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3rd Trimester
i dont want to breast feed- editted
Before you judge me, please consider that I am from a different culture and things are very different for me than most American women. I have noone to ask for suggestions, otherwise I would have never put this accross on a public board.
I have been abused as a child and dont feel normally about my breasts...sexually or otherwise. I feel bad about sex as well, and it took me 5 years of married life to even have sex. For about 4.5 years I would not let me husband touch me.
I belong to a third world country where everyone thinks its their business to tell me if I need to breast feed or not.
I really do not want to breast feed, the thought creeps me out and I have nightmares about the same.
My extended family will be here in my house after I give birth for some months. How do I tell them I don't want to breast feed without going into details about the reasons. Is it possible to just tell them I am having latching issues or something like that? I am worried someone or the other will be in my room constantly trying to get me to open up my breasts and getting the baby to feed.
DH says we can always just tell them we have our own reasons for not breast feeding but I really dont want to get into the hassles with them and them judging me when I am already going through so much.
I know how much BM is beneficial for the baby, but I cant touch my own breasts leave alone anyone else touching them.
So my questions are:
1) Is it possible to give a legitimate excuse to people about not breast feeding? I have absolutely no knowledge about this and how the process works.
2) Will I have any health issues because I am not going to breast feed? Will it be more painful or will it increase chances of infection?
3) How long will it be before I do not have any milk and be comfortable?
4)
Will I have to do something like pumping while I am waiting for milk to
dry up (I have nightmares about pumping as well). What will be my
routine for the first few days after the baby?
thanks
I will DD this later in the day.
EDIT:
thank you for your replies.
I do not want to go to a LC or OB about this problem, its difficult to talk to someone who is so much in favor of BF.
I
dont know why I have this need to explain to people, but I do. I just
wish I had a solid excuse so that I can just worry less about going
into further details.
If
you knew DH's family (they are the
one's going to be here), they can be very persistent and I don't want
to have sour relations when they are going to be here for months. It
will be really stressful. Things would just be easier if I had a valid
excuse. There is no thing as boundaries in my or DH families. If I
tell them I choose not to talk about this, DH's mom will probably call
my mom, and grandparents and they will have a long talk to me for days
until I give them an answer that satisfies them or until I do what they
think is right. My MIL would make life hell for me talking about this
non stop.
They
know I dont take any medicines, and FIL is in science so he would know
about this stuff. I think its a good idea to say milk never came in.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: i dont want to breast feed- editted
Agreed.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. As long as DH is on the same page with you, tell everyone else it's none of their business and this is the best decision for your family.
I'm sorry about the difficulties you've experienced, and I agree with op that you should seek counseling if you haven't already.
As far as BFing, have you spoken to your OB about this and about why you won't? I DEFINITELY WOULD. I think your dr should be aware of the situation, especially if birth and leaking breasts will become a painful and possible depressing topic for you. I would talk to OB as soon as possible, and I would ask OB what you can tell your family.
It's all well and good that everyone says you don't need to explain your reasons, but I know sometimes with family they will just pester and pester and pester you until you have to give them some excuse. I would think the OB can give you suggestions, but I like the one about being on a medication or something that won't allow you to. Just say it's dr's orders.
I don't think anyone should judge you for not wanting to bf. My first response was that you're an adult, tell them you don't want to do it and leave it at that but it sounds like you're extended family life is pretty complicated.
My friends milk never really came in and she had to supplement with formula. I don't think there are any health issues with not bf-ing...lots of women don't. When I weaned from bf-ing it took about a week for my milk to dry up. It may be less if you never start. Whatever you do, don't pump - that will only increase your supply.
Good luck...I hope you don't have to deal with this added pressure after baby.
Just tell them you can't do it and refuse to discuss it further.
