Did I say something wrong, or is my old friend nuts?

CelticWife · January 2010

A friend of mine is adopting a 3 year old little girl from Ethiopia; it is through a lawyer or something they met when they were visiting, not a standard agency. We were discussing all the different things she is packing to take with her when she and her DH to pick her up in a few weeks, and she mentioned she had to pack her L'oreal shampoo and will be taking Johnson and Johnson for the little girl.

I have had a few clients who have adopted from Africa, which she knows, and I remember some of their stories about the children's hair and the condition that it was in. So I mentioned to her that she will want to take several different kinds of shampoo and conditioner, along with lotion for her skin. I also suggested that she might want to make the little girl an apt to get her hair done (cut and/or conditioned) a few weeks after they get back. There is a small place near here that an African lady owns, and she does free haircuts and treatments for adopted children. The lady is young, from South Africa, and is really sweet.

My friend got very quiet, and told me that I was being racist. I was surprised, and I asked her why she thought that. She told me I was racist because I think her child has alien hair or something; the little girl's hair is hair just like hers. (She is white.) She also told me that I was racist because I think her daughter should be treated differently then my child, and that she refuses to treat this child any differently then she would treat a white child.

I pointed out to her that a child from an orphanage would have different physical and emotional needs then a child in the suburbs. Not that they should be treated differently necessarily, but they will have different needs from their parents.

She said, See, you are a racist. And hung up.

Another friend of ours just told me that our friend told her she was being racist as well, so that made me feel a little better, but did I really say something wrong? I didn't think so but maybe I did... ::sigh::

LukeAndAmanda · January 2010

Considering people are ALWAYS going to ask about her daughter, I think she needs to get over that right now. And no, you weren't being racist. At all.

Gina418 · January 2010

I don't think you said anything even remotely racist. I think your friend is a little nutty.

alheystek · January 2010

I don't think so. You are exactly right, you don't know what kind of condition her hair is in. I think it would be a nice treat for her to get her hair cut and conditioned, especially if the lady (bless her heart) does it for free.

Amrice78 · January 2010

No I don't think you're being racist at all and if she thinks her child will have the same type of hair that she has, she's being really naive.

Califlorida · January 2010

um, no. you were not being racist. your friend sounds like she's having issues.

LondonBridges · January 2010

It doesn't sound to me like you said anything wrong. It sounds like your friend is a little sensitive to the fact that her child is of a different race than her. Sounds to me like she's the one that needs to get over it. Nothing you said seemed to point out anything about the child's race.

Snowy_Owl · January 2010

Dude your friend is so in for it.

I'm sorry her blinders are on so tight.

southernbelle82 · January 2010

I don't see how anything you said was racist. You were just speaking from experience and trying to be helpful. There's no telling what the hygiene practices are at that orphanage...she may need some special attention right at first. I think your friend is being a too sensitive.

FALLingForChris · January 2010

It sounds like your friend is just a little overly sensitive. She may just have some of the same concerns and feel guilty for thinking them. It does not make you a racist. These are actual differences that will need to be considered.

CelticWife · January 2010

Sometimes I wonder if she really wants this child. I know that she met her and loves her, but it doesn't seem like she is handling it very well. Maybe she is just nervous?

I am starting to worry that she is going to give the little girl a complex or something; make the little girl feel inferior because mom is so over sensitive.

Ciconrad · January 2010

It honestly sounds to me like she has already decided she is going to have to deal with people being racist and ignorant about her adopting an African child and is projecting her issues with that on to every comment someone makes....especially if she told another friend she was also being racist. It's an honest concern to have but she may just be a little oversensitive about it.

inbetweendreams · January 2010

No. Without having more information, I get the feeling that your friend assumes there may be racial/racist remarks in relation to the adoption, and she jumped on you for a perfectly innocent comment/suggestion.

violetvirgo · January 2010

i think she's being VERY sensitive and possibly projecting some worries about how other's will see her daughter and what she'll have to deal with (b/c let's face it a lot of people are going to ask her questions). i don't think she should be so defensive and THAT makes her look completely crazy, but to completely ignore some of the obvious facts about orphaned children and their needs is stupid.

Toosdai · January 2010

Your friend is a dufus. Anyone can look at black hair and see it is different from white hair. WTF?

You didn't say anything wrong at all. My guess is that your friend is probably getting a lot of shizz from some people around her and she is hella sensitive.

carolinag · January 2010

she doesn't sound emotionally stable.... that is really strange. you were simply saying that from your own knowledge in a similar situation the children's hair is different. i imagine the conditions in the orphanage are subpar, and she will need a lot of extra help. she may even need therapy. that's not racism, that's realism. i hope she's prepared to give the child all of the extras it is surely going to need. how very bizzare.

ladysimpkins · January 2010

honestly, you were right on SO many points...first of all, the hair issue. If she is white and her new daughter is black, their hair tends to be thicker and coarser, harder to deal with. Even ask the mommies of bi-racial children on here! *I even remember one joking this morning how she would Love to even get a comb through her son's hair!* So, that is going to be different than a caucasian child.

secondly, depending on the child's age, there will be emotional attachment concerns as well as dealing with anything else they have been through.

