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1st Trimester
Caymandreams
member
My father is ignoring me =(
Caymandreams
member
DH and I got married back in November. My dad HATES my mother and refused to come to the wedding if she was there. He basically made me have to choose between him and her. In the end, I decided not to even invite him because I knew he wouldn't come and I didn't want that weighing on my shoulders on my wedding day. But if I knew he wasn't there because I chose not to invite him (rather than being rejected) I could handle it better. Not to mention the fact that things would have been EXTREMELY awkward and tense with him there. So that's what I did. Of course shortly after, he found out that she was there (along with the rest of her family which I am very close to) and he was not invited.
He would rather I sacrifice my one day, and elope instead of having EITHER of them there. Of course that wasn't going to happen, and how would it be fair to my mom's side of the family if I did not invite them because my dad was being ridiculous?? It was HIS choice not to be there if they were there, not the other way around.
Cut to today, he has not spoken to me since the week after the wedding. I have tried calling him twice to tell him about his new grandbaby, and he won't answer or return my calls. He's answered a couple of my texts, but that's it. I'm at a loss for what to do. I really want him and my stepmom to be a part of the baby's life. But I'm afraid he's going to make that impossible. I've come close to just texting him that I'm pregnant. But I really don't want to have to do that.
End vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My father is ignoring me =(
Blech. Thats how I feel about this whole situation. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. These are such precious moments in your life, I wish that you had all the support you deserve.
I'm not sure what you should do. Does he live close enough for you to stop by? Do you even want to deal with the drama? I think if all else failed I would end up texting him the news...if I had to. So sorry.
BUT Congrats on the new marriage and the new baby! We got married and are expecting as well. Life sure is moving fast...
grr. are you related to my hubby, by any chance? Because his mom and step dad are like this. I won't get into the deets but let's just say only his dad and step mom were invited to our wedding because of his stepdad and mom's behavior. the last we heard from them was a hurtful letter waiting for us when we got back from our honeymoon (over 2 yrs ago now).
honestly? i can't tell you what to do. hubby and i have talked a bit about telling his family--we are going to tell his dad & step mom (who we aren't close to but do have a decent relationship with) after the 1st trimester. But his mom & step dad? we're not even sure we're going to. hubby sent flowers to his mom the last two mothers' days and she has not responded or even ever acknowledged she received the flowers. honestly? it will be no loss to our baby to not have these people in his or her life. the baby needs GOOD family--like mine, like his dad & step mom.
but we'll want to tell his brother on his mom's side--he was at our wedding and is not responsible for his parents' actions--and word will get back to them I'm sure. what they do with it is up to them, but at this point, i don't think hubby has the energy to deal with trying to work it out with them anymore.
i'm sure your situation is totally different but all i can say is i feel for you and am sending good wishes that whatever you choose to do--or not do--you will have peace with it. you don't need to be stressing about other people's drama at this point.
Yes, he does. My dad has SERIOUS pride issues. It drives me CRAZY. And he is defnitely very childish about the whole situation.
Your Dad definitely needs to get over it and grow up.
I would just text him the news, it sucks, but at least he'll know. This way he has the information and can decide what his next step will be. Put the ball in his court.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
No, he lives 3 hours away. And I really have no clue as to how he'll react to the news. Congrats to you as well
I would send a text that says something to the effect of, "I've tried calling you, because I think it's pathetic to share something this monumental, joyous and important to someone who should play such a huge role in this via text, but since you won't respond to my calls, or answer them, I see no other way: I'm pregnant." I would then go on to say that you want him and your step-mom to be a part of the babies life and if that's something they would enjoy, he can call you. If he does not call, I wouldn't continue to feed into his childish behavior via text. You're shared the news and left the ball in his court to make the next adult move.
I just want to say that I'm sorry this is happening to you, because I can't imagine what it would be like and that if he chooses not to take an active roll, it is truly his loss.
Too bad he can't put the feelings of his daughter ahead of his own childishness and pettiness.
I get that you want him to be a part of your child's life. Of course, natural. But if he's this difficult now, how much will that impact your happiness when you have a child and he continues to carry on with this foolishness?
I'd just text him and be the bigger person. That's a crappy situation. Sorry to hear that.
How would you recommend I tell him if I end up texting him? I don't really want it to just say "I'm pregnant." Just seems so impersonal and kind of cold to me.
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I'm sorry to hear you all are going through a similar situation =( It's definitely tough. What makes it even harder is, I've always been a daddy's girl. I love him dearly and really want him in my child's life. I am just completely at a loss as to what to do. He just really needs to grow up and set his pride aside for once. But I really don't see this ever happening. He's in his 60s and really set in his ways. He is a narcisist (sp?) and thinks he knows everything and if things don't go his way he gets pissy.
Thanks dani. That would be a great way to put it to him, but unfortunately my phone won't allow that long of a text lol. I would have to email that to him. And of course he ignored the last email I sent him. I'm not sure he even read it.
He never responded to my last email. I'm not sure he even read it. I hadn't thought about a letter though. That's an idea. Thanks
This! So sorry to hear about this situation, I don't know the feeling but my heart goes out to you for dealing with it!
I totally understand were you are coming form. I haven't spoken to my father in about 9 years. I don't think he knows I'm married and no one but my mom and a best friend knows I'm pregnant. I tried for too many years to have a real relationship with him and finally gave up and moved on (not suggesting you do that!) It is such a difficult position he is putting you in, because yes, HE put you in this position!
On a good note, like me, it sounds like you do have support from you mom and her side of the family.
I'm sorry your going through this and I hope you can work out your differences in the relationship. Maybe your baby will bring the two of you together again!
