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Success after IF
guys...im having serious marriage issues :(
i usually don't DH vent here anymore, because i didn't want you guys to think my husband was a bad guy, but i need to talk it out, and i know you guys care..
things haven't been great ever since audrey got here...actually even since i was pregnant with her. DH was terrified as soon as we found out i was pregnant..he wasn't ready. neither was i, but of course i was thrilled, and knew we could do it.
in his defense, he is MAJORLY stressed out with work (owns his own business, started a new location, had hellish problems with it).
he has always had anger issues...no he has never EVER been physical, and i have no worries about that, and he never lashes out at the boys. he just if he ever gets frustrated with me, rather than telling me something or talking..he gets angry. so the tiring, frustrating newborn phase with audrey was TERRIBLE this time around..of course this time still he never got up, just like with the boys..but i co-slept, so she would wake him up..and we would fight in the middle of the night...one particularly bad night, when all of the kids woke up...he said he wished he had never met me....of course he said later he did not mean it...but you can't take that back. after that, i moved into her room.
i know he feels a bit neglected, but in my eyes, that is just how it is for a few months..im sorry, but i had 3 kids in less than 18 months..thats kind of my focus for right now. i truly think he resents audrey, and me for having her 
and that makes me SO sad. i know he will feel differently about her when she is the boys' age...but i hate when he hears her wake up on the monitor, he sighs and say "oh great" even when shes been napping for 2 hours
last night, we were having a fine night...he had gotten home early, helped me put the boys to bed, she actually went down really well, he had made dinner..and then he put cheese on my spaghetti..i tried to stop him (can't have dairy for audrey)..and he was like "whoops" and took the top layer of sauce off, and started mixing it around....i got to it, and picked out a few more pieces where i saw cheese, and he got mad..he said "a little cheese won't kill her!"...im sorry dude, ive been going totally dairy free for almost 6 months...im not gonna screw it up now, and make her suffer.
then he went off..saying i had been whining all night ( i asked him what i was whining about, but he couldn't answer me...i didn't feel good, but i hadn't really mentioned it), and as i was saying that it bothered me that he didn't seem to care much about audrey, he said eff you, effing b*tch. this all came from nowhere..so i was gonna take my food upstairs, i started going upstairs and he said "fine, im through with you, effing b*tch"
at this point i got upset, and dropped my food, and took the monitor and went out to my car and called his mother...yes, i confided in MIL..i have no mom, she knows what hes like, and i kind of hoped if she heard this stuff she might set his ass straight..but she was just like "darnnit, i wish i could slap him" ah well, i needed to talk to somebody anyways.
at this point, im seriously thinking of counseling..we have definite different view points (mostly about audrey and his job...he adores the boys beyond words)..and we need help seeing the others point of view.
i just hate this, i love him, and i know he is a better person than this
thank you so much for listening..love you guys
Ron and Nora married 6.3.06
21 cycles, 1 m/c, 4 rounds clomid, 1 round gonal f and 3 IUI
anovulatory cycles, LPD
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
My Blog!
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
My Blog!This discussion has been closed.
Re: guys...im having serious marriage issues :(
((hugs))
I'm lining up with MIL to slap him. Please know you can call me, even if it's late. I definitely think you guys need to get to counseling, you do not deserve to be talked to like that at all!
Two Mc Peas In a Pod
Kayla's Grace
There is no excuse for a man to say such a thing to his wife never ever ever.....What would you do if he said that you in front of the children?!
I definately think marriage counseling is in order and I think that him going to an anger management class and individual counseling is a must for your husband. If you don't think he will listen to you have the marriage counselor suggest it to him. As far as costs go if you don't have insurance coverage many counselors will work with clients on a sliding scale based on income.
I am so sorry ((HUGS))
I wish I had some answers, but I don't. What I do know is that so many of us are going through or have gone through similar things. I know people say things when they are angry that they don't mean, but your DH was out of line last night. I think counseling would definitely help. Would your DH be willing to go?
I pray that it gets better soon. Please take care! You are an amazing Mom!!
Oh, Nora, that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. He should not be taking his stress out on you that way. Counseling sounds like a good idea.
(((hugs)))
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
His being willing to get help is a good thing. DH and I went through similar issues when we first got married, one bad fight with him saying to many aweful things and my my threatening to divorce him was enough for him to realize he needed help.
Marriage and individual counseling for DH and his anxiety issues put us on the right track. We have not encountered any of the problems we had when we were first married in over 5 years!
This. Mrs.McJeep is absolutely right. I'm so sorry. I think you're right to think about counseling and it's a good sign that he was willing to go in the past. Sometimes a neutral voice can really help.
oh my- i'm sorry
my husband also has MAJOR anger issues- like scary angry. he never got physical with me but he would punch things, throw things, break things, hit himself, cuss, freak out, say horrible things- like a 2 year old in a 30 year old's body.
i MADE him go to counseling- i told him if he didn't change then i was done (this was before we got married)
i think that scared him- he's much better- he's still got anger issues, but he can usually control himself. honestly i think alex helps- but when he's really stressed or what not even she can "annoy" him (which pisses me of because, hello, she's a baby!)
oy- basically, it sounds like he needs help. he should NEVER call you an "effin_bitch"- you're his wife & the mother of his children. unacceptable.
i would tell him that BOTH of you need to sit down & talk with someone. and if he refuses then you need to tell him that you refuse to live like this!
he may be stressed, tired & etc- but honestly that's how life is right now. you shouldn't have to deal with him for the next few years until he feels better- it's not fair to you.
good luck!!!