I second the poster who recommended therapy. Raising a kid is sure to bring up some of those issues for you. Best of luck.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do as a grown adult. You don't even have to justify your decision to family members. But like PP said, perhaps the easiest "excuse" is to either tell them you are on medication that prevents you from breastfeeding, or that you have supply problems and decided at the hospital that you'd rather just use formula. End of discussion -- make it known that this is not something you plan on discussing any further with them.
As for your milk supply, it'll only take a few days for them to dry up if you never nurse.....your body will realize there is no demand and slowly stop production. You can probably just hand express or take a hot shower to alleviate some of the engorgement at that point, but your Dr. will have plenty of tips on how to make you feel better over that time period.
So sorry about your history -- I don't think you should DD because I'm sure there are others in a similar situation to you who don't feel comfortable posting here.
Wrangling babies since 2010
It's no ones business whether you breastfeed or not - I think the simplest excuse if you really feel you need one, would be to say your milk simply didn't come in. That does happen, and how would they know, anyway?
I do second the opinion that you should definitely at least consider the therapy route if you have an opportunity - your emotional turmoil that has resulted from your childhood abuse won't only effect you and your husband now... I was abused and have to say therapy was the single-handed most difficult and SMART thing I did to help me work through it.
Obviously totally your call, but if it's so extremely overwhelming for your day to day life I can't imagine wanting it to be that way forever, things could be better for you one day, and I hope for you that they will. Good luck with whatever you decide - but please don't worry about BFing, your baby will be fine, and it's no ones business!
This. While I believe you don't really have to make up excuses for deciding what is best for you and your child, I can understand the preassure family can put in this cases, so think this is and excuse that can fly easily and that will have them leave you alone.
As a PP said, I think therapy would do you good too.
GL.
First of all, I'm sorry for all that you've been through. And I second pp's suggestion to get counciling. It can't hurt.
As far as BFing... you do NOT have to make excuses to anyone for such a personal decision. But since you feel nervous about having your family approach this subject with you, it would probably be best to have a reason you feel comfortable with lined up, just incase. I wouldn't say you have latch issues because some of the BFing experienced women in your family might insist that they can help you & bug you to give it another try. I would come up with a non-negotiable reason, like you are on a medication that you MUST take that would get passed through your milk, so the doctor advised you not to breastfeed because it would actually be worse for the baby.
Good luck.
1) Let your doctor know your decision on breastfeeding and they might be able to give you some helpful things to say to your family.
2) You shouldn't have any health issues, but from what I've heard, it will be painfull/uncomfrotable
3) However long it will take your body to dry up the milk
4) In my birthing class I leard that if you are pumping the milk out that it will continue to produce milk. They said that you will have to put a pressure wrap around your breasts to help them dry up. It will be painful but if that is what you want to do, I'm sure you can do it.
Try not to let your family get to you. You and your husband came to the decision on your own and no matter what they say it's no one elses decision but your own.
Best of luck.
thank you for your replies.
I do not want to go to a LC or OB about this problem, its difficult to talk to someone who is so much in favor of BF.
I dont know why I have this need to explain to people, but I do. I just wish I had a solid excuse so that I can just worry less about going into further details.
If you knew DH's family (they are the one's going to be here), they can be very persistent and I don't want to have sour relations when they are going to be here for months. It will be really stressful. Things would just be easier if I had a valid excuse. There is no thing as boundaries in my or DH families. If I tell them I choose not to talk about this, DH's mom will probably call my mom, and grandparents and they will have a long talk to me for days until I give them an answer that satisfies them or until I do what they think is right. My MIL would make life hell for me talking about this non stop.
They know I dont take any medicines, and FIL is in science so he would know about this stuff. I think its a good idea to say milk never came in.
And thanks, I will not DD, I never thought that other people could be benefited by this post too.
It sounds like you have been through a lot - I don't know if you've looked into counseling, but it might be a really good idea. Whatever happened was not your fault and you don't deserve to live with the scars of the past.
