So i have lurked but I think its time for me to post...long..
LVbaby07
member
I am putting it all out there. After my first daughter was born I thought my life was over. IShe had colic and was jst such a hard baby and is still a hard toddler. I cried everyday and thought i had made a mistake. I missed my old life terribly and thought about leaving many times. I thought just the baby blues but it didnt go away for months. I never got any help but just went on and it did get better. Fast foward..my first daughter got past her infant days and started sleeping and became my world and things started getting back to normal and I couldnt imagine my life without her. I got used to my new life and was fine with it and enjoyed it. Got pregnant with my second. Thought i wouldnt have any issues with depression b/c I already had a baby and I knew what it was like to not have my old life. DD2 is now 5 weeks old and I think I am more depressed then the first time. I just cant stop thinking about how happy I was before my kids. Mine and my husband relationship changed...for the worse. I want to be happy so bad but just cant stop feeling this way. My husband is not around right now b/c he is a CPA and works 80+ hours a week. I am so alone. He calls me a wuss if i get upset and cant talk to him about things. I have no family. My parents left me when i was 9 months and was raised by my grandmother. My DHs family is so great and supportive but i dont feel confortable talking to them about anything b.c they are the "perfect" family. I gained so much weight and feel so gross that i get sick whenever i look at myself. I am just so miserable and feel so bad that I brought these kids into a world with such an unhappy mother. I would never ever hurt them but I will be completely honest that i have thought numerous times how their life would be better without me. I am completely selfish. I know this. I also want to hope that this will go away soon like it did with my first daughter and I will be happy again soon...but i feel it is worse this time. I was reading on some site also that if moms never treated there depression then there kids could end up having issues like eating issues, sleep issues, hyperactivity and slow language development..this is my first daughter to the tee...she doesnt eat good..aweful sleeper, she is so hyper and she is almost 2 and doesnt talk. Did i ruin her? Sorry if this got long. I am just so tired of crying 24 hours a day and hating my life. It is not failr to these beautiful kids i have. What should I do?
Re: So i have lurked but I think its time for me to post...long..
I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
first of all you are going to be okay. your children are going to be okay. you did not ruin them.
writing that all out and posting it here was a great first step. I'm so so sorry that you have had to suffer for so long without help. Many many women have been where you are and have come through to the other side. Please call your OB or your PCP and tell them how you have been feeling. They can get you on medication that will do wonders for you. I would also really really think about finding a therapist in your area. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and it was the single best thing I have ever done for myself and for my DD.
I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now but it is there. The thoughts that you are having are not you - it is the disease. You are a good mom. You will get through this and look back on it and be able to help other moms going through what you went through.
please start your road to recovery by talking to your doctor. and googling postpartum depression plus the name of your city to get some resources and/or therapists in your area.
also this blog is a wonderful source of information https://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/postpartum-depression-psychosis-ocd-whats-wrong-with-me.html
hugs to you.