I need help
mommyof4boys
member
I type this with arms and legs full of bruises from Chris. He's punched and kicked me all day today. He's had a 3 hour tempter tantrum and I can't figure out why? I tried napping him since he seemed tired and he punched me. I tried giving him a snack and he wanted chocolate. I gave him grahm crackers and will not give into the chocolate since he didn't eat his lunch well. I have had no break from him. He sleeps with me (we've tried putting him back in his room and he screems for hours keeping the rest of the house awake), tries to come in while I go to the bathroom, cries when he can't see me, and doens't know how to play by himself. I feel like I've created a monster!
I asked the DI today and she said that he doesn't know how to function without me and I need to break away. I try and I get met with kicking, punching, hitting, etc. I've hit my breaking point!
And it doesn't help that our nanny quit today with no notice; she was here 9 hours and said she won't be back next week. I've had about 4 hours (If that) sleep, I feel like I'm doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, etc. I tried to cut back and now the H is mad that I cut back at work. I work a part time job at Lane Bryant. I asked them to only put me on when they really need someone now since I need to focus on college.
Re: I need help
OMG, I am so sorry - this really sucks.....
This is what I would do:
1. Have 1 (one, please) glass of wine.
2. Let Chris work our his tantrum if possible. Or could you redirect to an activity? Maybe allow him to watch a little TV?
3. Breathe in and focus on today - you just need to get through today.
4. Look into another nanny through mommy's board, agency, freinds. Send everyone you know an email and ask for their suggestions.
Hang in there. You are a wonderful mother, and this too will pass. Go Mommy of 4 boys!!!!!
What a day... week... month... year.... you seem to be just getting it from all sides. Im so sorry.
When I was finally just done with the behavioral stuff that I didnt know how to handle, we went to see a psychologist who specializes in ASD. She was very helpful with plans for behavioral interventions that were concrete things that she has seen work over and over. Maybe theres something there that can be done. I know that throws ONE MORE THING in there for you to schedule, think about, pay for, etc... but it really did seem to help me gather my thoughts on a certain few issues. NOT that they have gone away yet... just I think I know how to deal a little better.
I'm just amazed you survive the day. I agree with Breezy that a psychiatrist might have some good ideas on behavior. However, in the short term I would remove him every time he hits or kicks. DS tried this with me when he was a bit younger than your son. Every time he hit me I would put him in his stroller (with straps for safety) or crib and walk out of the room for maybe a minute or two. I was pregnant at the time and was honestly concerned he was going to hurt me. We did this for maybe 2 days and he stopped.
DS also had horrific separation anxiety. I tried doing controlled absences in my house. So I would tell him, "mommy has to get X, she'll be right back." Then I would talk to him the whole time (he was usually crying). When I came back after being gone a minute I would say, "see, mommy came right back! I'm so happy to see you." This became such a thing in our house DS still says it now if he's not happy about me dropping him off at school or something, "mommy will be right back?". He still isn't thrilled when I leave him, but there usually isn't crying and when there is is shorter lived.
You don't want my advice on sleep. I'm a huge believer in CIO. Whatever you choose, I would pick a long weekend and work on it consistently for a few nights, even if it meant everyone was up all night. Does it help to use nature sounds or something in the other kids rooms? If you are happy sleeping with him I think that can be fine too.
I would hire a cleaner and try to get a high school kid as a mother's helper if you can't immediately find a nanny. It doesn't even have to be a great cleaner, it will take something off your plate. You couldn't really leave the kids with the mother's helper, but maybe you could have a shower or a 30 minute nap and that's better than nothing. And they might surprise you.
Your DH should be glad he's not mine. Swearing would have been involved and we generally don't fight. Is there anyway you could/would take a semester off from school? Everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like you need some time to regroup. Hang in there.
I called H to discuss with him what was going on and he thought our DI and SW could help with behaviors. The DI today said that he needs to learn to not be wtih me at all times. I know but how do I get him to learn that?
They told us to CIO; we tried just like we have any other time have tried. The first time we did, he puked. This time we CIO for an hour and a half and he still was going. I couldn't take it any more! I am not happy with him in the bed but chose my sleep over not getting it.
I really am concerned about our other children's safety. He took a train track piece and hit Matthew over the head with it and took another hard wooden train and hit him square on the back! I restrained Christopher in a time out. The second time, with the train, I took him upstairs and he bathed and went to bed. I had to rock him as I do every other night, though.
Believe me, there was a lot of swearing going on! I scrubbed the floors, bathtub, did multiple loads of laundry, dishes, cleaned, played with the kids, etc. I have been keeping up with homework and doing it with a kid on my lap. I don't want to take the semester off since it would put me an entire year behind or more! I will be almost done after this semester. I will have 3 weeks of a research class and 3 weeks of a practicum afterwards and then will have my degree whichmeans I can start working again. I want to go back to teaching and can't without this other degree.
I would like to second the advice for a glass of wine, but I am going to up it to a bottle of wine.. you deserve it.
Chris is three years old, or is it 2.5, I can not remember. I have to be honest with you I disliked this age very much. I was at my wits end all the time and felt like any minute I was going to snap. I am surprised I did not snap and to be honest I think I did a few times. All three of mine had separation anxiety with me, it was so bad in fact that when we had company or went to visit family if they wanted to visit with the kids I could not be there. They were so afraid that I would leave that they would not get off of me, would cling to me and cry if I got up to go to the bathroom. But the funny thing was, once I left, after about five to ten minutes (if that long) they were all three happy and fine. Needless to say I spent a lot of time alone when we were traveling as a result. This has just gotten better over the past year, so it lasted till about age four.
