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Parenting after 35
Daisiesinmygarden
member
Offensive or not???
Daisiesinmygarden
member
My ILs play favorites with their kids (SIL over DH) and bio grandkids over step grandkids (i.e. they do little to nothing for/with my SFILs kids, but fawn over SILs child), so this doesn't surprise me. I don't expect them to acknowledge all of our kids everytime they send something to DD, but I certainly do for holidays. I got a package in the mail today, well it was addressed to Madison, for a doll and card for Valentine's Day. There nothing for the other two boys. I know, they are big boys, but they still in school and live at home with us and it would be appropriate to send a card for them also, not just *thier* granddaughter. Any type of preferential treatment of children makes my skin crawl.
What would you do if your IL's treated only their bio grandkids like *real* grandchildren?
They are this way with other family members even when the children were raised since a baby in the family. I don't have any illusions of changing thier thinking, only thier behavior towards our kids. Or should I just let it go.
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Re: Offensive or not???
I would be offended, yeah.
Has anyone talked to them about this? Maybe instead of going it alone, you could band together with everyone and talk to them?
Unfortunately, I don't think that the other siblings would be open to it, esp. since it has gone on for many years. Some of the grandkids are grown. In fact, I became aware of how blatent it was when I was at the funeral of one of the older step-grandchildren (MIL's step grandson) and I was told that he had a sister, when in fact he had a half brother that was raised by the stepfather (with no other father as far as I know) that wasn't mentioned (in the conversation telling me who was who) and when I asked he was dismissed as "not really his brother".
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.. You're cracking me up tonight. That is perfect. They have two cats. Maybe I should just send it to ONE of their cats. LOL Taranchulas... AHAHAha
So, these are your husband's parents? And the boys are your sons from a previous relationship? (Just trying to wrap my brain around it all.)
This is a fight your husband needs to fight on your family's behalf. If their thinking holds true, you're probably not part of the "family" either, since you just married their son.
I'd also send back the gift with a note explaining why--that you can't accept a gift for one child without acknowledging all of the children. But that's just the way I think.
I would be offended but I would let it go. My step-dad is lovely to M, but has made no attempt to hide the fact that his own granddaughter comes first. Makes sense, but when my mom gets things for Mikey she gets things for step-niece as well. Step-dad isn't as thoughtful though.
I'm used to it and haven't said anything.
My Blog
I am sorry you have to go through this....I would be hurt too. Sometimes "family" can be who you choose, not who you are born into (or married into)
I would just strenghten my relationships with family and friends who want to be with your kids - it is surely their loss though!
Offensive? Yea!
I was a step child and not the favorite. I want all my kids to be treated equally.
DH is my 2nd husband. It's a package deal. With me he gained a daughter. He treats her as his own. His family does not. It sucks. But, on the other hand, my mother favors my daughter and honestly has no interest in my sons. My mother tells me I should contact Nanny 911 because DS1 is hyper. And, the few times she has babysat, DS1 stays in time out most of the time while they give DD one on one attention.
I don't know what the answer is. For me, I just limit our interactions.
Big - 1 year old
Bigger - 6 years old
Biggest - 13 years old
They don't know about the gift/card. I don't think they *want* anything - it really isn't about that. It's just that they are the step-children on both sides (our house and their dad's). Their Step mother and all of her family treats them both horribly. I wish I had been there for some of the comments she and her parents have made to my kids. I would have punched them and I don't care if they are older than the hills. I was hoping for more from my ILs. They were fine with all of us until the baby was born. Now they act differently.
I just unwrapped the gift and told DH what I thought of it. I put the babydoll in the toy box, still in the package. I think we will have a discussion with them when we go down. The boys will only be here for a few more years (one will be gone in a few months). I would think they can play nice with the kids until then. All she needed to do was stick a Valentine's Day card for the boys in the box she UPSed down.
Just treat the kids the same - it's not that freakin' hard.
I'm so sorry Ladyaylena. This is what I worry about.
I don't ever want my kids to feel like I let the family that I brought them into treat them like they aren't as good as other family members - and it seems that is what is starting to happen
.
Yes, his parents and yes the boys are from my first marriage.
I agree that he should fight this one, but I think it will probably be both of us.
If it were just me, I would also just return it with a note explaining why. Since Maddie is too little to know anything and the older kids weren't aware of it, I think we can get away with letting this one slide and talk to them before any other holidays come up.
Unfortunately, it is usually something you can't change. I have loved my step family unconditionally the entire time. I never even refer to them as "step" family. The fact that they treat me like I am not good enough for them is just wrong. But I DARE any of them to treat my son different...because even though my mom never spoke up for me, I will certainly be sticking my foot in it about my son. I'll never treat any of them any different, so I can walk away with a clear conscience. Even if the kids act like they don't care... they will see it and eventually it will bother them.
