My H and I don't talk anymore. :/

sleepingbeauty825 · March 2010

I feel like we are two strangers living in the same house. We never talk, and we we do it's either about Simon or something the other just doesn't care about. I feel like we have no real conversations. When he gets home from work, I tell him about my day while he pretends to listen and he tells me about his day while I pretend to listen. I usually excuse myself for some alone time, whether it be a bath, go to the store, or just to mess around on the Bump for a while, baby free. The rest of the evening consists of me or him (never us) playing with Simon and then after Simon goes down we both do our own separate thing. I feel almost like I don't care, either and I don't know if that's some remnant of baby blues or if I truly don't care. I feel like we really don't have anything in common right now. It used to be that we could commiserate over work stuff, but now that I'm at home I've got nothing to talk about.

There are times I get so annoyed, seeing him mess around on his phone or the computer, wondering to myself who he thinks he is ignoring me like that. The catch is, I'm not willing to put down what I'm doing to spend time with him either. I don't know what to do. We can't afford to go to counseling right now, but I'm starting to feel unsatisfied. Maybe it's not him, just my being unsatisfied from SAH reflecting on him? I don't know, but I had to get this off my chest.

Danikat15 · March 2010

::hugs::

I hear that the first year of parenthood is tough on a marriage. I would sit down and talk to your DH. He might be feeling the same way.

Sawyerplus1 · March 2010

Do your best to talk it out with him, hopefully avoiding an argument. You're both going through a HUGE change and learning how to adapt. I know after DS was born, DH and I went through something very similar. It was really, really tough, but it passed. Keep your head up (and talk to people if you can).?

KateLouise · March 2010

I think it's really easy to fall into this. You're both tired. You're isolated from adult company and perhaps resent his freedom during the day. He doesn't get how all consuming the baby is and perhaps misses being the one to get all your attention.

I know I've struggled when I'm felt like DH got to just walk away from the baby and didn't seem to get that the baby and her demands never end.

We've gotten into the habit of always sitting down for dinner together at the dining table. Depending on when LO is due to eat we either eat before or after her evening feed and bath time. It's nice just to catch up and have some facetime with each other.

We've also gotten into having "family counsel" time. LO has gotten really good at holding her head while on her tummy. So after her bath we all get down on our bellies and we just goof around while talking with her. It just happened by accident one night, but now it's a regular thing if we're both free and one of us isn't busy cooking dinner.

So I guess I'm saying maybe look for ways to reconnect with DH and as a family unit.

If you're putting LO to bed maybe take the effort to say good night to Daddy and have a little chat even it's just, "goodnight kisses for daddy, see you tomorrow, mwah"

If DH is on the computer then bring LO in to "see what Daddy is doing"...again just creating ways to engage even if the chatter is just meaningless at this point.

Also I think it's important to show your appreciation of your DH with thank yous etc.

I know you say perhaps you just don't care, so maybe faking it till you make it is relevant for you.

Also, and maybe most importantly, look after you!! Do you need DH to mind LO while you go for a walk? Can you catch up with a freind for coffee during the week? Is there a parent group you can connect with to get you out of the house? Is there a hobbie you used to love that has fallen by the wayside?

Good luck.

Sawyerplus1 · March 2010

Danikat15:
::hugs::
I hear that the first year of parenthood is tough on a marriage.? I would sit down and talk to your DH.? He might be feeling the same way.

Good point. Very likely your DH is feeling the same way, so be considerate of that too. And be sure to make time for just the two of you. As soon as your comfortable, leave DC and go to a movie or dinner, or even a walk around the block, just the two of you.?

denahamilton@cox.net · March 2010

I felt the exact same way you did after having my first baby...I promise you with a little effort on your part and his things will get better! You need to sit down with him and have a good conversation about how you are feeling. Chances are, he's feeling the same way. He probably misses you...the old you. You both are going to have to accept the fact that you both have changed.

I hope things get better...the first year after DD1 was born was really hard. I had such a hard time adjusting to being a sahm and DH worked 12 hour days at that time. UGH. I think I cried every day.

Hang in there! Things should improve.

NastyAnnie · March 2010

*hugs* I am sorry. Bun and I got like this too, when neither of us was working. We just didn't have anything to talk about. Try to use some of your limited downtime to cultivate some interests of your own.. and stick it out. This too shall pass.

Timeg · March 2010

I think part of things is the usual stress of first time parenting mixed with the hormonal let down that occurs after pregnancy. As a mom, it is easy to feel alone, especially since so much of the baby care falls on you, and to feel exhausted enough at the end of the day that you just want to shut down.

The best thing you can do is be honest with your husband about how you feel and try to stay connected. Remember the things you enjoyed as a couple pre-baby and try to find time for each other. DH and I do this when our kids are sleeping and it helps us stay connected. We also take drives or go for walks so that we can focus on each other and have meaningful conversations. And we try to keep the humor in our relationship - laughter really keeps things balanced.

You are not alone in your feelings - a lot us feel the way you do at first...

pammi2003 · March 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this! I can relate with you so much girl. Me and my boyfriend were going through this just recently. I could not stand being in the same room with him, we didn't talk for 3 whole days. It was just bad. But what helped us was setting aside one day a week for just us. Whether it be going to the movies, dinner or just going for a walk in the park. It doesn't have to be the whole day, 2 hours of alone time with your husband will help a great deal. Go to a bar, have a few drinks, unwind and open up with him and surely he will do the same. You are not alone and this horrible phase will pass.

sleepingbeauty825 · March 2010

I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone. We definitely haven't made any effort for alone time. Our anniversary is on Saturday, so maybe that will be a good start. I did talk with him a little just now and he said he had no idea... Ugh. Anyway, I think we will definitely work on family time, eating dinner together and the occasional date night. Hopefully that, and time, will help.

missw22 · March 2010

Sleepingbeauty my hubby and I are right there with you guys right now, I get how you are feeling. I finally brought it up to my hubby and finally got it out of him (which took alot of effort) that he felt the same way that I do towards him, distant because everything including myself had changed. It takes effort ,but definately talk to him and keep talking and those occasional date nights help!

CxMommy · March 2010

I read your post about your anniversary yesterday and felt like I could've written it. DH and I are having a hard time, too. Our anniversary was yesterday and he forgot to get me a card. I told him no gifts because we have been together for ten years and it seemed unnecessary. We always exchange cards though so when I handed him his, and he gave me nothing I felt really let down. We were suppose to go to dinner, but I wasn't in the mood after that so we spent the night at home. He was in the living room and I was in our room with DD. So romantic! Anyway, my mom said she went through the same thing with my dad and that it is normal. No advice here....just wanted to let you know I'm right there with you and apparently it is somewhat normal!

ortenzia · March 2010

Just chiming in to say you're definitely not alone! It's such a big change. My husband and I have had to work hard to communicate and some of our discussions have been tough but ultimately helpful. Definitely tell him how you are feeling, and try to carve out a little time for yourself without the baby (alone, even if it's just taking a bath or reading for half an hour) and a little time for just the two of you - minus the TV and/or computer - a couple of times a week. Good luck! You'll get through this.