(i just saw that he's willing to get help- good for him!)
look at the birds | bless this food
wow. that's some pretty rotten fighting, sweetie.
i don't think it's wrong at all (in fact i think it's RIGHT) to start some marriage counseling. is he receptive to the idea?
gosh, i hope you guys can work this all out. i don't know what else to say but please let us know if you need anything.
((((((hugs))))))
DH and I have had our share of stupid fights since we've had 2 under 2. Can't imagine 3 under 2. It is super stressful, but he shouldn't be saying things like that. I think taking the time for counseling, even though I am sure he feels like he doesn't have any time, is a great idea.
I am sorry you don't have your Mom to call for support either.
From the outside everyone always thinks it is so easy to just "fix" a problem like this, but it isn't easy and the longer this goes on, the more fights you guys have, the more words get thrown back and forth, the more you start to take each other for granted and then it may be too late. Try and get him some help before the honeymoon "i'm so sorry" phase starts again.
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think counseling is what you guys need at this point. I know that DH has really struggled since DD was born - it completely changed his way of life and he, at first, was not sure how to handle that. of course, everything was taken out on me. We had quite a few fights and lets be frank, most men don't handle stress well at all. I'm not trying to make excuses for your DH, but I think we all know that.
I would be entering counseling ASAP to save your family. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and either does Audrey. Hang in there. I wish you guys the best of luck.
oh boy... Nora- HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He needs help ASAP before he says something worse or turns violent. Who cares how stressed out he is. He has a job, a house, 3 children and a wife. That is so much more than many people. He also needs to get over himself... he seems cocky and thinks he's the king of the castle.
Do not let him speak to you that way... you don't deserve that. You are an amazing wife and mother- remember that. I hope today is a better day.
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
Ah hon, I hate this for you.
I can also relate - Davez is a good man, but mix frustration with my own annoying issues, and he's got a mouth on him sometimes. He spins everything to make it my fault, and as much as he says he'll never call Ava names... I think it's only a matter of time where I'm dealing with this. And that worries me.
I don't have the answers, because I still struggle with this on a cyclical basis. Good weeks, bad weeks. I threaten counseling, he shuts his mouth. I play the "shame game" (I too, threaten to call his mother) and I bribe him. I once said I'm spending $10 for every time he calls me a bad name. I made a lot of money and felt SOOO guilty buying a new camera lens. Almost ;-)
But you do NOT deserve to be in a relationship where you're not happy. Try to fix it. You're past that wicked newborn stage, and these are skills you guys will need for life. And your marriage.
If you see effort, reward him big time. Expect ebb and flow, but hold him accountable.
And when you discover the secret, share it with me.
Cuz I hear ya lady ! ;-)
This exactly. There is absolutely no excuse for that sort of behavior. Stress is not an excuse.
Nora, I just want reach out and give you a hug. As others have said, no matter how frustrated he is, your H should never speak to you in such a way. I'm glad that he is willing to get help--that is very hopeful.
You are at a hard spot in your marriage. My DH and I have had some pretty nasty fights as well at this stage in the game. He may be stressed, and life is hard now, but what he says to you/calls you is TOTALLY unacceptable. You are being very understanding ( not a doormat, but understanding)
Counseling will be a benefit for you both. We each go alone, and together, and it is one of the best things we have ever done for eachother.
No marriage is perfect, and there are a lot of things that go on behind closed doors that many people would never talk about.
I am glad you are coming out with this. Get some help lady, and don't put up with that anymore! He is fixable at this point!
I'm sorry to hear this. as someone who is having "marriage issues" as well, I highly suggest counseling. the way your dh is speaking to you is borderline abusive. that is very uncool and really unhealthy for your entire family.
I'm glad he is open to counseling -- that's a BIG step!
hang in there! (((hugs)))
2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)
"our IF story"
This makes me so sad. It just hurts me to know that anyone can treat another like that. He clearly has an anger issue, so I think the main focus should be anger management for him. Couples counseling sounds like it's in order as well, but I think this is mostly his issue and if he can get it under control, things should improve. I know anger issues are a very real thing, much like addictions. I'm sure he feels awful for losing control and acting like that. Therefore, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to change it. I know men like to give the "I don't have time" excuse - but if it's a priority, he'll find time.
Ugh. So sorry. I used to be kind of hot-headed and the instigator of fights in past relationships...never really was one to get too derogatory but I definitely dropped my share of "F yous" and "You're an a-hole." When I met DH, the first time I said anything of that sort, he made it clear that he absolutely would not tolerate it. He's a very respectful, sensitive guy, and he expects to be treated the same. I liked him enough to change my ways...and believe me, it's tough at times! I have it in me to just get worked up and spew at the mouth, but I stop myself now! And we are both better for it.
