more than he doesn't know what to do or how to do it and he does not want to deal with BM! For us, all of this is behind the scenes, so SD knows nothing about it. As far as daily stuff with SD, I think I do alot of it because DH goes to work very early, so I usually get SD ready for the day and do other typical 'mom' type things...cook dinner, laundry, help her clean her room or help her with chores, planning play dates and parties, etc. DH does homework with her though, so it all works out where we both are doing stuff for and with SD.
Chrissy I know he forwarded it to me because it required me to book tickets for SSs play online and he would have no idea where to begin. BUT still, take some responsibility.
Lorelai (sp?) we definitely have the same DH, Fi was mad at me on Sun because we forgot his nieces birthday. He actually copped an attitude with me over it, like it was my duty to shop for his family.
LOL - In the time I have been typing this he just called and asked me what was for dinner.
How did he handle these situations before you came in the picture?
As far as dealing with BM, DH does 99% of it these days. Before we moved (nearly a year ago) I did some of the pick ups and would call/text her for specific time/place. But now I rarely even see her.
As far as everything else. DH leaves most of it up to me. I think that is "typically" how it is. Honestly, I don't mind. DH is one of these that would lose his head if it wasn't attached!
I handle doucheface and EQB. H and I make decisions together when it comes to gathering and relaying information, that's my job as their mother. I expect him to help me parent, which he does very well. But I think unless individual situations mandate it, the bioparents should be responsible for the bulk of communication and negotation.
I think H would be quite peeved if I expect him to handle most of what pertains to the kids. And I admit that part of my issue with the doucher is that he seems to allow EQB to take the majority of the responsibility for pinky, although, thus far, he is the one who emails and he is the one that does the talking on pick up and drop off.
To be fair though, I think it would strange in a "traditional" relationship if the father left the bulk of care and decision making to mom. Why, because you have the ovaries?
Click me, click me!
As a BM.....DD's SM has never spoken to me at all. She sees me at recitals,ect. and looks away from me. But as long as she's nice to DD, I could care less if she ever talked to me. So DD's BF or BF's mom (LOL) talk to me about everything....lately BF has been calling me more but it use to always be his mother calling. I'm sure SM and he discuss things before hand but I don't know that for sure. He's still not quite grown up and I wonder if SM is the same and that's why she "ignores" me.
As a SM.......with BM, DH deals with all discussions with her but we discuss everything beforehand. BM, however, does talk to me at the kid's activities,ect. we just don't discuss anything other than casual stuff and leave all the "legalities" for DH to discuss with her.
I couldn't handle that. As much as I love being the planner and the go-to person for taking charge of family stuff, having an apathetic DH would tick me off. What does your DH say when you talk to him about being more involved?
I am a single mom, and I feel like I do everything ds-related. Ex wouldn't know when preschool registration was due, or that we have to sign up for soccer in May even though it doesn't start until August, or call to find out how to enroll ds in swimming lessons, or remember that our family doc books up pretty fast so if you want a 4 year old check up at a certain time, you book it far in advance -- none of that. Sometimes it drives me batty, but then I realize that if he tried to do any of this stuff, his track record (even from when we were married) shows that it wouldn't get done right and I'd have to fix it anyway, so I kind of prefer to just know that I need to be responsible for these things. Know what I mean?
It's the same way with "our" dog. I had to take the dog to the vet this weekend for her annual physical so that they'd renew her heartworm preventative and ex-h asked me several times why I was taking her in. Um, because it's April and every April since we got her 8 years ago we take her to get her vaccines up to date and re-up her heartworm meds.
DH does most of the talking to BM. There's a lot of "Let me talk with J and get back to you" since I keep the schedule and he'd be clueless without me! LOL! I actually prefer it this way so that I always know what's going on. : )
The only times I step in to actually talk with her are when the kids are solely my responsibility for something (i.e. DH is at a game or something so I do pick up or drop off) or when she's being ridiculous and he refuses to escalate a situation or her solution will greatly impact our already set plans. An example of that was the time that she demanded we go by the CO regarding a holiday. It was Thanksgiving and the CO stated we had the kids from 8am - 8pm. We were hosting the meal. She wanted DH to leave his guests at 6:30 in the evening to have the kids back to her by 8pm, but wouldn't give a reason why. He was going to do it just to get her out of our hair. This was the first holiday we'd been married and it was his family we were hosting. I wasn't having it, so I got on the phone and asked why they needed to be back. She said she had a brunch Friday morning with her BF's family. I told her she had two choices, either I brought the kids back Friday morning showered and in time for her brunch or she could come out and get them herself at 8pm Thursday night since the CO says nothing about DH having to pick up and deliver the kids. When the hour+ drive was going to impact her holiday, she quickly changed her tune and accepted that I drop the kids with her Friday morning.
Maybe that's why she doesn't like escalating with DH as much anymore? LOL!