The sleep thing, we did sleep training from very early on so I never did a true cio with the kids. I was blessed with great sleepers. Not sure how I got that lucky. I do like the suggestion of a noise machine, but not for the other kids. When John Michael (ASD) can not calm down music is the only thing that works, that or nature sounds. He LOVES music, it is his special interest so to speak. You could start by implementing a fun play time in his room, where you are there with him, start by sitting on the floor and playing with him, do this every day at the same time for a couple weeks, then switch to playing with him sometimes but once he really gets into solo play just sit there, do not interact with him and do not play, just sit. Gradually then move closer to the door, again start out by playing with him, when he starts to play solo some then pull away and sit by the door and watch him play. Once he is used to this then sit in the doorway while he plays, then sit in the doorway while he plays but face towards the hall.
You are teaching him to play alone and getting him used to you not always being by his side. and you are showing him that his room is not a bad place.
For bed time, start laying down with him in his bed. Stay till he is asleep at first.
After a couple weeks sit in a chair by the bed till he is asleep. Do not talk to him, or interact sit there.
Then move the chair to where your back is to him till he goes to sleep
then sit in the door way till he goes to sleep, again not facing him, not interacting with him and not acknowledging his crying or melt downs.
Not sure if this will help but thought I would toss it out there to you.
OMG, I'm so sorry... I second what PP said...I hated that age 2-2.5. I also have to be honest that I snapped on more than one occassion and did some things I'm not proud of...but he was literally driving me insane. Although I knew it wasn't his fault...I just wasn't able to handle it. I am truly sorry you're going through it.
The only advice I have is for you to try to keep your sanity and remove yourself regularly from your home - at least an hour or two a day if you can. You have a lot on your plate and you're also trying to finish school and when you think about it, it really is too much for one person to handle day in and day out. Try to first get your babysitter/nanny situation in place and then worry about scheduling psychologists or whoever else to help with the bx's. First and foremost is for you to take a breather and not burn out completely. You not only deserve it, it's necessary for you to be able to go on and effectively help your son. You can only do that with a clear head. Even if it's just a little while on your own...so you can go to the library, take your books and do your homework with no distractions.
I wish you all the best.
It is a combination supernanny and sleep training.
there is no doubt that this is a very hard age.
my three were as chris is and while they were 2.5 developmentally they were closer to 18 months old. It was hard at times. I wanted to treat them like they were 2.5 and at times I seriously needed them to be 2.5. They really did not talk till they were closer to the age of three. Till that point we pointed and grunted and if I did not get it right it was a major melt down. Not to mention not being able to translate their "triplet language" which of course they were able to understand what each other was saying and could not understand why daddy and I had no clue what they were talking about.
My saving grace was preschool. I started them at 2.5, and it was the best thing I did for me and them. They never even cried, but of course they had each other. I think you should pursue a moms morning out program or something. This will help with social skills as well as give you a break. You could question your EI rep to see if he qualifies for state funded preschool. Which they should put him in when he turns three anyway. (I know half a year away seems like forever)
You need a break, a serious break. I wish I lived closer I would come get him for the afternoon..
hugs
So sorry you are going through this. Is there any way to leave J & M home with dad and take C out for a while to get some energy out -- a playground or something? I know that Zach acts 10 times better once he's been out and done something active. We have one park that had a swing for kids with disabilities -- a huge plastic thing with a shoulder harness that keeps Zach in place. I can push him on that for nearly an hour, and he is happy as pie and I get something akin to a break.
ETA: We have also bought various sensory equipment for home based on Zach's sensory needs that helps him get recentered. A spinny chair from Ikea: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40100253. A trampoline with a handle for the basement. A swing that we can put in a doorway. When we meet his sensory needs, his behavior otherwise improves -- he is a different child, really.
My MIL has a trampoline for him at her house and he literally is a different child. He can jump on that thing all day. Since we don't have one here I tried having him jump on a matress on the floor.
I called the developmental ped who isn't in until Monday and called his SW and left a message.
Some other cheap, easy ideas for sensory input that help us:
- Filling old milk jugs 1/2 way with water, taping the tops closed, and making a game out of having him carry them around the house (chase him, have him bring them to his brothers)
- Rides around the house in empty laundry baskets
- Making a swing out of a sheet (requires DH's help) and swinging him back and forth
- If DH isn't available, wrap him in a sheet and drag him around the house
- Roll him up in a quilt like a burrito and roll him around the floor
- Throwing him in the air and catching (I have a 37 pounder -- this one can be tough)
- Picking him up and then letting him come down hard on his feet -- kinda like you a helping him to jump and adding a little force to his landing
- Rolling around/bouncing on a therapy ball
For the past several years target has been selling a mini trampoline, that you blow up, we got one for the kids it is now in JM's bedroom.
something like this might work and the balls would be good as well
https://cgi.ebay.com/82-JUMP-O-LENE-BOUNCER-TRAMPOLINE-KID-PIT-HUT-200-BALL_W0QQitemZ350269492230QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item518db04c06
also Ikea has an awesome swing that we swear by.
Do you have any of the tunnels for him to climb through etc