I hope things start looking up for you soon!
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
Oh N...my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you're having troubles. I really do hope you try to find some counseling. Ask around to friends (who you trust) about recommendations. Look at reviews online and make sure you find someone that has a good reputation. Counseling works wonders. If you can, try to find someone that does IMAGO therapy. There's some couple's weekend sessions in Leesburg and Woodbridge (not sure if that's close to you). https://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/
I'm praying for you and your family. I hope things get better soon, it's not fun dealing with all those stresses on top of being a mother of 3. Which you are doing an amazing job at. ((BIG HUGS)) lady!!
I read this first thing this morning but I'm just not getting time to post. I am heartbroken for you, Nora! You don't deserve to be talked to that way. You dedicate your life to taking care of this precious little ones and while Audrey was a surprise, she is so loved.
Its hard when you have to balance your life with the one that exists when you have children. It sounds like Ron hasn't really adjusted that well to having balance between his work, his social life and his family.
I think that counseling would be a good idea for both of you. It would allow you to get your thoughts and feelings out in a constructive manner and not turn into a name-calling fight.
I am praying for you!
This, and I definitely agree that you should give counseling a try.
I'm so sorry Nora. I have no advice. He seems to treat you like crap and you take care of his kids ALL DAY. He needs to respect you. It took two of you to have sex and have a baby. You need to get a third party in there whether it be a counselor or someone you know. You don't deserve the mental abuse you are getting from him after a long day of hard work.
You are never alone, you always have us, remember that.
My husband and I have not always had the smoothest relationship. There are a number of reasons and we are both at fault. And yes, one time I even went to his parents for advice since, as you put it, they know how he is. Also, on more than one occasion my husband has said things along the lines of "fvck you" or called me a "b1tch". For him, it is something he says in anger and when it's gone, it's gone. For me it is something that I always remember and feel the pain from. I am not sure he will ever really understand how much these phrases hurt me but he at least as basically stopped saying them.
I have to say that the biggest thing that stuck out to me in your post was that you aren't sharing a bed with your husband any more. I don't know how much your husband is like mine, but to my husband, physical closeness, both in terms of sleeping together and having sex, is love. If I "forget" to have sexual relations with him, I am always "reminded" when I start noticing him being grouchy. Many men equate sexual closeness with love, much moreso than women do. I could be wrong but I suspect this is a bigger issue for him than you realize.
As I said before I too sought "help" with my MIL. Although she was sympathetic, and at least seemed to support me, in retrospect I don't think this was a good idea and as such haven't done it since. If your DH feels like you're trying to get allegiance from his mother that will only alienate him from you further. You want him to feel like you and he are on the same team, working toward the same goal, versus being brow beaten into submission by all the women in his life.
I guess the last piece of a$$vice I have for you is to seek counseling. I was not super enamored with our counselor but she did help us to be able to "hear" one another when we otherwise weren't listening. She was also a voice of reason/mediator when we were deeply entrenched on different sides of an issue.
Good luck to you.
I am sorry, honey. Is he receptive to counseling?
I think it makes a lot of sense for their to be resentment and anger for both of you, you went through a LOT of changes in 18 months and it has been so stressful...
Hugs! I am always here for you!
Hell no...that is just ridiculous. What is he, 14 years old? I mean really, aren't we talking about a grown married man, with a wife, a job and 3 children? Come ON! What a brat...
This just makes me so angry. Nobody has the right to treat you that way, Nora...nobody. Abuse is abuse...verbal or physical...and let's just be honest, that's what it is....abuse.
This man needs a swift kick in the rear. He needs to grow up and learn that life is indeed hard, but you don't treat your wife and child this way without consequences.
Don't let him do this to you...insist he get counseling...I hate ultimatums, but I'd certainly issue one on this.
((((big, big hugs)))
I just wanted to send you a big (((HUG))
I am SO sorry you have to deal with this.
I agree with what everyone else has said.
He needs to learn to deal with his stress....not take it out on you.
Please go to counseling ASAP.....do not let it get worse.
Also......as we all shall remind him: It takes TWO to have a baby.
If he didn't want to deal with working and having a family, he should have never been married and/or never had kids.
I know that sounds harsh, but men need to be reminded that just because WE are the ones who carry the PG, they are just as responsible.
Please take care of yourself and the kids.......
I'm so sorry, Nora. That sounds just AWFUL.
I'm going to echo Dana here. Your husband needs to grow up. I'm sure he's stressed out...hell, just thinking about 3 under 3 stresses me out...but that is NO excuse. Life can be hard, but, well, we're adults, so we deal with it.
I agree with some others that what he said to you and the way he acted out is verbal abuse. By your own admission he has anger management issues, and I think it would be a very bad idea to let this go once things have calmed down. I have no doubt your husband is a good man at heart, because you married him--but this sort of behavior is a slippery slope.
For your sake and the childrens' sake you have to make him go to counseling. Not negotiable. This will not get better simply with time.
Huge hugs to you. I wish there was something more we could do to help.