I hate to hear you're dealing with something similar =( I wish it could be that easy for me to just move on (not that it was for you) but I was really close to my daddy growing up. I was a daddy's girl and just absolutely adored him. I am really hoping that this baby will open his eyes and help bring us back together, but I'm not even sure how he'll respond to the pregnancy. He may be thrilled and excited, or he may be negative and disappointed. (I am his only little girl and the baby of the family)
I'm a snarky person and I have absolutely no patience for things like this especially from family! He's supposed to be on your side. He's lucky you don't send him a text telling him how sad it is that his unborn grandchild is probably more adult than he is!
Oh, Cayman, we have such similar stories, except that I am three years ahead of where you are.
I decided to tell my father that he was going to be a grandfather, and let him decide what to do . . . turns out his anger for me was more than his love for his grandchild and he has never seen her. I'm not saying this is what's going to happen, but moreso what happened to me.
Give him the news and let him make the decisions. He's a big boy and should (underline should) act like an adult.
GL!
First, I feel your pain. My dad wouldn't come to his only grandchild's 1st birthday b/c my mom was there. We had my son's 2nd b-day party last weekend, and I just didn't invite him. I did tell him there is only going to be one birth of this baby, one baptism, and my little brother will only have one wedding, so he had better find a way to deal.
2nd, if I were you, I would send a text that says "I'm pregnant. Thought you might like to know." I'm sure it's not your ideal way of telling him, but his behavior has been less than ideal. He's the one who refused to come to your wedding, he's the one that is not returning your phone calls. At this point, I don't see that he deserves anything more than a text from you. I hope when he gets the news, it will spark something in him and he will knock it off.
Again, I'm very sorry you are going through this. It really sucks when you grow up to find out you are more mature than the adults in your life. It's a shitty reality check. GL!
I hate to be the one to say it, but if my future child didn't invite me to their wedding, it would not be easily forgiven.
I think Dani's wording for a text is perfect, even if it takes 2 or 3 texts to get the whole thing. GL and I hope you can resolve your issues with your father.
Sorry...your dad needs to get over himself. I'd be pissed at him. You should text him.
Hey since you're acting like a child and refusing to take my calls, I have been forced to tell you I'm pregnant via text message. Thanks a lot "Grandpa"
While I disagree with the fact that he basically told you "choose between your mother or I" in such a special event in your life (which I thing is just plain wrong), I also don't agree with the fact that you said that it was HIS choice not not come to the wedding. You never gave him that choice because you did not invite him and he is probably hurt over that (you chose your mother and her family instead of inviting both of your parents and letting it be their problem if they did not come to your wedding). He is probably hurt because you did not invite him to the wedding so he is probably thinking that you do not care as much for him.
Since he is not returning your calls, maybe you can leave a message or mail him a nice card letting him know he is going to be a grandfather (or text him). Does he live near you? maybe you can drive to his house or talk to his wife. I know that you are probably hurt that your parents put you in such a horrible situation but you have to understand that your dad has to be hurt as well. Maybe this new baby will heal things and you all can move forward. Good Luck!
If he had told me "I will be there for you," then yes, I would have invited him. But he told me MULTIPLE times before hand that he would NOT be there if she was. That's when I had to make the choice as to what would hurt more. Not inviting him, or inviting him and being crushed by the rejection. If I had invited him and he had not come (which he told me he wouldn't) then it would have been very difficult for me to enjoy my wedding knowing why he wasn't there. Either way (inviting him or not) I knew he would be hurt simply because she was there (he feels she didn't deserve to be there). It was a very tough decision for me to make, but he made his so I had to make mine.
I hope all this makes sense. I could explain it better and in much greater detail but we'd be here forever lol.
maybe you can text him that you have big news that you'd like to tell him in person - see if he responds to that -
people have a funny way of getting over petty behavior when there are grandkids involved.
i think it is big of you to want to include him - Good luck - I hope he suprises you:)
Well, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine my parents putting me in such a difficult situation. That said, Your dad has left you no choice but to be impersonal so you are going to have to leave a message, text him, mail him a card or something with the news. Just tell him and leave the ball on his court, that way, if he does not reply you know that you tried your best and you will be able to tell your child that you tried your best for him/her to know his/her grandpa. I really hope he decides to be back in your life and that things get better. Good luck!
i totally understand where you're coming from, OP.
for those who are saying, "Well, Dad would be hurt if he wasn't invited to the wedding," Dad was BEGGING to not be invited when he said it's him or Mom. He disinvited himself. All OP did was not waste postage.
OP--good luck on this, and big hugs your way, however it goes. If you send an email that says "Important News from Daughter" in the tagline, and he doesn't open it, he's really an a$$hat.
Thanks hun. I really hope that this will help him come to his senses. I really don't know what to expect his reaction to be, but hopefully it will be good.
Aww we should introduce our dads, they sound perfect for each other. Jerks. I actually like my stepmom, I just don't like my dad. I keep in contact with her on facebook. My dad told me when I was 14 or so that I was the second-worst thing to ever happen to him (my mom being first). I didn't ask the man for a dime after I got a job at 15. I moved out asap and he tried to disown me for coming back to get some of my stuff. Or was it because I wasn't satisfied with a min-wage job and community college? How DARE I have aspirations. whatever. He's made it clear that he only wants to be included if say, I get married and ask my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. In the end, they both walked me down, my dad played nice for pictures and there was a LOT of booze at the reception. Could you contact your stepmom? My dad hasn't even acknowledged this pregnancy and he said "that's nice" about the last one. My stepmom was the one to send me messages after the m/c. She's the one who asks how I'm feeling, what colors are we thinking etc. You've already made an effort to contact him. If he doesn't want to be there for you, you might be better off. I personally don't want my children to be around him longer than it takes to celebrate thanksgiving and christmas. We're 6 hours away so it's easy. My mom and stepdad will be the main grandparents on that side.
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