It's nice to see someone who treats others the way they want to be treated regardless of how they are treated. That can be so hard to do over the long haul. However, you are right, you'll always know that you did the right thing.
We don't make a big deal or a distinction in my family and my mother would never give something to one of my brother's kids and not the other (he had one and his 2nd wife had one when they got married). She wouldn't even put only MY name on the Christmas gift that was mine (it was what I asked for) and only DH's on his gift (also what he asked for) since mine cost a lot more, she put us both on the tags. She just couldn't be unfair.
For them not to be acknowledged at Christmas or something, I would definitely not be offended, but for boys on Valentine's Day, I wouldn't be bothered. I know that it is the overall principle that you are referring to though
My mom and I actually had a talk about this when I was pregnant. I have a 10 y/o DSS and just this past year my sister and I both had babies, my parents first bio grandkids. My mom has always bought gifts for DSS for Christmas and bdays, but she was concerned about whether or not she needed to up the ante since she would be spoiling her two new grandbabies rotten. At the end of the day though, DSS has a 2 households, a set of grandparents (DH's parents are both deceased) and 2 sets of step-grandparents buying him gifts on every occassion. My baby has one house and 1 set of grandparents and that DSS wouldn't be hurting for gifts and attention. Is it possible that your husbands family is using similar reasoning.
That being said- only my parents and DH and I have ever made any contributions to DSS's college fund (and they have made big one's) so they are still taking care of him very well.
My Dad was adopted as an infant, and adopted my half-siblings and myself as children (3,5,7yo's). This was an issue with his parents until they passed away.
It still hurts that they never considered him (or us) as good as their biological daughter.
My .02 cents, for what it is worth, is to address it with them bluntly. Tell them that you don't expect anything elaborate, but that it is very important to you that they at least acknowledge the boys at holidays. If they don't or can't follow through then return their gifts with a polite note letting them know that it is too hurtful to your family and while you appreciate their thinking of DD, you can't allow DS's to continue to be excluded.
Yes, it is not perhaps exactly as you would wish for things to be. BUT, being the devil's advocate...Your husband chose this situation for himself [to acquire step-kids] the rest of his family is just along for the ride. They may not like the idea AND they had no choice in the matter [and neither did the kids involved].
It is a curiosity to me that we all hold such high expectations for those who had no CHOICE in the situation. The kids are expected to be totally loving to someone who is not their bio-parent and the in-laws are supposed to love some step-grandkids? Seriously? Now for the really tough part.... YOU have to realize that you chose to divorce bio-Dad and create a step-family situation for them AND open up the possibility for their bio-Dad to also do the same. I feel for the children of divorce. People like to say how resilient kids are. Sometimes parents just need to buckle down and get their stuff together, act like adults and do what is best for their children.
I never ever said this " The kids are expected to be totally loving to someone who is not their bio-parent and the in-laws are supposed to love some step-grandkids?". I never talked about love or forcing anyone to feel anything - you added all of that. I was just talking about being fair as adults should, this doesn't take love, just decency.
I respectfully take issue with the statement quoted (not the bolded one) as a little judgemental, esp. given that you do not know the circumstances of my divorce. While it may not have been direct at me, specifically, it was in a response to my post, so - it kinda was. Furthermore, there are quite a few wonderful divorced ladies on this board who tried and regretfully had to end their marriages. I think we all feel enough regret,worry and guilt about the choices we made for our children - even when it was the best possible option. I think we ALL "feel for children of divorce".
Not that my divorce is actually any of your business, but you might want to consider that not all divorces are done in haste because the parents don't know any better. No amount of "buckeling down" would have helped our marriage.
I understand that no one asked his parents if they wanted my kids, however, I DO expect them to "buckle down" and suck it up and be fair. I don't ask them to actually love them, that is for them in their own head and heart and I can't and don't want to have any say in that. However, I do have a say in how ALL of my children are treated and I can at least address a situation in the hope that they will be open.
I admire the absolute equality shown in the number of pictures you post of each of your children in your signature. I'm sorry, but have you heard about the pot calling the kettle black?
And, I don't mean to offend your sensibilities, but you would prefer for your IL's to act out or "fake" an emotion that they don't feel. You just want them to "go through the motions". I understand your issues with the grown up civility of the situation, but sometimes that is asking a bit much from those who didn't ask to be in the situation. Isn't it curious how divorced parents feel so entitled and are so easily offended by differing opinions? Perhaps this is the guilt you mentioned rearing it's ugly head.
You could either explain the issue to the older kids [because let's face it, life isn't really all that "fair"], or you can punish your daughter by returning the gifts and letting your IL's know that you are hurt by their actions.
Perhaps if you lowered your expectations just a bit, you would experience less disappointment.