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Baby Showers
Baby Shower Drama... need opinions
So this sounds crazy even to me, but I'm only 10 weeks, and my mother and sister offered to throw me a shower yesterday. They wanted to know my guest list to help in determining a location. They had a list for me to look over and make adjustments. A few people happened to be missing from the list so I sent them an email noting this. They sent me back a new guest list with all of my changes, but left one close family member off. When I addressed this, my mother replied she was unwilling to put this person on the guest list until she received an apology from her because of some apparent issue they are having (that I knew nothing about until today, and actually still don't!). When I called my sister to discuss this, who again is supposedly co-hosting it, she basically said there was nothing she could do; she was not going to get in the middle of this and she pretty much agreed with my mother on the situation.
In addition to all this, they are making other requests, like deciding on dates this week so they can book a location I really don't feel comfortable in (it's a big empty community room where my 16th birthday party AND bridal shower were held). I was picturing something more intimate this time. And while they are leaving some off the list who are very important to me, they are insisting others be included whom I barely speak to (family, but distant cousins).
Again, to add to all this, I am only 10 weeks along, and feel like this is all a bit pre-mature and just adding way more stress than is necessary at this point!
Sorry for the long post, but I'm really not sure how to address the situation, or what even to do at this point. Do I just continue getting dragged along in this awful process and end up with a shower that is nothing I want to do with? Or is there a some ettiquette appropriate way of saying something to them?
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Re: Baby Shower Drama... need opinions
I love how people turn celebrating someone else's baby into something about themselves. I have been going through something similar. MIL left DH's aunt off the guest list, but my mom was in charge of invitations so I told mom to add her. Stupid petty crap.
If sister is in charge of invitations have her throw one in for the person not invited by mom, or flat out tell your mom that this isnt about her.
And, in regards to location...if you're uncomfortable with it just say so. This is your shower and you should be able to enjoy it.
Well at least time is on your side in regards to the drama, even if they have started planning it way too early, as long as it's not going to actually be held until your 3rd tri or so...I bet all the drama will work it's way out. My only advise would be to not bring up the shower for a while...they're probably just really excited about it and there's only so much planning you can do for a shower until they'll have to just wait until you they actually put the plan in motion, you know?
Good luck
I hate it when parents need parenting. Your mom is being immature and needs to be called out. Something like "I'm sorry that you and [relative] are having a disagreement, however, I thought this shower was for me and my baby and it's really important to me that she be there."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
While I agree that you have time on your side and hope that the drama works out by the time comes, my feeling is that if they are hosting and covering the costs, they get to determine who is or isn't invited, where it's held, etc. If its not worked out, I would call the family member and arrange a time to meet with her for lunch separately.
It's a shower for you and the baby, that doesn't directly link to it's whatever you want and how you want it. If you want it how you want it, plan/host it yourself. Otherwise, sit back, relax and enjoy that you have people in your life that offer to host a shower for you. There really are more important things in your life right now to focus on, like the little one growing in your belly.
The only thing you should have a say in is the date of the shower and the guest list. If that means your mother has to invite someone SHE personally has a problem with...so be it. It is YOUR guest list not hers. If it causes her to decide not to host the shower...be prepared for that as well. It will definitely reflect on you if this person is not invited and others in the family feel she should have been (even though it wasn't your decision not to invite her).
I believe tha a shower is a gift and you should only have a say in the date and guest list so long as you keep it within the number your hostess can accomodate. However, I don't believe that mothers and MIL's should use a shower as an opportunity to make the mom to be uncomfortable or to extert control. That is completely unacceptable. Your mother is making your shower about her. I would thank her for the offer and tell her that you are going to pass since she is forcing you to exclude a family member who is important to you. You're going to be a mom. Put on your big girl panties and stick up for yourself.
Firstly, I would tell them you do not want to continue with plans until you are out of the first trimester, as you would hate to have anywhere reserved and have to cancel for unforeseen circumstances. That right there will buy you a few weeks. Secondly, remember that a shower is a gift, but just like any gift, it needs to be something you're going to at least enjoy. I would tell them both that you're glad they're so enthusiastic about doing this, but you were hoping for a more intimate affair. Then, I would play the following card, "If you're willing to let Aunt Jane come, then we can discuss using the community center as a venue for a larger shower." Otherwise, if you're more determined to have a more intimate shower and Aunt Jane is expendable, state, "I am willing to oblige your request to leave Aunt Jane off the guest list, but I want to make this more intimate and we'll need to review the guest list for other expendable people in an effort to dwindle down the size."
Personally, I think your mother is being childish - it's your shower, not hers and people are coming for you and your unborn child. If she is ultimately so immature that she can't be around the relative she's fueding with for the sake of you and her grandchild, I would consider your mother the expendable guest.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Your responses were completely in line with my gut instinct regarding the situation. But unfortunately, knowing my family really can be quite immature and not realize it, and therefore would probably not react well to my response, I wanted to get some second opinions to make sure I wasn't the one who was out of line before I said something! When I brought it up, I simply explained how this was all too early and causing way too much stress. When they insisted they were not going to invite that family member and had to know a date ASAP, I explained how grateful and appreciative I was of their offer, but I was just uncomfortable with this situation and was going to have to decline it.
Sadly, they did just what I thought they would, which was completely over-react and turned it into some issues that have nothing to do with the shower, but I honestly feel better after saying something and sticking up for myself. Despite what ever other issues have now been raised (which DH is being amazing and dealing with for me to keep the stress down!), it gives me more time and energy for now to focus on staying healthy and balanced, and on that little miracle inside!
Thanks again for your thoughts and advice!