- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
DH doesn't want to be near my family
This isn't exactly BF related, but I trust you ladies will shoot me straight. DH and I live next door to my parents, which has caused SO many issues with my parents meddling. It has been stressful on us, and we are working on buying a house in another town right now. Anyway, a month or two ago things blew up between my step-dad and DH. My step-dad was HORRIBLE to DH, cussing him and namecalling, and surprisingly, DH kept his composure and took it.
Of course my step-dad hasn't thought twice about it since then and my mom has backed away from the situation because she doesn't want to be in the middle of it. DH (understandably) has expressed to me that he does not want to be around my step-dad. He isn't too keen on being around my mom either just because she has tucked her head in the sand about the whole thing even though her husband was WAY out of line.
Here's the question: Every year my mom plans a family camping trip that all of my siblings and our families go on. This is the first year that DH has actually had time off to be able to go. Now that this has happened, DH doesn't want to go. I don't blame him at all. It really sucks because it will hurt my mom and she will try to hold it over my head and say that I'm the one who still has the issue. DH is afraid that my parents will blame him for taking me away from our family.
DH told me last night that he would still go but would not continue to do family vacations with my family after this. I don't feel right about having him go on this one though. If it were you, would you still plan to go on the family trip or skip it?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH doesn't want to be near my family
Can you go without DH? I can understand why your DH wouldn't want to go, and I probably wouldn't force him to, but there is no reason you can't go on the trip.
I might suggest having a sit down with your parents and DH. If Step dad apologized, then would your DH let go of being upset?
I think that unless an apology is made both of you shouldn't go. I feel bad that it will hurt your Mom but you need to stand by your husband on this one. Your Mom could have stepped in, regardless of who was right or wrong when the arguement was taking place.
Maybe you can plan a special day for just you and your Mom when they get back.
This situation sucks, I'm sorry.
This.
While the peacemaker in me considered that, I feel like I have to stand by my husband on this one. I would think that if I went without him, it would be singling him out and making it appear that he is the one with the problem. In fact, the problem is with my stepdad because of his bad behavior. He was COMPLETELY in the wrong.
I asked DH if there was an apology would he consider forgiving him and he said probably not. My stepdad was awful to him. I don't know that I could easily forgive someone who said some of those things to me.
I think that my stepdad crossed a line by going directly to my DH. If he had a problem with DH, then he should have come to me. Unfortunately, I do not think there will be a reconciliation.
I asked DH if there was an apology would he consider forgiving him and he said probably not. My stepdad was awful to him. I don't know that I could easily forgive someone who said some of those things to me.
Forgiving isn't usually easy. But this is your family, so if your step dad apologized (and meant it!) then your DH should be prepared to start letting it go and forgiving. Doesn't mean he has to forget anything or be best friends with your step dad, but this whole thing has put you in an awkward position and now you feel as if you can't go to this family event, that isn't right. Perhaps you need to have a sit down with your step dad and your mom and tell them that this issue is going to ruin your relationship with them if they don't take some steps to try to repair what happened.
Geeze this is difficult, if you go you are not backing your DH up. If you don't you are not getting to spend time with your siblings. And all because your SF was a azzhole.
Really I think your mother is right to stay out of it so I wouldn't judge her for that. She should not apologize for her DH he is a grown man.
Prior to the incident did your DH want to go? Does he get along with your siblings? If so I am not sure I would let SF push you guys out of the family loop. If he genuinely does not want to go then I would not expect him to, but really I think he should make the effort as he knows it is important to you and you get to see your whole family. Going on the trip does not mean hanging out with your SF and I would make it clear to him that you are both upset with him and expect an apology.
Prior to this incident, we had planned on going and were excited to go. The whole family is spending that Saturday together to ride a scenic railroad, so we couldn't altogether avoid the family. DH gets along great with my siblings. Actually we all spent Christmas together and it was the best Christmas we've ever had. DH even said it really felt like family. Then a month later, my stepdad pulls this crap. A sincere apology probably won't happen because I honestly believe that he thinks he is right. He actually apologized to me for the way he handled the situation and asked me to pass the word along to DH, which I thought was total BS.
I know as soon as I bring the situation up, my mom is going to accuse me of not letting sleeping dogs lie. She is going to try to make me feel guilty and end up judging DH because we are deciding together not to go. DH feels guilty because he doesn't want to keep me from going on my family trip. I feel like all of this rests on my shoulders, which SUCKS.
Unfortunately, this has happened with us too... We don't live next door to my IL's (in laws) but they used to come over our house ALL.THE.TIME and just sit for hours (If I cleaned, I had to clean around them... if I had friends over, they expected me to entertain around them).
Several times my FIL has cussed me out, screamed at me for various things, etc. My DH has NOT tolerated it, nor have I. They are no longer welcome to come to our home (unless it is Christmas and even then, we do not host them for dinner any longer. They come for an hour.) I think that you should support your DH and if your family is doing this to him - you need to support him. Do not allow this type of behavior. Personally, if my family was treating MY DH this way - I wouldnt want to be around them either.
Until your family sees that they will also lose YOU if they continue their behaviors, it will never ever stop... My ILs just recently started treating me nicer when my DH said that he would also stop visiting, calling, etc. because I was his wife and if they disrespect me, they disrespect him. I hope that I have given you some help.
This is what I try to keep in mind. My stepdad is the one who made things difficult and he has to be the one to change.
I feel that this is a little different in that it is just her SF.
Honestly I would go, to me it feels as though your SF is a bully. Don't let him isolate you guys from your family. However, I would make it clear to him that I wanted noting to do with him until he sincerely apologized to your DH. I'm sure DH will have fun with your siblings on the trip.
One of my FIs sisters was rude to me in the past and this is how we handled it. Fi told her in no uncertain terms never to speak to me like she did again. However, I did not let it keep me away from the rest of his family who I truly like and get along with.
I agree and disagree. While I don't want to be isolated from the family, DH will be uncomfortable even being around him. I feel like it is wrong of me to ask him to put on a happy face just for my benefit. In the end, our "vacation" will be full of tension and not a happy memory. DH would be doing me no favor by giving the whole "grin-and-bear-it" effort. BUT DH will feel guilty if we don't go because of his feelings. GAH!