False hope...

JennyTom · March 2010

I don't know about anyone else.. but when I read other stories of people saying that you will get your happy ending, you will have a baby, it worked out for me so it will work out for you, it drives me crazy.

All during my pregnancy with Ella I was worried (because of our previous loss). Everyone... EVERYONE told me not to worry, it would be fine, things would be okay. And they weren't. And now here we are, month 4 into fertility treatments and each month they say this will be the month and every month it's not.

Why must people offer false hope? Why not just say, well, we don't know but we'll see and hope for the best?

I'm not trying to stir things up and I appreciate on some level hearing the happy stories but just because it happened to you doesn't mean it will happen to me.

viety82bur · March 2010

I'm with you... People say this to my best friend all the time "Don't worry--it will all work out. You'll get a baby/you'll get your miracle, etc." Um, her DH has no spermies. She will never, ever get her miracle. And then she has to hear a kajillion stories about how someone's cousin's friend's husband had the same problem but they tried this one procedure and they got their miracle. To say "you'll get a baby because I got one" is just naive. Unfortunately, it's just not that fair.

bgarson · March 2010

Thanks for posting this. I don't think that having another baby will ever take the pain of losing this baby away. Of course, I hope to get pregnant again and have a beautiful baby, but hope can be very painful.

Chicwed · March 2010

bgarson:
Thanks for posting this. I don't think that having another baby will ever take the pain of losing this baby away. Of course, I hope to get pregnant again and have a beautiful baby, but hope can be very painful.

agreed

greenclown · March 2010

I agree. I don't like it to be posted here or said to me IRL I have had so many people say, "oh, so and so had a baby after [insert situation here]. I know you will, too!" Or they tell me that they KNOW I'll get pregnant right away. And when I mention I'm sad about my due date (last week), they tell me that at least I can start trying again soon.

And even if I do get pregnant, what difference does it make? Yes, I'll be happy about that but right now, all I can think about when I think of having another baby is that Jillian won't be there. The topic of trying again isn't a happy one for me.

Lissa832 · March 2010

I agree with you. The post that was made here recently really irritated me. As sad as it is, not everyone has a happy ending.

BlakeG · March 2010

I totally agree with all of you. We have no idea what the future will hold for us and its just annoying when people say it will all be fine as if they have some magical insight into the future that we don't have. I do love hearing stories of hope though just to remind myself that it is possible but please don't act like I will have the same outcome because we don't know what will happen.

molisar · March 2010

I completely agree with you. That is a tough lesson I've learned through all of this. I hate hearing people say "your time will come soon." I know they mean well, but it just makes me feel worse because I know they have no idea when "my time" will come.

butterfly843 · March 2010

I agree, I hate when people say things like that. They only way we got pregnant was ivf and people think I can just get pregnant again right away and next time I will be high risk.

mcbeal629 · March 2010

I agree with everything said here. I thought that much of what she wrote was nice, and does give hope. I think we're all happy to hear that someone who was once on here has had a happy ending. But "you will have your happy ending did take me back a bit". Unfortunately, life isn't fair and there are some of us who wont. And no, the happy ending wont take away the loss.

People mean well, it just doesn't always do the good they intend.

heathergirl67 · March 2010

Yep. There's a place where I can see a lot of success stories from women who were in my shoes. It's called Parenting After a Loss. That's where I'll go if I need inspiration, no need to bring it here IMO.

Temp984666312503071 · March 2010

I guess I am different then . And that is what makes the world go 'round.

I deal with the horrid infertility/miscarriage combo. I am not good at getting or staying pregnant. I went through YEARS of pain, infertility treatment, loss, etc. Watched oodles of friends have more than one children while I was still trying to get pregnant with my first sticky baby. I had friends who had met their spouses after I had gotten married who had one or two kids. It was really hard and REALLY unfair.

That being said, I always appreciated people who BELIEVED it would happen for me. Not in the trite "good things come to those who wait" kind of way. But in the "I know you will be a mom someday. I am praying for you" kind of way. My friends believing really helped to lift my mood. YES I had down days. And YES I had very bitter periods where I thought if I saw one more pregnant woman I would lose my ever loving mind. But overall, if my friends and family had started to lose hope (the way I often lost hope) I think it would have made me even more unhappy.

While I agree that not everyone has a "happy" ending, we all do eventually resolve our infertility somehow. It might not be with a biological child or an adopted child - but we will all have closure. That was something I read on the resolve website that gave me a lot of comfort. While in the midst of the hell of miscarriage and infertility I often thought I would NEVER feel like myself again. Reading about the closure that I would one day get did make me feel a lot better.

