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Preemies
Feeling alone (kinda long)
Sorry this is probably going to be hugely large post, but I just have to get it out. And I'm probably going to ramble on about a million things, so bear with me! I have been feeling very alone lately. DD is 6 months old now so I'm not sure where this is coming from all of a sudden. I just feel that no one gets me. I think her prematurity still has a major affect on me and everyone else sees it as, yeah she was a preemie, she's fine now, get over it. I think everyone is sick of hearing about it. But, really, you don't know she's fine. Sure she seems fine and healthy, but who knows what obstacles are ahead of us. I hate when people tell me how good she is going and just seem to dismiss everything else. Maybe I'm dwelling on her being a preemie? And obviously, I'm not fine either. I act like it, but I feel like I'm broken. I'm in a slump, not really motivated to do anything. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is doing things that support preemie type things. Like coming on this board. Being here and reading what everyone else has going on and responding back makes me feel like I belong. You guys get me. I can be completely honest and you will know where I'm coming from. Or another thing that helps is working on the march for babies walk, trying to raise awareness and money and trying to make it a fun/special day. Or blogging, I just started a blog, but I realized I really want to do it. I want to be able to remember and I want to share with people what is going on with her. But, because I am doing all this stuff, I feel like the rest of my life is being neglected. I just don't have enough hours in my day. I get up at 6 to feed McKenna, get ready for work, and leave around 7ish to be to work at 8. Then I work til 5, get home at 6, and either feed McKenna or make dinner. Then I spend time with her until she falls asleep. Then I take a shower and then it's like 10pm like it is now. I want to be working on promoting my fundraiser for MOD or blogging about her turning 6 months and how much she has changed in this last month. But, as I sit here and type, I see that the kitchen is a mess, clean laundry is still in baskets from days ago, I know I need to organize our medical bills and get them in order, etc. I don't know if I just don't care enough, or if I don't have the motivation, but these things keep getting pushed aside. Plus, I'm tired and would like to go to bed before midnight some day. I know no one said that this was going to be easy, because even with a full term baby, I know I'd be not getting much sleep and have a very busy hectic life. So maybe I should have expected this all along? I just don't know how to find a good balance. I also hate that I am not a SAHM. McKenna goes to my mom's while I am at work, so I am happy that she is there and not at daycare. But, I hardly get to spend any time with her as it is, so I am jealous that she is with my mom all day. I'm sure I'm going to end up missing a bunch of her "firsts".
Sorry, I know this has just been a cluster of a post, but it's all been running through my mind. I never saw a counselor at the hospital or after she was discharged...but I am feeling like I need to see one now. If you saw one, do you think it helped and how long did you go? Not sure what kind of response I was looking for in this whole rant, but if you've made it this far and have anything to say, I'm all ears. 
Phew, thanks for listening (erm, reading).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling alone (kinda long)
I'll start by saying that I don't have any answers for you, but that all of the concerns you mentioned are valid. All of the feelings you are experiencing are very normal and typical of any new mother, but especially for a new preemie mother. Let's face it, premature births made us all new moms prematurely too. We didn't have those 9 full months to prepare like maybe we had hoped to. I don't think you sound crazy at all, but I do think it sounds like you need help. At the very least someone to vent to about all of the changes you are experiencing. You are juggling a lot right now. I know there are moms on here who have gone through counseling with terrific results. I am sure they will be chiming in soon to give you the encouragement you need. Until then....((Hugs)) to you.
P.S. McKenna is a beautiful name.
First, ((Hugs)) all of your feelings are normal. You can't just "get over" having a preemie, it changes your life, your perspective, everything. You had expectations of pregnancy and motherhood and those were lost, you have a right to grieve.
I think seeking counseling is probably a good idea for all preemie moms. I didn't get counseling and I guess I kind of worked everything out on my own, but it took quite a while.
I think the slump may be adjusting to motherhood, working, and everything else. I am a SAHM and I assure you that even though I was home everyday there were (and often still are) dishes in the sink, piles of laundry. You can't do everything and shouldn't expect too.
I guess none of this is really advice, but just know this- you are not alone. We are all here and it does get better.
I have definitely been there. There have been so many times over the past three years with my preemie that I've felt just as you do now. Especially during the gray winter months. The lack of sunshine really affects my mood and my motivation.
I can't imagine having to work full-time on top of everything. I have been so lucky to be a SAHM since having my preemie.
One thing I've been trying to do lately is find joy in being a homemaker. Even though I enjoy reading blogs and boards as well, and blogging, my first priority is to my family. I try to LIVE in my home, and for my children, and my husband. If I have any extra time where I can do something for myself and I need an emotional release - that's when I start reading or writing on my blog.
Just remember that your baby will grow up so fast, and these first months and years are sooo precious - and you'll never get them back. You might hate me for saying that because you have to work, but make the most of the time you have with your preemie, and make the most of your home life so that you and your family always feel comfortable and safe there. The homemaking skills you can develop and make habit now will make carrying them on for years to come more enjoyable and fulfilling. Don't get lost on the computer.
I always wanted to see a counselor or someone when I was in the NICU, and since, but I never have. I still have emotionally challenging days - and a lot of it stems from long quarantined winters with my baby where we are both isolated from much of the outside world.
You're not alone. Hang in there.
First, big HUGS to you as you are not alone. I know you may feel it as I do sometimes too but I have these days too. I am looking into counseling as I have the same feelings you have. I also understand your feelings of wanting to do great things that are preemie related but not have the energy to touch the laundry. Believe me, you're not alone with that one. Coming from another working mom who wishes she was a SAHM, I get that too and it sucks. I can only say it gets easier and just knowing I am supporting my daughter/family makes it easier. (DH is a SAHD!) As for missing the firsts, you won't always, believe me. I thought the same thing and agonized over it. Don't be upset - you will see plenty of firsts and McKenna will make them even more special b/c you're watching. She knows her Mama is working hard for her.
You're doing a great job... forget the laundry, spend as much time as possible with her and take a breather every once in awhile.
We're here for you... hth!
Oh honey, I hear you about others thinking you're "hung up" on your baby's prematurity. Sometimes I mention it with worries or it being a reason he's slow on certain milestones and DH just says "don't blame it on him being preemie. He's fine with that stuff, this is something else." I think it's his way of dealing with it, to pretend it's all over and not think about any of it again.
Our kids are the same age and I just went back to work a few weeks ago. I'm lucky to have my mom and MIL watching DS but like you are worried that I'm going to miss a lot of firsts. I'd definitely get a counselor if I were you to get a lot of this off your chest and get some more help IRL. Hugs!
((Hugs)) I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there and know that it sucks. I also wish I had sought out a counselor but I've pretty much worked through it all on my own (and with DH).
I also work and DS is home with a nanny. I worried a lot about missing the "firsts," but I haven't actually missed any of them. When we first started feeding DS solids I was insistent that his nanny not give him any new foods because I wanted to be there for all of them. After a few weeks, I realized I didn't really care - that DS would eat or not eat and the first time was basically the same as the second time! That said, DS took his first steps in front of DH and I, he said his first "word" in front of us, etc. But really, I think being there for quality time is more important than being there for the "firsts."
It sounds like you have a long commute. Is finding a job closer to home a possibility? That might help you feel like you are spending more time with DD. Good luck. It does get better, but it takes work. Don't be afraid to ask DH for help too!