DH makes me feel stupid (vent)

Nell1217 · January 2010

I apologize in advance, I normally lurk on this board; I work from home and have a two month old.

So DH comes home from lunch, I made a great salad and we are talking and he says, "do you want to pay bills or change DS diaper?" I said, I'll change his diaper. DH says "no, you pay bills, you need to know how to do it." I said, "I know how to pay the bills, I'll do the bills, but please check DS temp when you change his diaper." (DS had been running a 102 fever last night). I could tell he was pissed about having to take his temp, because he isn't sure how to do it. He has watched me several times, but has never done it. Anyway, I am paying bills online and ask him "I thought we had the doctor's on here as online bill pay?" DH says, "we do, I told you that." I said "well its not on here." He comes over, looks at the screen and says, "well I don't know what happened to it, I thought you knew how to pay bills" He puts DS in his swing, in which he starts crying and then DH leaves.

I am pissed! I work my butt off, but he doesn't see it. I take care of the house, the baby, and work from home. And I do this all on my own. DH is gone 3-4 days out of the week and sometimes on the weekend. It doesn't help that DS has been running a fever and not feeling well because of his shots and I was up a lot last night. DH doesn't get it, he doesn't help much with DS and thinks that all he does is sleep. The other night he was holding DS and says, "here you have to take him, my arm is falling asleep, I've had him for an hour" Excuse me! I have him all day, give me a break.

Sorry ladies, I am tired and upset and need to get this out before DH comes home tonight. Anyone have any advice?

wheelsonthebus · January 2010

This is the same problem I had with working at home. Dh thought that because I worked from home, my life was way easier and that I had to assume all household responsibilities. I think men in general have a hard time understanding the energy mothering takes. They just have no idea. My advice would be to sit your DH down and tell him that even though you are at home, you are still working and that household chores and care of DS should be split 50/50. My DH is extremely stubborn and thick so it took several of these conversations before it hit home. Also, leaving your DS with your H for a day might be helpful too...just so he knows what it takes!

EbethM0231 · January 2010

Don't applogize! I'm sorry you are going through this. My DH acts like this sometimes and I thinks it's b/c they aren't home all day with us, then they have no idea what it's like taking care of a home and a baby all day. There are days that DS is so needy and I can't get some household stuff done and DH complains about it. So I left him with DS by himself one day for about 3 hours so I could run some errands and have me time. He finally realized how hard it was to take care of him and try to get stuff done around the house. Somedays it's even hard to get a bite to eat!

Just talk to your DH how you feel. If was any kind of man, he will listen, understand where you are coming from, and try to change. But that's just my opinion.

Nell1217 · January 2010

thanks ladies, I have left him once with DH for about 2 hours and maybe I need to do it again. But its so hard to find an extended time that DH is here to watch him! I just don't get it sometimes. DH feed him a bottle when he got home, did he burp him? Nope. I didn't realize this and when I picked DS out of his swing because he was crying (DH set him in there) he spit up all over my shirt. I am not going to change my shirt, in hopes that DH sees the dried spit up all down my shirt and asks what happened.

*sigh, men*

wheelsonthebus · January 2010

Nell1217:
thanks ladies, I have left him once with DH for about 2 hours and maybe I need to do it again. But its so hard to find an extended time that DH is here to watch him! I just don't get it sometimes. DH feed him a bottle when he got home, did he burp him? Nope. I didn't realize this and when I picked DS out of his swing because he was crying (DH set him in there) he spit up all over my shirt. I am not going to change my shirt, in hopes that DH sees the dried spit up all down my shirt and asks what happened.?
*sigh, men*?

Ohhh I SOO understand. When DS was little, I would leave them alone for a couple hours and I would come back to DH watching baseball and DS in his bouncy chair facing the TV. Also, DS will no longer take a bottle so my outings are limited to between nursings. It sounds like you are an excellent mother and just keep telling yourself that. It can be a thankless job but you are doing this for your DS. That's how I get through it.

HarrietNJMommy · January 2010

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there! It will get better.

MOST men really don't do the newborn stage well AT ALL. They have no idea what to do, how to do it, and they are afraid of doing something "wrong" and hurting the baby. Now I KNOW that sounds ridiculous, but that's the way it is.

I can tell you from experience that the first year with a new baby is rough on your marriage. You are trying to figure out what your baby needs, as well as figure out who is doing what and at what time and what shift, etc. that there's BOUND to be tension, even with the most communicative of couples.

My advice: Talk to your DH in a calm and reasonable manner. Don't tell him all the things that you do all day and don't give him a laundry list of things he doesn't do - that will get you nowhere, but put him on the defensive and a fight will ensue. Rather, tell him that you feel overwhelmed, and that you would like him to spend some time with your DS so that you can get some rest. Ask him when would be a good time to do so. Hopefully, your DH will want to help out and communicate his feelings/needs back to you as well.

GL!

mandymack · January 2010

HarrietNJMommy:
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there! It will get better.

MOST men really don't do the newborn stage well AT ALL. They have no idea what to do, how to do it, and they are afraid of doing something "wrong" and hurting the baby. Now I KNOW that sounds ridiculous, but that's the way it is.

I can tell you from experience that the first year with a new baby is rough on your marriage. You are trying to figure out what your baby needs, as well as figure out who is doing what and at what time and what shift, etc. that there's BOUND to be tension, even with the most communicative of couples.

My advice: Talk to your DH in a calm and reasonable manner. Don't tell him all the things that you do all day and don't give him a laundry list of things he doesn't do - that will get you nowhere, but put him on the defensive and a fight will ensue. Rather, tell him that you feel overwhelmed, and that you would like him to spend some time with your DS so that you can get some rest. Ask him when would be a good time to do so. Hopefully, your DH will want to help out and communicate his feelings/needs back to you as well.

GL!

I agree completely and have gone through this myself!

VERY best of luck getting a much-deserved break and for your DH to help out a bit more where it counts the most.

Nell1217 · January 2010

THANK YOU LADIES I was wondering if most DH don't help out during the newborn stage. Makes me feel a lot better knowing most men don't. There are days when I feel like a single mom (I don't know how they do it, they are amazing!).

I'll try talking to DH tonight, but if he is in a bad mood, I am not going there!

turtle*mom · January 2010

My advice is twofold.

1. When you both have some free time (not working, baby is napping), please have a calm and honest conversation. Explain to him all the stress you are under, list for him the things you do and how his behavior today makes you feel. As PP said, if he loves you, he will listen. He may not improve immediately, but keep having the discussion, periodically and calmly, to stay on track.

2. Establish a time, once a week, that is just for you, when DH watches the baby for an extended period of time. I don't care how many books you read or how many times you watch someone else do something: the only way to learn is by doing. When we brought Turtle home, DH and I were in the same boat - neither one of us had really every been around babies, we were both learning from the ground up and neither one of us got a pass for not having experience. The first diaper he ever changed was Turtle's in the hospital. If he doesn't know things like burping baby after feeding, then do a quick boot camp with him. Encourage him to take notes and ask questions. The more he does it, the more comfortable he will be, and the more help you will get.

Good luck!

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