You are being a good friend, not racist at all.

mamamoos · January 2010

not at all. it sounds like your friend has been gearing up to defend against racism and opposition and she just completely over-reacted at you mentioning that the child she is adopting might (gasp!) be different.

recognizing differences and being knowledegable about how to handle them doesn't make one racist...it makes one informed. and in her case, a better parent. if she calls racism everytime someone recognizes the kid is different in some ways from her, she's going to be pretty miserable.

you weren't saying the kid was alien -- you were just pointing out an obvious difference and offering some helpful advice.

carolinag · January 2010

not to mention white hair and black hair is different. plain and simple. i don't think statement sounds racist on any level. she needs to learn how to handle black hair now as to spare that child any turmoil. i hope she is in counseling or a support group for transracial adoptions.

CelticWife · January 2010

carolinag:
not to mention white hair and black hair is different. plain and simple. i don't think statement sounds racist on any level. she needs to learn how to handle black hair now as to spare that child any turmoil. i hope she is in counseling or a support group for transracial adoptions.

I don't think she is. I really wish they had gone through an agency; counseling and support groups are practically mandatory.

They jumped into the whole thing so fast, I wonder if it is really what she wants.

southernbelle82 · January 2010

CelticWife:
carolinag:
not to mention white hair and black hair is different. plain and simple. i don't think statement sounds racist on any level. she needs to learn how to handle black hair now as to spare that child any turmoil. i hope she is in counseling or a support group for transracial adoptions.

I don't think she is. I really wish they had gone through an agency; counseling and support groups are practically mandatory.

They jumped into the whole thing so fast, I wonder if it is really what she wants.

This makes me so nervous for the little girl.

LaLaSweets · January 2010

LukeAndAmanda:
Considering people are ALWAYS going to ask about her daughter, I think she needs to get over that right now. And no, you weren't being racist. At all.

carolinag · January 2010

CelticWife:
carolinag:
not to mention white hair and black hair is different. plain and simple. i don't think statement sounds racist on any level. she needs to learn how to handle black hair now as to spare that child any turmoil. i hope she is in counseling or a support group for transracial adoptions.
I don't think she is. I really wish they had gone through an agency; counseling and support groups are practically mandatory.
They jumped into the whole thing so fast, I wonder if it is really what she wants.

ugh. i would suggest that to her, but given her reaction on you only trying to help her find a good place to have her hair done, i don't think she'd react well. it's unfortunate b/c that child is going to be the one to suffer. are you close w/any of her other friends, or even a family member, who you could talk to. just voice your concerns. maybe they could talk to her about it and she might not get so upset.

CelticWife · January 2010

carolinag:
CelticWife:

carolinag:
not to mention white hair and black hair is different. plain and simple. i don't think statement sounds racist on any level. she needs to learn how to handle black hair now as to spare that child any turmoil. i hope she is in counseling or a support group for transracial adoptions.

I don't think she is. I really wish they had gone through an agency; counseling and support groups are practically mandatory.

They jumped into the whole thing so fast, I wonder if it is really what she wants.

ugh. i would suggest that to her, but given her reaction on you only trying to help her find a good place to have her hair done, i don't think she'd react well. it's unfortunate b/c that child is going to be the one to suffer. are you close w/any of her other friends, or even a family member, who you could talk to. just voice your concerns. maybe they could talk to her about it and she might not get so upset.

A different friend is going to call her tonight. She is african, so maybe our friend will listen to her? I don't know.

DH is also going to call her DH tonight. Her DH might not know that she is acting so oddly.

CFO · January 2010

I feel bad for the new LO that her mom is so hyper-sensitive that she's not researching the cosmetic AND emotional/physical differences that this child will need to have attended to. Its a fact that black/white hair textures are different, by and large, why wouldn't she want to learn how to care for her new child??

Piad1 · January 2010

Well, as a black woman, I don't see anything wrong with what you said or how you said it. It's a fact that our hair is different. It just is. Although there are all different hair types, and not all black peoples' hair is the same, and her adopted daughter may in fact have straight hair, I don't see a problem with recommending that she make an appointment to get the girls hair done. But she will eventually figure it out. It took me years to figure out my own hair! lol

MegGary · January 2010

Not racist. Makes me sad that she is this nervous.

carolinag · January 2010

CelticWife:

A different friend is going to call her tonight. She is african, so maybe our friend will listen to her? I don't know.
DH is also going to call her DH tonight. Her DH might not know that she is acting so oddly.

i'm glad. hopefully the african friend can just approach it casually like "if you need any help w/hair let me know. it can certainly be different! by the way i find these products are really great for african hair." maybe she'll listen to her. fingers crossed.

happilyhis · January 2010

She is crazy and on the verge of raising a daughter with all kinds of identity issues and a jacked up head of hair.

yoko589 · January 2010

um, no you were not being racist. I think she is being overly sensitive on the whole thing. Don't beat yourself up, she will get better.

carolinag · January 2010

my cousin is an attorney specializing in adoptions in stl. if you want i can email him and see if he has any resources for them, as far as a support group. i'm not sure that she will want the help, but if she does realize that a support system would be nice it might be a good idea to have some options available. he's really great. we actually plan on an international adoption later in life and we'll be going through him. he works w/some great agencies.