I'm not saying that it is all puppy dog tails and rainbows. I know it isn't. And some of you are VERY fresh off of horrible tragic losses and I don't expect you to even want to begin to understand where I come from. I have had the mercy of TIME and the birth of a live baby to help distance myself from the pain and I realize that. But I guess I do have hope for every woman on this board. Even the ones with severe infertility. That you will one day feel content and have closure on this time in your life.

JennyTom · March 2010

Hmm... I think it's just a different perspective. You have the benefit of time and a positive outcome. The women here (myself included) do not. While I appreciate and am so happy for you that you were able to have a healthy pregnacy, that doesn't mean it will happen for me. So for anyone to say that "You too will have a little baby" is misleading and cruel in a way because realistically, I may not have another baby. The PP said "I just want you to know through all your pain and grief that eventually you will all have children and your hearts will feel whole again." Um, really? I would love to have that in writing!

Having a child has nothing to do with feeling content and having closure. They are two very different things.

I would much rather someone say, here is my experience and my positive outcome and I hope that encourages you rather than it too will happen to you! See the difference?

sunandsurfmama · March 2010

viety82bur:
I'm with you... People say this to my best friend all the time "Don't worry--it will all work out. You'll get a baby/you'll get your miracle, etc." Um, her DH has no spermies. She will never, ever get her miracle. And then she has to hear a kajillion stories about how someone's cousin's friend's husband had the same problem but they tried this one procedure and they got their miracle. To say "you'll get a baby because I got one" is just naive. Unfortunately, it's just not that fair.

I make a point not to say this. I work with children who are grieving the loss of a parent or sibling and they tell you this is the last thing they want to hear when managing their loss. I know people mean well, but best just to leave that part of the sentence out...

Temp984666312503071 · March 2010

JennyTom:

Hmm... I think it's just a different perspective. You have the benefit of time and a positive outcome. The women here (myself included) do not. While I appreciate and am so happy for you that you were able to have a healthy pregnacy, that doesn't mean it will happen for me. So for anyone to say that "You too will have a little baby" is misleading and cruel in a way because realistically, I may not have another baby. The PP said "I just want you to know through all your pain and grief that eventually you will all have children and your hearts will feel whole again." Um, really? I would love to have that in writing!

Having a child has nothing to do with feeling content and having closure. They are two very different things.

I would much rather someone say, here is my experience and my positive outcome and I hope that encourages you rather than it too will happen to you! See the difference?

Yes, I know I have the benefit of time. That is something I am thankful for. That being said, I did appreciate kind words and GENUINE words of hope/prayer in the wake of my losses. Did some people say the wrong thing? Sure. But the majority who gave me words of hope and prayer were not hurting me personally. The ones that said "it wasn't meant to be" made me sad (the same way when I was TTC the ones who said "just relax, stop stressing" annoyed the living daylights out of me) but the ones that said "I truly believe you will be a mom one day" did not offend or hurt me. I appreciated their optimism because at the time I had none.

To be clear, I PERSONALLY don't say things like "I know this will happen for you" and I wouldn't say something like that. My rule of thumb is to say how sorry I am for their loss and offer to make dinner, be a ear to listen, etc. Nobody knows where this journey will lead. And I don't think our hearts are ever "whole" after losing children. And ask anyone on the infertility board, even in light of my SAIF I still battle jealousy, anger, and resentment towards the "fertiles" out there.

I think you misunderstand me when I say having a child is the same thing as closure. FOR ME (and this is the important thing - I'm not arguing against you, just trying to show you that not everyone feels exactly like the OP) knowing that I wouldn't be in pain for the rest of my life helped. And knowing that I wouldn't be in the kind of horrid pain with or without a child helped. I think that infertility is different because we are sort of eased into our pain where with miscarriage the rug is pulled out from under us in a blink of an eye. Maybe my infertility has helped me deal with my losses in a strange unfortunate way? Those of us who struggle to get pregnant for years are no stranger to disappointment. I know that I often waited for the other shoe to drop during my pregnancy (and it did when I lost my daughter's twin).

I don't know if I am expressing myself well. I'm not trying to be argumentative, just thought it was important to voice my own feelings since they are obviously different from others.

JennyTom · March 2010

I actually think we are in agreement pretty much overall. I too appreciated kind words and thoughts and actions. It means the world when you are going through loss after loss after loss.

I guess I'm just a realist. And I don't want to be promised something that no one can promise me - a healthy baby to hold in my arms. You can promise I'll be fine (I know I will), you can promise it won't always hurt like this (of course it won't).. you can promise I'll be happy again (of course I will and I am, in spite of fertility hell right now). But you can't tell me that at the end of this journey I will have a baby. And *that* is what gets me. Not words of hope.

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