That being said, how you feed your baby is 100% up to you and your H and no one else. If your family is opinionated and pushy, I can see why it will be a PITA to keep defending yourself. Telling them that it's none of their business would be a good first step, but I wouldn't be against making up an excuse (like being on a medication) to get them off your back. You do not need any more stress at this time in your life!
I agree with everyone else. Just say you and your husband made the personal decision to formula feed. End of discussion.
As far as the BFing questions...
You most likely will not have any health issues from not breastfeeding. Your breasts will become engorged and rock hard and painful when your milk comes in because the pressure will not be released by breastfeeding. My friend just gave birth and formula feeds and I believe she was in pain for a week. Just make sure to wear a supportive bra, try cabbage leaves, sudafed can dry them up. I think it is normal to sometimes run a low grade fever during engorgement, but anything worse you should contact OB.
Do not pump, do not hand express, this will only tell your body to produce more milk.
Good luck and I am so sorry you are dealing with a horrible past! You got a very exciting event coming up in your life...time to make new awesome memories!
Choosing to bf or not is a personal decision. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Yes, there are benefits to both you and the baby to bf but you can both be just as healthy formula feeding. You will not have complications or risk of infection, like you asked, if you do not bf. Your milk will still come in so you should speak to a medical pro or lactation consultant about how to handle this.
As for your history I hope you have talked to your dr about this. They absolutely need to be aware of this for delivery. If you have been so traumatized I would be more focused on how your delivery is going to impact you instead of your focus on bf'ing. And if you haven't done so already you should get into therapy for now and the future. You certainly don't want your trauma to have negative impact on your LO.
And please out of respect for those of us taking the time to respond don't DD this thread. That is kind of a dbag move.
I understand that the pressures of family can be overwhelming. If they are constantly hounding you to breastfeed, I can understand why you wouldn't want to flat out say "I'm not BFing because I don't want to." Judging from your post, they don't sound like the kind of people that would take that as a justified answer (as if you have to give them one in the first place)
On the same note though, I don't condone lying about anything, so to say that you are on medication that prevents you from BFing may sound odd to them. You would have to research the medication, as I'm sure they would ask you what it is, and why you can't BF, or if you can just stop taking it all together. Don't lead them on to think that you want to BF when you really don't, because they WILL find ways for you to BF if they are that determined.
Seek therapy, like other PP have said. It sounds like you've come a long road, and was brave enough to post this but still have a way to go. I've been reading a book about adult survivors of childhood abuse and the issues that can arise as their giving birth. It isn't just BFing that may hinder your joy and excitement of a newborn. No one has to know you are going to therapy either, if you don't want to share.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
1) I agree with your DH. You do not HAVE to breastfeed and it is NO ONE's business why you chose to FF instead. You should not have to defend yourself and I would not give a second thought to someone who wants to judge you for it. I chose not to BF and won't again this time. I heard a lot of shiit for MIL and her sister and I just told them that it was my decision and it was final. Judge away.
If you want to lie to everyone, then just say your milk never came in. It happens all the time.
2) You will not have any health issues if you chose not to BF.
3) I was only uncomfortable for about 2 days. It felt like my breasts were badly bruised. I took Advil and wore sports bra's constantly and it really helped.
4) DO NOT PUMP. Don't do anything. By pumping or BFing, it will only cause your body to make more milk. You just have to do nothing and wait it out.
GL to you!
Carter Robert 7.18.08 | Brynn Sophia 5.24.10 | Reid Joseph 9.10.12 | Emerson Mae 1.27.14
As it's his family that is likely to cause the issues, HE needs to tell them that this isn't up for discussion.
If there are no boundaries now, it will only get worse when LO is here. It's a great time to start setting them. HE needs to step up and tell them there is no issue here, and whatever issue they perceive is not open for discussion. Period.
I am overwhelmed by your responses.
I was expecting to get flamed at least in few posts but you people have been so supportive, it blew me away.
I had this feeling that I am doing something wrong but your responses have given me validation about my feelings.
I will seek out therapy. Right now my financial condition is a bit tight, but I definitely want to get into therapy so I I dont pass on my issues to my baby.
You might want to thnk about getting a 2nd opinion if your OB is too in favor of BF. My OB is very open about talking over all options (BF, Pumping, FF) & helping DH & I choose what's best for us & our family. He hasn't every tried to push any option on us. The only person who ever tried to push BF on me was a co-worker!
As for your family, if it's DH's side, ask him to handle it. Explain that you just don't/won't have the energy to explain yourself to family & ask him to just expain to them that you guys decided as a family that BF isn't going to work & to just leave it at that. If they push, just ignore & stick with the "It was our family decision"
Last, I definitely agree with pp, look into getting therapy for what happened to you in the past.
Sometimes there are free community programs re: counseling so maybe that would be an option for you.
As far as the BFing, I'd reconsider discussing it w/ your OB. Maybe they can support your decision to your family & just state there is a medical reason why it'd be best for you not to BF. Maybe that would get the family to back off and leave you alone about it. If you have a woman Dr in your OB practice maybe it would be easier to speak to her? Regardless, don't let them pressure you. I am sure they mean well, but it's your body & your baby. They'll eventually get over it or even if they don't they won't be around forever in your home.
Good luck to you!
DD1 born 5/24/10.
Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.
DD2 born 5/14/13.
Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.
My sister couldn't breast feed due to issues relating to her rape as well. Most of our family didn't know about her experience and some hassled her about it. I personally don't think that you should have to tell anyone your reasoning for choosing not to BF. My sister simply told people " I am unable to BF" if someone tried to push her into naming her reason for not being able to BF she said "my breasts are not an appropriate topic of discussion. I am unable to breast feed, that is all I choose to discuss with you." Her DH had her back on it so if someone got particularly pushy he would step in.
All that matters is that you feed your child, how you do it is no ones business or concern other than you own.
My sister did end up seeking intense therapy for her issues and was able to BF her second child.
It sounds like you've been through a lot. PPs have good advice on the BFing thing.
What worries me about your post is that you're not comfortable talking about this stuff with your OB or any other professionals. I feel like giving birth is such a traumatic major life event, and the stuff that follows is so intense, it's really important to have someone in your corner who you feel is your advocate. If your OB can't do this for you, I really hope you can find a therapist, or a clergymember, or *someone* to advocate for you. Are you in the United States now? If you are, there are local resources in most towns for victims of rape and abuse. Even though the trauma you experienced was a long time ago, they can still help.
Good luck!!
BIO
I'm a little late, but I also agree with this 100%. I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through.
Also, I'm not sure if this is an option in your area, but if you want, you can look into a milk bank or a milk share place that donates breastmilk to mom's who can't BF. Now, I'm not suggesting you should do this just because you can't BF, but given how your family seems to be, you may want to at least tell them you're looking into getting milk donated.
Best of luck, and please, when you're ready try to get some counseling.
You absolutely have a "valid" excuse for not wishing to BF, and you have every right to formula feed your child. For many women, BF is a great bonding experience with their baby, but for you it sounds like it would be traumatic and uncomfortable, which your baby would sense. You should not feel ashamed or bad about your past experiences influencing how you feel today. In fact, be proud at how brave you are to write such an honest and vulnerable post!
As far as explaining your choice to your family, I would simply tell them that you discussed your health with your doctor, and have decided it would be best not to BF and that you are not going to discuss such private matters further.
Good luck and best wishes for a healthy baby!
I realize how difficult it is to talk about such issues, but your OB NEEDS to be aware. You don't have to say much about the situation - just say "I was abused when I was younger, and I am not at all comfortable breastfeeding and worried how it might affect my labor and delivery." They really should be aware, because if something happens in l&d that makes you uncomfortable you're not going to want to explain everything then. It will only make everything easier for you in the long.
And if your OB won't accept that as a reason not to breastfeed and gives you a hard time, you need to find a new OB.