Snowy_Owl · January 2010

happilyhis:
She is crazy and on the verge of raising a daughter with all kinds of identity issues and a jacked up head of hair.

I think I love you

Judah'sMommy · January 2010

happilyhis:
She is crazy and on the verge of raising a daughter with all kinds of identity issues and a jacked up head of hair.

If she's too wrapped up in perceived racism that she doesn't recognize that her daughter's hair will need a different type of maintenance than her own (which IS NOT a bad thing! why can't she just think of it as acquiring another skill?), then she is headed for trouble.

ToledoDeux · January 2010

Wow. There is going to be a lot of tough adjustment in THAT household. It's not "racist" to simply recognize actual differences.

ETA: the more I think about this, the more I am inclined to say that the racism, if any, is all hers. She won't treat the child any differently than a white child? Why, because white is the pinnacle of being? She seems to think that acknowledging any physical difference (i.e., hair) because of her race is acknowledging inferiority. How fcukedup. Colorblindness is not the opposite of racism.

CelticWife · January 2010

carolinag:
my cousin is an attorney specializing in adoptions in stl. if you want i can email him and see if he has any resources for them, as far as a support group. i'm not sure that she will want the help, but if she does realize that a support system would be nice it might be a good idea to have some options available. he's really great. we actually plan on an international adoption later in life and we'll be going through him. he works w/some great agencies.

If she calms down enough to talk to me, I will definitely take you up on that.

It is great that you know an attorney who specializes in adoption! DH and I are planning on adopting a child in a few years as well, probably international. If the bump is still here in a few years, I might have to hunt you down for an agency recommendation! lol

carolinag · January 2010

CelticWife:
carolinag:
my cousin is an attorney specializing in adoptions in stl. if you want i can email him and see if he has any resources for them, as far as a support group. i'm not sure that she will want the help, but if she does realize that a support system would be nice it might be a good idea to have some options available. he's really great. we actually plan on an international adoption later in life and we'll be going through him. he works w/some great agencies.
If she calms down enough to talk to me, I will definitely take you up on that.
It is great that you know an attorney who specializes in adoption! DH and I are planning on adopting a child in a few years as well, probably international. If the bump is still here in a few years, I might have to hunt you down for an agency recommendation! lol

yeah. let me know. he's my cousin so obviously he's fab! lol. he's in the central west end, and can help you navigate the agencies.

carolinag · January 2010

Judah'sMommy:
happilyhis:
She is crazy and on the verge of raising a daughter with all kinds of identity issues and a jacked up head of hair.
If she's too wrapped up in perceived racism that she doesn't recognize that her daughter's hair will need a different type of maintenance than her own (which IS NOT a bad thing! why can't she just think of it as acquiring another skill?), then she is headed for trouble.

shiit. my mom didn't know how to do my hair and we're both white. different hair textures require a different skill set. she is going to torture that poor girl by not letting her get proper hair treatments!

not to offend any st louisians, but i do find that stl is still pretty segregated, and i've encountered a fair amount of racism there. it is getting better, but maybe that's what she's worried about. i would be too. depending on the county shes in she very well could be one of the only black people around. that would make me nervous as a future parent, and potentially have me overreacting about perceived racism.

Toosdai · January 2010

happilyhis:
She is crazy and on the verge of raising a daughter with all kinds of identity issues and a jacked up head of hair.

LOL, Happs - I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think this type of stuff is one of the reasons that some (not I) black people are uncomfortable with this type of adoption.

jewele803 · January 2010

Nope, everything that you said is just fine. I think you were being super helpful and trying to give her some great ideas.

I'd still cut her a little slack, the whole adoption process is very overwhelming and she is probably just stressed out esp w/ a such a big trip looming! Maybe she is just still a little apprehensive about bring home a child of another race and is nervous about her being accepted. I'd maybe bring it up a again a few weeks after she is home w/ her little girl!

I'm an adoptive mommy, so hopefully I can add some insight from "the other side"

skoorbnibor · January 2010

she is being very sensitive... and you were fine!

*KatieH* · January 2010

Sounds to me like your friend may be having some issues, second thoughts, worries about adopting a child of a different race and is taking it out on the wrong people. I am sorry you are the one on the receiving end.

Want a personalized experience?

Did I say something wrong, or is my old friend nuts?

Re: Did I say something wrong, or is my old friend nuts?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards