Forcing a toddler to say "I'm sorry."

gina_dt · February 2010

So this has happened twice in my presence with two different mothers. One was ages ago before I had my own child. I was shopping with a friend and her son (maybe a 3 year old.) He was in the shopping cart and swinging his legs. He kicked her. She went on and on with, "Tell Mommy you're sorry. Tell Mommy you're sorry." Of course, he didn't want to and it turned into a big thing.

Then, yesterday when I picked my daughter up from DC (that's right, unlicensed, in-home care) one of the other mother's was also picking up her son (he's a little over 2.) He'd been asking for his pacifier for a while apparently and my DCP told his mother that and that he had been a little whiny about it. The mother told the boy to, "Tell DCP you're sorry." And she went on and on about it, too. My DCP seemed uncomforable. She finally asked him if he was sorry and he nodded. They left.

I didn't say anything to DCP about it, but I wondered what the story is on that. Is this some sort of parenting style that I haven't read about? At age 2-3 does a child really comprehend being sorry for their actions. And it seems to just turn into an unnecessary battle of wills. Do you do this with your child? If so, what is your goal? Any thoughts?

mommyhd · February 2010

If Gav does something "mean" we encourage him to say he's sorry, but we don't force him. If he doesn't, there's nothing I can do. I will usually apologize for him. At this point, he doesn't talk a whole lot so it's not like sorry is a regular word in his vocab.

erbear · February 2010

Everything I'[ve ever read says that's fine to ask for it/encourage it when warrented, but you won't be able to force a toddler to apologize, and he/she doesn't get it yet anyway. Seems like a battle that's not worth fighting to me...they'll get it eventually.

Temp146997687502158 · February 2010

If DS hits me I'll typically say that hurt mommy can you say sorry? This doens't happen often, but if too much time passes after the incident, they don't have recollection of it. I am so uncomfortable when other parents continually get their kids to hug/kiss/say sorry to me or my DS especially when it was a clear accident and not their fault.

tarebear9891 · February 2010

Not right now. But I would think a 3 year old would be old enough to comprehend being sorry. I wouldn't force him to say sorry but I would take him aside and explain that his actions hurt someone and encourage him to say sorry.

preg_amy · February 2010

When I worked at a Daycare center in the 2 year old room, a little boy scratched me on purpose. He was kind of a physical kid, but I knew that and we were working on it (or trying to as much as we could, the parents were not very cooperative when it came to working on it at home).

I was fine, I knew his behavior, it was a little scratch. But we did need to fill out an incident report because it happened. We don't mention named on the incident reports. But the other teacher in my classroom told the parents that it was me that he scratched (I was furious that she did this).

They tried to get him to apologize to me for a week. I'm sorry, but he was two. Two and a half. By the next morning, he had probably forgotten what he did. By the next morning, he probably forgot! It was so embarrassing! And I didn't know what to say and as a teacher, you are strongly advised against correcting someone's parenting like that. So I just had to sit there and be embarrassed. They even took a toy away at home until he apologized to me.

I didn't even care! It was so bad.

I'll never understand this. Kids that age don't even understand what "I'm sorry" means, and usually by the time they have to say it, they don't know why they are saying it.

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2010

I don't do this with my child. I think it's important to recognize what you can and can't make your kids do, and there's no way you can force a child to say "sorry" if he doesn't want to. To your point, then it just turns into this huge power struggle and the kid is going to win every single time.

I try to model "sorry." If I accidentally step on Finn's foot, I tell him I'm sorry and then say something like "it's good to tell people we're sorry if we do something that hurts them or hurts their feelings." He usually does it on his own.

adri77 · February 2010

When my 3 year old purposely hurts my 17 month old, I start by saying "look at Aaron. He's crying b/c you kicked him in the face. You hurt him and he's sad now. Mommy's sad b/c you hurt him too" He is totally capable of understanding all of this, and is starting to feel remorse for some things. So I DO ask him to say he's sorry, but if I can't get it out of him, I drop it. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting him into the habit of saying sorry if he does something hurtful. But I'd rather him understand the effect of his actions on others (he's hurting someone, making someone feel bad/sad) then actually verbalizing remorse at this point.

lvisser · February 2010

If Ry pushes/shoves her cousin/brother, I ask her to give them a hug or a kiss... she is very willing to do that, and I call it good..

goodheartedmommy · February 2010

My kids know what sorry means (well, not the youngest yet). They say it willingly and mean it--without me telling them to say it. If they don't say it, we talk about what they did, why it was wrong, and ask them what they want to do to fix it--it usually ends with them telling the person sorry. I make sure they see me being apologetic (genuinely) so I can set a good example for them.

madhatter2003 · February 2010

Immediately after the action you bet they will say sorry or at least make an attempt at 2...they may not 'mean' it but I start this early.

At 3 my DD DEFINITELY knows when she's done something wrong even after the fact. I'll pick her up at daycare and she'll tell me if she was in timeout etc that day.

They are MUCH MUCH smarter than you give them credit for.

lpennie16 · February 2010

Mrs.Hizzo:

I don't do this with my child. I think it's important to recognize what you can and can't make your kids do, and there's no way you can force a child to say "sorry" if he doesn't want to. To your point, then it just turns into this huge power struggle and the kid is going to win every single time.

I try to model "sorry." If I accidentally step on Finn's foot, I tell him I'm sorry and then say something like "it's good to tell people we're sorry if we do something that hurts them or hurts their feelings." He usually does it on his own.

I like this

Lucky_Dragonfly · February 2010

I don't think I wil "make" DS say sorry until 3.5-4yrs old. By then he can understand and only when he did someting deliberately. if it was an accident then that is one thing.

LaLaSweets · February 2010

Olivia started to say "sorry" about 2 weeks ago. After she did something she shouldn't have, we would tell her to say sorry and she just picked it up and said sawy ?after she threw her water bottle. She actually means it too. Then she gives a hug and a kiss

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2010

I also meant to say that sometimes Finn doesn't want to say "sorry," but he will go give a hug or a kiss. I'm OK with that.

madhatter2003 · February 2010

Yeah, I'm ok with a hug/kiss....but seriously they will at least acknowledge that they did something wrong as early as possible. I model it even now for DS, if he hits the cat I go and teach him 'gentle', etc.

tmp-354536812503300 · February 2010

My DS says "I'm sorry" and knows when and how to use it. If he bumps into someone or throws the ball and it hits me, he'll say "I sorry Mommy" over and over until I tell him, "it's ok."

racegirl723 · February 2010

Interestingly, this topic came up in a meeting I had with the Director of our daycare center last week. She said that in his classroom which is 18 mos to 3 y.o. they do not tell the children to say sorry when they hurt another child b/c the kids don't understand what it means at that age.

I agree and I usually correct DS by saying something to the effect that we don't hit/shove/etc. others b/c it hurts and makes them sad and then I will ask DS if he can show me a gentle touch, which he usually does, but if he doesn't I let it go.

While this is how I handle it most of the time, there have been situations where I feel like others expect a "sorry", so I have asked DS to say sorry in those cases. If he doesn't, I let it go and apologize for him.

blueshirt2003 · February 2010

My son turns two on March 7th and he knows how to use the word "sorry".

If he hits us and we say ouch or whatever, he'll say "I'm sowwy".

If he hits his big brother we have him apologize, etc.

JulyFiveBride · February 2010

I'm not big on forcing please, thank you, or sorry. We plan to teach DD what those words mean, but there is nothing more ridiculous, imo, than when you force a kid to say one of those things and you can obviously tell they don't mean it. I'd rather my child learn to say it when they sincerely mean it than just spit it out because I told her she has to. DD already does say all three words in context and will say them sometimes, not all the time. We're good with that.

My SIL was driving me crazy a few days ago over this, though. DD was eating cheddar cheese and SIL was eating a piece of string cheese. DD decided that string cheese is way cooler and wanted some of it. SIL gave her a few bites and then when she said "more" SIL said "not until you say please." I jumped in and said "she isn't going to say please just because you told her to. She never does." But SIL kept pushing it and DD started crying because she wanted the cheese and didn't get why she couldn't have it. I kept trying to distract her with the cheddar cheese, but she was over it and only wanted string cheese. I told SIL several times that DD just doesn't get it and she was just frustrating her and then finally FIL jumped in and said "let's go find you a better snack." SIL got all huffy and was like "she needs to learn to say please." I wanted to kick her. Then DD saw MIL eating something and said "bite please." lol.

Mrs.Bible · February 2010

adri77:
When my 3 year old purposely hurts my 17 month old, I start by saying "look at Aaron. He's crying b/c you kicked him in the face. You hurt him and he's sad now. Mommy's sad b/c you hurt him too" He is totally capable of understanding all of this, and is starting to feel remorse for some things. So I DO ask him to say he's sorry, but if I can't get it out of him, I drop it. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting him into the habit of saying sorry if he does something hurtful. But I'd rather him understand the effect of his actions on others (he's hurting someone, making someone feel bad/sad) then actually verbalizing remorse at this point.

I am sorry but I am LOL at this because I keep getting this visual of this little kid doing this massive karate move on his lil brother...

momtoRaegan041008 · February 2010

If my daughter hits or something that is hurtful I encourage her to say she's sorry, but more importantly I have her give me or the other child a hug. I don't force it, but I do encourage it. I always make sure the other child is okay before disciplining my daughter.

HeatherLynneH · February 2010

My daughter is 23 months, She says sorry after a time out for, she apologizes for her behavior if she through a toy or a temper tantrum or something. I let her know it is ok to be angry but acting out of anger can hurt people and or make them sad. She is very responsive when someone crys or is hurt.. she kisses boo boos better and when ever she sees someone crying she gives them a hug. I dont force her to say it but i encourage her to.

silvurturtle · February 2010

Situations dont arise very often where an apology is required but when they do, I dont force DD to say sorry but I do encourage her to give a hug. (she isn't talking and therefore doesn't have the vocabulary to verbalize I'm sorry).

It usually goes something like this:

Tater, no mam. We do not hit our friends. It hurts and our friends do not like it. Please give ___________ a hug to say you are sorry.

90% of the time she complies but if she is in a defiant mood. I will apologize and remove her from the situation.

punkfiction_v.3 · February 2010

//not reading replies.

i do not force feelings on my kids. dd1 knows what sorry means - she'll say it if she is.

Jays-n-Shane · February 2010

I've been asking DD to say sorry when she hurts me for a while now. I don't push it, but I do encourage it. Apparently it's working b/c Tues she puked a little on the couch, and came back over after she cleaned her face and had a drink, pointed to the spot and said "I sorry. Mess."

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